Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

You're being used for free childcare, for children that are not yours.
Tell him to jog on and leave him to it.
Lazy prick.

I put this question to my lovely dh and he said that if he were in your shoes he wouldn't do any care for the dsc or facilitate contact beyond your child seeing them at the dad's home. I mentioned it to my brother and he said similar. Why as women are we conditioned to feel responsible when we aren't?

Your ex sounds like he very much will take advantage if you agree to a regular evening a week, that will soon become you picking them up from school, feeding them, doing an overnight or drop off. What do you get out of this? At some point you might want to start dating again and having to schedule your life around dsc when you are no longer with their dad is bonkers. It is sad for all the children but it isn't your fault their mother has abandoned them and their father is a lazy arse. Be firm and state that the dsc can see your child when he has them otherwise you want a clean split which in the longterm is better all round. Don't let him guilt trip you x

OP I would not feel guilty about this it's not your fault their parents are shit! You have been the one holding it together in the first place and shouldn't have been.

It's time for their dad to parent them not you, if you do anything for him he'll take the piss again.

I would tell XH that there's nothing to sort when he asks. I would put it bluntly too with no wiggle room.

If you feel like having them for tea at some point then invite them but do not set a schedule!

He's a cheeky cunt and needs to parent his own kids for once!

@EarringsandLipstick

None of this is the OP's problemZ of children feel this way it's because they have a shit dad and it's very much his problem to undo the bad parenting he's inflicted on his kids

Totally true, but again, this brings it back to the adults.

The children have no power here, and need to be thought of above adult needs and wants.

Unfortunately that affects OP as well as their shit dad, but I do think it's wrong to just leave the kids to deal with the fallout with no concern for how it will impact them.

No, two children who are not her own should not be thought of above the needs of the OP. Anymore than I'd put the needs of my friend's children above my own

The op didn't choose to become the main carer for her SC. It was after she married her H that the children's parents saw the chance to offload the majority of their parental responsibilities on her.

All the people who want this to continue do not have the best interests of the children at heart. Surely most people would like the children to have strong parental relationships. If the op still parents them like a non residential parent, then this is depriving the children of their actual parents being fully committed to their children.

Op, give their parents the chance to step up and be the best parents they can be. That is what would be the best for the SC. You be the best mother you can be to your child. For that, you need to be in the best possible situation yourself. You can still have playdates and days out where the siblings can be together.

@Ducksurprise

I too would be interested in what the people saying you are selfish think you should do.

Do they expect you to have the SC the same amount as you have your own child? If so are both the step children's parents going to pay you maintenance?

I also don't understand how people can't see that the failure lies with their dad, firstly when they came to live with him he should have stepped up, he didn't. If he had done so you wouldn't be writing this thread.

Indeed what do people think OP should do?

Overnights one a week til they're 18? What happens when she meets a new partner and they have a baby?

Have SC in her will? Pay for Univeristy? Throw birthday parties still? Arrange sleepovers?

No. Clean break is the only solution here to be very clear about what everyone's roles are and where everyone stands. The above is not hard to do, their dad will have to learn it all

Yup. In comment to @AlternativePerspective the problem that is there, is for the FATHER of all the children to solve. If this was me, I would be asking for 50% / shared contact of the joint child to enable the continuation of the sibling relationship.
Not EOW because I can’t be arsed to parent my own children.

Last time I looked nearly every working parent I know juggles school runs/ pick ups/ child illnesses etc. This man is not absolved of that because he has a penis! It’s hard yes, but welcome the Graft/ military like planning precision every other working parent has to go to!

I can also imagine that he doesn’t want 50/50 because the Op’s child is much younger and that leaves him on the hook for school runs for an additional 5+(?) years. Whereas he is within a few years of his children being able to independently make their way to/ from school.

Staggering how much the man is being let off the hook repeatedly by posters and the onus is being put on the woman. So many backward thinking posters. Fortunately from the voting you’re all a small minority. But seriously? Christ. Could you all be more misogynistic in your thinking?

Sadly I think your husband will use every tool available to him (including his children) to keep you engaged and at his beck and call. If he cared about his children, you wouldn’t be in this situation. He would have made critical life changes to accommodate becoming a full time parent. He didn’t, that tells me that fundamentally he’s absolutely selfish and does what works for him.

This.

With knobs on.

He's a lazy, controlling *rse. Take them for the occasional day out (if and when it suits you), have them round for the occasional meal (ditto), even an occasional sleepover (IF you want to) - but don't get caught up in anything

a) regular
b) constricting
c) expensive

Everything on your terms.

@Alondra

Hey, if kids were going to be traumatised every time they leave a familiar environment why leave childcare to go to school? Why changing schools are all? Why moving houses?

Children cope with changes, which btw is fucking fact of life, because the love and care they receive from mom and dad primarily. It's not a responsibility for step parents, specially in this instance where the marriage has been short and the step children have never seen the OP as a "mother".

Some common sense.

Agreed. As a teacher i see every day the impact of parents being terrified to upset the children or inflict change on them, in the way they completely lack coping skills. It's damaging to do this and to minimise change in a situation that very much warrants significant change. Children are far more adaptable than we give them credit for

@Falleybollolo

I think you committed to the children when you committed to their father.

If course they will be devastated and rejected if you make no provision to see them on a regular basis.

And I say this as a childrens mental health profession and separated parent.

Do you advise women to stay in contact with coercive and controlling men? Counsellors should be wary of enabling abusers.

@EarringsandLipstick

This is ridiculous! Why should SHE facilitate it?! They have a DAD who is quite capable of ensuring the relationship between siblings continues - at HIS house. It's his responsibility, not hers.

