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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if your partner helps you..?

131 replies

Supermum29 · 18/08/2021 10:48

Just that really.

If you have a partner that you live with do you equally share jobs around the house, with kids or pets?

I’ve just taken the food shop delivery and I got up this morning to take the dog out. It’s nearly 11am and my partner is still upstairs in bed. This is an almost daily occurrence despite my many plea’s for help…. Now I’m wondering if my expectations are just u reasonable…. So enlighten me, do you do most/all of the work or do you share the load as equally as work/commitments allow?

OP posts:
Morechocolatethanbarbara · 18/08/2021 12:40

The good thing is, he's not your husband, he's not the father of your DC, he's certainly not a partner (a partner would do their fair share) so you can just send him packing.

Your life would be easier without him in it, whereas his life would be harder without you picking up after him (unless he goes back to his mum and gets her to be his skivvy again, which would just prove he's a child, not a man).

Get rid, you can do better.

NamechangeApril21 · 18/08/2021 12:42

My DH does all those things you listed. But it's not help, he lives here too.

Serendipity79 · 18/08/2021 12:43

My ex husband was exactly like this and it genuinely boiled down to housework and kids being "mums" responsibility in his eyes. If I "chose" to have a full time job then I had to make that work as well as it was my choice - irrespective of the fact that he was also a low earner and we couldn't have lived on one salary. He treats his second wife in exactly the same way - he learnt nothing from me divorcing him!

I personally hate when people say "but he helps me in the house" because its like these fully functioning, working adults suddenly turn to jelly, lose their memories and the use of most of their limbs when they get home from work, and want a gold medal cos they emptied the kitchen bin?

I'm training my son currently to sort washing out and which wash cycle to use. I was berated by my brother for teaching him "women's work" but then he's a misogynistic pig tbh. And last week my ex MIL (thereby showing where her son learnt everything he knows) told my eldest off because she didnt have her partners tea on the table when he got in from work. For context, she's 6 months pregnant with that horrid sickness thing that you can have, she's lost a ton of weight and she works from home in a virtual call centre 45 hours a week. Luckily my future son in law is not a total pig and cooked tea for both of them when he got home.

These outdated ideas about women being housewives need to be challenged when they don't fit modern life - I refuse to believe that an adult who holds down a job cant also share the household responsibilities equally and/or cant see what needs doing without their partner having to ask or point things out

I much prefer being single now, and training the kids to "help me" :)

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 18/08/2021 12:44

Why does he live with you?

ohthestruggles · 18/08/2021 12:50

My DP does some of the work around the house but he also works pretty long hours. For example he didn't get home until 1am but got up and looked after DS whilst I walked the dog this morning. He empties and takes out the bins, puts on and hangs up the washing and if he's home one of us will look after DS and dog whilst the other makes the dinner. I'd say it's fairly even (as it should be!)

2bazookas · 18/08/2021 12:53

We shared everything from day one of living together.

EL8888 · 18/08/2021 12:55

I put YABU as you frame it as help

When my partner and l started living together l made it clear he wouldn’t “help” me. It’s his joint responsibility, as we work similar hours and l actually often work more hours. We earn a similar amount, for the last 1.5 years l earned a bit more than him

FlorrieLindley · 18/08/2021 12:59

This is no way to live, being a skivvy to this idle sod.

Yes, my husband "helps" - but we see it as him doing his fair share of the workload around the house.

He cooks, takes bins out, will take the hoover round without being asked, does laundry. We've been married nearly 25 years and it's been like this from Day One.

Your partner seems unpleasant, lazy and ungrateful. Why stay with him - life is so short to be treated like this.

ZZGirl · 18/08/2021 13:01

We're pretty equal in the household.
I do all the cooking but then he does the washing up. Everything else is shared really.

GintyMcGinty · 18/08/2021 13:04

We both wfh. We share the housework, shopping, parenting etc. I tend to do most of the gardening and diy stuff and he tends to do most of the ironing.

Sounds like your 'partner' treats you like a housekeeper/maid.

hashbrownsandwich · 18/08/2021 13:06

My husband does more than his fair share but we mustn't tell him that!

nearly4o · 18/08/2021 13:07

Both work full time, husband does more than I do. Recently he decided to buy a vax carpet cleaner and then proceeded to clean all the carpets and mattresses. He is the only one who cleans the bathrooms other than the cleaner and always does laundry etc. As well as DIY and gardening.

