Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

I definitely agree that op shouldn't be committing to a weekly time for childcare for the DSCs.

I also think it's very sad for the DSCs, who after all are blameless in all this, to essentially be batted around between adults who don't want them. Lots of people love to talk about how it takes a village to raise a child, and the need for mental health support, but so many posters nevertheless are pushing for a 'clean break' from children. At minimum some kind of contact (even if not actual childcare) could make a huge difference from them.

And yes, I'd absolutely say the same for a stepfather who had been there full time for kids for many years, then separated.

I just said the relationship between the kids should be prioritised.

I agree - but it's up to her ex to facilitate the relationship between HIS children, absolutely nothing to do with the OP.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

You are so worried about him taking advantage of you that you are balking at any kind of care of DSC at all. That is understandable but not rational. Having an arrangement whereby you pick them up from school one day a week, give them dinner and he collects them is not continuing to be his slave. It does not mean you will be coerced into doing it all the time. I suggest you both attend mediation to put together a contact plan. You need help to get him to be reasonable. But don't throw the baby out with the bath water and refuse to do anything for the DSC.

OR their mutual dad could do this once a week with all his children. Why does it have to be at the OP's house?

Seriously people what is it actually going to take before people think the buck stops with a father?

@Lweji

In your position, my reply would be to offer to adopt the children, if I was expected to parent them. I don't think anyone would be happy with that.

It is perfectly fair to offer to have them over for, say, lunch, every month or so. Or invite them to a day out with your DC, but the ages are too different.

He needs a reality check on parenting. And, I think it would benefit the children, too, if he was forced to spend time with them.
Unless he finds another young woman to take over from him.

On the contrary Lweji, I think the parents would be absolutely delighted if OP did this - it would absolve them of ANY responsibility.

[quote ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff]@jozipozi31 No I won't 'pipe down', that's not how forums work.

You said 'You have to facilitate continuing contact for all three DC, in my opinion' and I disagreed. That's on the dad. People are allowed to disagree with you. [/quote]
Agree, I can't actually believe people think facilitating contact between the siblings should be the OP's responsibility and should take place at her house

@OverTheRubicon

I definitely agree that op shouldn't be committing to a weekly time for childcare for the DSCs.

I also think it's very sad for the DSCs, who after all are blameless in all this, to essentially be batted around between adults who don't want them. Lots of people love to talk about how it takes a village to raise a child, and the need for mental health support, but so many posters nevertheless are pushing for a 'clean break' from children. At minimum some kind of contact (even if not actual childcare) could make a huge difference from them.

And yes, I'd absolutely say the same for a stepfather who had been there full time for kids for many years, then separated.

Why weekly? Plenty of actual blood related, biological fathers only see their kids every other weekend. If that works, why does OP need to do even more than divorced dads?

Notice how he only wants to take his own child every other weekend, but OP should take HIS children more frequently?! Unb

'In my opinion', if the OP wants to cut the DSC completely of course she can, but from a totally selfish POV she will be hurting her own DC very much

How? How will she?
If their dad does a half decent job nurturing their relationship and ensuring they all spend time together (which should be easy to do) then they'll be fine. But if he chooses not to do this then it's the OP's fault WTA sexist F?

Controversial view but children don't always have to get a say in what happens to them post-divorce. Adults are allowed to make decisions on their behalf

Exactly. What if the kids say they like having the OP do everything for them and say they want to say with her for half or even all of the week. That isn’t their decision to make.

The OP is leaving solely because she has been used as an unpaid servant for years by her feckless husband-she is choosing for this situation to stop and nobody can tell her she is responsible for it continuing in any way, shape or form that she is unhappy with!

The responsibility for these kids needs to fall squarely on their dad’s shoulders now.

@DancingQueen85

You come across as being very cold OP. You've essentially been these kids mother figure since they were very young but you don't seem to have much love for them. If you did then you wouldn't be considering turning your back on them. You've asked what people would have you do. Well I would be putting the kids first. They aren't your biological children but having another mother figure abandon them at this stage in their development is likely to have a serious impact. Dinner once a week or once a fortnight just doesn't seem like enough, certainly initially. I feel desperately sad and sorry for these children.

@DancingQueen85 why should OP love them like her own? Why should she be the one to pick up the pieces that two shitty parents have left?

