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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if your partner helps you..?

131 replies

Supermum29 · 18/08/2021 10:48

Just that really.

If you have a partner that you live with do you equally share jobs around the house, with kids or pets?

I’ve just taken the food shop delivery and I got up this morning to take the dog out. It’s nearly 11am and my partner is still upstairs in bed. This is an almost daily occurrence despite my many plea’s for help…. Now I’m wondering if my expectations are just u reasonable…. So enlighten me, do you do most/all of the work or do you share the load as equally as work/commitments allow?

OP posts:
Tallisimo · 18/08/2021 13:45

My ex’s lack of contribution to running the house and sharing the load is one of the (many) reasons why he is my ex!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/08/2021 13:48

Well, no. Mine doesn't help.

He work away a lot. He'll be back in a few hours, has been away for a week. When he gets back he won't help me. He will, however, start to do his share of the many jobs around the house.

He will food shop on his way home
He migh vacuum, because he notices that more than I do.
He will empty the diswasher, it will have finsihed by te time he gets back
He will put his own clothes through the washing machine, on the line, in the tumble dryer
He will cook for us both

I will still be working
I may do some more painting
I will take the dog for a walk etc

And tomorrow he will go back off for another week or so..

He never helps...

Yours is a laxzy twat whose interactions with his mother clearly shows you how he see you, your place in his life!

Mulberry974 · 18/08/2021 13:51

I live alone now but my ex did more laundry than me, we shared cooking and cleaning and gardening, I did more paperwork. It isn't your job to do everything in the house your partner is an adult and should do his share.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 18/08/2021 13:54

My husband doesn’t ‘help me’ around the house as it’s not my job to look after the house and children. He’s an adult and acts as such.
You’ve not got a partner

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 18/08/2021 13:55

Is this the life you would want for your daughter? This is what she is seeing every day. My DH probably does more than me but i know we have equal leisure time iykwim

Cheeriosaddict · 18/08/2021 14:02

If this is really about housework then perhaps he could pay for a cleaner to cover his half of the chores. He has shown he will not change.
But its not really about the housework, is it? It's about his entitled attitude and the lack of respect he shows you. If he won't "help" when you are ill do you really think he will, for example, care for you when you are both elderly? Or if you were incapable of doing the household chores, would he stick around?
Little people learn from watching us. Your dc is watching this in her home.

To answer your ques, equal split although we "prefer" some chores so I do laundry, cleaning etc and DP cooks, irons, tidies. It evens out. Neither of us sit down so I dunno how you manage with just one person doing the chores.

Good luck op.

Antinerak · 18/08/2021 14:04

Our housework is probably 80/20 because he works and I don't. That doesn't stop him from picking up after himself, doing jobs when he notices they need doing etc. He doesn't ask if something needs to be done, he just does it. I've never felt like I'm asking a teenager to tidy their room with him because he's a comptetent adult, not a selfish child.

DelphineMarineaux · 18/08/2021 14:06

No, my husband and I don't share household chores equally, but we do have a fair division in terms of running a family and home. He works a lot more hours than I do and pays all of the bills, and I take care of the house and the kids. We do hire help, though, and when my husband is at home he gets stuck in in whatever needs doing.

Singinghollybob · 18/08/2021 14:10

Why would you think you are being unreasonable to want him to pull his weight?
Do you really see the chores as your sole responsibility
My husband doesn't help me because it's not my job, we both do our fair share.

Gimlisaxe · 18/08/2021 14:22

I do more, but thats because I am home, but tbf when he is here, he does his fair share.

Although he did come out with the classic, I am tired of always being the one to decide what to have for dinner.

He has done it for a fucking month. What the hell does he think I do for the rest of the time. He got put right, but it has been a tough couple of months for us

AegonT · 18/08/2021 14:51

My husband does the cooking (except my lunch in the week) and cleaning (but my older daughter and I tidy up after ourselves). Usually I do the laundry but since we have a baby he's been doing a bit of that too when I'm feeding the baby. I do most of the admin and since I've been on maternity leave I do all the school runs. Cat care is 50/50. One of us doesn't "help" the other - we just do our share of running the house.

aerosocks · 18/08/2021 15:02

YABU to call it 'helping' because it isn't.

It is not your job to run the household single-handed, where he 'helps' ever so often. You both live there, you are both equally responsible for all chores and tasks.

Until you change your mindset, he is not going to change either.

