AIBU to ask if your partner helps you..?

[Supermum29]

Just that really.

If you have a partner that you live with do you equally share jobs around the house, with kids or pets?

I’ve just taken the food shop delivery and I got up this morning to take the dog out. It’s nearly 11am and my partner is still upstairs in bed. This is an almost daily occurrence despite my many plea’s for help…. Now I’m wondering if my expectations are just u reasonable…. So enlighten me, do you do most/all of the work or do you share the load as equally as work/commitments allow?

My husband does more than he used to but is pretty lazy. He does work more hours than me but I'd say I do about 95% of the housework and well over half the childcare. He cooks once a week, takes our eldest two to kickboxing once a week and thinks he deserves a medal because most other men don't do that much.
There is a possibility that I'll go full-time and he'll go part time soon but I'm holding off as I'm convinced he won't step up with the housework, even though he says he will.
It should be shared of course although if one person works more then they should do less at home IMO. However that shouldn't mean the one who works less does everything, no idea how to get my husband to accept that though.

@Supermum29

Your phrasing indicates that you think all household/parenting is your responsibility. - why?

No he should not 'help' you because he's not a child.
He should be an equal parent and partner contributing to the running of the household.

Why do you/he think that he shouldn't ?

Presumably you've done more than take in the food shop and taken the dog for a walk?

Is there a reason that he's in bed till late on a weekday? Does he work shifts? If not, then he should be doing his fair share of household tasks and child related tasks if applicable.

We do different things based on our abilities. So I plan the meals, do the online order and cook the meals. DH collects the shopping, puts it all away and pays for it. Kind of thing.

How is he still in bed? Does he not work? My husband works 50-70 hour weeks and yes pulls his weight around the house. He does the kitchen daily, baby bath routine, all the night waking (I'm pregnant and need my sleep!) and anything he is asked to. I do more around the house because I work fewer hours (but still full time) but he is equally as knackered as me at the end of each day which is what I consider an equal partnership.

@FatCatThinCat

We do different things based on our abilities. So I plan the meals, do the online order and cook the meals. DH collects the shopping, puts it all away and pays for it. Kind of thing.

I love that 'pays for it' falls into his category. That's made me laugh

We are a team in this house.

He cooks
I clean
He does all outside jobs
I do washing and ironing
He baths kids
I put them to bed

We never argue about stuff like this. We both appreciate what the other does too.

I haven't always lived like this, I know exactly how your feeling by doing everything on your own. I removed myself from that situation and found someone more compatible.

My ex was like this. When I raised it with him he became defensive, tried to argue what he did was more than enough (it wasn’t) and was not prepared to discuss rationally and reasonably about it. In hindsight I can see he was a misogynist who thought it was woman’s work.

Kicked his ass out the door.

Yes they do. All cleaning, dog walking, dog training and play, etc is all split.

My DH got the dc up & took them to a sports club, came home & started work. He bought me breakfast in bed & Ive just got up as I don't work in August. However we have just returned from holiday which I organised & booked & planned. And today I will unpack & do washing.

He doesn’t help me same as I don’t help him. We are a partnership so expect 50/50 in parenting, household tasks and work so that no one gets to opt out of any responsibilities.

Very different if one doesn’t work or does a few hours only or the children are from previous relationships where the parents should be providing more financially etc.

Food Shopping - DW
Cooking DW
Meal Planning - DW
Gardening (plants) - DW
Bills and admin - DW

Laundry - shared
Bathroom cleaning - shared

Rubbish - Me
Changing bedsheets - Me
Dusting and Vacuuming - Me
Lawn mowing - Me
Dishwasher - Me
Cleaning Kitchen -Me

Opening a door to let the dog out and bringing in some shopping bags doesn't sound too onerous. More info required

And you shouldn't be asking him to "help" - that implies it's your job and he's doing you a favour. You should be asking him to do his fair share, which may or may not be 50%, depending on other commitments eg work hours

I carry most, but not all of the mental load. We have a cleaner. I do all the day to day cleaning, dishes, tidying, baby’s laundry, most of baby’s night wakes, generally thinking about what our baby needs.

He cooks dinner every night, mows the lawn, most handyman work, does his own laundry.

