Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really bad form?

229 replies

Window1 · 18/08/2021 15:20

My friend has gone abroad for a long weekend with a group of other friends.

The hosting accommodation had offered them a few extra days at a reduced cost due to last minute availability.

My friend is the only one that cannot afford to do this both in time and money.

All the others are talking about how they are all up for staying on, seemingly only concerned with themselves and not any regard for my friend and the fact that her transport is with them so would have to make entirely new and additional cost arrangements to get home alone.

That's bad form isn't it? I would have expected an all for one type situation where either they all stay, or they all go.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 19/08/2021 20:50

And take it on a ferry back to England?! I don’t think you can. The ferry is booked with specific car registrations for security reasons etc.

No. To the ferry.

How would you feel if a friend took you somewhere far away with limited and expensive public transport options, on the understanding you’ll be returning together. Then she decides she’d rather do something other than bring you home?

‘A friend took’ me? I’m not a child or a dog. Adults should be independent. Things happen abroad, plans change, you always need extra cash for unexpected events.

If I were away with a group of people and they were offered a change to stay for a few more days I most certainly not expect them to decline on my account.

TatianaBis · 19/08/2021 20:54

I think this has been the most striking thing from the responses, is how many people wouldn't bat an eyelid at dropping their friends to suit themselves.

The striking thing to me is how many people would be so self-centred and entitled as to think it was their due to prevent a group of friends from enjoying themselves. It would genuinely never occur to me.

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/08/2021 20:59

I see it’s been resolved but just to offer another perspective - it depends on the size of the group!
4 people yes all or none.
6 or more people no issue esp since you won’t be equally close to every single person in the group.
What’s happened is the best outcome

Badgercity · 19/08/2021 21:03

@TatianaBis

And take it on a ferry back to England?! I don’t think you can. The ferry is booked with specific car registrations for security reasons etc.

No. To the ferry.

How would you feel if a friend took you somewhere far away with limited and expensive public transport options, on the understanding you’ll be returning together. Then she decides she’d rather do something other than bring you home?

‘A friend took’ me? I’m not a child or a dog. Adults should be independent. Things happen abroad, plans change, you always need extra cash for unexpected events.

If I were away with a group of people and they were offered a change to stay for a few more days I most certainly not expect them to decline on my account.

You’ve seriously never been taken anywhere by another adult? Or taken another adult anywhere?

I took my Nan shopping in another town last week. She’s an adult and not frail or infirm but would it be ok for me to say “sorry nan, I’ve decided to go to the cinema while I’m here - get the bus home”? - no, because I’m not a dick.

Anniemas · 19/08/2021 21:04

How do you know OP can't drive?!
A group driving abroad don't usually travel in individual cars

Brimorion · 19/08/2021 21:06

@TatianaBis

I think this has been the most striking thing from the responses, is how many people wouldn't bat an eyelid at dropping their friends to suit themselves.

The striking thing to me is how many people would be so self-centred and entitled as to think it was their due to prevent a group of friends from enjoying themselves. It would genuinely never occur to me.

I agree with this. I’m a non-driver and once had to get home to Leicestershire solo from a group holiday in the Gers (right down in southwest France near the Spanish border).
Original poster
Window1 · 19/08/2021 21:06

@TatianaBis

I think this has been the most striking thing from the responses, is how many people wouldn't bat an eyelid at dropping their friends to suit themselves.

The striking thing to me is how many people would be so self-centred and entitled as to think it was their due to prevent a group of friends from enjoying themselves. It would genuinely never occur to me.

How dare they expect to go on a pre planned group trip on two vehicles and have the audacity to believe the plans would be followed through with them all going and coming back in the same cars. Madness!
OP posts:
Doodlebug71 · 19/08/2021 21:07

@TatianaBis

I think this has been the most striking thing from the responses, is how many people wouldn't bat an eyelid at dropping their friends to suit themselves.

The striking thing to me is how many people would be so self-centred and entitled as to think it was their due to prevent a group of friends from enjoying themselves. It would genuinely never occur to me.

@TatianaBis: your response is appalling. Gaslighting. You really think it's acceptable to drop a friend in the shit to suit yourself?
Doodlebug71 · 19/08/2021 21:14

@Brimorion agree with this. I’m a non-driver and once had to get home to Leicestershire solo from a group holiday in the Gers (right down in southwest France near the Spanish border).

That's not near the border. It's a good 2-3 hour's drive away. Bayonne or Biriatou are near the border. I think more context is needed for your solo return. If your friends left you to get home from there, they are not friends.

