To be terrified having children will ruin my marriage

[KoalaInCanada]

My DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 and it was always a given we would have children (provided there are no medical issues that prevent this) Over the past year the discussions have become a lot more frequent and it’s a case of when shall we start trying. We are early 30’s currently in stable, secure jobs we like; my company is family friendly and my husband hours are very flexible, financially not rolling in it but comfortable, we live in an area that have great nurseries and schools, we have a good size two bed which we can extend if we want. On paper our lives are perfect for having a child now but I am so terrified of the impact bringing a third person will have on us and our relationship.

We enjoy each other’s company but we also have our separate hobbies and friends which has us out of the house on average three times a week. Regarding household chores we have a cleaner once a week for the big stuff and with cooking sometimes we prepare 5 course meals other times it’s 2 minutes noodles or toast. The main issue we stress about is usually money but that’s only because when we first got together we both had massive debts and it took a lot of hard work to get out of that and don’t want to slide back into debt.

I have mentioned my concerns to my husband and he has said he won’t turn into an arsehole (I’ve shown him some threads from here about useless men) but as much as he has good intentions nothing is guaranteed. Also what if I have issues coping, or become the arsehole or have PND, or if the child has a disability?

We have an amazing life and we’re happy. Reading some of the threads on here really really worries me, like one from yesterday about the baby changing their marriage.

I know it’s inevitable that children change your relationship, AIBU is that reason enough to not have children? To not ruin my ‘perfect’ life with my husband? He says he will support whatever decision I make and yes I’m very aware he could leave and have kids with someone else.

Your first child is like throwing a hand grenade into your life…make sure it’s what you want.

It depends on how you and your DH deal with problems I think. Are you both willing to communicate, listen to each other and make changes together?

My marriage has had it ups and downs since children and a lot of other things in life. But DH and I have both been committed to making it work and working together to do that.

I had this conversation many times with a friend in my late 20s. I decided to go ahead with it, in case I later regretted it. 5 years later, I had dc and we were still having the same conversation. 15 years later and we've drifted to fb friends only. She's child free still and as far as I'm aware, still dithering.

Having kids def put a strain on the marriage, but only for a few years. Although it is the only thing we argue over (parenting styles). Ironically, having kids expanded our social lives and made us a better part of the community.

It will change your relationship, but whether that will be for the better of the worse you won’t know until DC is here.

If you can’t see yourself not having children then go for it. If you think you’d be happier without that’s also fine.

I’m the OP. It’s the first time I’ve ever posted and have always lurked before but MN keep blocking my account as they think I’m a troll!

Anyway before I get banned again. Yes I do want children very much but I want my husband and relationship more. I think I need to do a a lot more soul searching. I am genuinely anxious my marriage will go down hill. Probably best I keep getting blocked then I can stop reading all the negative threads!

@Henrytheehoover

It depends on how you and your DH deal with problems I think. Are you both willing to communicate, listen to each other and make changes together?

My marriage has had it ups and downs since children and a lot of other things in life. But DH and I have both been committed to making it work and working together to do that.

I agree with Henry, communication and commitment to each other are so important when you have a family. Also presenting a united front. DH and I don’t always agree on how to deal with everything child-related, but we talk it over and try to be consistent. It’s hard work, but it can be done.

I always knew that I wanted a family, though, so if you’re unsure, don’t just do it because you think you should.

I wouldn't have dc unless you really want to.

If you aren't sure I wouldn't blow up your current life. The chances are you will prefer your new life with dc but it isn't a certainty.

I had dc when having them became the most important thing in my future.

You don't sound ready to have a child as yet, if you are debating how it will change your life style, and the fact that you might base your view, on what others say about having a baby, and all the changes that will happen.. You should know that all things will be different with a baby, you will become a family.

@Florin I don’t think just having one is really that easy always..well not in my experience 🙈

Well children certainly do test a relationship, but I wouldn’t blame the child. Only the adults.

Me and DH aren’t in a great place since having kids but it’s because it’s exposed issues that were already there. Plus highlighted differences in how we chose to parent which is the biggest problem.

