Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

11 year old and off out with mates

150 replies

Livvielo · 20/08/2021 20:21

DD (11) off to senior school in September, has been asked by her mate (also 11) to catch the train with her to the seaside - also has a theme park there- tomorrow.
DD has not actually been much further than our street, and to the little park just behind our house, where she ‘hangs out’ with friends. She has a 7pm curfew, but I can also see her most of the time from our bedroom window.
We are aware her friends have more freedom than she has.
My partner is all for it and says once she starts seniors, she will probably want to be out and about all the time so why not start now.
Me on the other hand, thinks it’s jumping to the extreme to travel with her mate 30 mins on the train, and end up going wherever she likes without me knowing where she is.
So aibu? Is my partner right?
I guess I’m worried about this next part of her life. And so as not to drip feed- there was an incident in the theme park today, that has been reported in the local news. A fight broke out and reportedly, the park was evacuated. Social media reports state there was a ‘gang with knives.’
This sort of thing has not been reported there before, however I am on edge about it!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Livvielo · 20/08/2021 20:22

Also interested how much freedom your child has at 11? Thankyou.

OP posts:
Blankspace4 · 20/08/2021 20:23

I’m not sure I’d be keen on that.

Could there be a plan for you to take them to the park and do your own thing for the day, agreeing to meet them at x o’clock?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 20/08/2021 20:24

Mines a year younger and I wouldn't be happy with that. With a parent also on the train and at the seaside (but not following every second) yes.

Comedycook · 20/08/2021 20:25

I wouldn't allow this. At 11, my ds would go to a local park with his friends but that was it really

mummyof2boys30 · 20/08/2021 20:26

My son is 11 and also starting high school. Would be a no from me. Though i also realise i need to start giving him more freedom

Original poster
Livvielo · 20/08/2021 20:27

Did suggest that option earlier but DD came back with ‘that’s not fair. Why can’t I go on the train’ to which I don’t really have a reason why. The train part is probably the least of my worries. But I did think if we plan a day at the seaside with our younger DD (8) then we could let them do thing and we can do ours, but at least we would be close by!

OP posts:
ButterflyBitch · 20/08/2021 20:27

Does she have a phone so she can get in touch with you? My son has gone to the park and the woods for a walk with friends. They still play like little kids so don’t want to go much further right now. Can she be trusted to be sensible?

chopc · 20/08/2021 20:28

Nope I wouldn't allow this and my DD is 13. When she wanted to go to Southend I drove her and her friend there and back

LimeRedBanana · 20/08/2021 20:28

I have an 11YO and a 12YO and I wouldn’t be all that keen on that.

I would be compromising through, and suggesting something a bit more palatable closer to home, that also allows her a bit of independence.

Original poster
Livvielo · 20/08/2021 20:28

I’m glad I’m not the only one not comfortable with this. Quite a lot of her fiends are already allowed out to catch the bus into town, and many of them have ‘when it gets dark’ curfews. DD says she feels like the odd one out. Confused

OP posts:
ButterflyBitch · 20/08/2021 20:28

The woods and park are no longer than a ten minute walk from us so it’s not quite the same.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 20/08/2021 20:29

At 11 no way would I allow that.

Original poster
Livvielo · 20/08/2021 20:29

@chopc

Nope I wouldn't allow this and my DD is 13. When she wanted to go to Southend I drove her and her friend there and back
That is exactly where she wants to go Grin
OP posts:
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 20/08/2021 20:32

DD wouldn't have been allowed to go on the train by herself at 11, even at nearly 14 she maybe gets a bus to a shopping mall or the cinema with her friends.

Lemonsyellow · 20/08/2021 20:33

I was quite relaxed as a parent, and I wouldn’t have allowed that at all.

However, I do think it’s too restrictive to have an 11-year-old who has basically not been beyond her street or the nearby park on their own. But there’s lots of time ahead to build up to theme parks on their own by train - several years into the future.

chopc · 20/08/2021 20:33

Do not feel bad about not allowing it - it's not a place I would want young kids to hang out alone without me being nearby

bigTillyMint · 20/08/2021 20:34

I agree, a bit too young if she hasn’t done anything further than park you can see from house. Maybe by the end of Y7.

The train journey itself or being in the theme park unsupervised wouldn’t worry me so much, it’s just the whole day as one thing. I think you taking younger DD in different carriage, avoid but be in theme park etc might be a possible way forward?

dicdicnurse · 20/08/2021 20:34

I wouldn't be happy with this. My 11yr old walks to the park and more recently the local shop with friends but that's about it for now. I know things may change in September when she meets new people and wants more freedom but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it and make sure she and I are both comfortable. To be honest, it's nearly the other way in our house, me persuading her to venture out. She's quite happy in the house!

PaddingtonStareBare · 20/08/2021 20:36

I have a 12yr old and no I wouldn't let her catch the train to a park with another child her age. I'd drive them and let them have their freedom whilst there as she would have her phone on her and then drive them home again. I wouldn't allow her on a train.
Her peers have much more freedom than what she does, but that still doesn't equate to independent travel to a seaside resort. I'd possibly allow it in a group of 4 with one who was a seasoned traveller with parents or went in with an older sibling perhaps, but only from around 13/14 or so.

KurtWilde · 20/08/2021 20:37

I consider myself quite relaxed but it would be a no from me. My older ones didn't get to do things like that until they were around 14-15. Youngest DD just turned 11 and no, not a chance.

Lemonsyellow · 20/08/2021 20:38

It’s the theme park that would concern me more than the train. My DC were travelling intercity at 11 - to visit their grandparents- and also would go on trains, tubes and buses daily at that age. But you need to build up to it.

Coasterfan · 20/08/2021 20:38

My son is the same age and I wouldn’t allow this, he’s had a similar amount of freedom to your DD, he has walked to school and back most of year 6 and goes to the local park with his friends and sometimes one a little further away but he has never been on public transport alone. He’s going to secondary with a wide catchment so will probably want to meet his new friends in the city and that will be fine but I think step by step is better, this seems like a big leap for your DD. My DD is 13 almost 14, she will go off with friends at Alton Towers but I ve always been on site.

I did google the particular theme park as we are massive fans of theme parks and I think this is likely to be a one off incident, we ve been a few times in school holidays and it’s always felt safe and family orientated!

Lulu1919 · 20/08/2021 20:39

Would be a no from me

TSSDNCOP · 20/08/2021 20:39

Would they even get in the theme park unaccompanied?

DS14 gets the train to school and has since 11, but I'd still hesitate. I accept they need to stretch their wings but at 11 a train journey could go all sorts of wrong with cancellations, missed stops and in Kent the county lines opportunists.

Can't one of you at least drive the kids there and let them go in for a couple of hours while you have a leisurely lunch?

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 20/08/2021 20:40

I’m quite relaxed, but I let my dd2 do that exact thing for the first time this summer and she is 13. It would have been a no from me at 11. I don’t think she would have been mature enough to cope if things hadn’t gone to plan.