But I wouldn't have married someone who wasn't like that. And if I did my accident , I wouldn't have tolerated such behaviour for more than a day.

We are a partnership.

wantmorenow · 18/08/2021 13:08

Honestly I wouldn't bother with explaining it to him. A simple "you're not behaving like a partner who loves me, cares for my well-being and you're not treating me respectfully. Either you start immediately to treat me and this home as though you are my partner rather than a guest or visiting boyfriend by doing at least your fair share of the load or you can leave and find your own place to live".

Assuming it's your place of course. Life is too short to ask for what should be yours as a right.

dressupinyou · 18/08/2021 13:11

He doesn't help because we both live here and share responsibility. He does loads, often more than me as my job is often longer hours and very stressful.

ExConstance · 18/08/2021 13:16

We divide all the housework, gardening, cooking and shopping between us fairly. DH is now semi-retired and only working 2.5 days a week, so he has taken on some extra things that I used to do. When our children were at home we did all the ferrying around etc. 50/50 too and we divide all our pay and savings, plus the few tiny inheritances and pension lump sums between us equally. Having a house and family is a bit like running a small business - an enormous amount of effort and work is needed that you just don't realise when you first set up home. i consider myself very lucky to have celebrated my 37th wedding anniversary with such a lovely person yesterday.

billy1966 · 18/08/2021 13:26

Has he moved into your home?

If he has, you really are a Class A MUG, who has prioritised herself by having a waster move in.

Your poor daughter.

Xiaoxiong · 18/08/2021 13:34

@billy1966

Has he moved into your home?

If he has, you really are a Class A MUG, who has prioritised herself by having a waster move in.

Your poor daughter.

Oh fuck off with the "your poor daughter" bollocks and calling the OP selfish - how would she know before they moved in that he would be like this. I have had roommates and partners who seemed apparently completely functional, financially solvent, put together, organised etc before we moved in together who I then discovered were complete slobs, or expected someone else to do all the chores. Sometimes it took a while for the mask to slip as they started off ok and pulling their weight but over time their true colours showed through.
Ellie56 · 18/08/2021 13:35

YABU. Partners don't "help". They share the workload.

Marriedtothesilverfox · 18/08/2021 13:36

He doesn't help me, they are his dcs, his animals and house too. He more than pulls his weight.

Collidascope · 18/08/2021 13:38

You've already repeatedly explained to him that you want him to pull his weight. The fact that he still won't shows he doesn't care. Until his bad behaviour starts to effect him and not just you, he will continue to act this way. I think you've got a choice. You can either keep on acting like he's a small child and you're his mother, running round after him, and setting a bad example to your children. Or you can stay with him but stop doing anything for him and allow his life to become very uncomfortable. Or you can dump him.

Xiaoxiong · 18/08/2021 13:40

And to answer your question OP my partner doesn't help me, he has his jobs and I have mine, and we have some that are shared (mental load stuff which I refuse to shoulder alone). His job is term time only, so in term time I do more than him and sort out the kids, and we reverse roles in the school holidays.

Collidascope · 18/08/2021 13:40

And yes, there are decent men out there who respect women enough to not think they should be skivvies. Please know that you are worth more than this selfish man-child.

Confused102 · 18/08/2021 13:41

Now I’m wondering if my expectations are just u reasonable

And this is why he gets away with it. You have zero experience and boundaries by the fact you are even asking this. No reasonable adult with responsibilities should be relaxing in bed till 11am while the other person is slogging it. This is acceptable to you, because you would have left if it wasn't. He knows exactly that he can get away with it.

Fernando072020 · 18/08/2021 13:42

Housework is 50/50. Parenting is usually 50/50 but my husband is doing 90% of it right now while I write my dissertation.

I really couldn't be with a man who wasn't my "partner" in life, housework and parenting.

MaitreKarlsson · 18/08/2021 13:42

We share pretty much equally. An ongoing joke is how much he loves doing the laundry, folding it and putting it away and he does the majority of that. I tend to do meals but he generally does the washing up after. We share online shopping, sorting out bins etc. We do have a cleaner which helps. Kids also pitch in though not as much as we would like!