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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

11 year old and off out with mates

150 replies

Livvielo · 20/08/2021 20:21

DD (11) off to senior school in September, has been asked by her mate (also 11) to catch the train with her to the seaside - also has a theme park there- tomorrow.
DD has not actually been much further than our street, and to the little park just behind our house, where she ‘hangs out’ with friends. She has a 7pm curfew, but I can also see her most of the time from our bedroom window.
We are aware her friends have more freedom than she has.
My partner is all for it and says once she starts seniors, she will probably want to be out and about all the time so why not start now.
Me on the other hand, thinks it’s jumping to the extreme to travel with her mate 30 mins on the train, and end up going wherever she likes without me knowing where she is.
So aibu? Is my partner right?
I guess I’m worried about this next part of her life. And so as not to drip feed- there was an incident in the theme park today, that has been reported in the local news. A fight broke out and reportedly, the park was evacuated. Social media reports state there was a ‘gang with knives.’
This sort of thing has not been reported there before, however I am on edge about it!!

OP posts:
Travielkapelka · 20/08/2021 21:17

Absolutely no chance. Not in a billion years

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/08/2021 21:18

I wouldn't allow it.

Half an hour on a train to visit a friend's house? Probably.

But Southend? Adventure Island? No way. It is extremely rough at the best of times (we enjoy it anyway) but it is no fit place for unaccompanied 11 year olds.

Simplelobsterhat · 20/08/2021 21:18

My dd is the same age and that sounds like too much to me. She's allowed to the park, local shop and walk around the village where we live with friends, so similar to your dd. What you describe is too big a jump. Round here I would say most of her friends have the same boundaries though which makes it easier for us! We will gradually increase her independence as she settles into high-school.
I think you should give her the choice of you taking her but giving them time by themselves, or not going at all. Do you know the other girl's parents. They may not be as on board as she makes out!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/08/2021 21:19

Btw I wouldn't drive them there and hover nearby either. I wouldn't let them out of my sight.

TwoleftUggs · 20/08/2021 21:20

Think you need to find a happy medium. Only being allowed to the nearby park is not enough but a day out on the train to the seaside is too much. We live a 30min train ride to a big city centre or a 30 min bus ride to the seaside, and my dc at 11 were allowed to do neither by themselves. Think I started by maybe accompanying them there and giving them a few hours unsupervised, by age 13 they were going by themselves.

TicTac80 · 20/08/2021 21:20

At 11, not a chance! My son is nearly 15 and I think I’d allow it now. My reasons for not allowing it before? I’d worry about whether an 11yr old would be savvy enough to know what to do if things went wrong/they got lost/something bad happened. I’m also very worried about county lines/knife crime/stuff like that.

PinkCheetah · 20/08/2021 21:21

When I were 11 I was up and down London on the subway back and forth to school. It's also child dependent and how mature you think they are.

converseandjeans · 20/08/2021 21:21

No I think the issue with the evacuation and the fight would put me off.

I think perhaps you going nearby with younger sibling might solve the problem.

Don't feel bad about saying no - it's your choice & if your gut instinct is that it's too soon then it probably is.

I was allowed to do days out like that probably from 13/14.

TwoleftUggs · 20/08/2021 21:21

Oh and we have both Apple’s Find my Friends and snapmaps activated so I can always see where they are.

RaininSummer · 20/08/2021 21:23

Seems far too young to me. Could you plan a day where a parent or two goes with them but lets them go off for a few hours?

HerMammy · 20/08/2021 21:24

If she was streetwise yes but it sounds like she’s been very shielded if she’s never been beyond your street at 11. Time to loosen the apron strings, just maybe not this trip right away.

m0therofdragons · 20/08/2021 21:27

It would be a no from me. I’d let Dd1 now - she’s 13 and about to start year 9. They have lots of time to grow up but pre year 7 compared with the end of year 7 is a huge difference.

pink1173 · 20/08/2021 21:28

Just FYI at 4.30 tonight Adventure Island was evacuated and there was a fight and arrests etc. It is very very busy there. I would need to ask the question would they know what to do in that situation. I think at 11 it is far too young and I would say no.

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/08/2021 21:28

As someone who was travelling 30mins by train to the city for school a 11, I'm wondering what has changed to make train such a no-go area for 11 years olds now?

Original poster
Livvielo · 20/08/2021 21:31

@SecretKeeper1

No way, and I don’t know anyone that would allow it. We use “find my phone” to check where each other is if needs be, does your daughter have a phone, OP? It’s a very easy way of putting your mind at rest while they’re still young.
Yes, she’s now got a phone (after begging for one for two years!) we gave her one on her 11th birthday Grin
OP posts:
cpjoli · 20/08/2021 21:34

No I wouldn't. Even now, I worry about DS going to Southend, at 17!

OnTheBrink1 · 20/08/2021 21:35

Absolutely no way. I have a 12 year old Dd and no way at all would she be doing this yet.
Southend is also full of complete weirdos and 11 year old girls (and boys but more so girls) are completely and utterly vulnerable.
I always tell DD it’s not you I don’t trust, it’s other people!!

alrightfella · 20/08/2021 21:35

So they have to change trains too. It would be a no from me OP I don't think Southend is particularly nice. It's easy for undesirables to hang around adventure island as you don't need a ticket to get in.

Plus the train journey is not straightforward and it's a walk from the station to the seafront. Brentwood is very different to Southend although at 11 she may not understand that yet.

OnTheBrink1 · 20/08/2021 21:38

@PinkCheetah

When I were 11 I was up and down London on the subway back and forth to school. It's also child dependent and how mature you think they are.
How long ago was this though? 50 years ago for example, 7 year olds would have been asked to watch their younger brothers and sisters for a few hours whilst mum went shopping. At 7 you would have been expected to walk 30 mins to school and take the younger kids too! And also going back and forth to school where you have a destination with adults either end is totally different to a day hanging out with another 11 year old.
converseandjeans · 20/08/2021 21:41

meredint

As someone who was travelling 30mins by train to the city for school a 11, I'm wondering what has changed to make train such a no-go area for 11 years olds now?

Knife crime and county lines drugs

thanksamillion · 20/08/2021 21:44

I'm the most relaxed of my DD's friends parents and she is DC3 so has even more freedom than the older two did, but even for me this would be a no. She can go to the local town centre on the bus but not further than that. DD1 first did a 30 minute train ride when she was 14 and that was after I'd done it with her to check route etc and make sure she was confident.
The other red flag for me is that it's the friend who knows the way which means that your DD is very dependent on them.

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 20/08/2021 21:48

My DS is 11 but the baby of his year so he’s about to go into year 8. There’s no way I’d allow him to do something like this and he’s very sensible and used to public transport etc.

This last year (when lockdown hasn’t been on) we’ve tried to give him some more freedom. He’s allowed up to the town which is an enclosed shopping centre with security guards present, he goes to the cinema with his friends and he’s allowed to meet them at a cafe.

The first time or two he met his mates up town I hung about for an hour running errands but now I just let him get on with it. You’ve got to build things up slowly for everyone’s benefit.

TSSDNCOP · 20/08/2021 21:48

County lines would be as much a problem for a London to Essex train line as the one here in Kent. It's absolutely not a point to dismiss, but a real sign of our times.

pilates · 20/08/2021 21:49

No I wouldn’t be comfortable with that

Hoppinggreen · 20/08/2021 21:51

It would be a no from me.
DS is 12 and I probably wouldn’t allow him to do this either