Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

@DeathStare

I think you are being really mean. You have been the mother-figure to those children and withdraw that relationship from them just because their dad is an asshole is a horrible thing to do to them.

She isn't their mother and she's been pulling more than her fair share for years now. Why should she take on extra responsibility for children that aren't hers? I think you're the mean one. Have a bit of empathy for the OP.

@JudgeJerry

It seems that you have been in a relationship from a v young age with a dominating and difficult (older) man

Yes this is true. That's what I'm trying to balance. I met him at 21, I was young and not very with it about the world in general, he was older and promised me lots of X Y and Z, sold me the story and all of that.

I am just trying to find a balance, I am finally at s place where I can see myself carving out my own life after having most of my 20s dominated by this relationship, I've worked hard to get the courage to do this and the thought of getting sucked back in makes me feel so sick. I want my life back and I want him in it as little as possible. I don't want to hurt anyone, it's just about finding the right balance.

OK now I understand better.

So yes, in this scenario yes I'd say no formal agreement and no committing to anything. He's used you totally.

The kids will see each other at his. Concentrate on setting up a good solid arrangement for him having your joint DC.

So he wants you to stay as the unpaid nanny. God no.

[quote Suspicioussam]@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop he got a well done for 'evading the step parent bullet' and never seeing his step son again that called him daddy for 7 years?
I see the point you are trying to make but that is brutal on that child and makes for upsetting reading and maybe isn't an example to follow for OP.[/quote]
I don't think OP should use it as an example to follow, I was merely drawing parallels between how men are treated vs women.

I don't think my brother DID have a responsibility but I did voice concerns about the whole becoming 'daddy' thing, and for this very reason.

@ToykotoLosAngeles

I don't agree that you should be seeing them "at least" once a week. What about the second stepmum, when she gets fed up after 5 years? Is it going to be you Tuesdays, her Wednesdays?

Exactly. And there will be a second step mum, there always is

I just want to clarify my previous post. OP doesn’t have to do anything. OP has no responsibilities.

It may be fun for OP and her child to have regular play dates with the half siblings. Or a sleepover. These would come with zero parental responsibility from OPs side and would just be some fun time. My children love play dates. If we lived closer, I would be happy to have their cousins over frequently (we live 2 hours away).

At the moment OP is doing childcare and parental responsibilities. It is crushing with timings, homework, teacher contacts, clothes, table manners, etc, etc, etc.

This would be completely different - and on OPs terms. And only if OP wants to.

I have no idea why people are calling OP mean, ultimately and frankly legally those children aren’t her responsibility. She’s not saying she hates them and never wants to see them again just that she doesn’t want to be drawn into a joint custody arrangement with children that aren’t even hers. Frankly who would? It seems like she did 98% of the childcare in the marriage and that’s one of the reasons the marriage collapsed.

OP I totally see what you mean re school runs, it’s not your responsibility. It’s his, if he doesn’t want to then maybe he should look into child care. But to be balanced I think it would suck for the step children to have no further contact with a mother figure who had been in their life for quite a while. Personally if it was me, I’d keep it very structured (with an understand that somethings come up and good lines of communication). I know OP you said you were hesitant to block your time off for him but from what you’ve written anything more ‘fluid’ could be a slippery slope or something he might take advantage of. I’d say maybe dinner or an activity (bowling, cinema… which he can at least pay half for) every other week. Again something quite scheduled that he says he will drop them off at so and so time and you take them home for such and such time so you don’t get taken advantage of. Just my thoughts xx

For those who believe OP should 'adopt' the children, please look at the practicalities:

She is in her late 20s and has been looking after children for most of her 20s. She works, but her career will have been restricted around the full time childcare she provided. So - not very high probability of her earning a 6 figure income or a large deposit for a house.

STBXH is likely tied up financially with her SCs mother, and not in a position to fork out for a house deposit for her or generous maintenance.

