To feel heartbroken that he has a new girlfriend?

[Maria53]

Hi everyone, I'm really struggling tonight.

I met a guy through work 2 years ago. We hit it off straight away, used to spend most of our time together at work socials and always felt he regarded me as 'special' compared to many others by his actions.

I came to realise he was a shy but good man. I asked him out, he accepted and then lockdown happened that week. We spoke every day for 3 months on the phone and by messaging but then in petered out though we've stayed there n touch.

Now we're back at work and I invited him to come out with me and my friends. He accepted and came out with us tonight. He once briefly mentioned a girlfriend and it was heart breaking for me to hear that. We then spent the rest of the night with my girlfriends and for about 3 hours if was just the 2 of us together.

After he left several hours later I told my friends my true feelings for him. They joked that he clearly didn't come to spend time with them as his focus was on me all night. They said he was here for you and only you, that's obvious. Deep down, I think he shares my feelings but ...

It is hard for to me to put in to words how I feel. I feel like Im falling apart. I want to ask him why he is with this woman when we should be together. I don't think they be been together long. It really hurts 😭

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

One day this thread will be submitted as evidence in court. Poor man

Hardly.

@Maria53 - good that you recognise that you need to prioritise your emotional and mental health. I'm sure you realise that your preoccupation with this man is a symptom of whatever it is that has resulted in your emotional balance to be so out of synch. Hopefully a low dose of an AD plus counselling will help you gain some clarity and deal with these powerful feelings.

The conversation went:

Me: have you seen X show from the 90s?

Him: no my brother tried to get me into it for a while and so did my girlfriend

Hadn't heard of had before that moment and he didn't bring her up again. Was just surprised she hasn't come up as he is always talking about friends and family.

@Pinkbonbon

I'm sorry OP but I don't think he is that into you if he has told you himself he has a gf. Presumably one whom he is with, because he likes.

Either he is angling to cheat on her with you or he just sees you as a friend. Either way, time to back off.

Men are generally not shy when it comes to reaching out for what they want. He liked her and he got with her.

Chances are sometime down the line be will ne single again. But until then, stop asking out another ladys bf when you fancy him.

I know it sucks. But you shouldn't lower your moral fibre for any man. Or anyone.

This is sooooo true!!!

I’ve taught my daughters that men are so simple to understand. They want something. They either go for it. Or love on. As a teenager me and my friends spent HOURS! And I mean hours and hours. Saying oh. He sent a message (though mobile phones didn’t become big till I was about 25! So I mean hand written letters or notes) what does it mean. Does he like me. Oh. The hours we spent wasting away.

When boys like W girl. They asked her out. End of.

This poster has it spot on

Men are simple creatures. They don’t beat around the bush. Men don’t often spend hours hitching about others. Because they know what they want. Lots of men are friends for life. Because if they fall out. It’s sorted within mins. Because they know what they want. End of.

You’ve built it up in your head - which is understandable. It may be he met someone else and is with them or may be past. Either way you’ll feel crap until you know where you stand. Start a conversation today saying it was nice to see him and after a while say he mentioned a girlfriend, is he coupled up? That way you will have your answer. If he says yes say that’s great but probably best if you guys don’t do socialising outside of work and wish him the best. If he is right for you and it’s bad timing it’ll come around and if not then you will find someone else and this will just be one of those things.

OP you should step back and let him get on with his relationship with his girlfriend. She doesn't deserve to have you trying to acquire her boyfriend. There's been plenty of time for you to make a relationship with this guy and it hasn't happened.

Look at it from his POV.

You are someone from work he hasn't ever spent much time with one to one. Just a friend. He thought you were casual workplace pals.

There is someone else he does consider a close friend . He's shy and saw no reason ever to discuss his girlfriend with a work colleague. Lots of people keep their private life, well, private.
During lockdown, messaging with you petered out. You and he were never An Item.

You asked him out (not alone. in a group) and he accepted. But when you ALL met up he mentions the GF. That's not someone hiding his involvement elsewhere, it's just a guy having a casual drink with someone he knows a bit from work . You've never had a private date.

