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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really bad form?

229 replies

Window1 · 18/08/2021 15:20

My friend has gone abroad for a long weekend with a group of other friends.

The hosting accommodation had offered them a few extra days at a reduced cost due to last minute availability.

My friend is the only one that cannot afford to do this both in time and money.

All the others are talking about how they are all up for staying on, seemingly only concerned with themselves and not any regard for my friend and the fact that her transport is with them so would have to make entirely new and additional cost arrangements to get home alone.

That's bad form isn't it? I would have expected an all for one type situation where either they all stay, or they all go.

OP posts:
JanisJ · 18/08/2021 16:13

How many of them are there? Maybe they'd all happily chip in for a plane ticket if it means they get to stay.

Brefugee · 18/08/2021 16:13

It's quite shitty of them. Assuming she has chipped in for petrol / ferry, she should ask for her contribution to the return part back and try to make her own way home

SchrodingersImmigrant · 18/08/2021 16:16

I take the unwillingness to answer whether the friend actually told the group they can't afford it bit Hmm

Watermelon221 · 18/08/2021 16:24

I can’t believe how many people think the friends are being reasonable! It wouldn’t be so bad if it was the uk as presumably they could drop her at a station or something.

But to be left stranded abroad by friends is really shitty behaviour.

I’ve experienced similar on nights out where plans were made and then changed and having to go along with new plans I didn’t want to do because I was reliant on them to get home. Since then generally I’ve always preferred to sort myself out transport-wise to avoid this sort of problem.

onelittlefrog · 18/08/2021 16:27

Yes it's rubbish behaviour from so-called friends.

You'll just have to fork out for your transport home.

The lesson is don't rely on your "friends" for transport unless you know they are actually friends.

Madcats · 18/08/2021 16:29

I can see both sides here.

If the others have no need to get home and have been invited to stay on for very little extra money I think that I would be tempted to stay. It sounds as if it works fine for 6 or 7 people, but not your friend.

It's a bit tough for your friend, but surely there must be some sort of public transport available/taxi to a train/coach station or airport? Try looking on "Rome to Rio".

Original poster
Window1 · 18/08/2021 16:29

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I take the unwillingness to answer whether the friend actually told the group they can't afford it bit Hmm
I'm not too sure about the detail of conversation. Whether she just said no, I can't stay, can't afford it, can't get time off work or all those things.
OP posts:
Bollindger · 18/08/2021 16:29

I think your friend needs to call her boss, explain that her transport is with the group, that she can't get back, and is not trying to mess her boss around, and hopes they can understand this is totally out of her control and she can't find a way round it other than to stay and wait for her ride home, and that she is willing to do extra cover when she returns home,
She will then find out how good her boss is, because while I would be cross, as her boss I would help her sort cover,

BluebellsGreenbells · 18/08/2021 16:31

What will she do if she’s tests positive for covid and has to isolate prior to return? That’s expensive and additional time off work.

She needs to work out her options to return home. One of those things unfortunately.

WimpoleHat · 18/08/2021 16:33

I don’t know. If she’s gone in someone else’s car, then she’s basically dependent on the goodwill/circumstances of the driver. And that’s implicit in the arrangement. It would be kind if someone were to drive her to the airport/station, but she’s an adult and responsible for herself really.

Bluntness100 · 18/08/2021 16:34

I think you don’t have enough info to ask people to judge never mind you Judging

I think it’s fine for the group to stay on, it’s fine for her to make her way back on her own, she’s an adult not a child waiting for mum and dad to take her home. If she can’t afford the journey back she needs to explain that to the group, they will not assume she’s that skint.

Bluntness100 · 18/08/2021 16:35

@Bollindger

I think your friend needs to call her boss, explain that her transport is with the group, that she can't get back, and is not trying to mess her boss around, and hopes they can understand this is totally out of her control and she can't find a way round it other than to stay and wait for her ride home, and that she is willing to do extra cover when she returns home, She will then find out how good her boss is, because while I would be cross, as her boss I would help her sort cover,
That’s not going to help as she can’t afford to stay on either.
Bluetrews25 · 18/08/2021 16:40

Is she the only one who has a job that she needs to get back to?

