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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel heartbroken that he has a new girlfriend?

161 replies

Maria53 · 21/08/2021 01:10

Hi everyone, I'm really struggling tonight.

I met a guy through work 2 years ago. We hit it off straight away, used to spend most of our time together at work socials and always felt he regarded me as 'special' compared to many others by his actions.

I came to realise he was a shy but good man. I asked him out, he accepted and then lockdown happened that week. We spoke every day for 3 months on the phone and by messaging but then in petered out though we've stayed there n touch.

Now we're back at work and I invited him to come out with me and my friends. He accepted and came out with us tonight. He once briefly mentioned a girlfriend and it was heart breaking for me to hear that. We then spent the rest of the night with my girlfriends and for about 3 hours if was just the 2 of us together.

After he left several hours later I told my friends my true feelings for him. They joked that he clearly didn't come to spend time with them as his focus was on me all night. They said he was here for you and only you, that's obvious. Deep down, I think he shares my feelings but ...

It is hard for to me to put in to words how I feel. I feel like Im falling apart. I want to ask him why he is with this woman when we should be together. I don't think they be been together long. It really hurts 😭

OP posts:

lyntheyresexpeople · 21/08/2021 02:01

You absolutely cannot tell him to dump his girlfriend and be with you.
You should have told him how you felt before, not waited until he had a girlfriend.

Original poster

Maria53 · 21/08/2021 02:04

@Ponoka7

As said he hasn't been too shy to get a girlfriend. He's got a life that you know nothing about. If he had wanted you, he would have changed you. He knew that you liked him, you asked him out. You've been convient and he's keeping you on the back burner. He isn't a good man. He's got a girlfriend, but turned up to keep you dangling. He's probably told you what you wanted to hear. Keep socialising with friends and you'll move on.

No doubt this is good advice. But I still feel awful for now.

I think he hasn't had the balls to ask me out. He spent Friday night with me and I think that does mean something. But I don't think it is great behaviour.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maria53 · 21/08/2021 02:08

@dryasaboner

I'm sorry but you sound absolutely cray cray He should be with you , you feel life isn't worth living, he would make a great husband... You barely know the man

I've known him a couple of years. I know him fairly well.

I've been through heart break. I reflected on what I wanted next. I should've spoken up sooner. I don't think good men come along often. He is one of the good ones and I don't think I'll met anyone like him anytime soon

OP posts:

lyntheyresexpeople · 21/08/2021 02:11

You could have met up ages ago, he clearly met up with his now girlfriend. If he wanted to be with you, he'd have made the same effort with you. Don't cling to the idea he has feelings, it isn't going to help you one but. You had ages to make a move, and neither of you did. That says a lot. I think the intensity of you feelings now are spurred on by the "wanting what you can't have" complex. Time to move on.

FlowerArranger · 21/08/2021 02:12

I think I deserve better behaviour - but I don't think I'll meet another partner like him anytime soon

What on earth do you mean by 'better behaviour'? And how can you say you'll not meet 'another partner like him' - you barely know the guy!

Felt like it had all been for absolutely nothing. All of if Completely pointless

What has been for 'absolutely nothing'?

It sounds like you are depressed and have serious issues about self-worth.
If I were you I'd seek counselling to try and get to the bottom of what is bugging you as your feelings about this man seem quite obsessive.

arcof · 21/08/2021 02:19

So when you started the frequent texting did he tell you at that point he was single? Or was it never mentioned? It's entirely possible this girlfriend pre-dates your little flirtation.
I don't know why you think you are "entitled" to this man. He has free will and knows how to use it.
Also don't discount - many people have these flirtations t work cos it's fun and makes the day go faster - often men like this have no interest in pursuing a relationship with you, they just enjoy the thrill of the chase

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/08/2021 02:19

He's not passive just because he hasn't asked you out, he's already got himself a girlfriend.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/08/2021 02:21

I think he hasn't had the balls to ask me out. He spent Friday night with me and I think that does mean something. But I don't think it is great behaviour.
He's with someone, op. Stop it.

daisychain01 · 21/08/2021 02:41

Seems like a lot of what's been happening with this bloke has been going on in your head, and that's become your reality.

