To be terrified having children will ruin my marriage

[KoalaInCanada]

My DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 and it was always a given we would have children (provided there are no medical issues that prevent this) Over the past year the discussions have become a lot more frequent and it’s a case of when shall we start trying. We are early 30’s currently in stable, secure jobs we like; my company is family friendly and my husband hours are very flexible, financially not rolling in it but comfortable, we live in an area that have great nurseries and schools, we have a good size two bed which we can extend if we want. On paper our lives are perfect for having a child now but I am so terrified of the impact bringing a third person will have on us and our relationship.

We enjoy each other’s company but we also have our separate hobbies and friends which has us out of the house on average three times a week. Regarding household chores we have a cleaner once a week for the big stuff and with cooking sometimes we prepare 5 course meals other times it’s 2 minutes noodles or toast. The main issue we stress about is usually money but that’s only because when we first got together we both had massive debts and it took a lot of hard work to get out of that and don’t want to slide back into debt.

I have mentioned my concerns to my husband and he has said he won’t turn into an arsehole (I’ve shown him some threads from here about useless men) but as much as he has good intentions nothing is guaranteed. Also what if I have issues coping, or become the arsehole or have PND, or if the child has a disability?

We have an amazing life and we’re happy. Reading some of the threads on here really really worries me, like one from yesterday about the baby changing their marriage.

I know it’s inevitable that children change your relationship, AIBU is that reason enough to not have children? To not ruin my ‘perfect’ life with my husband? He says he will support whatever decision I make and yes I’m very aware he could leave and have kids with someone else.

@SleepQuest33

Do you actually want children or is it just the next step to take because everyone does?

Children are really hard work. They will be your responsibility for many years to come. And if your child happens to be born with special needs, times those 2 things by 100.

This. But it's still the only really meaningful thing I've ever done.

It also broke up my marriage. But if I could choose marriage or children, I'd choose the children a gazillion times over. They drive me insane, but nothing could possibly compare to them.

Serious question

Do you think your relationship would survive if- you were busy all the time with the baby for a year. The first thing you talk about in the morning is about the baby and last thing you talk/ think about is the baby. Would he feel jealous of the attention you were giving the baby?

What if you get severe postnatal depression. Severe injuries. Difficulty with getting over the birth if it is traumatic. Anxious, exhausted, crying all the time.

And if god forbid the child has a lifelong disability.

Could it survive no sex for approx 18 months cos you are exhausted with caring for a baby? Or would it build resentment.

I'm not saying the above scenarios will definitely happen but might.

Instead of your partner being the most important In your life it will be your child.

And if your partner does end up unfortunately being one of the ones who does turn into an arsehole- I'd imagine you'd have a low threshold for ending the marriage- you wouldn't want the person most important to you to have to live in that kind of environment.

I'm not saying it's a given, but a child does amplify any division.

@brownbreadicecream

If those admonishing the op for not returning had actually read the thread carefully, they'd see she has posted but under a slightly different username.

Where?

I'm not saying it's a given, but a child does amplify any division I agree. @Marcee

DH & I were very happy pre dc & tbh having them were harder than I imagined particularly going from 1 to 2. What helped is me staying in work p/t as I found I needed the head space & hands on family.

I wish I’d known what having children was going to be like before I had them.

Like you I was married, stable jobs, financially comfortable and in a very family orientated area. I was in my 20’s (DH was early 30’s) but other than that very similar.

We used to go on amazing holidays and spend time doing things we enjoyed. Life was easy and stress free but we were always going to have kids, it was just one of those things we never even considered not doing.

We’ve now got 2 under 2, we’ve not eaten a meal together in months and are both permanently exhausted. Any free time we get is spent sleeping or watching tv we are both too tired to actually follow so we never understand what’s happening.

I’ve actually started to get oddly jealous of my divorced/separated friends who get actual child free time, while days and nights to themselves I’ve not even taken a poo without an audience in almost 2 years.

…but I do love my kids

Hi OP, the thread from yesterday that you ref in your post was mine I think. Just wanted to clarify something. Yes my marriage has changed and needs work, but I 100% do not regret having my child. She is the best thing to happen to either of us!

Yes it's been challenging, and we've talked about that a lot, but sometimes the best things in life are challenging, and maybe they're so good because they are. I have never felt such highs and lows, never experienced such overwhelming love. It feels like we've been broken down as people and are in the process of building again - and I say that in the best way. It's like the scales have fallen from my eyes and I'm seeing everything anew.

Before we had her we talked a lot about whether it was worth the risk of upending everything, couldn't we just carry on and get nicer houses and holidays and go to the theatre when we wanted? We decided that we were both too curious about what it was like to be a parent. I'm so glad we did it. We'll come out of it stronger.

I'm not saying this is necessarily the right path for you, but it seemed like my thread had inspired your question so I thought you might be interested in this extra info.

No strangers can possibly guess what's right for you. This is something you can only decide for yourself.

