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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel heartbroken that he has a new girlfriend?

161 replies

Maria53 · 21/08/2021 01:10

Hi everyone, I'm really struggling tonight.

I met a guy through work 2 years ago. We hit it off straight away, used to spend most of our time together at work socials and always felt he regarded me as 'special' compared to many others by his actions.

I came to realise he was a shy but good man. I asked him out, he accepted and then lockdown happened that week. We spoke every day for 3 months on the phone and by messaging but then in petered out though we've stayed there n touch.

Now we're back at work and I invited him to come out with me and my friends. He accepted and came out with us tonight. He once briefly mentioned a girlfriend and it was heart breaking for me to hear that. We then spent the rest of the night with my girlfriends and for about 3 hours if was just the 2 of us together.

After he left several hours later I told my friends my true feelings for him. They joked that he clearly didn't come to spend time with them as his focus was on me all night. They said he was here for you and only you, that's obvious. Deep down, I think he shares my feelings but ...

It is hard for to me to put in to words how I feel. I feel like Im falling apart. I want to ask him why he is with this woman when we should be together. I don't think they be been together long. It really hurts 😭

OP posts:
Oldandcobwebbed · 21/08/2021 10:27

@Maria53 if you aren't doing well then its not the time to pursue him

If he accepts then you'll have attached your sense of wellness to the relationship. Your likely not in the right place to be a good partner and build a solid relationship

If he declines, it doesnt sound like you will be able to cope with the rejection

It sounds like you'd benefit from working on things and your sense of confidence and self independently before a relationship

Original poster
Maria53 · 21/08/2021 10:32

@Chocolateemergency

OP I think you just need to tell him you were shocked he had a girlfriend and see how the conversation goes.
I meant to say that my friend that was with us was shocked as well and said she'd be very surprised if he has a girlfriend.

Just from how he had been with me I suppose and the fact she didn't come up all night. Maybe he is just private, but he talks about his friends and family a lot.

OP posts:
gannett · 21/08/2021 10:46

I think he hasn't had the balls to ask me out.

He hasn't asked you out because he has a girlfriend. He made a point of letting you know he had a girlfriend.

You were just good work friends. When you asked him out the messaging petered out. He still has to work with you so he's letting you know that he still sees you as a good friend (hence going out in your group) but nothing more as he has a girlfriend now.

gannett · 21/08/2021 10:47

Just from how he had been with me I suppose and the fact she didn't come up all night.

She did come up. He mentioned her to you. OP you need to think about the facts of what actually happened rather than reading too much into "how he looked at you" or whatever.

vodkaredbullgirl · 21/08/2021 10:51

You sound like a love sick teen.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/08/2021 10:54

I meant to say that my friend that was with us was shocked as well and said she'd be very surprised if he has a girlfriend.
But this is just nonsense, really. He's explicitly told you he has a girlfriend. What on earth is wrong with you?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/08/2021 10:56

You have nothing to lose by a straight conversation
Just tell him you really like him
If he rejects you , well you will be the same level
Of miserable as you are now

But make sure he doesn’t two time you

Be brave 💪

Pinkbonbon · 21/08/2021 10:56

I'm sorry OP but I don't think he is that into you if he has told you himself he has a gf. Presumably one whom he is with, because he likes.

Either he is angling to cheat on her with you or he just sees you as a friend. Either way, time to back off.

Men are generally not shy when it comes to reaching out for what they want. He liked her and he got with her.

Chances are sometime down the line be will ne single again. But until then, stop asking out another ladys bf when you fancy him.

I know it sucks. But you shouldn't lower your moral fibre for any man. Or anyone.

CirqueDeMorgue · 21/08/2021 10:57

Has he told his gf he was out with you and just you for hours? Was she OK with it? I mean at least he mentioned her i suppose.

Pinkbonbon · 21/08/2021 10:58

@Thisisworsethananticpated

You have nothing to lose by a straight conversation Just tell him you really like him If he rejects you , well you will be the same level Of miserable as you are now

But make sure he doesn’t two time you

Be brave 💪

I would have agreed. But he has told her he has a gf so that is really not appropriate.

Totally see the temptation but it's not really an ok thing to suggest yourself as an alternative to another woman.

Suprima · 21/08/2021 11:01

@Maria53

He came out to see you, because it’s handy to keep you hanging as an ego boost.

He knows how you feel- you asked him out for Christ’s sake! “Hasn’t got the balls to ask you out”. This is actually delusional. Why would he? You chased him, he wasn’t into you, your text tennis petered out.

If he wanted to be with you, he WOULD be. He doesn’t want to be. Lockdown was over a year ago, stop using it as an excuse. He does not want to be with you!

