To be terrified having children will ruin my marriage

[KoalaInCanada]

My DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 and it was always a given we would have children (provided there are no medical issues that prevent this) Over the past year the discussions have become a lot more frequent and it’s a case of when shall we start trying. We are early 30’s currently in stable, secure jobs we like; my company is family friendly and my husband hours are very flexible, financially not rolling in it but comfortable, we live in an area that have great nurseries and schools, we have a good size two bed which we can extend if we want. On paper our lives are perfect for having a child now but I am so terrified of the impact bringing a third person will have on us and our relationship.

We enjoy each other’s company but we also have our separate hobbies and friends which has us out of the house on average three times a week. Regarding household chores we have a cleaner once a week for the big stuff and with cooking sometimes we prepare 5 course meals other times it’s 2 minutes noodles or toast. The main issue we stress about is usually money but that’s only because when we first got together we both had massive debts and it took a lot of hard work to get out of that and don’t want to slide back into debt.

I have mentioned my concerns to my husband and he has said he won’t turn into an arsehole (I’ve shown him some threads from here about useless men) but as much as he has good intentions nothing is guaranteed. Also what if I have issues coping, or become the arsehole or have PND, or if the child has a disability?

We have an amazing life and we’re happy. Reading some of the threads on here really really worries me, like one from yesterday about the baby changing their marriage.

I know it’s inevitable that children change your relationship, AIBU is that reason enough to not have children? To not ruin my ‘perfect’ life with my husband? He says he will support whatever decision I make and yes I’m very aware he could leave and have kids with someone else.

DH and I talked these issues over ad nauseam and had similar worries. Now that we have DS it scares me how close we came to not going for it. He's 5 and hilarious and 100% completes us as a couple/family. We weren't able to have a second due to fertility issues and although I struggled with it a bit, DH is adamant that having an only child was the best way for us to get all the positives of parenthood without being overwhelmed by it, and I do echo what others have said above about the benefits. It's more common these days too.

We were quite mature when we had him and had got a lot of travel and partying out of our systems. You do have to accept that the days of a spontaneous drink or meal after work are over. But we have so many new experiences with DS to replace those.

One other thing- my DH did not anticipate how much closer it would bring him to his parents and has really found that an unexpected bonus. I mean emotionally, not that we moved to be nearer them. My parents died before I had a child and Ifeel sad that I missec that with them.

We have one and it definitely brought us closer together emotionally - but we do struggle to get proper couple time. But we appreciate a date night waaay more than ever before.

Honestly it doesn't sound like you are sold on the idea of kids at all. Don't just do it cos thats what everyone does.

Fwiw we have one. For the most part, he fits in with our lifestyle rather than our lifestyle fitting in with him!

We've continued with the same holidays (just carried him everywhere), going out for meals and going out generally.

It just means we go home earlier if we are both out and we have to plan childcare.

But i wouldn't say our lifestyle was a million miles different.

Looking around at friends who have more than one, i think that very much changes with the second.

We've always said just one for a number of other reasons but lifestyle is a bonus.

I would say DH and I have been more affected by changes to his job than DS coming along.

DH has always been good with kids so never blinked at it. Its been me who has found it harder not him.

But the big cavet is definitely wanting children...

Unless you are extremely keen to have kids I really wouldn't. The world is such a mess right now.
And yes, it will absolutely change your relationship. You won't really know how until you do it.

I was told once that there are only so many years you can do of maximising your relationship with your partner before you need something else to keep you engaged with each other and normally that’s what the child brings. As you get older you bond over the child and your activities are around the child which can also be fun (zoo trips, swimming, theme parks).
However, a child is seriously taxing on the mother and on the relationship because you’ve added another person to the party.
ONLY have a child if you want one.

No one on here can tell you what your marriage will be like after kids, they can only share their own experience.

Whether or not marriages break down because of having children (and some do) most women have an underlying desire to have them regardless. I’ve known women (friends) have a baby with an abusive man because she was that desperate for a baby. She’s paid the price since buy that strong urge bypassed all the red flags and she carried on.

Most people instinctively want one because of a strong biological urge and deal with the consequences afterwards, ie broken down marriage etc..

