Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

999 replies

JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:05

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Clymene · 17/08/2021 13:53

And presumably the OP's child is going to see their dad so the children can see each other half the week.

Peachee · 17/08/2021 13:54

Absolutely not! You are not childcare for him! You can remain amicable and your DSC can see you if they want to and you can be a good role model. As for taking regular care of them and putting a schedule in place I feel he is taking the piss. He sounds like he walks all over you and is still happy to take advantage when you seperate. CF!

PamDenick · 17/08/2021 13:55

Yes, you going to HIS for a meal once a fortnight is a brilliant idea. He can’t argue with that - contact but in your terms…

perfectstorm · 17/08/2021 13:57

Also, it would mean he could ask her in front of the kids to do X Y and Z - and she will have to say no, which will mean they feel rejected all over again.

And those who say just drop them, they can see their sibling with their father... that will harm the children. Their father's awfulness is already their problem and was never their responsibility. They have a relationship with the person who took almost all care of them - how is it right to say they don't deserve at least some consistent contact with that major, and perhaps primary, attachment figure in their lives? They're children and they will love their stepmother, even if she doesn't reciprocate, because she took care of them so long - when you're only 9 years old, 4 years is an absolute lifetime.

They aren't her kids and he has no right to expect parental levels of contact. But the children have a right to expect reliable and reasonably regular contact, while they adjust to their new lives. Their attachments need to be respected, and their needs considered, because none of this was within their control - and that is almost never true with adult relationships.

Walkingalot · 17/08/2021 13:58

Start as you mean to go on OP. The only thing you need to schedule in is your DC's visits to your ex, where he will see the DSC. Maybe have the DSC over for tea or to stay occasionally, if that's what you all want.

Howshouldibehave · 17/08/2021 13:59

I would really push back on this and say that you will not be having his children. He is trying to guilt trip you and that is why you are leaving the marriage-it needs to stop.

The only thing you need to discuss with him is his contact with your shared child. Is it going to be 50/50? I would refuse to discuss any other arrangements-say that aren’t happening and aren’t your problem to solve.

Is he moving out of your shared house? Are you? What’s happening regarding housing/maintenance payments etc? When are you separating and how?

C8H10N4O2 · 17/08/2021 13:59

IT's all very well saying they aren;t you children, but when you had them to live with you full time you accepted a large role in their life, of your own free will. You had a child that is their sibling. You can't just dump them because you're angry at your husband

They are not her children though. Why should the woman automatically pick up any responsibilities their actual father can't be arsed with. The whole reason she is divorcing him is because he won't step up and take his responsibilities as a father and husband. Unless she has adopted them they have two parents who need to step up and stop using a third party as a free nanny.

There is nothing stopping the children all seeing each other and having time together without the OP carrying the load for the two adults who are actually the parents.

milkyaqua · 17/08/2021 13:59

Definitely ad hoc.

Otherwise, any regular arrangement you make he will manipulate, and extend, and add on to.

Original poster
JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 13:59

It's an interesting idea, him cooking for all of us instead. I do worry that it would muddy the waters though for the children, especially ours who is younger, seeing us all having a happy family meal together regularly. And it wouldn't be very enjoyable for me either I must admit!

OP posts:
Clymene · 17/08/2021 14:01

Don't do the eating together thing. It's a terrible idea and they'll all be hoping it means you'll get back together

ApplyWithin · 17/08/2021 14:01

What a sad situation. I can’t help feeling those children will go through life with a sense of abandonment and rejection from more than one parent-figure. I can see it from your point of view. I would hate to be saddled with someone else’s children. But this is the life you chose.

Howshouldibehave · 17/08/2021 14:01

@JudgeJerry

It's an interesting idea, him cooking for all of us instead. I do worry that it would muddy the waters though for the children, especially ours who is younger, seeing us all having a happy family meal together regularly. And it wouldn't be very enjoyable for me either I must admit!
That is fair enough-don’t suggest that then.

Please stand firm on this. Say that you doing childcare for your SC isn’t happening so there is no need to discuss it, let alone argue about it. They will see their sibling half the week at his.

Fortheloveofgodwhy · 17/08/2021 14:02

If i was in your situation, I would be inclined to offer to see the DSC when you are dropping or collecting your DC, so maybe pick them up Friday evening, go for dinner, and then drop all 3 with your ex, so the DSC get to see you, them and DC as a unit in itself, you keep communication open with them, but you are not availing yourself as an easy option should he want a night off... maybe in the future you will want to see them more, maybe they won't want to see you at all. But i think completely cutting them off could be very damaging and they may not be your biological children but you chose to become part of their family unit, I don't think it is fair on them to completely walk away.

WetWeekends · 17/08/2021 14:02

I would say it’d be best for all the DC if the visits are on a set schedule, but that you make it clear to him you may need to change that sometimes. Kids thrive on routine and I think it’d be good for them to know when they’ll next see you.
I definitely agree that you need to say a hard NO to any school runs etc. I’d also not do any overnights initially, then if you decide to in the future, if the children ask for example, and you want to, you could have them stay over occasionally when it suits you NOT HIM!