Yes, it's his responsibility. But he's not doing it. That is awful & reprehensible.

But it's not the kids' fault.

It's not the OP's either. But I keep thinking of what's best for all 3 DC.

So the solution is rather than dad gives himself a kick up the arse, that OP has to continue to pick up the pieces?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

@MattyGroves

It's great saying 'think what's best for the children' but please, tell me what you think that is?

They are best off with their dad stepping up. If you continue to help, he will continue to try and leave it all to you and I don't think that's best for them. So I think they are best off if you step back for a while but do the occasional fun dinner or outing.

Yes, it's important not to enable his poor parenting by continuing to do childcare.

Maybe if he actually is forced into caring for his children he may even find himself doing a good job at it

If he won't parent his own children, then social services need to be involved to provide help to the family.

It's not on the OP to provide unpaid help.

They are NOT her children! She has no legal rights whatsoever, nor any legal responsibility! The only moral responsibility she has is to make sure her DC has contact with them. Meeting up with them occasionally to continue a relationship with them is very generous of her.

So to all the posters keen on making the OP feel guilty please just fuck off and leave her alone!!!

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood

Of course you are not awful. Of course you have to leave. But you did assume some responsibility for these children when they were very young and, as I think you have acknowledged, you can’t drop them entirely them now without it causing them some, potentially significant, emotional harm. You need to find a way to safeguard your mental health whilst mitigating the damage to theirs.

You have specifically asked what you should do. I think you should arrange a day a week when you collect/have your DSC directly from school and they stay overnight and you take them to school the next day. That way you are not at risk of him being late to pick them up and it limits your contact with him. If this is too much. Then similar arrangement, but once a fortnight. In the school holidays it’s a bit more tricky and there is potential for him to mess you about, but you could still keep the same day as before.

Best of much to you and all the children involved.

Everyone suggesting OP should take the children overnight - why can't the little one just go to their dad's that night? As an 'extra'? Why isn't THAT the solution?

@CatherinedeBourgh

OP, my parents had multiple divorces while I was a child. There is no way it is reasonable for you to continue parenting. You can and should continue ro have a relationship with the dc, on an ad hoc basis arranged between you and them as playdates. They are old enough to understand and you should make sure you make it clear that while you love them and wish to continue seeing them, you need your distance from your ex.

Same - my parents had 3 divorces between them, 2 with step children involved. We just didn't see them any more - we missed them but we were fine, that's life, I'd have found it really weird if either of my parents took on the step siblings after they split

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Haven't RTFT so apologies if this has been mentioned already but it seems his main priority is continuing the childcare, rather than what's best for his children.

If that's correct he needs to find a live in nanny or au pair (if these still exist post Brexit?) to take over what he sees as your childcare 'duties'. Whilst it's not your job to solve his problems anymore perhaps you could suggest that as an option?

Can I just ask at what point OP said her husband was coercive controlling or abusive?
I'm willing to accept if I've missed a post but don't believe she ever said those terms. She said she was naive and took on the role because he wasn't doing it whilst he worked long hours. I believe she was able to leave without any fear of doing so, is that right OP? Was he actually abusive or just lazy and took advantage?

Can we stop throwing those terms around. Just because a woman is left doing all the childcare whilst her husband works full time doesn't equal abuse. It changes the tone of the thread and the advice given.

@Qwerty789

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

WTF is wrong with YOU, thinking that the OP has to take responsibility for 2 children before either of their actual parents do?

Why don't you think the solution is - the dad steps up and ensures a relationship between all 3 DC is cultivated?

a lot of ex husbands think they have some kind of right to insist on a family structure and cohesion between step siblings - which as you say inevitably means the ex wife has to do the legwork.

i think it is disingeous to say "for the sake of the children" they must keep contact with their step sibling - the first two children did not ask for the step sibling to be born.

No, two children who are not her own should not be thought of above the needs of the OP. Anymore than I'd put the needs of my friend's children above my own

Totally agree with this. Insane to suggest OP puts her own needs below children who aren't her's!

I think you should start by refusing to do any parenting. No school runs, no having them while he's working etc.

That's because you need to break this expectation he has that his children are your responsibility not his. You can't do that if you are still making his life easier by taking care of his children.

That doesn't mean it can't change in time if that's what you and they want. But if you don't call an immediate halt you will find yourself the primary carer still, expected to do everything and the only difference will be you don't live in the same house.

He needs to step up, but he won't do that unless you step down.

You are not the vilest of vile monsters who ever walked the earth because you don't want to raise your exs kids because he can't be arsed.

Your head must be spinning, @JudgeJerry - how are you feeling?

Are you taking anything positive from the clearer-eyed posters and the voting majorly weighted, it seems (and rightly) in your favour?

Hold your line. 🌹

I think you have to be absolutely brutal or he will take the piss massively. I can see him landing you with the dsc as much as possible. What then happens when he meets his next partner? Do you still keep the dsc and he basically tries to get you to keep them forever?

Be hard on h8m, you have no obligation to see the dsc or care for them. Give him an inch and he will take a mile, you know it. Stick to once a week-if you want-but don’t allow him to beg favours.

I'm sorry to post again but I really feel for you. You have taken such an unreasonable battering on this thread. You come across as caring and articulate.

You are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You could easily meet someone else if you would like to eventually and maybe have another child. Your life (and your DC's) starts here.

If you were my child, I would insist on strong boundaries and I would put him straight. Your ex can do the leg work and drop the children around to have tea perhaps. Which he won't probably but it really isn't your problem.

You have enough on with recovering from this and building your life for you and your DC.