It's very easy to have all sorts of imaginary thoughts on your life "together" that may feel real, but honestly they really aren't real. The mind is a powerful organ. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He's chosen a different path.

It sounds like you now need time to process this realisation and then once you've accepted reality, you will be able to move on. Be kind to yourself.

1forAll74 · 21/08/2021 03:17

He doesn't want to settle with you, he likes your friendship better. But if he now has a girlfriend, she might not like you being a friend, so best to forget about him.

TheSharpertheJuice · 21/08/2021 03:43

Look up limerence- from the way you’re posting I think this could be the way you’re headed if you aren’t already and it’s a bastard to recover from until you recognise that.

He’s with someone else. If he wanted to be with you, he’d have been with you- he asked her out, he could have asked you out. But didn’t. Leave it alone.

Ugzbugz · 21/08/2021 03:58

Hang on

What exactly did he say about the girlfriend? And where did he say he was going?

Are you sure he is talking about a current one?

Ugzbugz · 21/08/2021 04:01

I think he's interested without a doubt and wasn't sure as you asked him to tag along on a mates night out

user1473878824 · 21/08/2021 04:56

I think he hasn't had the balls to ask me out. He spent Friday night with me and I think that does mean something. But I don't think it is great behaviour.

Honestly you are sounding nuts. It meant nothing to him in that way because he has a girlfriend. He didn’t ask you out. You seriously have to stop thinking about this like you’re somehow going to win. Maybe you’ll get together in the future, maybe you won’t. You say you’ve missed out, you never asked him out though, did you? But now he has a girlfriend you’re heartbroken. Come on.

Balonzette · 21/08/2021 05:13

OP you are being really intense. You maybe need to take a step back as you risk really embarrassing yourself if you go at him a guns blazing and declare that you KNOW he likes you and you like him too.

It is possible that he likes you as a friend. Or maybe he fancies you but doesn't see you as gf material? Otherwise why hasn't he said anything until now, but was fine to be friendly with you/ask out his girlfriend?

You seem desperate for him. It isn't healthy to be like this about anyone, especially not someone who is just a friend.

I go out with friends because they're my friends, not because I'm secretely in love with them

onelittlefrog · 21/08/2021 05:13

I know some people will think it's wrong, but I really see pre-marital/ pre-settling down relationships as "testing out" whether you are compatible. It sounds like he's not committed to this girlfriend, they are basically dating, and not even for all that long if it's since lockdown.

Honestly, I don't know what you're worrying about. Just tell him how you feel and see what happens.

If he doesn't even know that you like him, why shouldn't he get into a relationship with someone else? You weren't together. He might secretly like you but think he has no chance, or has missed his opportunity, or whatever.

You shouldn't feel any guilt in expressing your feelings just because he is seeing someone - they're not married and (I'm guessing) you don't know the ins and outs of their dynamic or how happy he actually is with her.

Obviously, if the feelings are reciprocal, you need to wait until he has fully finished it with her before you get together or act on anything. That is just respectful to all three of you.

Other than that - no shame and nothing to lose.

onelittlefrog · 21/08/2021 05:20

@Balonzette

You seem desperate for him. It isn't healthy to be like this about anyone, especially not someone who is just a friend.

I go out with friends because they're my friends, not because I'm secretely in love with them

Bit harsh to say OP is being too "intense" and "not healthy". She's obviously in the throes of having some strong feelings for someone. Don't you know/ remember what that's like?

People are different and some feel these things intensely, it's normal and human. There's nothing wrong with it as long as she acts in an appropriate way.

redfairy · 21/08/2021 07:08

He asked his girlfriend out, not you. Because he likes her and wants a romantic relationship with her. He likes you...as a friend. He didn't ask you out. You need to accept this.

