Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

She had a choice. She married a man with children. There's always a chance he'd get custody

Whilst this is true, its not reasonable to expect her to think marrying a man with children means that if they split up she still ends up doing his share of parenting his own children.

@JudgeJerry

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the replies.

So say I said they could come for tea every now and then, would you think it better to be ad-hoc, or scheduled i.e. every second Wednesday or something? I am so reluctant to schedule off my time like that for him but I do hear what PPs are saying about what's best for DC even if it ends up benefitting him.

I think that is a reasonable view, think what is best for you and your child plus the SC, don't think about it benefitting him as he just isn't the important one here. In fact however you do the list of priorities he is at the bottom.

I'd think if you go down the EOW that seems common then maybe have them round for the afternoon of the other weekend. It gives you and the children some contact but isn't going to be a massive benefit for him.

@lannistunut

Hi, this is very complicated for you

A possible route is to say to your ex and also direct to the DSCs that they are old enough not to need contact schedule but if they want to visit they would be welcome, the DSCs just need to ring you to arrange as would anyone else.

Presumably the DSCs will miss you, and you will miss them too? And the siblings will miss each other? What age are the DSCs?

I agree with this, I think it would be unnecessarily cruel to completely pull away from the kids given they probably are already suffering abandonment issues .

I continued to have contact with my step children when I separated from dh but the kids were older,I even took dsd on holiday with us several times but the was no arrangement for regular contact (we just stayed in touch and if they wanted to come over they could when it was ok to do so).

Your child will see their half siblings on days he has contact so there is no need for you to have regular contact with his dc but I would occasionally invite them over when it suits you (older dc can be handy at entertaining younger dc). You may find it will be much easier having them over now dh isn’t around, I found my dh was the issue and not the dc, visits when he lived here were awful because I was left to do everything while dh did nothing and we had different parenting styles.

I've recently split from my exH and had 2 SC (different mums). My situation is different but I've maintained irregular contact with the youngest SC (the older one abused one of our joint DC so no contact) it's been really good for all of the kids and I've enjoyed it more then I thought I would. Like you my ex left me to do EVERYTHING for all of the kids and I did develop a lot of resentment because of this.

I'd warn off doing supper he cooks unless it's a very temporary situation, I'm having to supervise the odd contact with my ex and it is awful. I hate being around him. But I guess it is good for the kids to see us trying out hardest to coparent.

I think the idea of once a fortnight/months supper is nice or the odd trip to the park or even taking them with you to visit your family on occasion if that is something you do. But only if it works for you. Don't do anything you aren't comfortable doing.

There's always a chance he'd get custody

I'm not sure what your point is, this isn't about him having custody or not, I never once complained (apart from feeling like I was doing everything myself!), that my husband had full custody of his children, that's not the issue. This is about post separation and what is reasonable for me to take on or not.

I am all for hearing opinions and have been open to many here but I really am not seeing the point of the 'You knew he had children' replies. Of course I did. There's no argument there but I'm not really sure of its relevance.

OP I wouldn't beat yourself up over the situation too much either - it actually says an awful lot about your character that this is bothering you as much as it is. There are a lot of people who would cut ties completely and wouldn't loose any sleep over it.

He needs to take responsibility for the arrangements. If you are now separated you have no obligation to continue the childcare.

@JudgeJerry

There's always a chance he'd get custody

I'm not sure what your point is, this isn't about him having custody or not, I never once complained (apart from feeling like I was doing everything myself!), that my husband had full custody of his children, that's not the issue. This is about post separation and what is reasonable for me to take on or not.

I am all for hearing opinions and have been open to many here but I really am not seeing the point of the 'You knew he had children' replies. Of course I did. There's no argument there but I'm not really sure of its relevance.

What do you think he would do if you suggested (as you mentioned earlier) about having the kids eg once a fortnight for tea.

What do you think he would like that to look like from his point of view?

I agree with @Candydreamer. It says so much about your character that this is on your mind.

Maybe keep visits short so they are just the fun bits and not useful childcare.

Re ad hoc Vs scheduled, I guess it depends what would work for you. I'd worry about easing back slowly as every time the visits space out more, it's another potential rejection for them. Once a month or once a fortnight for a couple of hours would be ample I think. Sign up to less than you think you'd want, so you can then go all in and do it with enthusiasm. They will get much more, emotionally, out of a well engaged hour a month than several days of reluctant childcare.

Siblings seeing each other should not be the driver. When parents split DC see each parent less but no one thinks that parents staying together is the right way forward. They will still see their half sibling week in, week out, just like children with shared care see both parents week in, week out. It will be different but it will be fine. You don't need to further facilitate their relationship with your child. Any contact you have with stepchildren is solely about maintaining the personal contact between them and you.

Maybe once a fortnight pick them up from school and their DF can pick them up after dinner. I think an agreed-on date would probably work better than having to have lots of "How about tomorrow, how about-?" texts.

The DF will find a new girlfriend sooner or later and palm their care off onto her, and then he may find it a headache that you are still involved, along with their bio DM, and pull contact himself. So I wouldn't bother making too much of a commitment when he could easily yank it away when his circumstances change.

Honestly, I’d tell him that you were not making any regular commitments and then just invite them on an adhoc basis as you want to. That could involve inviting them over for play dates with your DC, meals out, inviting them to your DC’s birthday celebrations, presents on their birthdays from you and your DC. But it should be driven by you and what you want to do and he should not put you under any pressure.