It’s ok to not want to have a baby. It’s the most rewarding thing in the world but it can be quite overwhelming at times for some. It’s difficult to describe, as you love them so much but with that life comes worry and stress at times, because you want the best for them

I think some women (they’ve openly admitted on here) would not have children if they could go back in time. It’s not to say they don’t love their DC but the responsibility is simply too much for some people. It’s something you can’t switch off or walk away from and some people do long for their old life’s back.

Also if your MN name means you're an Aussie in Canada, be careful about having children because it can trap you in the country they are.

Are you aching for a child because if not, I’d forget it. It’s hard but it’s also good…

You can add another dimension and challenge to your lives. What if you grow closer? What if you learn you have capacities that you never knew? What if you get to 50 and the nice life has gone a bit stale? But I agree with pp, you need to really start engaging with what this change will mean - total vulnerability to unexpected fertility problems, pregnancy complications, total responsibility for a life and upbringing, stress, arguments, reward, love, care, learning to be parents. Toughest thing ever, great rewards, not without risk.

You can't predict the future, OP. Just be really, really, really sure you want kids and equally sure that will be enough for you if your marriage doesn't survive.

I don't think it's really about the risk your DH will turn into an arse, it's that you'll both change and find yourselves on different paths without realising. Also, if your DC has SEN it can be a whole other ballgame no matter how much you love each other at this stage and your DC when they arrive.

It will. It broke ours of 10 years

@LunaLula83

It will. It broke ours of 10 years

I could quite as easily say…

It won’t. It hasn’t broken ours of 12 years. It has made it better.

Neither of us would be right of course, as we have no idea what it’ll do to the OP’s marriage.

When you're 60, will you be happy being childless?

When my DH started hinting at kids, that's the line of reasoning I took. I weighed up the risks, and decided that I preferred the alternative. Luckily we were able to and now have 2 DC.

They don't stay children for very long!

Does he clean/do washing/see the housework and cooking/shopping as just as much his responsibility as yours? Have you decided who will have to make the sacrifices when your maternity leave is up? It's almost always the mother who ends up reducing her hours/going part time/becoming a SAHM even if she doesn't want to. How will you organise yourselves when the baby is sick - who stays off work? If you can plan as much in advance how you will split the load and if you are generally good at communicating/working together as a team then you'll most likely be fine. Sit down and write up how you'd share things as evenly as possible.

Having separate hobbies is good in this instance as you can take turns staying in with the DC while the other goes out but make sure you reiterate in advance that sacrifices will have to be made and no one will be doing hobbies more than the other person.

If he comes from a family where his mum was the domestic dogsbody while the dad sat on his backside being served then that should ring enormous alarm bells. Many men will revert to their upbringing and follow in the footsteps of their fathers when children come along (not always obviously but true of the vast majority of men I know).

I didn't do any of the above and ended up in the situation you fear, I wish I had heard about mumsnet before having DC, it would have saved a lot of heartbreak and resentment. Forewarned is forearmed!

I was told once that there are only so many years you can do of maximising your relationship with your partner before you need something else to keep you engaged with each other and normally that’s what the child brings.

Rubbish. We couldn’t have children but have managed to stay happily mattied and engaged with each other for over 30 years.

Having kids made me more in love with my husband. He has become himself by having kids.

I was told once that there are only so many years you can do of maximising your relationship with your partner before you need something else to keep you engaged with each other and normally that’s what the child brings.

Not a problem if that number of years is 70

Yes, look HARD at his parents relationship.

Hmmmm I’m 2 kids in, and I can honestly say it hasn’t broken my marriage but it’s certainly tested it. And by testing it we are now stronger and more united. But children have forced us to grow both individually & together, & all meaningful growth is painful. Having children is not for everyone though.

The eldest is 7, the youngest nearly 3. Married for 8 years, together for 14. BUT…….I won’t lie to you; it is a transformational experience. It WILL change you, & your marriage will evolve. You will both grow & as I said above, this can be painful.

I will also tell you that it is the hardest & most meaningful thing you’ll ever do. Your life and your marriage just won’t be the same. And given this, I’d ask you; do you want children? If the honest answer is yes then have faith in that. If the honest answer is no, then don’t.

