AIBU to ask if your partner helps you..?

[Supermum29]

Just that really.

If you have a partner that you live with do you equally share jobs around the house, with kids or pets?

I’ve just taken the food shop delivery and I got up this morning to take the dog out. It’s nearly 11am and my partner is still upstairs in bed. This is an almost daily occurrence despite my many plea’s for help…. Now I’m wondering if my expectations are just u reasonable…. So enlighten me, do you do most/all of the work or do you share the load as equally as work/commitments allow?

Agree with those that pointed out that he isn't "helping" me as it's his house/kids too. Does he pull his weight and do his share, absolutely.

My partner is amazing and very supportive of me, if he's having a lie in I don't moan as sometimes I like a lie in and he'll sort out baby, it's team work really.. I do more because I'm on maternity leave but I am lucky with the help he gives me , he wants to support me and that's the main thing for me.. if I'm sorting baby, he'll cook tea.. or the other way round .

If he lived alone how would he cope? Would he live in his own filth, or get his Mum to do his washing?
YABU to call it help. Tell him he's a grown adult and he has to act like one, not treat you like a maid. If he doesn't shape up then end it.

We share according to our strengths and preferences. DH drives and I don’t so he does shopping and ferrying DS to school, sports etc. He also does most of the cooking. I do washing/cleaning/ tidying/ DIY. I’d say it’s a pretty even split and when there were 3 DC at home they went to school with him so he did the morning stuff, packed lunch etc. Eldest two are his step DC and he has always done things for them including financially ( apparently a no no on Mumsnet).

My DP helps with everything, when I say thanks for something he tells me that we're a team and it's not down to me to do everything. He WFH and I'm a SAHM but he will still get up in the night if our toddler stirs.

Ok you sound like how i was many years ago with himself . Some men just don't see things that need to be done however i also learned ( because of the way i was brought up) that some things don't need to be done as often as i thought. So we sat down with a lots of what needs to be done and who does it etc. Like someone else said i do some things as am better at them then himself . He is a better cook than me so often does more cooking but we both clean up. I do the washing and ironing . In his defense he does all outside work, we have an acre of grass that has to be cut and he has spent all last weekend cutting hedges. He also is an early riser and is often up doing things in the house while i sleep ( and yes before people jump down on me i sleep till 11am on Saturday and Sundays sometimes). As money situation has improved we have been able to afford a cleaner every two weeks and we take turns who pays - we also do our big shop together. I walk the dog more but that's because i WFH, i sometimes do more in the house as his job is very hard manual labor and i can see he is physically tired. Its not giving you help, you both live in the house and are a team so you both work together, so when you sit and discuss this with him you need to change your wording a bit and get your point across more constructively, if that doesn't work and you have exhausted all options then decide if you stay in this relationship

Did you have any discussions about who would be responsible for the what before you moved in or in the early days of living together ?

Has he ever lived on his own or in a flat share or did he move direct from living at home to sharing with you? How did his parents share household and parenting tasks?

Was that just a form of words or is it possible that somewhere deep down you really think that the responsibility is all yours and are looking for him to help you out?

I think you need a major reset and potentially to split up at least for a time.

Having read your update about how he treats his mother I'd toss him overboard and maybe let him date you and earn his way back into your life on very different terms.

If you ever think it's too much effort, think about what example you are setting your DD. Good luck

@AssassinatedBeauty brilliant idea. I will do that this weekend

@Debetswell

Open all the windows in the bedroom and start vacuuming the carpet every time. And let the dog jump on him too. My dh would never dream of pulling that lazy stroke!

I agree. Every single day. Until he gets the hint.

He sounds absolutely dreadful. Do you need to have him living with you and your kid (who has no choice, sadly)? Can you not just date him if you need to, and keep him and his bad attitude, misogynist views and lazy arse out of your house? What’s the appeal of him?

We have specific household jobs that are our personal responsibility (but they're shared out fairly). My husband only 'helps' if it's one of my jobs and I haven't got it done for whatever reason including if I just need to hide from the world for a day and the same for him.

We balance, it's fair and our daughters see us working as a team to make sure they're OK and we have a reasonable standard of living.

I'm not saying you should leave your partner, but there's no way I'd still be with mine 20 years on if we weren't pulling in the same direction together. It would be physically and emotionally exhausting to be the only person in a household pulling their weight.

Vacuum the carpet every time the misogynist boyfriend opts out of doing anything? Great idea, that’ll really show him 😂 what shite ‘advice’.

We split evenly. No ones helping anyone. You need to get out that mindset. And when you’re doing more than half recognise you’re doing his chores for him.

Personally I’d not stop being at him till he got off his arse and did it.

Well no, he doesn’t help

He takes care of his share of the kids, house and all the other elements of sharing a life (or indeed just living a life) entails.

If you both live in the house then he should participate in cleaning it, if you both own the dog then he should participate in the care for that dog - same with any children you both created together.

Some couples agree that one person does all the cooking and the other does all the gardening or one does all the school runs but the other does the bath times etc.

No one says that all activities have to be 50/50 but there has to be a fair and equal division of both the shitty boring jobs and the fun stuff and the down time.

When one partner picks up all the chores and the other enjoys all the down time then of course it will breed resentment.