Therefore, OP is likely to be looking for rented accommodation. If she needs to provide bedrooms for 3 children, who is paying for this? She would need to step up her career for this, but then would not be available for the childcare required. Why should she work all hours to pay for a nanny for her own child and the SC too?

OP - you sound very caring - and thoughtful. Your very first post indicated your concern for your DSC. As long as you see them regularly, and you are consistently caring during that time (ie, such as the occasional but regular suppers some. people have suggested), your DSC will know that you are a consistent and reliable adult in their lives. And also, in time, that successful adult partnerships need to be based on respect and equality. Re school pick-ups etc, can you just message: 'I'm not free.' 'It's not possible.' Your ex isn't to know what classes you've arranged for your DC, voluntary work, employment, education.

I'd not formally agree to anything with regards you and contact for the DSC, can the courts do that?!

If you want to then sure invited them over for dinner, when you want to.

He could decide when someone else comes along to cut all contact with you so it prevents more heartbreak in the long run to manage expectations now. The kids have already dealt with their mother's situation. It's going to be painful for them whatever happens so best to get boundaries clear from the start.

@aprilanne

Sorry but what you plan to do is awful .you really intend to take your child and not give a toot for dsc.see them now and again .how big of you The children have been flung from pillar to post .and you are doing the same .its not about your twat of stbxh it's about not caring for young children who you knew he had when you met him .I would be mortified if my adult children behaved like that and posters saying yes it's fine not your problem. Yes legally it isn't but morally you are well in the wrong .the kids will miss each other but as long as your child ok to hell with other two .you should feel ashamed sorry but you should

Is this ever said to men in this situation? No Would a man just laugh at you if you said it to him. Yes.

Ok we are not men obviously but why one rule for women and a completely different rule for men.
I know a few couples in this situation/gonevthrough this and it's only ever the women that wring their hands and worry about the children. Men just walk away, every time.
It's not any womans place to sort out their life according to children that aren't even theirs.

Keep any contact ad hoc and on your terms. Absolutely no school run, no minding them, no scheduling anything or overnights.

If you give the selfish twat an inch he will take a mile, you know this! Please ignore the negative comments, you're not a nanny and you have no obligation to parent other people's offspring because they can't be arsed.

@MzHz

Letting him work this out, could be the best thing in the long term for him and his kids

I agree. His kids need to know they can depend on him. That he will always be there not palm them off on someone else.

Op I think you sound like a genuinely nice woman. You've done far more than a lot of people would have.

I absolutely would agree with pp who say to have the SC over on an ad hoc basis or take them out for fun days when you want to. No pick ups or drop offs - just don't get in to that at all, as it's not your responsibility and he will push for more. I also agree with calling the school and requesting your number be removed.

It sounds to me like you've got a good plan in your head and I don't think you're wrong for it at all. Ignore the knobs guilting you.

Your ex sounds like a complete arsehole.

@Sssloou

I can guarantee you now if you do agree to take on more than you are happy with, at some point down the line when your ex gets them a new stepmum, you'll be dropped like a hot potato and you'll be left feeling even more hurt, used and resentful than you do now.

Or worse - exploited further as he wines and dines his new GF with OP doing the overnights !

This in bloody spades. Pretty much guaranteed in fact. If their father hasn't stepped up to the plate by now, hes probably not going to. So a new woman willing to be the unpaid nanny will be found and soon. And the OP will feel even worse than she does now. I'm definitely for ad hoc times. Where OP just turns up and says right let's go out, and I'll have you back by 9 tonight. No overnights, no tea at her house until it's more settled and the ex gets a grip and learns to parent or gets a new woman.

YANBU. They are not your children. Why would you play mother to them and have them all the time so he can go off doing whatever he wants like he's been doing the entire of your marriage?

I think you offering to have them for the occasional tea is still far to kind.

OP is no parental responsibility the courts won’t be involved.

Even parents with parental responsibility and a biological link can’t be made to have contact with their children if they refuse.

