To be terrified having children will ruin my marriage

[KoalaInCanada]

My DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 and it was always a given we would have children (provided there are no medical issues that prevent this) Over the past year the discussions have become a lot more frequent and it’s a case of when shall we start trying. We are early 30’s currently in stable, secure jobs we like; my company is family friendly and my husband hours are very flexible, financially not rolling in it but comfortable, we live in an area that have great nurseries and schools, we have a good size two bed which we can extend if we want. On paper our lives are perfect for having a child now but I am so terrified of the impact bringing a third person will have on us and our relationship.

We enjoy each other’s company but we also have our separate hobbies and friends which has us out of the house on average three times a week. Regarding household chores we have a cleaner once a week for the big stuff and with cooking sometimes we prepare 5 course meals other times it’s 2 minutes noodles or toast. The main issue we stress about is usually money but that’s only because when we first got together we both had massive debts and it took a lot of hard work to get out of that and don’t want to slide back into debt.

I have mentioned my concerns to my husband and he has said he won’t turn into an arsehole (I’ve shown him some threads from here about useless men) but as much as he has good intentions nothing is guaranteed. Also what if I have issues coping, or become the arsehole or have PND, or if the child has a disability?

We have an amazing life and we’re happy. Reading some of the threads on here really really worries me, like one from yesterday about the baby changing their marriage.

I know it’s inevitable that children change your relationship, AIBU is that reason enough to not have children? To not ruin my ‘perfect’ life with my husband? He says he will support whatever decision I make and yes I’m very aware he could leave and have kids with someone else.

It’s not compulsory to have children. It’s not biological predetermined that you must
Just think You’ll be a whole lot financially better of if you don’t

Let’s be clear none of the cliches about a baby completing you are true
A baby won’t necessarily bring you closer together. It may intensify division and cause divorce. Alternatively a baby will be utterly unifying and you’ll be happy

I can only speak from my own experience, but agree with other posters that if you just feel as if you should have children rather than actually wanting them, don't do it. My DH and I had been together for ten years, and throughout that time I wasn't sure if I really wanted kids. Then at 29 I became a broody nightmare and was desperate to have a child. Prior to that I hadn't wanted to rock the boat - we had a good life, had our own friends, hobbies, disposable income, and our relationship was strong, he is my absolute rock. But the urge to have a child was so strong that I knew I'd never be happy if I couldn't be a mother. Like you, I was so worried that our relationship and life together would change and was it worth risking all that for a baby? But if anything having a child has strengthened us. Yes, the first few months after giving birth were hard, both of us exhausted and you cannot live the way you used to before a child. It's as if you are living in a snow globe and someone has violently shaken it. But the snow does eventually settle. A few months after he was born, we were going out on dates again, I managed to get to the gym a couple times a week, we juggled our life around so that we could both have some kind of social life and time for ourselves when needed, and eventually I could read more than one sentence in a book without instantly falling asleep! You aren't each other's number one priority once you have a child, and that takes some getting used to after just being the two of you, but if your husband is a decent man then you'll be a team raising a child together. And you'll see each other in a while new light as parents - I can only say I have even more affection and admiration for my husband seeing him be the dad he is. I miss the lie ins, the spontaneous nights out and the peace and quiet sometimes, but they would have been no consolation if we'd gone against my broodiness and not had a child. Our DS is just such an awesome kid to be around, most of the time anyway! But that's just me - you have to really decide what it is you want and what you would be happy living without. Don't have a child if you only feel pressured or obligated to.

I don't know any couples who have split up because they have children, but I know several who split up because having children revealed that one of them was a fundamentally selfish person who thought their partner was less important than them. I also know a few couples who split up after having children but who would clearly have split up in any case (in fact having children dragged it all out) because they were incompatible on something important. If doing something stressful and having to put another person first breaks your marriage then personally I'd rather know that then carry on in blissful ignorance into something else stressful comes along. The men who completely fail to step up after having children would always have fallen at another hurdle if that couple had remained childfree.

I know a few couples who split up within 18mth having a baby. It highlighted differences, eg the mum fundamentally adapted the dad didn’t and wanted the same life with no interruptions and he resented the inevitable change of priorities as his partner was a mum. Division over religion and parenting style. Parent who was lapsed Christian wanting to raise child Christian (for despite school place) despite both having being avowed lapsed Christians prior to baby.
Another couple she wanted to give up work be a housewife move to suburbs from a city centre apartment

I've made an account to tell you a few things about my decision to have a child.
1 - you'll not be guaranteed a baby that sleeps through, or sleeps in. Our boy wakes at 5. Every single day. No matter what we try, he's up. Neither of us have had a full night's sleep in 3 years.

2 - you will lose yourself. You will become "mummy." I hate this. I am not a mumsy mum that is permanently smiley and engaged.

3 - you will have no time to yourself unless you're lucky enough to have immediate family around you.

4 - Like you, I had a 13 year long relationship before falling pregnant and I miss it being just us. You will never be able to do what you want again without compromise.

5 - Pregnancy is hard work. Childbirth is hard work. The mental aspect is not to be ignored. I am now on sertraline to combat the suicidal thoughts and all consuming and crushing anxiety. Now I'm just numb.

6 - I feel immense guilt about the future my child faces. I have no idea what me or my husband were thinking when we fell pregnant. Your hormones are powerful, make a decision with your head.

7 - My husband says having a child is the worse effing mistake of his life. I agree.

Nobody should feel it is necessary to have children and, to be honest, if you don't really, really want them, don't do it. You'll end up resentful.

I want to acknowledge @Moira1984 post, searingly honest about how hard it can be

Does anyone else think it's strange when someone starts a thread looking for advice on a very personal topic and then seems to abandon the thread?

