. . . to think parents are being naive about our "inheritance"?

[OhFFSNotAnotherVirus]

Just pondering . . . for some reason it's niggling at me, maybe because I find their lack of understanding frustrating!

I also want to point out that I in no way "expect" anything from my parents - I've been financially independent since I was 18 and I'm proud of what I've achieved by myself.

Parent are 65, I have one brother and one sister. Parents gave my brother their life savings (close to £100k) so he could buy a nicer house than he could afford by himself. Parents told me and my sister that they would change their wills to leave their house (a small townhouse worth about £200k) to the two of us, to make it fair.

I don't think it is fair, though. Chances are the house will be sold in the future to pay for their care. They seem blissfully unaware that this is a possibility - or a likelihood - and seem almost smug about having done the right thing by all three of their children. I've brought up the possibility that the house might need to be sold to pay for care, but they dismissed this, saying absolutely not, they wouldn't be going into a home, they'd rather go to Dignitas first . . .

I'm saying nothing further, there's no point and I know there's no entitlement here. But AIBU to be a bit . . . ?

Oh and this all happened a couple of years ago and they haven't changed their wills anyway

So what I'd do is forget about how hurt I was, because it's not gonna do you any good, just go on enjoying time with your parents. Totally write off any money from your parents. Assume you're not getting anything. but I'd also remind them, when the time comes, that you don't have the time/finances to provide care and that your brother is in a far better position thanks to being handed their life savings and they need to ask him. I wouldn't even humour any suggestions of you providing care, because it would just destroy the relationship for me.

@Ginfilledcats

My in laws have put their house in my husband and his sisters name (they're early 60s) and pay a token rent if £1 a month. This bypasses the house being used to pay for their care as long as it's in their sons name for 7 years before any costs are needed.

My parents are going to do the same I think.

It doesn't work that easily - and if they die within 7 years it really doesn't work.

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

I would be annoyed. I can understand and in the same way as you I would like not to care about it but deep deep down I do. My family home will go to my feckless younger brother and us three girls probably will get ?

It’s inequality, the man gets it all. The girls kept dangling so they they have someone to look after them.

Depends on family circumstances. My DD will inherit more than her brothers for a variety of reasons that aren't relevant here. So the men won't get it all in this family.

Dignitas didn't accept people who are just old & inform.
They have to be terminally ill. Also in sound mind.

I feel very sorry for you, OP.

Your parents have created a 'prodigal son' situation and no, it's not fair and very bloody naive of your parents if they don't think they've caused resentment. Different if a sibling has fallen on hard times through no fault of their own, but very unfair if they are rectifying self-centred / frivolous life choices.

In your situation, I'd be taking a backseat for any support your parents might need and pointing them in the direction of the chosen one.

@Cuddlyrottweiler

YANBU even if it doesn't go on care, they've handed your brother 100k now, you and your sister have to wait for 10-20+ years to get a house you can clear out, tidy up, redecorate, put up for sale, pay rates and taxes on, any outstanding debts/rates, you'll be paying for their funerals out of it too. It's not nearly even. They also haven't cared enough to even change the wills. And they now have leverage over you to provide care. And they probably won't go together, so whoever is left behind could move houses and spend the excess, or remarry and their money goes to their new spouse.

Your brother has done massively better.

This is a very neat summary of how different £100k cash now is compared to a 50% share of a £200k house in the future.

Plus they haven't changed the will. They say they want to treat you equally but what they seem to mean is they want you to be equal ie they have helped brother make up for travelling and being less financially secure so now you look equal. Then the house will be split equally between the three children.

I would calmly ask them if they are actually going to change the will. And use bits of the summary above / possible care requirement to illustrate that you haven't all been treated equally. If they still don't change the will there is nothing you can do but at least you will know. And can decide if this is going to change your future relationship with them.

Loads of people die at home or in hospital without needing a care home. Those who do enter a care home are statistically likely to be there for a year or two.

Both my grannies did need long term care unfortunately, while other family members died peacefully at home and left untouched assets for their own children. It's all wide open really.

@Ginfilledcats

My in laws have put their house in my husband and his sisters name (they're early 60s) and pay a token rent if £1 a month. This bypasses the house being used to pay for their care as long as it's in their sons name for 7 years before any costs are needed.

My parents are going to do the same I think.

