To be terrified having children will ruin my marriage

[KoalaInCanada]

My DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 and it was always a given we would have children (provided there are no medical issues that prevent this) Over the past year the discussions have become a lot more frequent and it’s a case of when shall we start trying. We are early 30’s currently in stable, secure jobs we like; my company is family friendly and my husband hours are very flexible, financially not rolling in it but comfortable, we live in an area that have great nurseries and schools, we have a good size two bed which we can extend if we want. On paper our lives are perfect for having a child now but I am so terrified of the impact bringing a third person will have on us and our relationship.

We enjoy each other’s company but we also have our separate hobbies and friends which has us out of the house on average three times a week. Regarding household chores we have a cleaner once a week for the big stuff and with cooking sometimes we prepare 5 course meals other times it’s 2 minutes noodles or toast. The main issue we stress about is usually money but that’s only because when we first got together we both had massive debts and it took a lot of hard work to get out of that and don’t want to slide back into debt.

I have mentioned my concerns to my husband and he has said he won’t turn into an arsehole (I’ve shown him some threads from here about useless men) but as much as he has good intentions nothing is guaranteed. Also what if I have issues coping, or become the arsehole or have PND, or if the child has a disability?

We have an amazing life and we’re happy. Reading some of the threads on here really really worries me, like one from yesterday about the baby changing their marriage.

I know it’s inevitable that children change your relationship, AIBU is that reason enough to not have children? To not ruin my ‘perfect’ life with my husband? He says he will support whatever decision I make and yes I’m very aware he could leave and have kids with someone else.

Might not ruin your relationship, most certainly will put strain on it, as it will your lives. Children are hard work, never underestimate that.

@Moira1984. I’m so sorry you’re having a difficult time, you sound exhausted. I remember feeling as if I’d just turned into a tired Mummy instead of an individual ( except when I was at work, then I was just tired 😂) but be reassured that this phase will pass. I personally found that life got easier once they turned 5.

Mine are now 16 and 13 so and it’s so different. They’re interesting to talk to and they don’t need everything doing for them. DH and I regularly go out, because they don’t need babysitters anymore. I can honestly say that the early years are a distant memory. So hang in there, things will improve.💐

Thanks @brownbreadicecream for noticing my second post and yes I"m worried tiredness, resentment, finding faults with each other may occur among so many other things!
@IcedPurple @Chunkymenrock MN think I’m a banned poster so have blocked my account. They did say it had been reinstated but I still can’t access it. I'm not in the UK at the moment and using a VPN so maybe that's why.

If people do see this post thank you so much for all your answers. Apologies but I'll be@ a few people (not all) so they see I haven't been ignoring mythread..
@SleepQuest33@youdoyoutoday@Shoxfordian you were the first to ask why doI want a baby- a bit of both. Also this might be a juvenile, immature thought but I also want to be able to see evidence and the expression of our love. BUT I don't have that urge or ache to have a baby.
I believe we have a very strong marriage, we support each other at home with life admin and the mental load. He pulls his weight without me prompting andvice versa but I am fearful that most of the child caring duties do usually fall to the mother. @YesILikeItToo that is also a fear. I can handle him leaving just me, will I be able to handle him leaving me and a child?
@Recessed @Lottapianos@Paulinna@Cavagirl@dustofneptune@DrinkFeckArseBrick@LunaLula83@EspressoDoubleShot@Moira1984
@Heliachi@Marcee@PicsInRed@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz@SoundBar@PorridgeOaf
We've been reading all your answers together and spoken a lot. No one knows what changes will happen and are we willing to jump into that unknown? No. Without that biological need we don't see how it can be worth it, 'throwing a grenade' into our relationship. If that feeling hits at some point then who knows.I"m really sorry to those whose marriage did not makeit, that is what we want to avoid.
Thank you all for being honest with your thoughts and feelings and the questions you made us answer.

OP, read the recent IPCC report and see what the world is probably going to look like when your hypothetical child is a teen or a young adult. Life will be much harder and more traumatic for coming generations. Personally I dont think it's fair to bring kids into existence given what we now know we're facing.

Without any doubt at all. Becoming parents WILL change your marriage. Not necessarily for the worse, but it will change the marriage, life is no longer about you two. Being parents is full on, and as a mum for me my focus shifted to my children. It didn’t mean I don’t still love my DH, but I would say for both of us our DS’ come first.

@Msrepresented

OP, read the recent IPCC report and see what the world is probably going to look like when your hypothetical child is a teen or a young adult. Life will be much harder and more traumatic for coming generations. Personally I dont think it's fair to bring kids into existence given what we now know we're facing.

Completely agree with this - big factor in us not having a second. Not sure the world needs more people.

It sounds like you have a great life right now and there's absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to remain childless. I'm glad you are thinking about it very carefully as it seems to me that too many people go into parenthood without much thought or even accidentally.

From what you have written it doesn't sound like you are feeling a desperate need to have children, but rather see it as the next step that's expected. Yes, having children will profoundly impact your life and your relationship, in good ways and in bad. It isn't something you should do unless you are sure you really really want to.

@Manzanilla55

A lot of men change/show their true colours after children.

Yes. Often they get better and you love them even more.

Yanbu.

It's a massive massive commitment

Something I read a while ago which I agree with is that it's like having a bomb go off in your relationship.
I'd agree with that.

Not just your life but both of you as people may change.

It's pretty full on.

@Moira1984 what you have posted is very brave. I know it can feel like you are the only person feeling that way, but I can assure you I've heard many parents say the same thing over the years. Sometimes it gets better for them and they are able to find some joy in their child, sometimes they don't and the best solution for both parent and child is to distance themselves.

The trouble is society's expectations on women to want kids, to enjoy having the, and to never admit they were a mistake.

I've always known I didn't want them. My husband is the same. Our relationship is rich and rewarding and we have led amazing lives that would have been hindered by young children. There is a view in society (and on here sometimes) that true fulfilment as a person can only come from having children. For some people, who wanted them, that is absolutely the case. However, for others, who didn't, it is the opposite. If I'd had children I would have resented them and resented the impact they had on my life and my marriage. That doesn't make me selfish, just someone with a different outlook on life and experience of life.

Because I've also been the unwanted and resented child. I learned at an early age that motherhood doesn't always come with unconditional love, sacrifice and support. My mother didn't love me. I didn't love her. Once you realise that you're not always going to get the happy ending, that you're a human with messy and complicated feelings and not just a product of a child-obsessed society....you might find you feel differently.

Whatever you choose, good luck.

Wait for awhile.
A baby is very restrictive you live on a timetable, you've plenty of time.
Most people are apprehensive when they start trying too, it might be nerves.