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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

11 year old and off out with mates

150 replies

Livvielo · 20/08/2021 20:21

DD (11) off to senior school in September, has been asked by her mate (also 11) to catch the train with her to the seaside - also has a theme park there- tomorrow.
DD has not actually been much further than our street, and to the little park just behind our house, where she ‘hangs out’ with friends. She has a 7pm curfew, but I can also see her most of the time from our bedroom window.
We are aware her friends have more freedom than she has.
My partner is all for it and says once she starts seniors, she will probably want to be out and about all the time so why not start now.
Me on the other hand, thinks it’s jumping to the extreme to travel with her mate 30 mins on the train, and end up going wherever she likes without me knowing where she is.
So aibu? Is my partner right?
I guess I’m worried about this next part of her life. And so as not to drip feed- there was an incident in the theme park today, that has been reported in the local news. A fight broke out and reportedly, the park was evacuated. Social media reports state there was a ‘gang with knives.’
This sort of thing has not been reported there before, however I am on edge about it!!

OP posts:

Jennybeans401 · 21/08/2021 09:14

My eldest dd is 10 and I couldn't imagine her doing a train journey with a friend. She's a very young 10 and not streetwise at all. My dn however is the opposite and at 11 could travel on buses and trains.

Each child is different, if you are worried about it then maybe this means you don't feel this would be tight for your dc.

nomoneytreehere · 21/08/2021 09:24

I wouldn't let my 13 year old do that. Train to grandmas, fine. Dropped off and collected from theme park, fine. But what you are describing is too much freedom for a child that hasn't had any and therefore isn't streetwise.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/08/2021 09:41

I was going to say she's lying, but maybe she needs different friends.

This is something to think about. If her friends are genuinely being let loose to hang around Adventure Island and places like it, 30 miles from home, until dark, at the age of 11...it won't be long before they start getting into trouble. And what sort of family would find any of that normal? Are they going to notice or care or deal with it?

NatashaRf · 21/08/2021 09:49

My DC aren't old enough for me to give a valid opinion.

But as for the theme park - I know yesterday's news will be a worry - but I'd say today is perhaps the safest day to go in that respect as security will be very heightened for a while now.

AwFeebs · 21/08/2021 09:57

My DD is the same age also going up to high school. I feel the same as you, it's a bit much.

Princessdebthe1st · 21/08/2021 10:07

Dear OP,
I don’t think I would be happy for my 11 year old to go to Southend without some adult oversight (I live not far from you a train ride from Southend). I was going to say that I thought she should have been working up to more freedom for a while now but then I reflected on the impact COVID would have had on the normal opportunities for this that come up when you are 9/10/11. School was shut for long periods so fewer chances to walk to school alone, lots of activities where you could drop them off and leave then return for them (swimming pool for example?) were closed and we are all likely to have been more anxious about the outside world generally so reluctant to give our kids some of the freedoms they would ordinarily have had. She will need to build up to that freedom so that she develops the skills to know how to cope if things don’t go as expected.

My DD is nearly 15 now but pre-lockdown (when she was 12/13) I took her and her friends to Adventure Island (the theme park at Southend for those of you who don’t live near by) and sat upstairs in the cafe. They came and found me if they needed anything (usually food!) but otherwise I left them to it. Theme parks generally are really good places to practice this kind of independence within a structured environment.

zingally · 21/08/2021 10:55

It would be a no from me as well. She's still technically a primary school child until the first day of term.

It's a big leap from "park you can see from the window" to "full day out at theme park via public transport".

My parents were pretty easy going, but I feel like I'd have been at least 14 before I'd have been allowed to do something like that.

Beachhutsandsand · 21/08/2021 12:57

Absolutely not.

tegannotsovegan · 21/08/2021 13:27

It may have been because I was an anxious child anyway, but my first time going on a bus by myself was terrifying. I was 12, and travelled from my house to town which was no more than 30 minutes and I had been in town before. But I got lost and ended up crying on the bus for ages.

I really wouldn’t be comfortable with it if it were my child.

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 21/08/2021 14:03

Reading about Southend, I actually don’t think I’d let my 13 year old there alone and I’d be dubious about letting my 16 year old ( though I would, she is old enough, but I think I’d still be worried).

