Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

11 year old and off out with mates

150 replies

Livvielo · 20/08/2021 20:21

DD (11) off to senior school in September, has been asked by her mate (also 11) to catch the train with her to the seaside - also has a theme park there- tomorrow.
DD has not actually been much further than our street, and to the little park just behind our house, where she ‘hangs out’ with friends. She has a 7pm curfew, but I can also see her most of the time from our bedroom window.
We are aware her friends have more freedom than she has.
My partner is all for it and says once she starts seniors, she will probably want to be out and about all the time so why not start now.
Me on the other hand, thinks it’s jumping to the extreme to travel with her mate 30 mins on the train, and end up going wherever she likes without me knowing where she is.
So aibu? Is my partner right?
I guess I’m worried about this next part of her life. And so as not to drip feed- there was an incident in the theme park today, that has been reported in the local news. A fight broke out and reportedly, the park was evacuated. Social media reports state there was a ‘gang with knives.’
This sort of thing has not been reported there before, however I am on edge about it!!

OP posts:

2reefsin30knots · 20/08/2021 20:40

My DS is 11. I let him out in the safe little market town we live in the centre of. He can walk to friends' houses, his grandparents, take himself to the shops etc and he walks to and from school.

No way I'd let him take the train 30 mins away to a busy seaside resort. Maybe at 14.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 20/08/2021 20:41

No, I'd not be happy for my almost 12year old starting Secondary in Sept DS to do this.

TSSDNCOP · 20/08/2021 20:42

Apologies if I sound a bit OTT. County lines is a BIG issue here, all the train kids are made very aware by their schools of people that can take advantage of them. A bunch of pre-teen girls would be a soft target.

BillinaTheChickenQueen · 20/08/2021 20:44

Oh definitely not.
My dts start secondary in a week or so too.
They go to the park and to friends houses independently and they let themselves in to our house after school, when we are at work. So they do have some freedom.
I wouldn’t be happy about them getting the train and going to the seaside unless they do it all the time and are familiar with where to find everything.

Katjolo · 20/08/2021 20:44

I wouldn't. Can you drive her there and be on standby in the area whilst she is there? Perhaps in a cafe? Will she be travelling from London?

WaterBottle123 · 20/08/2021 20:45

I have an 11 year old DD. Absolutely no way I'd allow this

MonsterKidz · 20/08/2021 20:48

I have an almost 11 year old. Not nearly ready to do this sort of trip on their own. But I do know others who do and whose parents would allow it and encourage it tbh.

Miracle29 · 20/08/2021 20:50

My ds is 13 and I wouldnt allow that now and certainly wouldnt at 11. Im all for they should have freedom bit within reason. We also get the 'that's not fair' and I used to feel awful and mean but I always explain to my ds that different parents have different rules and I'm not happy for him to be out at 9 like his friends or whatever else they do. He used to get bullied at 10 on the xbox because his friends could stay on until whatever time they wanted and I gave ds a reasonable time to be off and watching a film before bed. He has now come to accept the fact that I'm not an evil mum I just like to know where he is and that hes home on time and safe.

PeasPeasPeasAreGoodForYou · 20/08/2021 20:51

Would be a no from me!
I wouldn't of been allowed to do this at 11 20years ago either.

Landlubber2019 · 20/08/2021 20:54

It would be a no from me

TiredButDancing · 20/08/2021 20:55

Mmm, DS has more freedom than any of his friends (he's 10) and I cannot imagine allowing this under any circumstances in 1 year. Towards the end of year 7, sure, but not at this point.

And in your case, where your daughter hasn't had any experience of being independent, it's not great. I'm a v big believer in children being exposed slowly and regularly to more independence rather than one day they're suddenly supposedly old enough.

MakkaPakkas · 20/08/2021 20:57

I'd be worried they'd get lost. But yeah, also struggling with 'letting go' of my nearly 11 year old who is starting secondary in September. So far, she just goes to the park or local (walkable) town centre with her brother. She is sensible and it's not an awful area but bad things do happen. It's very hard to let her have freedom. I feel your anxiety!!

Bumpsadaisie · 20/08/2021 20:59

I started to let mine go on 30 mins on the bus with a friend to a local visitor centre / attraction (which they had been to many times before with us) at the end of year 7.

They grow up so much in year 7 and it felt right in a way it wouldn't have at the end of year 6.

PeppermintMocha · 20/08/2021 21:00

If she's desperate to go on the train with her friend, could you go in a separate carriage? and then be on hand in the town but not actually with them - maybe with a couple of check-in points, see them into the fair etc, and then have her text/phone every now and then. She must realise that this is quite a big jump from what she's done before, too.

alrightfella · 20/08/2021 21:01

Hmm where do you live? I must be honest I'm not I really keen on Southend as a town. Are they just going to adventure island? Do they even know the way from the station?

Lindy2 · 20/08/2021 21:04

I think that's too much of a jump in being out with friends. I think 11 is too young for a theme park without an adult and a brand new, unpracticed train journey.

Perhaps in a couple of years time but not at 11 and not having started Secondary school yet.

MeridasMum · 20/08/2021 21:05

Not a chance! Especially as she hasn't been too far from home. Start with much shorter outings (and not till she's at high school, there's no need before then).
Drop her off somewhere for an hour or two but be close by.

ChrissyPlummer · 20/08/2021 21:05

@TSSDNCOP

Would they even get in the theme park unaccompanied?

DS14 gets the train to school and has since 11, but I'd still hesitate. I accept they need to stretch their wings but at 11 a train journey could go all sorts of wrong with cancellations, missed stops and in Kent the county lines opportunists.

Can't one of you at least drive the kids there and let them go in for a couple of hours while you have a leisurely lunch?

Yes they would. Why wouldn’t they?

Original poster

Livvielo · 20/08/2021 21:05

@alrightfella

Hmm where do you live? I must be honest I'm not I really keen on Southend as a town. Are they just going to adventure island? Do they even know the way from the station?

Brentwood. Her friend knows the way as she’s done the trip herself at weekends with another friend also allowed to go. I’m actually surprised at the responses, as I was starting to think I was being OTT!!!

OP posts:

SecretKeeper1 · 20/08/2021 21:08

No way, and I don’t know anyone that would allow it. We use “find my phone” to check where each other is if needs be, does your daughter have a phone, OP? It’s a very easy way of putting your mind at rest while they’re still young.

bigbaggyeyes · 20/08/2021 21:09

Not at 11 no, my dd started to catch the school bus to school or would walk to school alone at that age. She'd meet her friends at a local park. Can you take them, drop them off and collect them from the gate?

Disneyinmyveins · 20/08/2021 21:10

I have a 13 yr old and am quite strict but trying to relax a bit. I would maybe compromise, let
them get the train there and pick them up no train home. The life 360 app is worthwhile as it tells your their location. I think it's important to build their confidence but within reason

UserStillatLarge · 20/08/2021 21:13

I wouldn't allow it if your DD has never really had any freedom. It's too much of a jump. Would be fine if she was used to going out on her own.

But I would suggest starting to allow her to do a bit more independently ... maybe starting now? 7pm is also a ridiculously early curfew for a child about to start secondary school.

romdowa · 20/08/2021 21:15

11 is way too young to be going to be busy seaside area with no adult. It would be a no from me and its a bit irresponsible of these other parents to let their kids go alone.

Jerima · 20/08/2021 21:17

"NO! I'll drive you there and back and stay out of your way or you don't go your choice."

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6