Hmmm you use Curious words, like brining a third person into your marriage. Which makes it sound like swinging, like it is someone who poses you a risk

The bottom line is having a child will change your life, going out three nights a week is untenable and dinners need to be routine.

If you’re not up for the life change, don’t do it. You don’t talk about a longing or desire for a child. More just it sounds like you think you should.

Well having kids is absolutely life changing but to be fair you could wait a while as you're still young.
You need to have a very honest chat with you DH about what life would look like with a child in tow.

@Topia

Hmmmm I’m 2 kids in, and I can honestly say it hasn’t broken my marriage but it’s certainly tested it. And by testing it we are now stronger and more united. But children have forced us to grow both individually & together, & all meaningful growth is painful. Having children is not for everyone though.

The eldest is 7, the youngest nearly 3. Married for 8 years, together for 14. BUT…….I won’t lie to you; it is a transformational experience. It WILL change you, & your marriage will evolve. You will both grow & as I said above, this can be painful.

I will also tell you that it is the hardest & most meaningful thing you’ll ever do. Your life and your marriage just won’t be the same. And given this, I’d ask you; do you want children? If the honest answer is yes then have faith in that. If the honest answer is no, then don’t.

Great post

There's no right answer to your question. You need to do what feels right, but if you do definitely want children then you will need to take the risk.

Me and DH had been together for 12 years and married for almost 3 when we started trying for children. We conceived quickly and had DS in 2019. It has changed our relationship without a doubt but we were in a good place before and are still (broadly speaking) in a good place now. We've had some bumps along the way adjusting to life as parents but we've worked through them and now have #2 on the way and due within a few weeks.

I do look forward to being done with pregnancy and the pandemic though. One of my biggest complaints about the introduction of children to our relationship is that we haven't been able to do as much as a couple or 'properly' as a family due to the pandemic. And now that things are open I'm over 8 months pregnant so we can't really go anywhere/do anything now either. But once this little one is born I'm really excited to go out on dates together again (courtesy of grand parents baby sitting), then next year to also all go out as a family.

Whilst I can't promise your experience will be the same, I just wanted to give some reassurance that not all relationships are destroyed by adding children ☺️

Well done on giving it serious thought.

Are you feing presssure?

Having children isn't for everyone.

I think the most important thing is to be realistic.

IMO having children changes everything and mostly in a good way, but not all the time.

We were married 5+ years before we gave having children any thought.

We travelled and lived very self absorbed lives completely doing whatever we wanted.
It was most enjoyable.
After we had our first which was a great baby who thrived on routine, our lives really shrank, and continued to, but we were ready for it and content to do so.

My husband was completely domesticated, extremely self sufficient, doted on our son so always pulled his weight.

I think if you are both out doing separate hobbies that ye adore, there is going to be a change.

Sharing a child and having busy hobbies can lead to resentment so consideration of each is key.

Having conversations before you get pregnant is very important.

As a woman with a great husband I can absolutely confirm MY life did change more than his, despite his support and fair share of duties.
There is no getting away from that.
Nothing could have prepared me for how big a change it was to my life.

Dispite having a well paid career I didn't return to work and I have mostly not regretted it.
So my husband never had the pressure of sharing that load.

Two parents working fulltime is a heavy load.
If the logistics of the baby is left to the woman, it is enormous.

Being really honest with yourself and each other is key.

But a man that never does a tap around the house is highly unlikely going to morph into a great domestic God after a baby arrives.

My partner and I used to have this discussion, thinking maybe we wanted children but never the 'right' time for either of us (career, hobbies, holidays, house renovation or moving).

Anyway chance/fate/serendipity took it out of our hands and we had a surprise baby after being married for a number of years. Best thing I've ever done in my life is become a mum. We love our DC so much I cannot explain.

I'm honestly not sure we'd have taken the plunge otherwise because we're very cautious people by nature and I think we overthink things, especially things that are difficult to control.

But having said all that, having children isn't for everyone. And I also know people who have desperately wanted children, made the decision consciously to try for children, then found they struggled with motherhood or fatherhood.

It's so difficult and personal I don't think anyone can advise or guide you one way or the other.