It would be lovely if you wanted to spend some one on one time with them as an interested adult, but don’t feel pressured to do that for childcare reasons.

At the risk of sounding like Tricia, oh those poor kids. Such complicated lives. Let's hope he doesn't go on and have some more with someone else. Horrible, sad situation.

Definitely ad hoc. That way things can flow and change as needed. You may want to start with a bit more frequent time with them and then taper back if you want to. But time with them doesn't have to mean full days or overnights. It can mean a walk around the block, a few hours at a park, or a trip to McDs. It's the quality of the time, not the quantity.

As far as him 'hosting' you for a regular dinner night, in a way that seems to be more about 'making a point' to him that the DSC are his responsibility than it is about you seeing them, iyswim. If he asks you to stay for supper when you drop your DC off or pick them up or issues an occasional invite, then fine. But nothing 'regular'.

At this point I think I'd just sit back a bit and see exactly what he has in mind rather that trying to 'cut him off at the pass' by offering anything. If he says anything more about a 'schedule' I'd simply say 'No, that won't be happening. What else do you suggest?'. Rinse and repeat.

Maybe once a fortnight pick them up from school and their DF can pick them up after dinner

No problem with dinner with us once a fortnight but I worry the school pick up is too much of a slippery slope.

Sounds really tough :(

If, now you are splitting up, his main aim remains to do as little practical
parenting and associated stuff as possible then it must be very disaffirming for what was your marriage/relationship with him.

For his dc though it sounds like they will be loosing a second mother figure and that isn’t your fault but only you can really fix it. Offering them something in terms of regular contact with you would seem to be the right thing to do.

Maybe he could fund a once a month evening out for you and the three dc full on pizza, cinema, lifts etc Could you reframe this as something that’s is ok and good for your own dc and ignore the fact he gets a child free evening? After all he’ll need to spend it ironing etc!

@JudgeJerry

Maybe once a fortnight pick them up from school and their DF can pick them up after dinner

No problem with dinner with us once a fortnight but I worry the school pick up is too much of a slippery slope.

And this is the key point.

The people critical of you for not facilitating something more regular in the children's interests are ignoring that, as things stand, you don't actually have that option. Because you're dealing with someone who feels entitled to co-parenting from you and has spent the last few years eroding your boundaries in respect of care for his DC.

Clearly it would be best all round if the situation would actually allow a regular arrangement that wouldn't be a slippery slope, but unfortunately that's not what you're facing here. If you enter into anything regular, you're going to be faced with attempts to escalate it, which will not be good for the DSC either.

Whoa. So you're divorcing him for taking you for granted... and he wants you to be unpaid childcare?

No.

No school runs. No dinners except the ad hoc one-offs that work for you. And that no no more than once a month, never on a schedule, always you initiating an invitation.

These children have 2 parents already. You are not one of them.

At the end of the day you can do whatever you want. They aren’t your kids.

@Howshouldibehave

I wouldn’t commit to anything at your house regularly-it sound like it would become an expectation from him.

Imagine if you said you’d do every Wednesday or every other one, @JudgeJerry. What do you think that would look like? How would they get to you? Would you be expected to pick them up from school and keep them till after dinner/bedtime? Overnight? School the next day? What if you were ill/away?

I just wouldn’t go there after what you’ve said about him using you. I think it would become an expectation you’ll resent.

Say you’ll come to his house for dinner once a month.

Sorry I'm missing people's questions but trying to answer everything I can.

I strongly suspect in his mind he'd be expecting continued help with school, hobbies, overnights, and all the rest.

To me, dinner once a fortnight would be him picking them up from school and dropping them off to me and him picking them up too although I wouldn't really mind dropping them off if necessary. I do know id have to be very strong with these boundaries though, I can certainly picture the 'im running late, could you grab from school instead' type phone calls already.

You could arrange to see the DSC occasionally - on your terms - but he needs to pay you the going rate for childcare for that time.
If you invite them for tea, that's YOUR grocery bill it's coming out of

No problem with dinner with us once a fortnight but I worry the school pick up is too much of a slippery slope

I agree and I’d be telling him why. Presumably he is fully aware why you’re separating from him, so this won’t be a shock!

HowshouldIbehave This is true of course .Not many Stepfathers would want contact after a split . Must we make ourselves into selfish women children though ? Just to prove a point! The OP is within her rights to not see them very much if at all.However we are talking about young children here, who seem to have lucked out with an absentee mum and feckless dad ! They love their sibling too .Just to ease their pain to make some arrangments ,so they can count on the one reliable adult they know and trust.

@JudgeJerry

Maybe once a fortnight pick them up from school and their DF can pick them up after dinner

No problem with dinner with us once a fortnight but I worry the school pick up is too much of a slippery slope.

I think the issue is very much that whatever you agree to becomes a slippery slope. Once a precedent is set of you doing a pick up once a fortnight suddenly it's easy to push to 'I'm running late from xyz could you pick up DC because school know you' and then they're at yours eating dinner.

I think whatever you do here needs to be on the basis of underpromising and overdelivering. You don't need to agree to anything relating to the step DC long term or in writing or as part of any settlement but you can reassure them that they are part of your and your DC's lives anyway. Ad hoc play dates are a thing (although I'm guessing with the 12 year old that won't be long term anyway) or popping round for tea. But nothing that counts as a firm, scheduled responsibility or formal parenting.

It's such a hard situation and I'm sure navigating it will be tough. But all you can do is ignore the guilt trips and remember why you're ending things with him.