To feel heartbroken that he has a new girlfriend?

[Maria53]

Hi everyone, I'm really struggling tonight.

I met a guy through work 2 years ago. We hit it off straight away, used to spend most of our time together at work socials and always felt he regarded me as 'special' compared to many others by his actions.

I came to realise he was a shy but good man. I asked him out, he accepted and then lockdown happened that week. We spoke every day for 3 months on the phone and by messaging but then in petered out though we've stayed there n touch.

Now we're back at work and I invited him to come out with me and my friends. He accepted and came out with us tonight. He once briefly mentioned a girlfriend and it was heart breaking for me to hear that. We then spent the rest of the night with my girlfriends and for about 3 hours if was just the 2 of us together.

After he left several hours later I told my friends my true feelings for him. They joked that he clearly didn't come to spend time with them as his focus was on me all night. They said he was here for you and only you, that's obvious. Deep down, I think he shares my feelings but ...

It is hard for to me to put in to words how I feel. I feel like Im falling apart. I want to ask him why he is with this woman when we should be together. I don't think they be been together long. It really hurts 😭

@BreasticlesNotTesticles possibly! How stupid if that turns out to be the case.

I would just personally never say 'my boyfriend', always 'ex'.

[quote Maria53]@BreasticlesNotTesticles possibly! How stupid if that turns out to be the case.

I would just personally never say 'my boyfriend', always 'ex'.[/quote]
But he was talking about his girlfriend at that time - so it was current then. Unless he's had a girlfriend since the 90's he's not told you about

Just be blunt. Ask him if he has a girlfriend because you don't want to get mixed messages. Things were left unsaid over lockdown and you want to be clear about the situation. Just ask that.

@BreasticlesNotTesticles

I don't think he meant he had a gf in the 90s. He meant his gf tried to get him into a TV show from the 90s e.g. friends/partyof5/dawsons creek etc

Stop agonising over it and tell him how you feel. Life is too short. If he is meant for the other girl he'll stay with her. If he is meant for you he will end his relationship for you.

You can keep it reasonably breezy when you tell him, it doesnt have to be super intense. Just tell him you like him and if he finds himself single again, you'd like to go out, but if not it is fine and you are still his friend.

Just do it.

There’s a lot of second guessing and overthinking going on and mumsnet unfortunately cannot solve this one, so you are going to have to decide whether it’s worth it to you to get answers. I don’t think you have much to lose, sounds like you need to move on anyway, so if it’s not the scenario you want, it will give you the motivation to start moving forward with your life.

Short breezy casual text: “Good to catch up yesterday. Wasn’t sure when you mentioned a girlfriend if you meant current, but if not, would be great to go on a date sometime X”

Exactly Winnie

Exactly
Better you know

@BreasticlesNotTesticles

He clearly means his girlfriend at the time in the context you've given.

No, he doesn't. They were discussing currently watching a 90's show, not having watched it in the 90's. Op was part of the actual conversation, yet she's readily agreed with you 🤔

Op you’re making it sound like if he knew you fancied him he’d dump his girlfriend. That is so arrogant. He has a girlfriend, find a man who is available.

Unless the girl he likes is in a relationship, I don’t think many men would wait years before asking her out. I don’t want to pile on, but look at his actions OP, not his words.

People date, have sex and get into relationships every day. If he wanted any of that from you, why would he wait around for 2 years? He probably does find you attractive, gets along with you and finds your attention flattering. But for whatever reason, he hasn’t decided to pursue something with you

I mean, the easiest explanation is that he doesn’t date colleagues. But you might need to come to terms with the fact that he simply may not want to date you. It’s unrequited love.

I also think that you’re a bit too readily available for him, hence why he might be okay to keep you on the back burner.

If he liked you and thought you had a long stream of potential dates and you wouldn’t be single for very long, he would have asked you out as to not miss his chance

I would ask him if he wants to go on a date - and phrase it that way? If he fobs you off, you have your answer - and you need an answer so you can move on.

@tapihomeware I suppose my answer will come for sure once I leave the company which will be within the next lesson month or so. I think he would be reluctant to openly date a colleague. I just have a gut feeling about how I think he feels and from how he treats me. But I understand it hasn't really been backed up be many actions aside from one coffee he initiated ages ago

I should probably start dating again once I feel better. Even just to get back out there.

Im planning to see the doctor this week too as obsessive thinking usually only happens when I don't feel well mentally.

@Disabrie22

I would ask him if he wants to go on a date - and phrase it that way? If he fobs you off, you have your answer - and you need an answer so you can move on.

I'm going to focus on clearing my head a bit and once i feel better I'll consider doing this. I may as well know the answer either way and as I won't be seeing him on a daily basis anymore I'll have less to lose.

Oh op

I think some people have been a bit mean AFTER OP has replied that she knows she’s not mentally well right now. Might be an idea if people actually read the OP updates instead of telling her over and over again how ‘mental’ she is.
OP- I hope you get the help you need. You are right that you need to prioritise yourself right now. Work on your self worth and self esteem. What will be will be with him. But work on yourself right now. 💐

@Livvielo

I think some people have been a bit mean AFTER OP has replied that she knows she’s not mentally well right now. Might be an idea if people actually read the OP updates instead of telling her over and over again how ‘mental’ she is. OP- I hope you get the help you need. You are right that you need to prioritise yourself right now. Work on your self worth and self esteem. What will be will be with him. But work on yourself right now. 💐

Thank you @Livvielo. I at least spoke to a friend about how I'm feeling today.

The last time I felt this bad about 8 years ago I ended up unable to get out of bed one day for work and had to be signed off. It's really hard for me to accept that I need help - eveyrhinf has become overwhelming. Appreciate the good thoughts

Hey op . You are limerant , please look it up . I haven’t read all the posts but I would let this man know how you feel . The truth might set you free .
I have been there , it really sucks but you can’t keep living a fantasy.

Ps I’m quite sure he sees you as a nice friend , maybe even finds you attractive. Maybe not in a romantic way , but that’s not your fault . Please don’t feel bad 💜

@BreasticlesNotTesticles

He clearly means his girlfriend at the time in the context you've given.

I agree! That's how I would take it too.

You are limerant , please look it up .
Well, I just googled it and I am pretty sure that when the lerant has a penis it's called "oh my god, call the police before he does something"👀

Lerant not lerant🙄

Limerant! Wtf

I would just tell him. Life is too short. You don’t have to make it heavy or desperate. I I wish I’d done that over the years instead of agonising and dancing the stupid “will they won’t they” dance.