@Ginfilledcats Not sure you can actually do this anymore. I think the tax office have got wise to this and you are expected to pay ‘market rent’ for your area.

@Cuddlyrottweiler

So what I'd do is forget about how hurt I was, because it's not gonna do you any good, just go on enjoying time with your parents. Totally write off any money from your parents. Assume you're not getting anything. but I'd also remind them, when the time comes, that you don't have the time/finances to provide care and that your brother is in a far better position thanks to being handed their life savings and they need to ask him. I wouldn't even humour any suggestions of you providing care, because it would just destroy the relationship for me.

The thing is, the relationship is already spoiled by the parents not even doing what they said - changing the wills. I'd guess it's their seeming lack of care for you that is upsetting you, OP.

For someone who is not expecting anything from their parents, you seem to be quite annoyed at the situation.

I know my parents want that whatever is left after they die is split equally between their children. In reality I know (and have accepted) that the house won't be worth much and that it will be used to fund my parents's care. Anything left over should go to my younger sister who is the one who has been the one taking care of them and most of their needs while my older sister and I have been living abroad.

I might be the one in higher need (divorced single mum and a crap salary) but definitively, I am not the most deserving.

My MIL on the other hand... can't talk for 20 minutes without mentioning inheritance and all the things she plans to do to provide for DS. I know however that she has a very expensive lifestyle and that other properties she planned to leave to her children have long been sold to maintain that lifestyle. So every time she starts talking about inheritance, I just smile and repeat "we are not expecting anything from you". And I really mean it.

Also I don't think they are being 'naive' they know exactly what they are doing - no one is that stupid.

@aiwblam

Alternatively the property increases in value and you and your sister end up with more than 100k.

I agree that it was not a very clever thing to do on their part but you’ll probably just have to crack on with your life and forget about it.

But her brothers £100,000 will be worth more by then anyway.

@Bobbybobbins

I find the avoidance of paying for fare very depressing. I want my parents (if they need it) to have the best possible care in their final years. The council funded care should be reserved for those who genuinely can't pay for it themselves.

I have LPA for an elderly relative, not a parent. Found a lovely home when the time came, 5 years on and paying at the rate of £6k a month so that is a little more than was raised from the sale of their home. Savings are going now. At one point I was inheriting a six figure sum, I'll probably get nothing and have spent money over the years on visits and gifts to make them more comfortable.

It was never my money to start with so I haven't lost anything and I know I have done my best.

OP you have every right to feel hard done by. Not only have they given your feckless brother a fat stack of cash -they also haven’t changed their wills .

The worst part is they will use this to leverage you and your sister for care.

I’d get together with your sister and write it off. When the time comes tell your brother to do it. They might change their wills to give him everything but god knows you might not get anything anyway so screw it.

@Yourstupidityexhaustsme

Your parents need to sign their home to you and your sister. If they survive for seven years without needing care/dying it cannot be taken for care nor is it regarded as a deprivation of assets. The name evades me but it’s a legitimate inheritance scheme.

We may have found the perfect username/post combo here.

My parents are mid 80's and late 80's. Mum is disabled and has dementia. Dad is disabled and very frail. Neither are coping well in the house and my dad is coping really badly with my mum. They are still insisting that they will never go into a home, despite not accepting any outside help to stay in their home a bit longer. My brother lives locally and helps them a lot, but my dad can be incredibly rude to him and my sil.

They will be going into a home. All they are doing is fighting the inevitable. My sympathy is almost rock bottom. Can you tell?

How absolutely bloody unfair. I'm angry on your behalf op. They've given golden boy everything.....if they wanted to part with their life savings, split it three ways or not at all.

I would be annoyed too OP but I think for the sake of your own well-being I would just accept it and move on. If you get something in the future -bonus.

In terms of avoiding paying for care - if our care system is so underfunded won't your relations end up in the crappiest cheapest care home the council can find with no choice if you rely on the public purse to pay??? That could be a heck of a culture shock for someone used to a £1m lifestyle??
Joe Bloggs on 18 yo min wage forced to do a care job they don't want to by DWP just to get UC to be able to live vs a wonderful carer like my friend who adores her residents goes over and above every single day to make their final years as special as possible. I know what I would choose for mine & it wouldn't be inheritance.

