Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

@Millymog

a lot of ex husbands think they have some kind of right to insist on a family structure and cohesion between step siblings - which as you say inevitably means the ex wife has to do the legwork.

i think it is disingeous to say "for the sake of the children" they must keep contact with their step sibling - the first two children did not ask for the step sibling to be born.

It's also silly because this isn't a step sibling - it's a half sibling, with the same father. The way the children remain close as siblings is time spent under their shared parent's roof. OP recognises she needs to remain in touch with the other two - but she isn't their parent, and should never have been coerced and bullied and gaslit into being their unpaid nanny, either.

OP, I would strongly, STRONGLY urge you to do The Freedom Programme. It will help you set and maintain boundaries.

So, just to be clear, if the OP were to re-marry then divorce someone else with children, she would be obliged also to retain responsibilities for them too??? That would be a busy school run.

@Qwerty789

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

She didn't 'take on a role' it was forced on her because if she didn't take care of the kids no one else would

that you'll have the SC the occasional weekend to give him a break, because look any full time parent does deserve a break

I doubt anyone will need to give him a break, because he will just outsource his parenting to another woman - whether by employment contract or marriage contract.

And from experience, if she offers weekend contact to this man he will bite her hand off and she'll end up seeing his children more often than he sees his own youngest child. And possibly more often than he sees the older ones too...

All OP needs to say really is something like,

"When we divorce I will no longer parent X and Y. I still care about them, of course, and I would like to do some fun stuff with them now and then, but this will only ever be at my discretion."

And of course the three half-sibs will have regular contact with each other at the home of their common parent: their DF.

I keep coming back to this thread.

I think @billy1966 is right to be rejecting the idea of balance at this point. Balance is not the aim.

Think of positive influences in your life. As a child, were there any adults who had a real impact on you? My very best teachers I probably saw once or twice a week for a year or two - a tiny blink in the course of my whole life. My very favourite aunty lived in Canada and I only met her once every few years, but it was always amazing. Others have similar stories - the far-away grandparents or uncles they saw rarely, but who always made them feel special. This is what you offer those kids now, you give them an interested adult who builds their self esteem a bit. They don't need childcare from you, they don't need big chunks of your time. They would really benefit from small but very good quality chunks - I hope, small enough that you can enjoy them too. They don"t have to be frequent. Stand firm with your ex and stick to your boundaries so you can be the best "interested adult" you can be for those kids - but always in quality, not quantity.

What schedule has he suggested, out of interest? Have you asked him what he is wanting you to do? Want to see what he is expecting?

Personally you don't have to have anything to do with them going forward, they are not your kids and courts wouldn't expect you too. As you have said the siblings will see your little one when staying with dad. If you want to offer tea once a week, then that is all you need to offer, but if you feel you need to do more, again that is up to you.

@C8H10N4O2

I am just trying to find a balance, I am finally at s place where I can see myself carving out my own life after having most of my 20s dominated by this relationship, I've worked hard to get the courage to do this and the thought of getting sucked back in makes me feel so sick

I find it quite shocking that posters really use the DSC to hector a woman into staying trapped within the coercive relationship. These are his DC, they are also his mechanism of control.

But apparently if an abuser has DC women must suck it up and stay thereby modeling to the DC that this is what they should expect out of future relationships. The girls will learn this is what women must expect, the boys learn that this is how men behave. What a bright future for them all if they stay in the status quo.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

And OP? If he gets a nanny or, in time, a new au pair girlfriend, do make sure he is parenting your joint DC on contact and not leaving him to s stranger's care!

Thanks everyone, I am still reading. I was trying to keep up with questions but the thread has taken off a bit so just trying to catch up. I am definitely still reading though and taking everything in.

Can I ask those of you who feel
That the OP has a responsibility for the DSCs if they think that a nanny leaving a family also has a continuing responsibility.

OP has been, in effect, a nanny.

Try to see it that way and stop trying to guilt her into doing that which is not her responsibility.

Exactly @DancesWithTortoises

@aprilanne

Sorry but what you plan to do is awful .you really intend to take your child and not give a toot for dsc.see them now and again .how big of you The children have been flung from pillar to post .and you are doing the same .its not about your twat of stbxh it's about not caring for young children who you knew he had when you met him .I would be mortified if my adult children behaved like that and posters saying yes it's fine not your problem. Yes legally it isn't but morally you are well in the wrong .the kids will miss each other but as long as your child ok to hell with other two .you should feel ashamed sorry but you should

You're the one who should be ashamed for talking such sexist bollocks

I'm presuming @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop is a foster carer and doing it out if the goodness of her heart. After all she seems to think that morally it's the right thing to do

It's funny, my brother was married and had a step son who was 5 when he met him. Step son even called him daddy and they tried to get a name change so he shares my brothers name but his dad refused. When he divorced his wife when stepson was 11, he never saw him after he packed his bags and left, even though him and his exW had a 4yo son at this point.

Not a single person told my brother to stay involved in SS's life. No one said he should have him over for dinners or sleepovers, no one called him cold or selfish. In fact he got 'well done' a lot for evading that step parent bullet.

And this child DID see my brother as his dad.

