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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if your partner helps you..?

131 replies

Supermum29 · 18/08/2021 10:48

Just that really.

If you have a partner that you live with do you equally share jobs around the house, with kids or pets?

I’ve just taken the food shop delivery and I got up this morning to take the dog out. It’s nearly 11am and my partner is still upstairs in bed. This is an almost daily occurrence despite my many plea’s for help…. Now I’m wondering if my expectations are just u reasonable…. So enlighten me, do you do most/all of the work or do you share the load as equally as work/commitments allow?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 18/08/2021 10:51

My husband does more than I do around the house

Your partner isn’t acting like a partner; he’s acting like you’re his housekeeper. He’s never going to change as you’ve asked him to do his fair share (he’s not helping you because it’s not your job, it’s a shared responsibility)

Don’t put up with this shit

Doomscrolling · 18/08/2021 10:53

He doesn’t “help” me, because it’s not my job.

He - and the children to age-appropriate levels - mucks in with housework, food prep, pet care etc because that’s what family life involves.

Keke94LND · 18/08/2021 10:54

I live with my boyfriend, don't have kids or pets but he does more than I do honestly, he cuts the grass, takes the bins out, cleans, tidies, organises all without being asked.. if anything, he often has to ask me to take the bins out or do this or that (I'm a little bit scatty but I try my best)

What's the dynamic with your partners parents? Does his mum do everything?

MeadowHay · 18/08/2021 10:54

We split things pretty evenly, but I would say I do most of the 'mental load' stuff though which does grind my gears and gets me resentful sometimes. However am always shocked to hear things like your OP, no way would my partner behave like that and no way I would I tolerate it if he gave it a go.

CabbagesGreen · 18/08/2021 10:56

Are they his kids? Do you both work?

My husband and I share the housework and the care of our joint DC. Allowance is made for me being part time so I do a bit more. He does most the housework for my DSC.

Debetswell · 18/08/2021 10:56

Open all the windows in the bedroom and start vacuuming the carpet every time.
And let the dog jump on him too.
My dh would never dream of pulling that lazy stroke!

CabbagesGreen · 18/08/2021 10:56

I usually end up doing most the organising and mental load which I am trying to stop doing. But it's very frustrating that I have to point out what needs doing.

thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 18/08/2021 10:57

@Doomscrolling

He doesn’t “help” me, because it’s not my job.

He - and the children to age-appropriate levels - mucks in with housework, food prep, pet care etc because that’s what family life involves.

Agree with this, it's not helping, it's doing his part
Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 18/08/2021 10:57

We share the tasks because we both live in the house. Why is he still in bed ? Is he not working?

Zealois · 18/08/2021 10:58

My partner does an equal amount of jobs for our life, including his share of the mental load. He's not "helping" me though - I am not the default product manager of our home. He lives here and it's his responsibility too.

Biancadelrioisback · 18/08/2021 10:58

Yeah he shouldn't need to help you because the tasks aren't exclusively yours to do.

My DH does his fair share of housework some weeks. Sometimes he does more, sometimes less. Same as me. There are some jobs which we have divided up, so I do the washing and he does the cooking, but that's because we enjoy those tasks and are good at them. I am capable and will cook from time to time, just like he is capable and will do washing.

If he tried to do something around the house and said it was to 'help' me, I'd be furious.

beingsunny · 18/08/2021 10:58

No he doesn't, he doesn't do anything except occasionally take the bins out. He doesn't support me in any way except begrudgingly pay half the rent which he has pointed out recently is overpaying as my son lives with us and has his own bedroom, he doesn't pay towards the bills, anything that needs replacing in the house or the extra electric bills that come over winter.

I'm right now taking to my friends to gain the strength tomorrow to ask him to leave.

FuckingFlumps · 18/08/2021 10:58

No he doesn't help me because if he was helping that would imply it was my job and he's lending me a hand.

He actually probably does more around the house than I do and he's very hands on with DS. He's not a superhero or anything special though in fact I imagine he's not at all unusual in doing so as both the house and childcare are our joint responsibilities.

beingsunny · 18/08/2021 10:59

Sorry, I need to start my own thread,
But no, it shouldn't be deemed help as it's a shared responsibility it's just pulling his weight.

isthisareverse · 18/08/2021 11:01

If moving in with someone doesn't mean reducing your own chores by half, because you split more or less equally, it's just very wrong.

Things obviously need to be adapted if one works less than the other, especially with kids, but you both live there. Both share.

Rannva · 18/08/2021 11:03

We share the running of the house. We both cook, both clean, both arrange childrens' admin and appointments and take them out and both are involved with planning holidays, trips etc. He does more house maintenance, though I just painted a room, and we both book tradesmen and take ownership of the job. We both do drop-offs and pick-up for school, too.

Some men are really shit at all of these and think a wife is just a housekeeper, maid, cook and nanny.

CabbagesGreen · 18/08/2021 11:04

Maybe start telling him you've helped him everytime you do something?

Justcallmebebes · 18/08/2021 11:04

Again, no he doesn't "help" because we're a partnership and we both share a living space. We each equally do our share with a bit of give and take depending on circumstances.

Why is he in bed at 11am? That I wouldn't tolerate at all unless he's working a night shift

TooMuchPaper · 18/08/2021 11:05

What is his response to your pleas for help?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/08/2021 11:06

Yes he does half, probably slightly more as his work is a bit more flexible and he needs less sleep than me

Aprilx · 18/08/2021 11:08

I know it has already been said a few times, but it is so important that you do not see him doing anything around the house, with pets or children as “helping you”. Because in doing so you are tacitly acknowledging that it is your work to do and anything he does is a bonus. Which is not true of course.

So no, I cannot imagine a scenario in which my DH would be lying in bed until 11am whilst I am doing all the housework. Your expectations are not only reasonable, but are possibly not going far enough.

girlmom21 · 18/08/2021 11:09

Am I misreading or are you complaining that you've let the dog out and took the shopping delivery in and he's still in bed? If that's the case, I'm not really sure that you needed any help.

DP has done more than I have for the past year as he's been WFH in a flexible job and I've been in the office. I'm on mat leave now so it'll be more balanced I'd assume.

FiveShelties · 18/08/2021 11:10

We share the housework, we both live here and I cannot understand why it would be considered to be 'my job' and he was 'helping'. I do most of the cooking, he mows the lawns and washes the cars. We are both very fair and just get on with it.

There is not a chance in hell that he would be laid in bed and I was getting the groceries, walking the dog etc.

Stompythedinosaur · 18/08/2021 11:10

He doesn't "help me", he does his share of parenting and being a homeowner.

532LunchB0x · 18/08/2021 11:10

Do you both work ?

We both work FT & we share the chores

We are a team

If you are not happy, live on your own