. . . to think parents are being naive about our "inheritance"?

[OhFFSNotAnotherVirus]

Just pondering . . . for some reason it's niggling at me, maybe because I find their lack of understanding frustrating!

I also want to point out that I in no way "expect" anything from my parents - I've been financially independent since I was 18 and I'm proud of what I've achieved by myself.

Parent are 65, I have one brother and one sister. Parents gave my brother their life savings (close to £100k) so he could buy a nicer house than he could afford by himself. Parents told me and my sister that they would change their wills to leave their house (a small townhouse worth about £200k) to the two of us, to make it fair.

I don't think it is fair, though. Chances are the house will be sold in the future to pay for their care. They seem blissfully unaware that this is a possibility - or a likelihood - and seem almost smug about having done the right thing by all three of their children. I've brought up the possibility that the house might need to be sold to pay for care, but they dismissed this, saying absolutely not, they wouldn't be going into a home, they'd rather go to Dignitas first . . .

I'm saying nothing further, there's no point and I know there's no entitlement here. But AIBU to be a bit . . . ?

Oh and this all happened a couple of years ago and they haven't changed their wills anyway

To be fair GnomedePlume, “hiding assets away” with a trustworthy relative rather than spending them still gives you scope to spend them on better care if the freeloading option doesn’t work out for you. Still not ethical or sensible though.

That does place a huge burden on the relative. It also means that sorting care may fall disproportionately on one child with them having to decide how much money gets spent with other less trustworthy relatives questioning every penny.

Right now (in my mid 50s) I dont relish the problem of becoming a burden for my DCs. I want to make my later years as easy for them as they can be. My plan over the next few years is to sort LPAs for DH and me, pay off the mortgage and get DH's name on the deeds (currently in my name only).

Gnome - put his name on the deeds as tenants in common, rather than joint owners, so that care home fees can only be used for each persons “half”

@Billandben444

It really does grate my gears when one of her children has had childcare from her that would have cost approx £200,000 in the real world Wow, this thread is rattling some cages! Do you know exactly to the penny how much you've missed out on? I've helped my daughter out with free childcare as she's a single parent who works full time. My son is married and they manage their childcare between them - in your eyes, should I be giving him a lump sum to compensate for not being a single parent?

Yes I help one of mine. One set of GC live within walking distance, the others live 200 miles away. How are you supposed to make it fair? Am I supposed to pay for childcare as I can't do it or am I supposed to refuse to have other GC because it isn't "fair." It gets ridiculous.

I have only read the 1st page of this thread so unsure how old your parents are but the big thing people for get these days with inheritances is that people are living much longer so inheritances may be a long wait in the NOT distant future.

Of the top of my head my neighbour who had smoked, had booze problems and health problems for years is still alive in her 90s.My friend's dad who is an alcoholic is still alive and well in his 80s... Generally it is futile estimating how long we will live when even those in the 'unhealthy' categories can live well into old age. My grandmother is still alive in her late 90s although she always was healthy. It's impossible to know when people will die and even at 60 they could have a good 20 years head of them.

@Bouledeneige It never works well if parents treat their offspring unequally.

^^

This, absolutely

[quote BettyCarver]@Bouledeneige It never works well if parents treat their offspring unequally.

^^

This, absolutely [/quote]
Rubbish. You can't comment on every family and their circumstances.

As more than one of us has said you might help out with childcare for some GC and not others, maybe like me it is geography for others one family might need it and another not.

One child needs/wants to stay at home longer than the others so has subsidised housing.

One decides to get an apprenticeship at 16 another wants to be a doctor. What do we do refuse to help with funding for the potential doctor or give the same funding to the one who is earning a living meaning we have less for the potential doctor?

One child might need help with health needs e.g. funding a private surgery that they are going to have to wait years for on NHS. I wonder when I did this if I should have insisted the other three have the same op even if they didn't need it?

Treat them fairly yes but that doesn't always mean equal.

My mum is, essentially, going to be treating us unequally.

She has split her residual estate (after a few gifts) into three. There are three of us. I have no offspring or partner so I get my third in full. My sister has two offspring and no partner so hers gets split between the three of them, brother has wife and one child and his third is split three ways between them.

So I get more than my brother or sister. Initially mum suggested a seven way split but I objected because that would mean that my third was being given partly to my brother's wife who is not family. So I said if she wanted to give money to the wife she could do it from my brother's share which she then agreed with. The will writer did question even that arrangement though and I think it was reduced so she gets 20% and brother and child get 40% each of that third.

VanGoghsDog - is your mum directly giving to partners/children or just splitting 3 ways and letting each of her children share as they want to with their own family? That would seem completely fair to me and the simplest way to do it - I wouldn't consider giving more to one of my children just because they had more children.

Also, if she's giving directly then she's going to need to update the Will every time a child is born or someone splits with a partner or gets married. The percentages could get complicated.

My comment about equal treatment referred to inheritance. I do firmly believe that equal shares amongst offspring is the only way. I have seen so many people hurt by it.

So rubbish to your rubbish. Read the tweet.

is your mum directly giving to partners/children or just splitting 3 ways and letting each of her children share as they want to with their own family? That would seem completely fair to me and the simplest way to do it - I wouldn't consider giving more to one of my children just because they had more children.

Also, if she's giving directly then she's going to need to update the Will every time a child is born or someone splits with a partner or gets married. The percentages could get complicated.

Directly. That was entirely my point and why I said I'm getting more. Noone is getting "more because they have more children", I am getting more because I don't have children.

My sister won't have more children, and I won't have any. And I wouldn't want her to split my inheritance with a husband should I be unfortunate enough to obtain one, nor would my sister want that if she did (she definitely won't acquire a husband).

My sister's kids are adults in their thirties.

My brother on the other hand is the problem. Yes, I explained all that re another child, or a divorce etc. The child there is currently three.
But she was adamant, she even wants the wife to have her "share" if they divorce (I did play out loads of scenarios for that - cheating, leaving the country (she's not from the UK so this is a strong possibility), remarriage, not allowing brother access to child, children with another man, etc). Which is why I said fine, but not so it diminishes my share!
My dad would never have gone for this arrangement and she knows this. A lot of the money was inherited by my dad from his parents. Though I know it is hers now.

@Halliabaloo
If you are part of a long term plan for your daughter and grandchildren then maybe you could consider the fairness of it. I also trust you are not a snide bitch to your son’s wife, that goes a long way, too
Wow, you really are a piece of work aren't you! No, I'm not "a snide bitch to my son's wife' - we get on well and regularly holiday together.

@Bouledeneige

My comment about equal treatment referred to inheritance. I do firmly believe that equal shares amongst offspring is the only way. I have seen so many people hurt by it.

So rubbish to your rubbish. Read the tweet.

So not really equal then, you just draw the line where you like? In that case the OP can't quibble if the parents don't make a will. She will get a third like her siblings and as that is when they all get their inheritance all is good.

It is rubbish for you to state something never ends well when you can't possibly know that.

@VanGoghsDog seems like your mum is making things unnecessarily complicated. At least she's sharing her estate equally as a starting point between the 3 children's family branches, even though she hasn't thought through the potential pitfalls beyond that! You have to wonder what goes through the minds of some people though!