Bluntness100 · 21/08/2021 07:21

Op I have to be honest, your post gives rise to concern about your mental health. These comments on him being a good husband, how life isn’t worth living etc is really unhealthy. To put it mildly.

Have you Been fantasising about marrying this man? That he was the one? Even though you’ve never had a relationship with him ans he’s never made a move? Is this what’s caused this? You’ve created a fantasy in your head that you believed to be real and when faced with the reality he’s a mate who has a girlfriend you feel like life isn’t worth living?

If so then I think you need to get help. Something is very very wrong there and you’re unwell.

SilverTimpani · 21/08/2021 07:24

I always think that with relationships, if they’re meant for you they won’t pass you by. Inconveniences of distance / timing / lockdown etc can all be surmounted if there’s interest and commitment enough from both parties.

I think that means that actually, this relationship wasn’t the right one for you, because if it was it wouldn’t have petered out despite lockdown. You would have been really motivated to make it work.

I think this is a case of you thinking something would have been perfect now that it isn’t available. This is such a normal human response - to remember the good, and to forget the bad. Once an option is off the table it’s so easy to panic and think there will never be a better one.

I think you need to have faith in your own judgment. If he had truly been special, different, meant for you etc then you wouldn’t have let it fizzle out. The fact that you did proves he’s not your lobster. You’re having a wobble now because that door has closed and that’s scary - but it doesn’t mean you were wrong.

Give yourself time for the feeling to pass and have faith that the right relationship is out there for you.

woodfort · 21/08/2021 07:29

You asked him out before lockdown though so he does know?

And then spoke to him every day? It was 2-3 months into lockdown when we were able to meet up with one person outside I think so I guess it would have naturally happened if you’d both wanted?

Aprilx · 21/08/2021 07:34

I used to get overly attached to people I was not in a relationship with, I hadn’t heard the word limerance back then, but perhaps that is what it was. So I do understand how you feel, it is a very strong feeling and I remember it involves trying to interpret every single thing they do into meaning they have feelings for me. The logical part of me knows I was deluding myself because whenever anybody really did fancy me, I did not need to interpret anything, it was always very clear.

And it is clear to me here that he does not see you in the same way as you see him, he sees you as a friend. He is not passive, shy or lacking the balls to ask you out, nor does he wonder how you feel about him because you have already asked him out so he knows. He just doesn’t want to go out with you, he wants to go out with her and demonstrably is capable of entering a relationship when he wants to.

Be nice to yourself, keep busy, it may be very hard now, but it will pass.

Hypnoshiding · 21/08/2021 07:39

I have to agree op, it sounds like something else is going for you.

There have been loads of breaks in lockdowns or times you could have met up. You didn't. You dont actually know him, you know him as a work colleague and some you text during lockdown. And even that petered out.

You say he is shy....but he doesn't have a problem meeting women. As shown by hi have have a girlfriend

You say he is a good guy. But also say it was obvious he came out, just for you. Was focused on you. Does a good guy, go out with a woman who he is attracted to and spend all night focused on them, just to spend time with this woman, who isn't his girlfriend?

Either he is a good guy, went out because he thought it would be fun and spoke to you because he doesn't know the others.

Or he went along just Purley to get close to you and he isn't a good guy.

I feel you seem to be not seeing things clearly. You say you accept he has a girlfriend...but its early days. Fantasise about how he should break up with her for you.

If he wanted to be with you, he would be. He managed to get with her. He could have made that move with you. He didn't.

But I think, really you know all this.

DontWiltMySpinachPlease · 21/08/2021 07:40

You need to leave this alone, for your own good.

Polkabott · 21/08/2021 07:41

No offence OP, but if he he wanted to be with you he would leave his girlfriend. He doesn't sound like that great of a guy if he wasn't honest that he had one, and evidently he isn't too shy to ask someone out. This might sound harsh, but for your own sake I would recommend moving on.

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