TatianaBis · 19/08/2021 21:21

How dare they expect to go on a pre planned group trip on two vehicles and have the audacity to believe the plans would be followed through with them all going and coming back in the same cars. Madness!

Plans changed. I’m not going to hold a gun to my friends’s heads and say ‘give up this offer, you have to stick to the original plan because I will be majorly inconvenienced if you don’t’.

TatianaBis · 19/08/2021 21:21

Plans change that should say.

Jacopone · 19/08/2021 21:21

To those who interpret this situation as one person inconveniencing the group - what is your understanding of friendship? Commitment? Obligation? Team agreement?
The group set on the trip on the basis of being interdependent. A single person benefited from the low cost based on group sharing, benefited from the company of others, help of others. They all made an agreement, if only a verbal one. Obligation to others is an important aspect of life - work or leisure. Of course, one needs to be prepared for the unexpected emergencies but it was not the case.
I reckon this was a group of young uni friends. And precisely the situation to learn trust, commitment, mutual understanding, compromise, compassion.

TatianaBis · 19/08/2021 21:22

@Doodlebug71 do you know what gaslighting actually means?

Brimorion · 19/08/2021 21:24

[quote Doodlebug71]**@Brimorion* agree with this. I’m a non-driver and once had to get home to Leicestershire solo from a group holiday in the Gers (right down in southwest France near the Spanish border).*

That's not near the border. It's a good 2-3 hour's drive away. Bayonne or Biriatou are near the border. I think more context is needed for your solo return. If your friends left you to get home from there, they are not friends.[/quote]
In the context of France as a whole — and Gers not being a particularly well-known département outside of France — ‘southwest France, close to the Spanish border’ isn’t actually inaccurate to describe a gîte nearish to Tarbes, but thank you for the geography lesson. Hmm

Brimorion · 19/08/2021 21:25

And we’re still very good friends ten years later.

Macncheeseballs · 19/08/2021 21:26

I would try and make my own way home

Mmicro · 19/08/2021 21:27

Some of the selfish people on this thread need to give their heads a wobble.
Of course it’s not unreasonable to not want to change plans if you have to get back for work! The friends are completely out of order for putting her in that position.

TatianaBis · 19/08/2021 21:31

@Jacopone

Did they make an agreement or did they just book a holiday and transport?

Life is fluid and plans can change. In this case they did. Then you negotiate the new circumstances. Who wants to stay and take up the offer, who wants to go home.

So they’ve sorted it out into x group stays y group goes home. Fine.
But if everyone wanted to stay I don’t see why OP can’t get herself home.

FortunesFave · 19/08/2021 21:35

Awful behaviour. I would never ditch a friend like this. Not ever. If I were in a group and was part of those wanting to stay, I would suggest we all chipped in to help the friend who was leaving earlier.

TatianaBis · 19/08/2021 21:38

We don’t know they haven’t offered friend assistance in getting home. The discussion was obviously not finished when OP posted on here.

Doodlebug71 · 19/08/2021 21:40

@Window1 How dare they expect to go on a pre planned group trip on two vehicles and have the audacity to believe the plans would be followed through with them all going and coming back in the same cars. Madness!

That. How very dare they...

Crazycrazylady · 19/08/2021 21:42

I dunno. I think I'd feel really bad making 6 of my friends drive me back and miss an nice opportunity just because I didn't suit me.. I think if it was so important I travel back id have insisted on driving myself.

Doodlebug71 · 19/08/2021 21:49

@Brimorion. In the context of France as a whole — and Gers not being a particularly well-known département outside of France — ‘southwest France, close to the Spanish border’ isn’t actually inaccurate to describe a gîte nearish to Tarbes, but thank you for the geography lesson. hmm

I checked the map, because I know how far south Gers is. It's not close to the border at all. Tarbes is in Gascon, not Gers. You do need the geography lesson. Tarbes is another hour south. I know where these places are. Don't be blaming *me for your own ignorance.

Doodlebug71 · 19/08/2021 21:52

@Crazycrazylady

I dunno. I think I'd feel really bad making 6 of my friends drive me back and miss an nice opportunity just because I didn't suit me.. I think if it was so important I travel back id have insisted on driving myself.
Gaslighting. They planned a holiday. You are one of *those people.
mathanxiety · 19/08/2021 21:53

It's a bit rude to change plans and leave someone on the lurch.

However, it's incredibly immature and irresponsible to agree to a holiday you can barely afford and head off in a car, assuming the driver will be able to get you back on time.

What was the plan if one or both cars had engine trouble? What if a driver fell ill?

This should be a lesson to the friend. You need to have enough funds available to stay longer or to get yourself home when you go on holiday.