We both do the food planning and shopping. We do lighter gardening work and care for the dog together.

I think things are pretty fair but I still get the rage all the time when he is messy. I’m not sure we were supposed to share our cave with men

Thanks for your replies.

Yes he works shifts but has 4 days off, I’m usually working those 4 days as typically they fall in the week. He will stay in bed until lunch those days (currently we have a weeks annual leave so are both off). I’m my view I’d expect there to be an equal share of the responsibility instead of it just falling on my shoulders all the time.

I do all housework, washing, and cooking and clean the kitchen after cooking and so on. I’m the one always getting up to sort the dog in the morning which I don’t mind on week days because I’d be up to do the school run and get ready for work and if he’s got home late he needs to sleep. What frustrates me is I spend my evenings cooking cleaning washing etc then my weekend is spent doing the rest of the things I haven’t got done in the week if I’ve had to work late, but his 4 days off are spent at his leisure. It’s very unbalanced. We’ve had plenty of conversations where I’ve asked he chip in and do more around the house because it’s not fair to put it all on me. It’s like talking to a brick wall. I just wondered this morning if I was being unreasonable to expect him to pull his weight too, largely because I’m at the point of this relationship won’t work if this is how it will be forever.

I think I’ve just realised we’re very different. I feel like I’m living with a teenager, if I wanted more kids I wouldn’t have stopped at one!!

This is an ongoing dispute with 18yo stepson at the moment. He doesn't seem to understand that - as an adult living in this house (working, but rent free I might add) - he has JUST as much responsibility for the housework as me and his dad do. He washes up a couple of times a week, and that's it. But I've said to him that everything me and his dad get done, he should be doing equal to that .. and he just looks at me like I'm dirt.

But all adults in a household have equal responsibility. That's that.

He doesn't help me, he just pulls his weight like an adult as much as I do, it's his house and kids as well! I would never have married him if he wasn't how he is, I wouldn't find that in the last bit attractive.

I do 90% of the household chores and childcare etc

But I'm a stay at home mum at the moment and my husband is grafting really hard so that I can be

We are both happy in our roles!

If I was to go back to work things would change tho I would not be working full time and doing everything around the house

Also my husband really is great so can't complain he always offers to do stuff I tell him to go and relax a bit

Make sure you use your free time for your leisure. If the housework piles up make sure it's his washing that doesn't get done etc. You'll burn out trying to do it all

@beingsunny thinking of you.
That sucks! Hope all goes well, keep strong

No, he doesn't 'help' me because he isn't doing me a favour cooking, cleaning, taking care of our offspring etc. He is a fully functioning adult and equally responsible for all aspects of life.

You need to change the way you think. By thinking of it as helping you, its framing it as your job. It isn't. It's your joint responsibility.

Ok, so do you both work out of the house the same amount of hours?

It's totally relevant and you haven't fully detailed it, unless I missed it.

If you do, or thereabouts; how can either of you possibly possibly think that he shouldn't be doing 50/50 of the childcare/housework/admin?

I definitely feel now like I’m not being unreasonable. We both work full time but I’m Monday to Friday and he is shifts. Dd 9 is mine from a previous relationship.

He is more than happy to contribute financially I cannot complain in this regard what so ever. All I want is him to tidy up after himself instead of assuming that I’m his personal maid to pick up after him. A weekend just spent with his parents has made me see things very differently in the way he speaks to and treats his mum would put me off having kids with him for fear that they’d see that as acceptable or he’s allow them to treat me like it. And he expected her to wait on him hand and foot. I’ve been so ill lately where I’m so run down, I’ve sat in tears asking him to pull his weight but no effort to change. It makes me question if he does genuinely love me or whether he just loves having me around because he basically lives his life like an all inclusive holiday when he’s at home! Gah rant over

So it sounds like you both work about the same amount of time, and have the same amount of time off work.

I'd write a list of how many hours you both work a week, followed by every household and child related task that you each do. I'd imagine that your list will be very long and his will be very short. Then when you have some time just with him, I'd ask him to look at it with you and to consider whether or not he thinks it is fair. His response will be interesting.

He doesn’t “help” me, because it’s not my job.

This!!! My dh does things in the house etc because it's his job too not just mine. We work together, with each other not FOR each other