The seaside town that I mentioned up thread that dd2 13 has just started getting the train to is on the Dorset coast and generally quite a safe place. So feels less risky. Still wouldn’t be allowed at 11 though.

Marni83 · 21/08/2021 14:13

7pm curfew??!!!

My 11 is having a shower then and getting in to his pjs. In summer hols, In bed at 8, light off 8.45.

I allow my sensible 11 year old out with friends to our local climbing rock park and then walk back. 4 hours maximum. And during the day. No later than 5pm back.

randomlyLostInWales · 21/08/2021 14:14

So we do have some catching up to do! We have said we will allow her to go to the high street (15 mins walk) as she starts to gain some independence. I have dropped her to the high street a few times to meet a friend for lunch whilst I’ve done some shopping. But we will allow her to go there with a friend now and go from there.

Good plan - I think covid delayed DD2 doing similar till after 12 but she started with futher away parks then going into town.

DH and I different parts of the country started doing buses/trains to nearest town/cities around 11/12 just pre mobiles being common so seems about right - it's taken DD1 to late 15 to go to nearby city with friends on train - first time she asked.

lazylinguist · 21/08/2021 14:27

11?! No way. I wouldn't let my 13yo do that tbh.

Original poster

Livvielo · 21/08/2021 14:28

@Marni83

7pm curfew??!!!

My 11 is having a shower then and getting in to his pjs. In summer hols, In bed at 8, light off 8.45.

I allow my sensible 11 year old out with friends to our local climbing rock park and then walk back. 4 hours maximum. And during the day. No later than 5pm back.

Only since the summer hols, usually wouldn’t be so late!

OP posts:

Original poster

Livvielo · 21/08/2021 14:30

Well luckily as it’s pouring down with rain here in Essex, she didn’t protest too much at the new plan.
she is currently at our local high street, where she has walked with 2 friends, having lunch and a walk round the shops. So first steps to a bit more freedom are underway!

OP posts:

Marni83 · 21/08/2021 14:31

That is in the summer holidays!

Term time lights off by 8.30 absolute latest

Marni83 · 21/08/2021 14:32

And home from park by 5pm latest

Marni83 · 21/08/2021 14:32

2 days a week!

BitterTits · 21/08/2021 14:59

No way. My DD 11 goes around the village her primary school is in for a few hours but that's all so far. I imagine next year she'll be wanting to head into the small town where we live. We live on a coastal railway line but she won't be going to the next town along for a couple of years yet.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 21/08/2021 17:26

Glad you said no, my dd is 15yo and this is the first summer I've considered she might be old enough to go to a local seaside town on the train with her mates!

MrsSwears2Much · 21/08/2021 20:10

Definitely not. My son is 11 and he is only allowed to the park, a 15min walk away, with his friends. 30mins away on the train is far too far. It would take too long to reach your DD if there was an incident.

AngelPrint · 21/08/2021 20:16

No chance at that age!!!
After a recent sexual assault on a poor teen girl on a train near me I’d not be very happy with DD(15) doing it now either.

My honest advice is…. they will always ask for more and more freedom with each passing year. If you allow this now what’s next.

icelollycraving · 21/08/2021 20:21

Not a chance at 11. A bit more freedom perhaps but not that much, too much of a leap.

Original poster

Livvielo · 21/08/2021 20:35

She survived her trip to the high street and back. Although she told me she got whistled at by some older boys and she ignored them.
Regarding the train issue, I think the reason some of her friends already travel by train alone, is because they are going to school in Southend come September (grammar) so it seems their parents have started to let them do the trip to prepare them for school. Also here it’s the norm way that we travel about. We are more likely to get trains here than buses as it’s just easier.
But my DD is going to school locally and doesn’t have any need to be catching trains alone yet! She understands our reasons now as we spoke to her properly about it and asked ‘what would you do in x y z situation’ and she didn’t have an answer- to which we said that’s fine, we don’t expect you to know these things but you will get there in time- slowly! She’s thrilled she got to walk to the high street and back. Was very sensible and we set up the find my friends app on the phone! Thanks again all

OP posts:

LittleMG · 21/08/2021 21:07

I know where you mean op no way would I
Let my 11 yr old there on her own. Trust your instincts.

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