@Cavagirl

Following.... in a similar position. Still don't know how on earth people decide to have children in this day & age. Hey you have a nice life, why not take a massive gamble with it??? It might turn out really well and you might wonder why you didn't do it earlier, or it might be a total disaster, ruin your life and you wish you'd never done it, although you won't be able to tell anyone that because it's completely socially unacceptable so you'll have to pretend you're happy! Roll up roll up to the Life Gamble Machine, feeling lucky?!?!

Seriously - how do people actually decide??? I feel like life must have been easier I many ways when you didn't really have a choice

I agree, it's a headfuck really if you're not sure either way.

I agree with pps saying you should be sure, BUT, I also was sort of in your shoes OP, went for it.
Thought I'd made a huge mistake in the early weeks as I was miserable. It was tough.
But now I wouldn't change my decision at all, and have more DC.

The important thing is whether you and your DH really truly have each other's backs.

There isn't actually one 'super right correct' answer where one path leads you to eternal happiness and the other to eternal misery. It can feel like that though.
You'll make the best of whatever you choose.

Weirdly I'd say it hasn't actually changed my relationship with DH other than we're both more tired and have less freedom but we still feel the same about each other, in fact with more respect for each other as mother/father of our beloved children. I wouldn't assume it's the same for everyone though!

Can you wait a bit. A few years? Maybe you're just not ready YET. A lot can change in a few years. For sure, it doesn't make sense to have kids just because that's the "next step". Do you actually feel a burning desire to have them? Does the thought fill you with excitement, in general? About becoming a mom?

As for kids ruining your relationship...
It's really about how well you guys work together as a team, how you communicate, and how well you both bend, already.
When you're sick, or tired, or busy, does your partner automatically step up? Is he kind, giving, supportive, and helpful? Does he pull his weight? If you do have to remind him, does he step up and stay up?

What about you? Do you give to him? Do you take care of him after a long day, or step up when he's extra busy, or too knackered?

These are really the things that will influence how well your relationship works if/when you have a little human to look after!

Maybe the next few years would be a good time to talk about the practicalities and "what ifs"? i.e. Discuss things like - If you did develop PND, would he be ready to deal with it? How long would you want to be off work? If you wanted to stay at home (or he did), would that be an option? All of the big stuff.

Meanwhile, you guys could spend time taking on some kind of responsibility. It's not really just about looking after someone's kid for an evening. It can help, but it's not really the same. Do you have pets together? Do you want pets? Could you foster a dog, or cat? These kinds of things (dogs in particular) really show you how good someone is at teamwork.

So many negative things on here. Having children will change your relationship but it’s also a huge commitment to each other and you both get to share the great joy that is children.
Having children has given us so much purpose and a love like we’ve never felt. It has bonded us.
Ask yourself a few things - if your husband left you anyway, say for somebody else, would you regret not having children? Just because your
Marriage is great now it doesn’t mean it always will be… Don’t do everything in your life because you think your marriage can’t change. It can

@KoalaInCanada2

I’m the OP. It’s the first time I’ve ever posted and have always lurked before but MN keep blocking my account as they think I’m a troll!

Anyway before I get banned again. Yes I do want children very much but I want my husband and relationship more. I think I need to do a a lot more soul searching. I am genuinely anxious my marriage will go down hill. Probably best I keep getting blocked then I can stop reading all the negative threads!

Out of interest, what specifically do you think will change? You mean because you'll both be more tired/snappy/on the lookout for each other not pulling their weight?

A good conversation to have would be

"How would our week look with a baby?"

Sit and talk about which hobbies you would both be prepared to compromise on, how the drop off/pick up to childcare would work between you both, how the weekends would look (eg lie in or days out etc). How evenings would work with commutes/dinner/bath/bedtime etc.

A lot of men change/show their true colours after children.

@Cavagirl

Following.... in a similar position. Still don't know how on earth people decide to have children in this day & age. Hey you have a nice life, why not take a massive gamble with it??? It might turn out really well and you might wonder why you didn't do it earlier, or it might be a total disaster, ruin your life and you wish you'd never done it, although you won't be able to tell anyone that because it's completely socially unacceptable so you'll have to pretend you're happy! Roll up roll up to the Life Gamble Machine, feeling lucky?!?!

Seriously - how do people actually decide??? I feel like life must have been easier I many ways when you didn't really have a choice

I had children because I really wanted them, it was as simple as that (DH did too of course). It certainly has its downsides but I wouldn’t change it for the world. It didn’t even really feel like a decision. If you’re unsure, I’d recommend not doing it until you’re sure. And if you’re never sure, then carry on enjoying your already lovely life!