But if you're still reading, then I'd echo what others have said about asking yourself whether or not you actually want children, or if you just feel that it's 'what you do', 'the next step' and so on. I don't have children and have never wanted them, but from what I'm told by parents, you have to really, passionately want children, because they turn your life upside down. If you're ambivalent - and on the limited info you've provided it sounds as though you are - then don't do it.

I love being a parent now but at first I absolutely hated it (I didn't hate my children just the collosal change it made to our carefree lives). I have to be honest and state it nearly finished me and DH off. Put it this way, I discovered way too late that he and I had SUCH different upbringings that our parenting style was never going to meet in the middle. Neither of us coped with the tiredness and became nasty with each other. I began to hallucinate and developed horrible intrusive thoughts due to sleep deprivation and pnd.

Now I would say it's worth it as it's great now they're older, but I can't even drive past the house we lived in when DD was a baby as it makes me feel so anxious. You're right to be thinking about it seriously. I fell pregnant due to a contraceptive failure first time round, if I hadn't may never have had children.

My perspective might be different from others that have posted as I'm now 65 and have seen the whole gamut of family life and bring up children. I married in my early 30s but having children then was never an option. DH already had 2 children and financially it was a no. Then we had fertility problems, redundancy, started a new in another part of the UK etc. Life was good but not as fulfilling as it might have been. By this time I was in my mid 40s so pregnancy was not really on the cards so decided to adopt. Have adopted a sibling group. Both with ADHD and ASD - not that you know that when they are small. Very hectic and certainly exhausting but the best thing we ever did. They have completed our lives. It is unbelievably fulfilling having disabled children, every little goal is so precious. Our two are now in their late teens and we are so proud of them. It did change our lives but having them is so much more fulfilling than any fancy holiday, job promotion or night out. We still go out, now and again, have our hobbies and friends, but different friends. The friends we have now are really special and understand all the ups and downs we have been through. We have joined in the community we live in and know so many people here, I now have little desire to race off seeing the world. Just love our life.

@EspressoDoubleShot

I want to acknowledge *@Moira1984* post, searingly honest about how hard it can be

Oh... don't forget... "Ah.... I know you're tired and he's being a handful but you wouldn't be without him would you?" tinkly laughter God help you if you actually say what you really feel when surrounded by people who don't know what to say anymore when you try to "reach out."

Having children is incredibly selfish. The world always has and will be a crap place to bring more lives in to.

I am about to have my 2nd and wouldn't change it for the world.

My husband didn't want kids or marriage and, I swear he is the best husband and father possible and is genuinely happy, not resentful or absent etc. I always knew I wanted to be a selfish cow and have children and DH had many years and chances to run for the hills.

You either want them or not, I think and do it because you do and NEVER because that's "what you do". Especially if both of you can happily see your future just the 2 of you.

The only other thing I would suggest if you are still in 2 minds still is to try fostering. You seem like great candidates even if you only did it once. It may help, it may not but even if it doesn't, you have helped a child without giving up your entire lives. What do you have to lose? 😊

Doesn’t sound like you want children

Any reply to our questions, OP?

I have a one year old DD and the past 12 months has nearly ended my marriage on two occasions. When I hear people say they had a child to save their relationship I wonder what planet they’re on.

Surely every day is a gamble. Anything can happen at any time changing everything. You can get sick, lose your job, change jobs and it doesn't work out, fall in love with someone else, fall out of love for no reason. That's what makes life interesting. The inpredictability of it all.
As for children if you're not sure then don't have them. Nobody can tell you how your life will turn out, children or not.

Do you want children op? I read your op and some of the replies and thought about it. Do you know what? I think that very often having children isn't always a logical decision, it's a biological urge. Children are hard work, tiring, expensive, there doesn't seem to be any rational explanation apart from love.

Funnily enough I have the opposite worry to you op. When I met my dh I was a single mum to a baby, then a few years later we had another child. Our whole relationship has been around children, apart from the dating at very beginning and the odd weekend, we've always had children around us. I worry about what will be left when they grow up and leave home, we've never really been on our own.

The only other thing I would suggest if you are still in 2 minds still is to try fostering. You seem like great candidates even if you only did it once. It may help, it may not but even if it doesn't, you have helped a child without giving up your entire lives. What do you have to lose? 😊

This is... bizarrely terrible advice. Fostering isn't some temporary try out at being a parent - it isn't being a parent at all, it's a very different (and widely agreed to be much harder) role and children in care, who have normally had very difficult life experiences, deserve better than to be someone's experiment to see if they like children

It ruined mine. Having said that, both my ex and I would say that our child is the best thing to happen to both of us. However we had no support at all and this became a big problem.

YANBU I work with children, had looked after babies before etc, have a good DH, no major money issues or vices between us….. but still found it a huge, HUGE shock to the system. I’m only just recovering from now my youngest is in school.

Thankfully I knew I wanted children but I think you should go into it knowing yes it will make your relationship worse for some considerable time because frankly no one is at their best when their basic needs aren’t being met (sleep being but one of them!). You will also become a new you. It’s not better or worse but it is new and it takes time to get used to this new version of you.

If you want to be a mum, it IS worth it even though it’s unbelievably hard and harder than you can really appreciate beforehand. But if you can live a full, content life without thinking “what if” then that’s probably what you should do.

@DeflatedGinDrinker

Having mine made me realise my partner was a cunt.

I echo this.

@DeflatedGinDrinker

It will be the hardest but most rewarding thing you do. If your marriage us not strong it will destroy it. Defo bloody worth it though 😆

And this is why you should consider if you really want children m.

Seems like you're happy as you are. I wouldn't risk it unless you really really really actually want kids?

If those admonishing the op for not returning had actually read the thread carefully, they'd see she has posted but under a slightly different username.