I actually think it would be a good thing if SS got involved with the older DC. The STXH needs parenting lessons and someone ensuring he is parenting his DC properly and that they are safe and adequately cared for.

None of which is OP’s responsibility.

This type of bullying user is so way ahead of the OP.

He is already looking around for another victim and crucial to his grooming plan will be reliable, regular childcare, whilst he reels her in.

His type don't last 5 minutes without a partner to do the grunt work.

Remember how he reeled you in, all the promises?

This will be him within weeks of you moved out.

Agree to NOTHING.

I think I would tell him that you very much want to maintain contact with the stepDC and will invite them to tea/days out/to watch a movie together as and when it is convenient for you, but that you won't be pinned down to any specific schedule in order to contribute to childcare coverage. You are not their step mum anymore so that wouldn't be appropriate. This will be all about maintaining the best relationships between the siblings, not making his scheduling easier.

Some posters on here are an absolute joke and obviously live in the 50s when women were there to service the men folk!

OP is a young woman who has found herself in a shit relationship, in sole charge of two preteens because their parents can’t be arsed! She wants out and who can blame her! Yes it’s a shame for the kids but it’s not her responsibly, not her monkeys, not her circus!

The people who you should be mad at is the DSC’s mother and father, but no let’s all tell a young woman who wants to stay in contact with her DC she’s awful vile selfish for a not taking on formal caring duties and/or adopting them

@LanisHouseLot

I think I would tell him that you very much want to maintain contact with the stepDC and will invite them to tea/days out/to watch a movie together as and when it is convenient for you, but that you won't be pinned down to any specific schedule in order to contribute to childcare coverage. You are not their step mum anymore so that wouldn't be appropriate. This will be all about maintaining the best relationships between the siblings, not making his scheduling easier.

100% this - I’d tell him in no uncertain terms not to factor you in to any arrangements HE makes for HIS children as you will not be taking on any responsibility for school pick ups, childcare etc.

@Auntpodder

OP - you sound very caring - and thoughtful. Your very first post indicated your concern for your DSC. As long as you see them regularly, and you are consistently caring during that time (ie, such as the occasional but regular suppers some. people have suggested), your DSC will know that you are a consistent and reliable adult in their lives. And also, in time, that successful adult partnerships need to be based on respect and equality. Re school pick-ups etc, can you just message: 'I'm not free.' 'It's not possible.' Your ex isn't to know what classes you've arranged for your DC, voluntary work, employment, education.

This is just all too generous. She does not need an excuse to not do pick ups, she would be within her rights to laugh in his face at that conversation, regardless of whether it's possible. And "as long as you see them regularly"... she really does not have to do this. Occasionally is plenty.

There is a lot of 'doormatting' and 'doormatting by proxy' on MN at the moment, especially on AIBU and Chat, the biggest boards. It's a curious dynamic for a mostly-women's website.

There are some really good posts too, though. I thought that @ButteringMyArse's post of 12.34 was very liberating.

You need a clean break from your exH so that he has to take responsibility and parent his DCs. Once he has done that then it would of course be nice if his DCs came to yours for a meal once in a while, on an ad hoc basis, when it suits you. As you will be doing the cooking and clearing up for this event, exH should do the drop off and pick up.

Don't formalise anything, don't agree to anything that's on a regular basis (thin edge of the wedge) and don't do any school runs (unless there is a true emergency).

Once he's stepped up to the plate you can vary this to suit yourself and how your relationship with his DCs is progressing.

For now you need to focus on your own recovery from this marriage and your own DC, Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Such a difficult position to be in but I agree that he needs to parent his own children and not expect you to continue to do so. The idea of regular but unscheduled meals together (not with stbx) is a good one and I would make sure that when this has all been agreed that you both sit with the children to explain. This provides them with some clarity and manages both sets of expectations. What you don't want is him taking his frustration at you out on them - she left you blah blah..... It's important that the children know it's not their fault and you still are about them. Best of luck.