I apologise if I am being blunt- but if this man who was basically your text pen pal has had you contemplating life and deciding you don’t want to live any more, you seriously need some therapy and help. You are not ready to date. Surround yourself with your mates, plan some lovely things for you to do and arrange some counselling.

Suprima · 21/08/2021 11:03

@Thisisworsethananticpated

You have nothing to lose by a straight conversation Just tell him you really like him If he rejects you , well you will be the same level Of miserable as you are now

But make sure he doesn’t two time you

Be brave 💪

Be absolutely embarrassing and delusional more like.

There’s no “you go girl!” spin on this. This man who clearly doesn’t like her and has given NO SIGNS that he likes her (and this is OP’s positive spin on the situation) has had her contemplating whether she wants to live. This is not healthy. OP needs therapy and healing, not encouragement for this absolute limerence.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 21/08/2021 11:04

For goodness sake can you not just have an adult conversation with him? It’s not even that clear if he is seeing someone or not.

Hi, I feel like before lockdown we sort of started something, but now I’m not clear where we are. Are you now in a relationship with someone else? If so that’s fine and good luck! But if not then I’d like to see where things go with us. What do you think?

Or something like that.

knittingaddict · 21/08/2021 11:06

I've been through heart break. I reflected on what I wanted next. I should've spoken up sooner. I don't think good men come along often. He is one of the good ones and I don't think I'll met anyone like him anytime soon

So ?

My husband is one of the good ones too. He's empathic, gets on well with women and has very good emotionsla intelligence. However he's not available to you or anyone else who happens to appreciate him. He would tell you that himself.

You seem to feel that you entitled to have him just because you've seen something you like. It doesnt work like that. Everything says unhealthy dynamics, so best to walk away from this one.

madamedesevigne · 21/08/2021 11:06

I’m sorry that you had some more bad news and that you’re not doing well atm. Whatever does or doesn’t happen with this guy, I hope things start looking brighter for you very soon.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 21/08/2021 11:07

One day this thread will be submitted as evidence in court. Poor man Blush

knittingaddict · 21/08/2021 11:08

emotional

Suprima · 21/08/2021 11:13

@Ijustknowitstimetogo

For goodness sake can you not just have an adult conversation with him? It’s not even that clear if he is seeing someone or not.

Hi, I feel like before lockdown we sort of started something, but now I’m not clear where we are. Are you now in a relationship with someone else? If so that’s fine and good luck! But if not then I’d like to see where things go with us. What do you think?

Or something like that.

D E S P E R A T E

Also, he has said he has a girlfriend. How clear could this be?

If he was single and liked OP, they would be together.

Rainbowshit · 21/08/2021 11:20

Honestly if you were meant to be together then things would not have petered out after just 3 months. I think you're building this up to more in your head than it is perhaps because you feel rejected at the mention of a girlfriend.

fairgame84 · 21/08/2021 11:20

Sounds like you got friend zoned.
Either that or he's testing the waters for you to be his side chick.

Do you think your friends honestly think he really is into you or are they just telling you what you want to hear?

Does he actually know your friends? If he only met them last night then of course he spent most of his time with you if he doesn't know them.

You asked him out ages ago so he knows you like him and he still picked someone else.

Nocutenamesleft · 21/08/2021 11:26

Tel him you like him then?

Not sure what the problem is?

If he likes you. Fab. If he doesn’t. Move on.

WandaLust101 · 21/08/2021 11:31

You have to talk to him but do it for a sense of closure, not because you expect anything to happen with him.

As rubbish as it is, he is with someone else.

If he rejects you again then you have a clear answer and you’ll know that you need to move on.

tapihomeware · 21/08/2021 11:32

He’s not private, he’s not shy, he’s not passive

If he wanted you, he would have asked you out. It’s really that simple.

How can you be in love with someone you haven’t kissed, spent time together or slept with? Frankly you’re just obsessed/infatuated with him. It’s one-sided. You’ve built this up in your head, it’s a fantasy and it isn’t real

I don’t know how to drill this in further.

Original poster
Maria53 · 21/08/2021 11:32

@madamedesevigne

I’m sorry that you had some more bad news and that you’re not doing well atm. Whatever does or doesn’t happen with this guy, I hope things start looking brighter for you very soon.
Thank you.
OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 21/08/2021 11:33

@Nocutenamesleft

Tel him you like him then?

Not sure what the problem is?

If he likes you. Fab. If he doesn’t. Move on.

The problem is he's told op he's got a girlfriend. This means either: He's got a girlfriend, or he's just said he has to keep op at arms length. Nothing to suggest he's interested at all. Quite the reverse.