Whilst it’s his fault that he’s a lazy selfish prick, it is your fault if you allow him to act this way towards you.

He doesn't help, he just does his share.

He feeds the cats, or I do. He takes the bins out, or I do. I'd be really, really pissed off if he saw it as helping me (with the implication it was actually my job and he was just generously giving up his time).

Have you spoken to him about the fact he treats you like this?

He does more than I do - I often read posts on here about lazy husbands and cringe because they always sound more like me in our relationship. He does sometimes lose it with me though and then I really try and buck my ideas up, and I pull my weight in other ways so we're both pretty happy with the situation, but I do think it's so crucial to voice concerns before they become big resentments and you have big arguments!

I agree it’s not help it’s a joined household with jobs that need doing. We share things: not formally it’s just kind of fell into place. couple of examples: I clean the bathrooms, he does the dusting. I cook mostly so he does the washing up. We both Hoover.
There is only us two so it’s easy to keep on top of everything.

You have a lazy arse who is happy to let you do everything. Stop doing anything related to him… his washing etc.

@Supermum29

Thanks for your replies.

Yes he works shifts but has 4 days off, I’m usually working those 4 days as typically they fall in the week. He will stay in bed until lunch those days (currently we have a weeks annual leave so are both off). I’m my view I’d expect there to be an equal share of the responsibility instead of it just falling on my shoulders all the time.

I do all housework, washing, and cooking and clean the kitchen after cooking and so on. I’m the one always getting up to sort the dog in the morning which I don’t mind on week days because I’d be up to do the school run and get ready for work and if he’s got home late he needs to sleep. What frustrates me is I spend my evenings cooking cleaning washing etc then my weekend is spent doing the rest of the things I haven’t got done in the week if I’ve had to work late, but his 4 days off are spent at his leisure. It’s very unbalanced. We’ve had plenty of conversations where I’ve asked he chip in and do more around the house because it’s not fair to put it all on me. It’s like talking to a brick wall. I just wondered this morning if I was being unreasonable to expect him to pull his weight too, largely because I’m at the point of this relationship won’t work if this is how it will be forever.

I think I’ve just realised we’re very different. I feel like I’m living with a teenager, if I wanted more kids I wouldn’t have stopped at one!!

No sweetheart he doesn’t love you, sorry.

Do you think someone treats the people they love with such little care and regard.

You don’t have children together, time to move on, there is literally zero reason to stay.

He’s making an absolute idiot of you here.

Honestly why would you subject yourself to the humiliation of being little more than a skivvy to a lazy, ignorant, man child?
Is that what you want your life to amount to? Are you that desperate to stay in a relationship that you’ll put up with this level of disrespect?

He needs kicking out!

My DP definitely pulls his weight round the house!

I'm currently on maternity and he works away so he's away working for 2 weeks then home for 2 weeks off.

The two weeks he's away I obviously do everything as he's not here but we usually get the full house cleaned before he's away so there's no extra washing etc to do when he's away.

When he's home we pretty much split everything. Our day starts when the baby wakes up, can be anywhere from 9:30-11:30. If I've been up with the baby during the night he gets up with him so I can stay in bed. Once we're both up, we both take the dogs out with the baby aswell as we enjoy getting out for a walk together. When we get back one of us will watch the baby while the other does housework then we'll swap and the other will watch the baby while one of us makes dinner.

Some days one of us will do more than the other but it overall balances out as about 50/50. If one of us isn't having a good day/feeling great the other will do more so they can relax. We do this for each other though.

If I ever for a second felt that one of us was constantly doing more than the other I would be rethinking the relationship.

Did he live alone before you met him? How was his house then?

Mine does and still holds down a very demanding job. He doesn't really get involved with the pets but no way would he stay in bed until 11am unless he was sick.

I wish he could help more but for a man that works all the hours god sends he does so much.

It’s only “helping” if you both think that these jobs are your responsibility rather than jobs which simply need doing by the people who live in the house. He’s not pulling his weight. It’s not that you both need to do identical activities, but the division of Labour should be fair.

I did everything at home for 20 years as he refused to help AT ALL, including paying the mortgage and all the bills. More foot me, then I hot the menopause and went absolutely MENTAL. It took my rose tinted glasses right off and I chucked him out for good.
Now living a happy independent life and he's jobless in a bedsit.

So what exactly is the appeal of this loser you have brought into your home?🙄

At least you haven't been silly enough to have children with him.

What an awful example you have brought into your home for your children.

How many children do you have besides him?

Your relationship bar must be very low to accept this and to have moved him in.

Kindly, women like you who have such a low bar should not be bringing such wasters into their children's lives.

He clearly wants a house skivvy, and you are it.

Wake up and find some self respect, for your children at least.

They deserve better than this set up.

Dh makes breakfast for everyone, lunch for himself and me, sorts the kids and gets them to school before going to his work. He picks up the kids and does his paperwork. If I'm going to be late he does the tea.

He also does bins, all the diy and practical things, the laundry, mowing the lawn. He does a fair bit of cleaning, hoovering etc.

We discuss mental load things like birthdays and bills and appointments.

How does he treat your 9 year old daughter? Does she like him? How long has he been living with you?