CabbagesGreen · 17/08/2021 14:02

@Clymene

Don't do the eating together thing. It's a terrible idea and they'll all be hoping it means you'll get back together
Yes I agree. It needs to be clear to them that you are two families now
EmotionalSupportBear · 17/08/2021 14:02

i would consider the kids feelings in this.. their mum doesn't want to know, Dads feckless, the only fast, faithful adult in their life has been you for the past 4 years... i don't think i could cut my DSD off if i wanted to.. she's an adult, and i split from her dad 4 years ago, we still speak a fair bit.

I think you need to lay out the boundaries.. sort out your childs visitation with your Ex, then think about your DSC's.

Make sure its a hard NO to any 'parenting' so school runs and emergency childcare (unless you're ok with that in a real emergency), and no overnights. But commit to something with them, like dinner with you every other week, and maybe an adhoc weekend 'play date' together every so often.

You can, over time, as they get older, reduce it.. i can't see the 12yo wanting to do it for long tbh, but its about not abandoning them outright, its better to keep contact, and slowly reduce it organically as their bond with you fades through absence.

stayathomer · 17/08/2021 14:03

Long term if you don't feel an affinity them it's much kinder for you not to be around them at all but it'll be hard. Bless, tough times for all of youFlowers

frazzledasarock · 17/08/2021 14:03

OP can take them out as hoc if and when she wants she can have conversations with them when she drops her DC off to theirs.

Would posters here expect step fathers to be taking responsibility and having contact with their DSC?

DC Understand they’ll get used to it the cleaner the break is. It will be long and convoluted and painful if you make arrangements then chop and change them. The DC know OP is not their mother they love their mother. OP has been a soon if any adult in their lives and can continue to be friendly and chatty and treat the DC occasionally.

Making regular commitments is not the OP’s place.

Howshouldibehave · 17/08/2021 14:04

Would posters here expect step fathers to be taking responsibility and having contact with their DSC?

Exactly. Or childcare!

EmotionalSupportBear · 17/08/2021 14:04

and yes.. no to the eating together.. i haven't let my ExH cook for me once since we split, i have no objection to us getting fish and chips to eat in the park or somesuch.. but i don't eat at his house.

Plumtree391 · 17/08/2021 14:05

@JudgeJerry

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the replies.

So say I said they could come for tea every now and then, would you think it better to be ad-hoc, or scheduled i.e. every second Wednesday or something? I am so reluctant to schedule off my time like that for him but I do hear what PPs are saying about what's best for DC even if it ends up benefitting him.

This is such a difficult one for you all.

I agree you should not have to make a regular arrangement to have them at yours but I would take gentle steps and wait to see how your child copes with not seeing siblings.

It certainly sounds as though your good nature has been abused and your ex will soon realise how valuable you have been. However it won't be that long before the eldest will be doing their own thing.

The important issue here is not alienating your two step children who, though they may not see you as a mother to them, obviously think a lot of you and consider your home to be theirs.

I don't blame you at all, one reason why I would never have got involved with a man who had young children, but you have and are now dealing with the result.

Good luck.

ButteringMyArse · 17/08/2021 14:05

They aren't her kids and he has no right to expect parental levels of contact. But the children have a right to expect reliable and reasonably regular contact, while they adjust to their new lives. Their attachments need to be respected, and their needs considered, because none of this was within their control - and that is almost never true with adult relationships.

This all sounds great and is ideally the way it would work. But the problem is that in order for this reasonably regular non-parental level contact arrangement to happen, and to be sustainable and beneficial, both parties would have to be willing to respect the arrangement and boundaries. The information we have makes it quite clear that STBXH wants and feels entitled to parental levels of contact, and that he's spent years gladly shitting on OPs boundaries to ensure he gets her doing what he wants her to do. Whilst this is the case, it isn't actually within OPs control to establish an arrangement like the one you mention.

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2021 14:06

@Clymene

They came to live with their father full time *@Qwerty789*. The OP was already living there. And now she's leaving him because he's a lazy sod.

Why do women always have to pick up the pieces that lazy men drop?

She had a choice. She married a man with children. There's always a chance he'd get custody
milkyaqua · 17/08/2021 14:07

@ApplyWithin

What a sad situation. I can’t help feeling those children will go through life with a sense of abandonment and rejection from more than one parent-figure. I can see it from your point of view. I would hate to be saddled with someone else’s children. But this is the life you chose.
Oh, just what the OP needs - another guilt trip. She is not abandoning them. She is just trying to draw a line so that after her partner and she are separated she is not still responsible for his lack of parenting.
Nanny0gg · 17/08/2021 14:08

@frazzledasarock

OP can take them out as hoc if and when she wants she can have conversations with them when she drops her DC off to theirs.

Would posters here expect step fathers to be taking responsibility and having contact with their DSC?

DC Understand they’ll get used to it the cleaner the break is. It will be long and convoluted and painful if you make arrangements then chop and change them. The DC know OP is not their mother they love their mother. OP has been a soon if any adult in their lives and can continue to be friendly and chatty and treat the DC occasionally.

Making regular commitments is not the OP’s place.

If a stepfather has been a constant presence then yes I would.

The children should be put first