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Original poster

To feel heartbroken that he has a new girlfriend?

161 replies

Maria53 · 21/08/2021 01:10

Hi everyone, I'm really struggling tonight.

I met a guy through work 2 years ago. We hit it off straight away, used to spend most of our time together at work socials and always felt he regarded me as 'special' compared to many others by his actions.

I came to realise he was a shy but good man. I asked him out, he accepted and then lockdown happened that week. We spoke every day for 3 months on the phone and by messaging but then in petered out though we've stayed there n touch.

Now we're back at work and I invited him to come out with me and my friends. He accepted and came out with us tonight. He once briefly mentioned a girlfriend and it was heart breaking for me to hear that. We then spent the rest of the night with my girlfriends and for about 3 hours if was just the 2 of us together.

After he left several hours later I told my friends my true feelings for him. They joked that he clearly didn't come to spend time with them as his focus was on me all night. They said he was here for you and only you, that's obvious. Deep down, I think he shares my feelings but ...

It is hard for to me to put in to words how I feel. I feel like Im falling apart. I want to ask him why he is with this woman when we should be together. I don't think they be been together long. It really hurts 😭

OP posts:
Rudeppl · 21/08/2021 07:42

All men tell their girlfriends they are out of their league... they should tell you you are beautiful! I’m sorry but he told you he has a girlfriend now. You need to step back. He might even feel sorry for you so he decided to attend.

Keepitrealnomists · 21/08/2021 07:43

OP you sound really dramatic.
'I am so attractive but men dont approach me' 🙄 wonder why that is 🙄

SchrodingersImmigrant · 21/08/2021 07:43

You sound unwell and I am actually bit bot worrying about his safety and yours.
Please seek help

pasturesgreen · 21/08/2021 07:49

I want to ask him why he is with this woman when we should be together

Jesus, please don't OP!

If it wasn't really meant to be, things wouldn't have petered out last year.

I don't think your friends are being particularly helpful here, and you need to be careful he isn't stringing you along.

Personally I'd cut my losses and look elsewhere: a man who is in a relationship and spends hours alone with another woman at a social occasion is no prize catch anyway.

daisychain01 · 21/08/2021 08:36

I know some people will think it's wrong, but I really see pre-marital/ pre-settling down relationships as "testing out" whether you are compatible. It sounds like he's not committed to this girlfriend, they are basically dating, and not even for all that long if it's since lockdown.

Honestly, I don't know what you're worrying about. Just tell him how you feel and see what happens.

So you're telling the OP to do the Pick Me dance.

He's with someone else, he may not be married to them but he has chosen to spend his time with that person and now you're saying the OP should go and disrupt his choice to "see what happens" just in case he changes his mind. That's bonkers.

Winemewhynot · 21/08/2021 08:37

If he was interested he would have made it known in the two years you’ve been friends, men are simplistic creatures in my experience, they don’t buy into this secret undying love you see in the movies!

daisychain01 · 21/08/2021 08:37

I want to ask him why he is with this woman when we should be together

That's edging towards bunny boiler territory.

CaptSkippy · 21/08/2021 08:44

@Maria53

He.doesn't know how I feel. I've never told him. I think he has feelings for me and I do him. Going to sound arrogant but my exes always thought I was out of their league and....men rarely ask me out. Im quite good looking although I don't care much about that myself.

I feel....awful. Completely bereft. Heart broken.

Not a normal reaction for me. I feel so sad.

Allow yourself to grieve, but don't tell him anything and don't ever show him how you feel or have felt about him in the past.

He is clearly not so shy that can't ask a woman out. The truth is that he was probably never that interested in you.

That, ofcourse, doesn't help you when you have a crush, but I fear this one was one-sided.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 21/08/2021 08:46

@daisychain01

I want to ask him why he is with this woman when we should be together

That's edging towards bunny boiler territory.

I was thinking the same thing. Don't do it.
hardboiledeggs · 21/08/2021 08:51

His poor girlfriend. Honestly if I were you I would back off, he’s cleared not as nice as you thing if he’s disrespectful to his current girlfriend

PurpleCloak · 21/08/2021 08:51

Strange how Op isn’t addressing how they didn’t manage to meet in the last 1.5years. Blaming it on ‘lockdown’ makes no sense as it was only a couple of months before people could meet one to one.

Oogachuckachopsy · 21/08/2021 08:53

My god, the drama! 😆 also, you sound a bit a lot intense. I hope your hangover isn’t too bad this morning.

Hemingwaycat · 21/08/2021 08:53

If he felt the same way as you, he wouldn’t have found a new girlfriend and would have held out for you in the way you have him. Sorry but you need to move on.

3Br1tnee · 21/08/2021 08:58

Isn't this limerance, or have I got that wrong?