I wonder what could possibly be the factor in why OP is getting grief and my brother didn't. What could it possible be 🧐

My last post was directed @aprilanne

Apologies @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

It would be one thing if your Ex was a reasonable person just looking out for all the children's best interests but it's obvious he's going to take the piss. I'd have some strong boundaries because you know he's going to go at them with a sledgehammer.

It might not be fair on the DSC, they might feel rejected but that's on him for his CF expectations from you

Well I’d say that the kind thing for the children would be to do the split slowly over the first month or so. Have them over a couple of times a week while they get used to the new arrangement and their dad gets his shit together. Gradually decrease things over time.
Let them know they can text or call you, and that you still love them.
Explain that there will be no sleepovers because it would be confusing for your younger DC.
Make it crystal clear to DH that this is HIS fault for putting his work above his marriage and children, the responsibility of being a father doesn’t just go away. Time for him to wake up and step up.
You will be seeing the step children on YOUR terms. You issue the invitations.

If the op's ex was a reasonable person, and was genuinely asking this in the children's best interests and not his own self gain, I doubt he'd be an ex.

This is a tough situation but I agree with the majority who say you need to step back. It’s clear you have basically raised these children for the past four years but the reality of that situation is that you did it because their parents were not doing it themselves. You haven’t elaborated on the situation of their mother but the fact she is absent means their dad has to step up and he unfortunately hasn’t done that so far. You have been there for them and I agree that you should look at having a relationship with them but that should not be one of a parent providing care. If I was in your situation and able to do so I would have them one evening for dinner each week/fortnight, ideally a set day for their benefit so they know what they are doing, it sounds like they have had a few upheavals already and although it would benefit their dad I would put that to one side as the benefit to them would be greater. I would be very clear that they can be dropped off at yours at an arranged time after school, don’t do the pick up unless you want to, and are to be picked up at a set time. I would be very clear that although you care for them it is unfair to both them and you for you to continue to be a parent figure when you have split with their dad. I would also stress that if their dad can’t stick to this agreement and either pushes you for more or doesn’t do as agreed that you will stop completely and stick to it. Blended families are tough when they breakdown but I really don’t think you should do any kind of care/parenting going forwards and I second what a positive said about removing your contact details from the school if they have them. Good luck going forwards, I hope you manage to sort this out

I think PPs telling you how you must keep caring for these children are deluded. The whole situation is legally fraught. You have zero rights to see these kids on an ongoing basis. When your STBXH remarries (as he inevitably will) he will likely decide to cut all contact in the future, and you will have to suck it up and deal with the emotional fallout for your child.

Yep.

This is a really significant point, and it's incredibly telling that none of the posters disagreeing with the OP and telling her she ought to do more, even the good faith ones, have properly addressed it.

We already know this is a controlling man who deliberately exploited a woman barely out of her teens, spent years eroding her boundaries and wants to continue doing so in order that he may continue indulging his workaholism. This means we also know he's going to want another woman appliance on the scene as soon as possible, and there's also a reasonable possibility he's going to want to punish OP too.

What this means is that OP is not able to facilitate a regular, ongoing, reliable arrangement in the interests of the children because her STBXH's behaviour and attitude will make it impossible. It is not within her power to make it happen, even if she wanted to. Because OP really is virtually powerless in this situation.

Should STBXH succeed in emotionally blackmailing OP into an ongoing co-parenting arrangement, it's inevitably going to be very fragile and vulnerable because he's going to want a new live in housekeeper and shag. He has already shown us that. He'll be able to snatch away any arrangement whenever he feels like it, with OPs only recourse to go through a potentially expensive and lengthy court process that may not even succeed, and will be able to hang this over her head and by extension that of the DC too. And this is not in the interests of any of the children concerned.

*pp not positive

I’m really saddened but not at all surprised to see some of the responses on this thread.

The op should be able to move on without being expected to factor the step children in to her life as if she’s their parent. I think it would be nice to stay in touch of course if she wants to, but when she’s planning everything in her life going forward it should be for her and her children.

When she’s planning her home, should she be doing a bedroom for dscs? No. And it’s this type of stuff that the op shouldn’t even have to be thinking about now that she’s not with their father.

Op, go and make a great life for you and your children That freedom will be liberating.

No one would expect a man to continue to see and care for his ex step children. Stop the 'be kind' message that results in women being taken advantage of.

OP do what you want to do, what is best for you and your child. If that means keeping an informal relationship with your step children then that's fine, but it's not mandatory and it isn't something you should feel pushed in to by their deadbeat dad.

Surely the children would much prefer an occasional relationship from someone that is choosing to see them than an enforced and resented relationship from someone seeing them begrudgingly to keep the peace with the father of her child.

You don't have a requirement to continue seeing the SC if you don't want to. You absolutely have no duty to pick up his child caring slack and I personally would recommend avoiding that as much as possible.

You have one child. Your ex has 3. It is his job to maintain the relationship between the 3 children, not yours. So when he has your joint child, that is when they spend time together.

Definitely no set formal weekly or monthly arrangement. You could have the sc when you want them over, not feel obliged.

And at least a month before you do.

Definitely worth an email to the school to tell them you are no longer with their father so need your details removing from the step childrens records.

@ JudgeJerry
Apologies if you already answered this but what are your DH’s proposals going forward ?