OhCobblers · 18/08/2021 15:03

[quote Supermum29]@AssassinatedBeauty brilliant idea. I will do that this weekend Smile[/quote]
Honestly why bother doing this OP?
He knows you do it all and he doesn't care and you haven't stopped doing it all for him. The financial side is irrelevant, it's about the fact that he can't be bothered to do his fair share because he's a selfish arse. I absolutely could not love someone who behaved that way toward me.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 18/08/2021 15:09

It's 10am here. This morning I have

  • walked the dogs
  • made DS (2) his breakfast
  • made DS his packed lunch
  • made my breakfast
  • done half the washing up
  • taken DS to daycare (15 minute walk each way)

DH has:

  • Got DS up and dressed
  • fed the dogs
  • unloaded the dishwasher
  • done the other half of the washing up
  • made his breakfast
  • brushed DS's teeth and persuaded him to put his socks and shoes on

It's an even split I think, with some give and take for when one of us has a particularly busy day. DH is swamped today, so I'll walk the dogs at lunch time and do a quick run to the shops. We'll each get our own lunch.

We're both full time WFH at the moment.

Meeklynamechanged · 18/08/2021 15:35

Mine isn't perfect by a long shot but he does a good share of things around the house and with/for the kids. I haven't had to empty a bin in years.

Your partner is being incredibly lazy

NewFlav · 18/08/2021 16:23

We split household duties and childcare 50/50. DH works full time and I've reduced my hours to part time because I wasn't coping with my mental health so he definitely does more than me.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 18/08/2021 19:09

[quote Supermum29]@AssassinatedBeauty brilliant idea. I will do that this weekend Smile[/quote]
You should do it as a grid with ALL the chores /tasks down one side and 2 columns headed with your names. Then tick all the ones you do and all the ones he does (doesn't) it will be plain to see then. The best way is to ask which ones he'd like to do from now on.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/08/2021 20:54

My exhusband didn't. Yup, it was a major reason I divorced him. Selfish, thoughtless, sexist. I'm flabbergasted how much happier I am now he's left.

Notmoresugar · 18/08/2021 21:14

My DH does an awful lot (he probably does more than I do).

HalfCakeHalfBiscuit · 18/08/2021 21:40

We split stuff pretty much evenly. Occasionally we grumble when one feels they are doing more than the other. But that is life. We also both work and appreciate when work is busy so one or the other of use steps up and does more.

It's a partnership and we both bring something to it

Toria1586 · 18/08/2021 22:01

Spent 15 years with ex-husband doing nothing, no housework or childcare or cooking. Staying up till 3 am gaming then in bed till mid morning. Current boyfriend doesn’t live with me but stays a couple of nights a week - he comes straight from work. Soon as he is in and showered he goes and plays with the kids while I make dinner. When we’ve eaten he washes up (categorically won’t let me do it as i cooked). Then whilst I bath the kids he tidied up their toys in the living room so when they’re in bed we have a calm tidy place to relax together for a few hours! Blows my mind that he does all this without being asked. No you’re not being unreasonable at all

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 18/08/2021 22:04

No he literally does absolutely fuck all and it's got worse (if that was possible) because I'm off on maternity leave. It's wearing me down. 3 kids, one dog, I'll be back at work full time, working longer hours than him, and I'll still be left with it all.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 18/08/2021 22:05

And right now I honestly don't know why I'm still with him, so please don't ask. If I'm honest probably because I can't afford to be alone.

billy1966 · 19/08/2021 07:52

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

And right now I honestly don't know why I'm still with him, so please don't ask. If I'm honest probably because I can't afford to be alone.
God love you.

What can you change?

Is he paid well?
Can you get a cleaner?

Have you family to help?

Is he abusive, that he simply refuses to do his share?

Have you thought of Women's Aid for advice?

You are at huge risk of burn out.Flowers

Naunet · 19/08/2021 08:32

God it’s like feminism never happened. He’s treating you like his personal slave, and you ask if you’re unreasonable to expect him not to?! Seriously? Do you think this is just a woman’s role in life, to serve men? This lazy entitled prick has zero respect for you, he’s a misogynist who thinks that because he was born with a cock, he gets to lord it over women whilst they run around after him. How can you respect and love a man-pig like that?

Stop doing anything for him, don’t cook for him, don’t do his laundry etc. Tell him you’re sick to death of his lack of respect for you and you can’t be attracted to a full grown man who still acts like he needs his mummy. Or better still, kick him out.

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