“ It’s inequality, the man gets it all. The girls kept dangling so they they have someone to look after them.”

Yes it does look like this.

I would be annoyed too. Especially as they haven’t even changed their will!

Of course people can leave their money however they like but it does tell a story about how they see the world / feel about things and you can’t help but react to that.

I don't know if this would be possible or even legal but could they sell the house to you and your other sibling (the one that didn't get the 100k) now and then you agree that they can live there for as long as needs be and it becomes your asset not theirs if costs for care homes comes into it. Then at that stage you can sell the house/rent it/renovate it/whatever, and split the proceeds with that same sibling?
They would have to cover bills for utilities and such but they are doing that anyway, right?

I have a slightly different point to make and in support of the parents. I think they need a bit of the benefit of the doubt. They’re trying to do what they think is best. It’s hard when you have 3 different kids at different levels in adulthood. You want to be fair to them all but It’s not obvious how to do this completely fairly with limited assets and without them falling out.
Gotta agree with other re. The £1 token rent, at the very least it should be market rent and actually paid not just a wink wink situation and then the person receiving the rent has to declare it as income and pay tax etc on it. They also have to show yearly accounts and pay for maintenance etc like a landlord would.

You are NBU for sure.

Your parents have shown unwarranted favouritism towards your seemingly feckless DB. He has received his inheritance. There is considerable risk that you will not.

Assuming they have made wills leaving their house to you and your sister (and not left everything three ways) they could still live 30+ years. You will be OAPs yourselves before seeing a penny of your inheritance, if you live long enough.

They are seemingly completely ignorant of the eye watering costs of care in later life and how quickly it will burn through any inheritance

If either or both goes into a care home the fees are at least £1000 per week. If they can’t pay the Council will put a charge on the house. Four years of care at today’s prices and that’s your inheritance gone.

The cost of care in the home is £40 per hour (where I live). Two or more visits a day equates to the same burn rate as residential care with the same consequences.

What if one dies and the other remarries a younger partner. Under the inheritance Act the surviving spouse is entitled to at least an lifetime interest in the house.

Given these uncertainties I would try to persuade them to have a family meeting with a solicitor specialising in inheritance planning. Others rightly mention depravation of assets but given their youth and assumed good health you might have a small window right now to transfer the beneficial ownership of the house to you and your sister leaving your parents with a life interest. This at least would secure your inheritance. You do need to take legal advice first.

@LookItsMeAgain

I don't know if this would be possible or even legal but could they sell the house to you and your other sibling (the one that didn't get the 100k) now and then you agree that they can live there for as long as needs be and it becomes your asset not theirs if costs for care homes comes into it. Then at that stage you can sell the house/rent it/renovate it/whatever, and split the proceeds with that same sibling? They would have to cover bills for utilities and such but they are doing that anyway, right?

Assuming you don't mean sell it for the going rate and why would you, that has been very clearly covered in this thread already. It doesn't work. Deprivation of assets.

@ThatMortgageDilemma

For someone who is not expecting anything from their parents, you seem to be quite annoyed at the situation.

I know my parents want that whatever is left after they die is split equally between their children. In reality I know (and have accepted) that the house won't be worth much and that it will be used to fund my parents's care. Anything left over should go to my younger sister who is the one who has been the one taking care of them and most of their needs while my older sister and I have been living abroad.

I might be the one in higher need (divorced single mum and a crap salary) but definitively, I am not the most deserving.

My MIL on the other hand... can't talk for 20 minutes without mentioning inheritance and all the things she plans to do to provide for DS. I know however that she has a very expensive lifestyle and that other properties she planned to leave to her children have long been sold to maintain that lifestyle. So every time she starts talking about inheritance, I just smile and repeat "we are not expecting anything from you". And I really mean it.

So your parents and in-laws are either spending the money themselves or treating all children equally. No wonder you do not have an issue with it.

OP is seeing her parents treat her brother differently DESPITE them saying they intend to treat all children equally. Brother has £100k and that OP may end up with nothing. That is why she is feeling unhappy and she has every right to feel that way. It's an emotional response to their actions.

She is not 'annoyed' and the opening line of your post is frankly a bit goady.

This is true. If your df or do marry a younger partner in the future due to bereavement this could radically change your inheritance. Not a conversation anyone wants to have but this does happen a lot.