To be terrified having children will ruin my marriage

[KoalaInCanada]

My DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 and it was always a given we would have children (provided there are no medical issues that prevent this) Over the past year the discussions have become a lot more frequent and it’s a case of when shall we start trying. We are early 30’s currently in stable, secure jobs we like; my company is family friendly and my husband hours are very flexible, financially not rolling in it but comfortable, we live in an area that have great nurseries and schools, we have a good size two bed which we can extend if we want. On paper our lives are perfect for having a child now but I am so terrified of the impact bringing a third person will have on us and our relationship.

We enjoy each other’s company but we also have our separate hobbies and friends which has us out of the house on average three times a week. Regarding household chores we have a cleaner once a week for the big stuff and with cooking sometimes we prepare 5 course meals other times it’s 2 minutes noodles or toast. The main issue we stress about is usually money but that’s only because when we first got together we both had massive debts and it took a lot of hard work to get out of that and don’t want to slide back into debt.

I have mentioned my concerns to my husband and he has said he won’t turn into an arsehole (I’ve shown him some threads from here about useless men) but as much as he has good intentions nothing is guaranteed. Also what if I have issues coping, or become the arsehole or have PND, or if the child has a disability?

We have an amazing life and we’re happy. Reading some of the threads on here really really worries me, like one from yesterday about the baby changing their marriage.

I know it’s inevitable that children change your relationship, AIBU is that reason enough to not have children? To not ruin my ‘perfect’ life with my husband? He says he will support whatever decision I make and yes I’m very aware he could leave and have kids with someone else.

Do you actually want children or is it just the next thing you think you should do?

I you have a strong marriage and you both want children, having a baby won't tear you apart. Things will change, but you will grow in to a family together. Any number of stressful situations could arise in the future - do you worry about losing your job or one of you getting ill in the same way? Your 'perfect life' is unlikely to remain so indefinitely, baby or not!

You haven't really mentioned wanting children?

There are never any guarantees it won't change your relationship, if that's what you're hoping for, but most people take the calculated risk knowing their desire for kids outweighs those risks and sacrifices.

OP, you certainly don't have to have children and there are many advantages in remaining child free. It will change your relationship, but not necessarily for the worse. It's impossible to say how it will be for you, but I do know if I had my time again and in your situation, I wouldn't do it.

Following.... in a similar position. Still don't know how on earth people decide to have children in this day & age.
Hey you have a nice life, why not take a massive gamble with it??? It might turn out really well and you might wonder why you didn't do it earlier, or it might be a total disaster, ruin your life and you wish you'd never done it, although you won't be able to tell anyone that because it's completely socially unacceptable so you'll have to pretend you're happy!
Roll up roll up to the Life Gamble Machine, feeling lucky?!?!

Seriously - how do people actually decide??? I feel like life must have been easier I many ways when you didn't really have a choice

Are you sure you want children?

Nothing in life in certain and of course a lot if people find it’s a big adjustment when they have a child but it’s worth remembering people rarely run to forums to post about how things are better than ever and their marriage has gone from strength to strength as they’re busy being happy and getting on with things.

Our daughter has brought us even closer together, we both pitch in, no one feels taken for granted, we both adore her, we respect each other, still have sex, still laugh and enjoy each other’s company, still have a social life.

If you spontaneously say this stuff and start a thread about it you get jumped on and torn apart by hordes calling you smug or a liar. It’s happened a few times over the years.

Everyone has their own struggles, big or small, but the nature of MN, and forums in general, skews what you see massively.

It will be the hardest but most rewarding thing you do. If your marriage us not strong it will destroy it. Defo bloody worth it though 😆

Is*

Have you thought about having just one child. One child is very different, from our experience they do slip into your life much more easily. Our relationship hasn’t changed really he has just fitted in with us and is an absolute joy. Only one set of activities to sort out so life isn’t just about children and also we have found that people ask to have him, we have never paid a babysitter as people (well ours do anyway) enjoy looking after just one and ask to have him. Our DS absolutely loves being an only child.

@Shoxfordian

Do you actually want children or is it just the next thing you think you should do?

This

I don’t get any sense from your OP that you actually want a child.

My advice is always, don’t have children unless you think you will be unhappy if you don’t have them.

Look at the costs of your nurseries etc unless one of you are staying at home.
I'm down south and it's approx 75 a day then once they start school they have 13 weeks off a year.

My relationship didn't last as he was useless and selfish and carries on his hobbies with no thought for us.

It is beyond life changing and beyond exhausting but I would never go back and change it.

Having mine made me realise my partner was a cunt.

Does him "pulling his weight" require a bit of follow up and management from you? Is he a bit difficult or argumentative or unyielding in other ways?

I only wonder as it sounds like you may have a suspicion that he may be hard work if you have kids with him.

If you don't want kids, don't have kids.
If you don't want kids with a man, don't have kids with that man - one way street, cannot reverse.

For me it’s one of the most rewarding things and it’s not damaged our marriage in any shape or form. In fact I’d say we’re probably stronger for it but we both really really wanted kids and to be parents & have a family.