FlowerArranger · 21/08/2021 09:11

We probably won't be hearing from @Maria53 again.

She'll be waking up with a woozy head at some point this morning and namechange...

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/08/2021 09:44

I know some people will think it's wrong, but I really see pre-marital/ pre-settling down relationships as "testing out" whether you are compatible. It sounds like he's not committed to this girlfriend, they are basically dating, and not even for all that long if it's since lockdown.
Confused

Mseddy · 21/08/2021 09:54

Honestly I think you are living in a bit of a fantasy. I've been the girlfriend in this situation. With a newish partner who was getting lots of texts off a girl who he knew through a mutual work friend. She used to refer to me as "that girl" rather than his girlfriend as she genuinely thought I was place sitting for her somehow. I think she had decided that him and her where perfect for eachother but he was too nice to leave me to be with her. The fact I am aware of all this clearly shows where his alligance lay.
She used to post aload of tosh on social media about one person standing in the way of true love, blah blah blah. My then boyfriend felt bad for her and because the mutual friend was a colleague didn't want to upset her too much. I was OK with it because I knew it was one sided.

P.s I've now been married to him for many years, have a child on the way. He treats me like I'm his world, always has despite this other girl trying to tell everyone I was a bump in the road to her future happiness with him. Moral of the story, his relationship may be new, but you have no idea about the nature/strength of it!

Oldandcobwebbed · 21/08/2021 10:03

You sound like my friend. She always has people in the wings and relationship prospects. She rarely actually dates them, but I think it helps her confidence and makes her feel better to feel like she has "prospects" withoutactually having the difficultiesof a relationship and also whilst looking for something better. What tends to happen is they move on and she becomes upset that the relationship never happened although she has effectively benched them and to be honest strung them along for a confidence boost

How long did you think he would wait for you?

Original poster
Maria53 · 21/08/2021 10:08

@Ugzbugz

I think he's interested without a doubt and wasn't sure as you asked him to tag along on a mates night out
Hi the way it was said in hindsight I'm not sure if he means current girl friend or not.

He then went on to talk about all sorts of other things and she never came up again. The rest of his weekend plans didn't feature her either.

Wouldn't you always say 'my ex girlfriend' ? I know I do, never my boyfriend if I don't currently have one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria53 · 21/08/2021 10:12

@onelittlefrog

I know some people will think it's wrong, but I really see pre-marital/ pre-settling down relationships as "testing out" whether you are compatible. It sounds like he's not committed to this girlfriend, they are basically dating, and not even for all that long if it's since lockdown.

Honestly, I don't know what you're worrying about. Just tell him how you feel and see what happens.

If he doesn't even know that you like him, why shouldn't he get into a relationship with someone else? You weren't together. He might secretly like you but think he has no chance, or has missed his opportunity, or whatever.

You shouldn't feel any guilt in expressing your feelings just because he is seeing someone - they're not married and (I'm guessing) you don't know the ins and outs of their dynamic or how happy he actually is with her.

Obviously, if the feelings are reciprocal, you need to wait until he has fully finished it with her before you get together or act on anything. That is just respectful to all three of you.

Other than that - no shame and nothing to lose.

I'll think about this, thanks. I'll be in a position soon where it would make sense to say it if I'm going to - I'm not sure I would regret saying it either way.

Things aren't completely clear. I'd be respectful of any established relationship but I feel I need to get to the bottom of things.

OP posts:
EishetChayil · 21/08/2021 10:12

OP, I'm sorry to say this but you sound mentally quite unwell.

Speak to this guy calmly and rationally. Don't mention your "heartbreak". Tell him you felt that things were developing between you, you dropped the ball over lockdown, and now you wonder if it's too late as he is seeing someone else. Tell him you would be interested in giving things a go if he were single. Then leave the ball in his court and step the hell away.

Original poster
Maria53 · 21/08/2021 10:14

And yea you are right, I do have a sore head this morning. I also got some bad news yesterday and that was just another thing that made me feel life isn't going to get better any time soon.

I think I'm going to see if I can get signed off for a while. Think my emotional and mental health should be my priority. I'm not doing well atm.

OP posts:
Sillawithans · 21/08/2021 10:15

He has a girlfriend for Christ sake.

Chocolateemergency · 21/08/2021 10:21

OP I think you just need to tell him you were shocked he had a girlfriend and see how the conversation goes.

Bluntness100 · 21/08/2021 10:23

@Maria53

And yea you are right, I do have a sore head this morning. I also got some bad news yesterday and that was just another thing that made me feel life isn't going to get better any time soon.

I think I'm going to see if I can get signed off for a while. Think my emotional and mental health should be my priority. I'm not doing well atm.

That’s a good idea but getting help when you’re off is what’s important op. Speak to your doctor about all your feelings and take it from there.