Original poster
Window1 · 18/08/2021 16:41

I accept that I don't have all the details but I just feel like if I was away with friends, I would expect us all to stick together as planned. I wouldn't leave anyone to sort themselves out in this way if we had come on a trip as a group. That's just my view, although I do realise we all think in different ways as we are reminded with the varying responses we see on this site.

I'd also have to think about my future friendship with these girls if they did choose to stay, even though in some of the replies others would seemingly just get on with it.

OP posts:
mustlovegin · 18/08/2021 16:42

Bad form, yes

AryaStarkWolf · 18/08/2021 16:43

I think if they want to stay on they should at the very least ensure that your friend has a way to get back to the airport

idontknowwhyibother · 18/08/2021 16:44

Hardly bad form if she's not told them she's stuck with no money and needs to go home. Hmm you can't make judgement with half a story ffs.

Hemingwaycat · 18/08/2021 16:45

I can see both sides too.

All of her friends can stay so she’s the only one who can’t. If it were a case of most of the friends not being able to stay and only one or two wanting to then I’d say the ones wanting to stay were being unreasonable but it isn’t, your friend is the only one who can’t stay.

I can understand why she can’t stay, she has to get back to work and doesn’t have the extra money to stay longer. I do think she’s ultimately being unreasonable expecting all of her friends not to do something they want to do just to appease her though. She’s going to have to find another way home, either way she’ll have extra costs.

Nocutenamesleft · 18/08/2021 16:47

@Watermelon221

I can’t believe how many people think the friends are being reasonable! It wouldn’t be so bad if it was the uk as presumably they could drop her at a station or something.

But to be left stranded abroad by friends is really shitty behaviour.

I’ve experienced similar on nights out where plans were made and then changed and having to go along with new plans I didn’t want to do because I was reliant on them to get home. Since then generally I’ve always preferred to sort myself out transport-wise to avoid this sort of problem.

Agreed!!
godmum56 · 18/08/2021 16:48

Difficult... and I know this isn't an answer but i think I wouldn't have put myself into someone else's hands in the first place. Yes I think if she can afford to stay on but not to journey home then choice one would be to phone the boss. I do think its a bit mean of the group to just not care about her, if that's the case but equally a bit hard on them not to enjoy such a good offer setting aside the work time thing, will it cost less to stay on than to travel home alone?

MangosteenSoda · 18/08/2021 16:52

I’m surprised at the comments about the car. I’ve been away in groups of 4 to 8 people many times and we have only ever taken 1 or 2 cars and shared the costs.

Unless there are only 3 people in the group, your friend isn’t the only one travelling in someone else’s car. Everyone is benefiting from reduced fuel and ferry costs, it’s not a case of her bumming a lift, it’s part of the holiday planning.

What have the others said to her? If they want to stay, I’d expect them to proactively be part of the solution. At least, that’s what my friends would do.

LynetteScavo · 18/08/2021 16:53

It's bad form of them not to drive her to the airport and back if they want to stay (and ask her to pay for the petrol). That's what real friends would do.

IntermittentParps · 18/08/2021 17:08

Hmm well I guess on the flip side why should they miss out because of your friend?
They're not 'missing out'; they're on the holiday they planned and expected. It would be a bonus to stay longer, yes, but that's not the same thing.

I also don't understand why people travel with no extra money on them in case of emergencies or unexpected situations. If you can just barely afford to travel and rely a lot on others to make your travel plans happen, I wouldn't say you can actually afford to travel.
It's not just money, is it, it's time/work.

I think it's poor form considering there's no easy way around it transport-wise. It'd be kinder for them not to be discussing it and making your friend feel like she's the spanner in the works.

honeybuns007 · 18/08/2021 17:08

@judgejudyrocks

Nah, she's an adult, she can catch a train presumably? You can't expect everyone else to turn this offer down just because she doesn't drive!
and what if she can't afford the train. They made a plan as a group. If they now want to change the plans they have a responsibility to ensure the person they are now abandoning can get home. I can't believe anyone thinks anything but this. If you all planned to go to a simple hotel and then once there everyone else decided to up sticks and go to a 7* place across town that you couldn't afford, would you think that was your problem and not theirs? If you all planned to go to London in one car for a night out and then everyone decided to go to a spa and stay the night in a posh hotel would it be your problem to get home? If people pull the carpet out from plans, they bear responsibility
aerosocks · 18/08/2021 17:09

Just goes to show that people really do look after Number One.