You have read far more into a casual friendship than was ever warranted . You're now reading far more into your girlfriends lighthearted remarks , than they warrant.

 Give over. You're not  heart broken or falling apart.  This is not "true feelings"; just  your imagination running away with itself.

Given the conversation it could be that his girlfriend of years ago tried to get him into it if it's an old show.

You are really going to have to bite the bullet here and ask him or drive yourself insane.

I do think if he was interested things would have progressed before now though. Shy or not, men don't hang around and it seems you've made it clear you're interested so if it was reciprocated he would have let it be known by now.

Why would he make up a girlfriend? That to me would say he's not interested, not that he is.

OP it's obviously not "a lack of balls" that's stopped him from asking you out, he has a girlfriend so he's obviously took that step.

To be honest, you sound very full of yourself, saying you're out of your exes leagues and that he's just worried to ask you out in case you say no etc.

I don't think your friends were helpful, out of a group of people you were the only one he knew, of course he was going to be showing more attention to you, especially if he is shy as you say, you'll have been the only one he was comfortable with - don't mistake that for romantic feelings.

You say you've known him 2 years, if he wanted to be with you, he would be. He doesn't, he got another girlfriend, he probably feels about her how you feel about him.

He's in a relationship, leave it alone unless you also want to ruin your friendship. If one of my male friends told me I should be with him and leave my partner etc I would end that friendship as I've chose to be with my partner, I couldn't respect any "friend" that tried to break up my relationship.

That may sound harsh but honestly, it sounds like you're deluding yourself. You've convinced yourself he wants you and wants to be with you, but then why wouldn't he act on that? As I say it's not "a lack of balls" when he is has a girlfriend and you have previously been out but it fizzled out. If he wanted to be with you, he'd have kept it going one way or another.

I think you need some help for your mental health, and I mean that in a nice way, it doesn't sound like you're in a healthy place saying that life's not worth living over a man you talked to for a couple of months

OP are you quite young? Only you sound very intense and in a state over this and I know it can seem like absolute heartbreak and calamity when you're young but as you get older you perhaps get a different perspective.

@TheGumption I'm in my late 20s. I can be intense and this can materialise in positive ways and some negative ways, like here.

But I'm not usually like this. Im going to book an appointment with the doctor early next week.

Separate to how I feel mentally - I don't connect romantically with men often. It happens rarely for me. So when it does happen, it is very exciting and I usually hope it turns into something more.

@Maria53

The conversation went:

Me: have you seen X show from the 90s?

Him: no my brother tried to get me into it for a while and so did my girlfriend

Hadn't heard of had before that moment and he didn't bring her up again. Was just surprised she hasn't come up as he is always talking about friends and family.

@Maria53 - he probably realised that you have feelings for him, and this was his way of telling you that he is taken. And that you need to back off...

@daseychain

Given the conversation it could be that his girlfriend of years ago tried to get him into it if it's an old show.

You are really going to have to bite the bullet here and ask him or drive yourself insane.

I do think if he was interested things would have progressed before now though. Shy or not, men don't hang around and it seems you've made it clear you're interested so if it was reciprocated he would have let it be known by now.

Yes I wish I'd asked more about her now.

He was also talking about buying a home so he was near various people with no mention of his girlfriend again later. Strange one.

But I'm not willing to chase after him. Whenever we are together in a group, it always ends up just the 2 of us together for hours. That doesn't scream friendship to me and doesn't feel that way either. I need to be realistic though as he hasn't made a proper move and I do want to have a relationship. I don't want to get stuck.

Have you talked about this alot with your friends? Are they just telling you what you want to hear? It could be an old gf or a current gf, he hasn't lost sleep over his wording, he didn't correct himself and say ex gf so that you didn't get the wrong impression, he didn't ask you out last night. I think if this is how heartbroken you are and you've never actually been in a relationship with this man imagine how his girlfriend would feel knowing another woman is trying to split them up and take her place. It's very sad.

He is a good man. He is empathetic towards women, he makes me laugh and vice versa, we like similar things, and so on. I think he is one in a million to be honest *

   Yet you have no real consideration of his feelings . All you can think of, is how to end  the  relationship he has with his GF.   You  know  nothing  about how long they've been together , how serious it is, and you don't even care if you hurt him.  You just want to  break them up.