I think you and your husband need to ask yourself how much you really want children It’s a big hug decision and it is also bloody hard work. I can see why it does make relationships harder or collapse. You don’t have to have them! Sounds like you have a lovely life ❤️

@DeflatedGinDrinker

Having mine made me realise my partner was a cunt.

This 🤣

How can you possibly know if you want children or not though?

Spend time with friends'/family's children - that seems nice.
Spend time with other friends'/family's children - that seems shit.
You don't know what it's really like to be responsible for another human, you don't know what your children will be like, it's surely just guess and hope???

I can only speak from experience - having children ruined our marriage. I was angry because my body was severely injured and scarred, I look hideous while he still looks normal and has no pain. Our sex life was ruined because my body is so ugly that I can’t stand to let him see it. He got promoted while I was on maternity leave and suddenly he went from “equality” to “you’ll have to work less to enable me to do my new job”. Then there was a pandemic and nurseries were closed so one of us had to give up work for childcare - guess who it was. We argued like hell because he just point blank refused to give up his job and left me holding the baby, so I had no choice. We’ve both had to give up our hobbies, we never go out now. We certainly can’t go out together because one of us always has to stay home to babysit. We can go out with other people but we can’t go out together. Don’t get me wrong, we love our DC - but our marriage is ruined.

A good marriage, peace and quiet, a calm and clean home, time for yourself - these are extremely important and valuable things OP. Definitely worth thinking about whether having children is something you even want to do. I know everyone will say you don't have to do it, and you don't of course, but the pressure to become a parent is IMMENSE. I get it. It's absolutely presented as the 'normal' and right thing to do, especially at your stage in life. So really ask yourself whether you want to upend your lovely life in this way. Maybe you do, and good for you. All I'm saying is, it's not something you should be sleepwalking into. I don't have children, after years of agonising, and I recommend staying childfree very highly indeed

Do you actually want children or is it just the next step to take because everyone does?

Children are really hard work. They will be your responsibility for many years to come. And if your child happens to be born with special needs, times those 2 things by 100.

It's made our relationship even better, but we knew before we were only having one, and she ended up being an incredibly easy baby and now toddler. I had honestly never loved DH more than that first month. He was brilliant - he did all the housework, all the cooking, helped me get DD positioned with breastfeeding, sterilised all the equipment, took her every morning so I could sleep.

And now we have this little person! That we made together. Who makes us laugh every single day, and gives us cuddles and tells us she loves us. Of course it's hard some days, but we are a family unit now, just us three, and I wouldn't change it. We are still us though.

Many people get pregnant accidently, so the decision of when is already made for them.
My relationship was the same as yours. We were together 10 years before having children. Have now been together another 10 years with children. Being together for such a long time with no children does make the decision very hard, as you have built a life just the two of you.
The past ten years have been very, very hard on our relationship because of a few things. I (without realising) started to focus on my kids 100% and push my husband away. Mainly because I was tired. My eldest also has special needs which causes us a lot of stress. And if course the absolute intensity of having children. But it has also been absolutely amazing and I do feel like my life before the kids was pretty empty.
For me, one of the big things is if you have people willing to help you with childcare. Grandparents etc. We don't, and this is a big issue for us and husband and I never get alone time. We never had a honey moon. Never spent one night apart from the children in the ten years we've had them. I have a bad back at the moment, it's school holidays and husband is at work. I have no help at all and it's very hard.

Also we decided to stick with one because we feel that gives us the best life balance, and gives us plenty of time to ourselves. I think some people feel they have to create siblings or keep going and end up over-childed. Two would be too much for us and I think would be difficult on our relationship. But one gives us plenty of spare time and flexibility to keep doing the things we enjoy.

If we waited until everything is perfect then I think none of us would have DC!!

Yes having DC turns things on its head - even little things like you mentioned:
you only want toast for dinner but DC needs something more substantial
When they're older - having to chauffeur them about activities etc (and the expense!!)
Having to THINK all the time about things (and it is usual that one parent will do more if this than the other!)

Similar situation to you before we had our DS. 10 years together, 4 married. Our son is now 13 months and we will be 11 years together next week. Not gonna lie, it has completely changed the dynamic of our relationship. Cant tell you the last time we had sex (I'm breastfeeding and just don't want it at all), we went from bickering once or twice a month to once a day minimum. Lack of sleep, cmpa baby, having no family around. I miss spending time with my husband, I miss our pizza and junk TV Monday nights, I miss our weekend hikes. It's rocked our relationship like nothing else.

BUT we adore our son so much. He's given me another reason to live. Since around 7 months it just got so much easier. Our son can be so funny and there are some lovely moments between the three of us now. The fact we were together for so long before our son came along is (in my opinion) the reason we are still together, because we're also best friends. My husband has parented 50/50 so there's no resentment from either of us there. The dynamics have changed yes and I do sometimes miss aspects of my old life but I also have embraced the new life and couldn't now imagine life without our son.

Do you want children, op? It sounds like you might not be sure? Don't ever feel pressured just because of society, it's ok to not have children too

Well, one of the things my DH told me when he left was things hadn’t been the same since we had a child. I’m not so sure that’s right, but on paper it’s definitely a risk. We had been together 10 years, had the child, then 10 years later he left.