11 year old and off out with mates

[Livvielo]

DD (11) off to senior school in September, has been asked by her mate (also 11) to catch the train with her to the seaside - also has a theme park there- tomorrow.
DD has not actually been much further than our street, and to the little park just behind our house, where she ‘hangs out’ with friends. She has a 7pm curfew, but I can also see her most of the time from our bedroom window.
We are aware her friends have more freedom than she has.
My partner is all for it and says once she starts seniors, she will probably want to be out and about all the time so why not start now.
Me on the other hand, thinks it’s jumping to the extreme to travel with her mate 30 mins on the train, and end up going wherever she likes without me knowing where she is.
So aibu? Is my partner right?
I guess I’m worried about this next part of her life. And so as not to drip feed- there was an incident in the theme park today, that has been reported in the local news. A fight broke out and reportedly, the park was evacuated. Social media reports state there was a ‘gang with knives.’
This sort of thing has not been reported there before, however I am on edge about it!!

It’s a no from me, especially after this event there this evening.

www.echo-news.co.uk/news/19528801.adventure-island-southend-police-incident-update/

No. My 11 year old has a lot of freedom, he can catch the bus into town by himself, (about a mile) go on longish bike rides by himself etc. But I wouldn't let him get on the train by himself esp a 30 min train ride. Too far away, too many unknowns /risks.

Well, I’m glad I was 11 nearly 50 years ago and wouldn’t have been treated like a kindergarten kid

I would have said yes because at 11 I was jumping on and off trains and buses and planning days out with friends down to the beach / swimming pool / city centre etc. Mine is 10 and slowly working up to that stuff with her friends now.

But I think you need to actually spend some time working her up to this. She's 11 and hasn't been out of the street, so I think you are completely correct in not letting her go.

You do need to get her doing things by herself though.

Do you never run out of milk unexpectedly and have to send her to the shops? 😂

No, I wouldn't like that at all.
At 11 mine were walking to and from school by themselves, I wouldn't want them going on public transport to a theme park over half an hour away by themselves at that age.

Since 11, but I'd still hesitate. I accept they need to stretch their wings but at 11 a train journey could go all sorts of wrong with cancellations

Exactly this, I'd be worrying that they knew what to do at the age of 11 in the event of cancellations/delays/replacement bus services etc!
I don't drive and have plenty of experience of public transport being an absolute arse cancelling stuff all over the place.

There needs to be some inbetween steps first

Well, I’m glad I was 11 nearly 50 years ago and wouldn’t have been treated like a kindergarten kid

And DM aged 84 would happily tell you how she used to roller skate age 11 from the Old Kent Road to Elephant and Castle, and that younger than that she used to play on bomb sites et etc

She'd also tell you that she wouldn't let kids do that now, because she understands that kids are exposed to very different things, and whatever generation they exist in they need to be built up to learn their smarts.

It's not a question if not letting them become independent, it's question of enabling them to do so when they can understand and evaluate risk.

No, I would not be comfortable with this and in all honesty it would even be something I would be willing to discuss at 11.

I have an 11 year old. She has just started to walk to the shop and to the park in our village. She spends time with friends locally - all within 2 streets away. I would say that most of her friends are allowed similar freedoms but not significantly more.

@TigerDroveAgain

Well, I’m glad I was 11 nearly 50 years ago and wouldn’t have been treated like a kindergarten kid

How did you cope with being in lockdown at the age of 9-11?

Thank you all. Other half has read the entire thread now- and admits that we need to take smaller steps to her ‘freedom.’
We’ve now said no, especially in light of what happened at the theme park yesterday- and in general Southend is not a safe place at the best of times.
As it’s been mentioned, the last year or so has been very different for our children. DD was only 9 at the start of the lockdown.
She turned 11 last month.

So we do have some catching up to do! We have said we will allow her to go to the high street (15 mins walk) as she starts to gain some independence. I have dropped her to the high street a few times to meet a friend for lunch whilst I’ve done some shopping. But we will allow her to go there with a friend now and go from there.
When she starts senior school she will have to walk that way as well.

I also wouldn't be happy with this, and I usually have extremely relaxed standards according to this forum.

At 11 I'd go to school on my own (a 10-15min walk) and sometimes I'd leave the house on my own to hit the bookstore (10min). I started taking the bus from school the year after that (we moved). I had a lot of freedom actually from 12-13, I'd take long walks on my own

I wouldn't let your DD go, but I'd also make an effort to make her more independant as she appears to be quite sheltered right now.

@Livvielo I think that sounds a good plan, if you've got town a 15 minute walk let her start having a wander into town by herself and a browse round the shops or whatever.
Bit of independence, but still near enough.
All good practice for when needs to start going to high school daily.

I'd be a bit concerned that your partner is "all for it", tbh.

When my Kids started seniors and they started going out with friends it was hard not to worry. Within a few months they’d get the bus into town. I wouldn’t let them go on a 1/2 hour train journey at 11 though. I’m quite surprised the other children are allowed.

My DD is 15 and only just started going further using trains last year.

I would offer to either go with them or take them myself.

A tip for when you do start allowing longer journeys- when I was 14, my friend and I were allowed to start going into London. Prior to this the friend's mother accompanied us to London on a visit. We had to make all the decisions about train times, ticket purchasing, Tube routes, navigation on streets, and she was basically there in case we screwed it up. Yes it was a bit embarrassing having a friend's mum trailing us all day, but it was a non negotiable step for us to prove we were sensible enough to deserve the freedom. We also did a before London practice run in a large town under the same conditions.

My daughter has just turned 11 and will be starting secondary in Sept. She can walk to local park to meet friends, be dropped at skate park for a few hours including a walk to local shop for too many snacks etc. But that's about it so far.

School will be a bus ride away including a change in main town bus station, we have practised it but she won't be doing it to begin with, we will give lifts and then once she's confident she can do it. Once she's got the hang of that then probably bus to other places too, skate park, town etc.

I would say no to what your daughter is suggesting, none of her friends would be doing it either.

Start local & build it up. We don't live far from you and my dc are 16 & 14 and Southend is one place I still wouldn't be particularly happy for either to go.

Would be a no from me tbh.

not a chance
and mine are grown up now

My DD is 11 too. She’s never been further than the local park and around the village. A trip as you’ve described has never been discussed but I think I’d prefer to wait until she was a little older

I wouldn’t allow this, probably not until 13. She’s only just left primary school and has little to no experience of going out independently. I think she’s too young for this, I wouldn’t let my 11 yo DS do this just yet.

Quite a lot of her fiends are already allowed out to catch the bus into town, and many of them have ‘when it gets dark’ curfews. DD says she feels like the odd one out. confused.

This is how I treat DD and how I was brought up. At 13 my DD travels to her grandparents by train 2 hours away. We make agreements with each other, where she checks in and sticks to curfew.

There is no hard and fast rule but I do think it very important for a child’s development that they are not under the constant eyes of their parents. It is an adjustment and your idea of spending the day at the beach, out of sight, is a good compromise. Take this opportunity and work with her when it comes to granting her more freedom, that does mean she gets her way but it does mean you will listen and compromise where possible.

Everyone is different, even I had to learn to let go and I went backpacking around the world when I was 18. Independence is learnt.

Gradual.
This is too much in one go.

Having said that I wanted dd and friends to go to a local pretty village on a five stop branch line train and the parents thought i was mad! (13 +)

I’m surprised that primary schools haven’t been urging year 6s to practise travelling independently - obviously in Covid times it’s been different. At our primary school, parents were strongly urged to get their children travelling independently - going to school on their own, taking buses on their own, etc.