@pommepommefrites

Have you talked about this alot with your friends? Are they just telling you what you want to hear? It could be an old gf or a current gf, he hasn't lost sleep over his wording, he didn't correct himself and say ex gf so that you didn't get the wrong impression, he didn't ask you out last night. I think if this is how heartbroken you are and you've never actually been in a relationship with this man imagine how his girlfriend would feel knowing another woman is trying to split them up and take her place. It's very sad.

No I had never mentioned it to my friends until yesterday. Sort of regret mentioning it at all now.

You are right they he didn't correct the wording if wrong.

@onelittlefrog

I know some people will think it's wrong, but I really see pre-marital/ pre-settling down relationships as "testing out" whether you are compatible. It sounds like he's not committed to this girlfriend, they are basically dating, and not even for all that long if it's since lockdown.

Honestly, I don't know what you're worrying about. Just tell him how you feel and see what happens.

If he doesn't even know that you like him, why shouldn't he get into a relationship with someone else? You weren't together. He might secretly like you but think he has no chance, or has missed his opportunity, or whatever.

You shouldn't feel any guilt in expressing your feelings just because he is seeing someone - they're not married and (I'm guessing) you don't know the ins and outs of their dynamic or how happy he actually is with her.

Obviously, if the feelings are reciprocal, you need to wait until he has fully finished it with her before you get together or act on anything. That is just respectful to all three of you.

Other than that - no shame and nothing to lose.

I agree with this.

OP, you have nothing to lose by asking to meet him for a drink, one on one, and tell him how you feel. There's no need to apply pressure and I would seriously counsel against going overboard about how 'you're meant to be'; that would frighten anybody off. But you should tell him.

I know that it's not countenanced on here to do that but, he's not married, he's single. He has a girlfriend - but was chatting to you, came out with you and your mates. He's a free man until he tells you otherwise.

I disagree with the sop that is "if it's meant for you it won't go by you". Lots of grannies seem to say that to make their much loved relatives feel better. It's not true, if it were, there would be no leaving, no divorce, no messing around, everything in the garden would be rosy.

Good luck, don't get nutty.

@Maria53

The conversation went:

Me: have you seen X show from the 90s?

Him: no my brother tried to get me into it for a while and so did my girlfriend

Hadn't heard of had before that moment and he didn't bring her up again. Was just surprised she hasn't come up as he is always talking about friends and family.

OK be surprise about his 'big reveal', the gf you never knew existed, but take it from me he did that big reveal for a reason. Maybe things were getting too close for comfort and he felt the time was right to say, indirectly, back off @Maria53. Or it could be he's got bored of playing stupid games and felt it was the right time to come clean, admit there is a gf, and make sure you know it.

If you're not in a good place atm, you'd be well advised to cut yourself off from all forms of contact with him, focus on you and give yourself some breathing space.

Don't keep picking at the scab thinking it'll heal, it won't until you leave well alone and let time go by.

Do you still work with him? This might make things messy at work if you tell him

Personally I would go with not telling him, go no contact with him (as to not trigger your feelings) and speak to your GP. In time and with the support of your friends your feelings for him will diminish (let’s be honest, nothing has actually happened between you so although you feel heartbroken, you might bounce back quickly)

Going forward, do not fantasise about relationships in your head like this again. Your partner can never match up to the person you’ve built up in your head, it’s unfair on them and you’re setting them up for failure

With your next date, you need to be more upfront, and more grounded in reality. Go with the flow and be honest. It’s unhealthy to become infatuated like this.

@tapihomeware we still work together but Ive now told him I'm looking for another job. I am and hope to leave soon.

No doubt living alone and lockdowns have made my feelings worse.

Ah jaysus...is it not obvious? He has a girlfriend but enjoys the attention from you.

He said he has a girlfriend. So he has a girlfriend.
You can absolutely continue to live your life. It's fine. Leave him to it.

Thank you, good advice.

He clearly means his girlfriend at the time in the context you've given.

I meant to quote you @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe thank you, good advice!