If you don't want children, don't have them. It is as simple as that. Yes adding children to a relationship will change it, your priorities shift, childcare is expensive and you would have to decide what works best for you interms of that, often it involves some sacrifice eg. career progression or emphasises the need for flexibility. The biggest issue I found was the lack of spontaneity as having children means there are lots of things to think about.

Ultimately we both wanted kids and talked about the nitty gritty and how that would work. My dh was already the type of guy that would do things for himself and an equal partner in terms of chores. We were on the same page with regards to how we wanted to raise kids and he was happy to ask for flexible working so I could remain in a career I love and worked hard for. I did go part time which he supported and that was because it gave me the best balance. You don't have to sacrifice the facets of your personality that make you you when you have kids, that is a choice! Also a lot of the posts on here will about women who are struggling as partner who was useless before kids is even more useless after, many expect them to grow up and are in shock horror when they don't. You won't get many posts from women like myself who's partners are just as good at parenting as the mother as that would come across as boastful.

I wanted to reply to @Moira1984 post but can't find it now.

Do you love him? Like him? Enjoy spending time with him? If he was to disappear tomorrow would it bother you? I don't mean to be rude I'm just curious. I know you can love and care for a child yet still wish you hadn't had them.

@RevolvingPivot

I wanted to reply to *@Moira1984* post but can't find it now.

Do you love him? Like him? Enjoy spending time with him? If he was to disappear tomorrow would it bother you? I don't mean to be rude I'm just curious. I know you can love and care for a child yet still wish you hadn't had them.

I have dreams that I wake up and everything is the way it was before. Genuinely. I do like him but I wouldn't miss him.

Has it always been like this, Moira? Did you ever consider PND that is still ongoing? Does your husband feel the same way?

Yes and yes.

The only other thing I would suggest if you are still in 2 minds still is to try fostering. You seem like great candidates even if you only did it once. It may help, it may not but even if it doesn't, you have helped a child without giving up your entire lives. What do you have to lose? 😊

That’s truly shocking advice, fostering is a regulated and assessed process to seek the right adult in a difficult situation. The children aren’t there as a practice run for prospective parents. Try out without any risk. What do you have to lose? Quite a lot actually . You and the chid. It’s emotional and mentally difficult to foster
The child has been fostered because an adult caring relationship has broken down, a crisis intervention and court order has removed the child and the local authority has had to obtain a care order and foster carers

@Moira1984

Yes and yes.

It's hard to say isn't it? Maybe counselling or different medication may help but ultimately it may just be that children weren't for you. Is there anyone you can speak to? You can't continue to live like that it's not fair on you or your child. Could he live with family?

You can't continue to live like that it's not fair on you or your child. Could he live with family?

Don’t be ridiculous @Moira1984 isn’t a bad person or an absent mother. Why should her child be forced to live elsewhere. As unpalatable as it is for some of you, being mum is not the hardest or best job in world, sometimes it’s a hard fucking gig

Espresso, great post about fostering. I'm horrified that anyone thinks it's an experience that you can just dip into with no consequences. You need to be a highly skilled parent figure and an exceptional person to foster, and you need to go into it with your eyes WIDE OPEN. OP, don't even consider it (I'm sure you wouldn't!)

@Lottapianos, yes foster carers are exceptional
It’s like the other mn trope. Oh just adopt! Yes just hop down to social services ask about the abundance of new borns just waiting to be picked

Had this conversation with friends last night six we decided that, being honest, far too many people have children without much serious thinking because 1) they follow a mechanical pattern of move in / engaged / married / kids because it’s pretty much expected; 2) people constantly ask them about when they will so it feels like encouragement 3) they think about the future and growing old more than they do the next 15-25 years so don’t fully consider the impact it will have 4) they see absolute idiots who have kids so they make it look pretty easy.

When you consider it deeply, you consider the reduced money, the lack of spontaneity, the absence of lie ins, the extra stress / worry / person to think about, possible medical issues, the lack of time alone as a couple, the sacrifice of free time for hobbies and peace, plus a billion other things.

Some people are happy with all of that and wouldn’t exchange it for their child/ten.

Some people have a gut instinct that a child would not improve their life or add to it enough fir the many sacrifices to be worth it.

I think it’s better to think very carefully than be someone who ‘falls into’ parenting and wishes they’d carried on as they were before.

Neither option is wrong and it is entirely a choice to be made by the couple taking on the responsibility.

^ ignore the random ‘six’!

@EspressoDoubleShot

You can't continue to live like that it's not fair on you or your child. Could he live with family?

Don’t be ridiculous @Moira1984 isn’t a bad person or an absent mother. Why should her child be forced to live elsewhere. As unpalatable as it is for some of you, being mum is not the hardest or best job in world, sometimes it’s a hard fucking gig

I didn't say she was!!!

Wait until you want one. You either will or you wont. One day you might just say- now i want one now. It just hasn't happened yet. It might not, and that is ok. Do not do it because you feel you should.
Kids are a game changer, but also fabulous. We always laugh that our daughters first name was " fun sponge", but she is the centre of our world and makes our friends look dull . Children are needy and draining at worst- fabulous, outrageously lovely company at best. Have them when you are ready and it will all be peachy.