@Cavagirl. The key to parenthood is love, which isn’t logical! Of course I’d be better off and have more personal freedom without my children, but I love them so I don’t mind doing alot for them.

It’s the same as doing things/making sacrifices for your partner or your parents because you love them. Except it’s less conditional.

Chances are that you won’t have the kind of marriage you have now forever. Whether or not you have children, you’ll still face some stressful things - money, health, ending up on bitterly opposed sides of some political divide, who knows. If your marriage is sound and he’s sound, you’ll see it through, and if it’s not or he’s not then that’s going to come to light sooner or later.

So if you both actually want children then I wouldn’t let “our current lives will change” put you off. You can’t ever freeze your life in amber exactly the way it is now whatever you do.

Plus, it might change for the better. I had a pretty good life before having kids, I thought a lot of my husband before having kids, but him having my back through tough pregnancies then watching how great he is as a dad has built a lot more on our marriage.

Oh and there’s a lot of misery on Mumsnet!!

You've not mentioned once that you do actually want children and that's a massive red flag. You do not have to have children!

@youdoyoutoday

You've not mentioned once that you do actually want children and that's a massive red flag. You do not have to have children!

Yes I do want children very much but I want my husband and relationship more.

Having children is really stressful but if you think it might end your relationship then it may well end when you have other stressful times, health issues, redundancy, family issues, further money issues etc.

I do think people need to consider how they will cope and I think it's a good sign you've already thought about and spoken about this. I think it's a lot more dangerous to assume that a baby will 'bring you closer together' and it will all by idyllic

I think you need to discuss the nitty gritty of how it would work if you had a baby -

• will you share maternity leave? How? What if you're breastfeeding and your baby wont take a bottle?
• how will you share night feeds if one person is on leave and one is at work? What if you have an awful sleeper and one person or both is struggling? What if you're breastfeeding?
• how will you share housework and chores if one person is on leave
• how will you split finances? How will you fund paternity leave? How much spending money will each have? How will you approach when one person is earning and the other isnt?

Free time. How much time will each of you expect to have to chill, hobbies etc. Rememver if one of you is out of the house the other is automatically in charge. How much notice will you give each other? How much hobby time each vs family time? If you both have 3 evenings a week out, you only have one evening a week as a family. Careers. Do both of you have flexible working? Will you both have the option to drop to part time for example? Will both of you be able to do nursery drop off and pick ups? If not, will the other one do extra somewhere else? Will you share taking days off work when your child is sick and cant go to nursery or needs an appointment How will you make sure you both raise any issues and make time for each other Will you both do the jobs that are traditionally done by women like taking them to school parties at the weekend etc How will you split all admin for kids eg will one look after all nursery and childcare communication, will one be responsible for medical appointments

This wont give you any guarantees but it will flag anything that might be an issue and covers most of the common issues that cause threads on here. Most people I know with young kids have stayed together.

The last thing I'd say is that most people don't change when they have children but its normally things that annoy people slightly that seems to get amplified when people have children. For example your partner hates cleaning but you have a cleaner but with two adults outside the house most of the time, the cleaning is minimal. You will have to do more cleaning with young kids, in between the cleaner coming, and if one person refuses then it leads to resentment. One person doesnt do any life admin, and the other is fine picking it up. However when you're working and trying to then fit in the life admin for more people and you're knackered, suddenly, organising school fair, childcare payments, packed lunches, kids densist appointments, kids friends birthday presents etc while the other just switches off mentally, will lead to resentment. So if there is anything that pisses you off now or any area that you don't think he is pulling his weight, you need to sort it out now.

Lastly I think most people that have split with their partner because they are not pulling their weight etc are glad they have the kids and not the lazy ex!

Good luck!

We didn't start trying till our mid 30s for exactly those reasons - good relationship, good jobs, travelling, nice house, I looked great 🤣....but then we had a baby and have never been happier, never laughed so much or felt so in love. Sure, I could bury DH under the patio some days, I look like death warmed up on the nursery run most of the time, our house is covered in plastic tat and we can't go anywhere without a car full of stuff but you know, minor inconveniences.