Cold - ha! She's raised them for 4 years and doesn't want to be unpaid nanny any more. The only cold people on here are the ones who think OP should no longer be an individual, happy person for the sake of children who are not her responsibility in any way

@mbosnz

I think it's entirely reasonable for a person, very courageously leaving a controlling and coercive relationship, to not allow any possibility of control and coercion continuing, by using the children as a potential lever/weapon.

I do very much feel for these poor children, who have drawn horrendous short straws in the parenting stakes. However, parental rights and responsibilities, remain with the parents, not the step-parent.

You are so brave OP.

Please do NOT try and find a BALANCE.

NO To FINDING ANY BALANCE.

Step away from his mess.

If you in ANY involve yourself in HIS children's care, you will be abused further.

He will just drop and run.

What would YOU do in that situation?

Social services would have to be called.

Do not get involved in his arrangements.

No balance.

No trying to be nice.

No being bullied.

Step away.

I WANT A CLEAN BREAK.

END OF.

Be sure that any schools are informed that you are no longer together and NOT to contact you.

He is a user.

Commit to absolutely nothing.

When you are finally away, you may want to take a real break from ALL involvement, so that he can organise himself.

This would be best for you and your child.

He is solely focused on him and what's best for him.

He doesn't care about you.

Just disengage and keep saying NO.

Perhaps you will have to involve SS if you feel children that are NOT yours are being forced on you.

Put him and his children on SS's radar.

Let him see you mean business.

@OverTheRubicon

I definitely agree that op shouldn't be committing to a weekly time for childcare for the DSCs.

I also think it's very sad for the DSCs, who after all are blameless in all this, to essentially be batted around between adults who don't want them. Lots of people love to talk about how it takes a village to raise a child, and the need for mental health support, but so many posters nevertheless are pushing for a 'clean break' from children. At minimum some kind of contact (even if not actual childcare) could make a huge difference from them.

And yes, I'd absolutely say the same for a stepfather who had been there full time for kids for many years, then separated.

The thing is, "the village" is generally comprised of willing, even eager people, impartial to the day to day parenting of the children and any complicated, toxic dynamics with their parent. What people fail to understand about step parents leaving awful, abusive situations is they are often not in that position anymore. They have been beaten down and made miserable for years due to these kids, their mental health has been severely impacted. When they need to leave, they need to leave. It isn't no skin off their nose to stay involved.

It's different to a grandparent or neighbour who helps out with the kids, they are unlikely to need a clean break. A step parent that has been taken advantage of for years, often will.

@OutOfTrousers

And presumably the older kids amuse and look after yours a bit? Not all bad?

And being facetious, in a couple of years time you’ll have DSC who could help out with collecting from school or watching your DC in the evening.

Take a step back and breathe. You play an important part in these children’s lives. You may not have thought you would, but the simple fact is (from what you’ve described) you do. Could you live with yourself if you cut them off?
Is the real reason you’re reluctant because of the children (or more likely) because it means more interaction with your ex? Soon your DSC will be able to make arrangements themselves. Would there be a practical day for you to take them in the evening or overnight? Don’t forget things will change as they get older and have more activities and studying to do.

I wouldn't let a 14yo and 11yo pick up my kids from primary school. Also who would even want to do that - OP would be doing what her ex did and using other for free childcare under the premise that "were faaaaaaaamily"

Amazing how all the “think of the children” posters havent once commented on their shared child and the fact that he only plans to see that child every other weekend. Apparently we only need to “think of the children” when it comes to women.🙄

@thanksforyourcommentrandomman

On the contrary Lweji, I think the parents would be absolutely delighted if OP did this - it would absolve them of ANY responsibility.

Sadly, I think this is true. 🌹

I think a clean break is needed FIRST, and then you can have some contact with the SDC once a fortnight or so.

If he tries to argue with you tell him that his behaviour is WHY you are taking this step, and his continued haranguing of you merely confirms that you're taking the correct approach.

OP I don't know if you'll see this, but coming out of an abusive relationship you need some space to readjust.
My advice would be to make a completely clean break, 2 or 3 weeks to get your head together. If you have someone who can be the go between for contact that is ideal so you literally don't have to talk to the ex for 2-3 weeks.
During this time you can breathe and actually think about what works for you, your DC and SDC. Ex's needs don't come into it at all.
After this break, when you have decided what you want, tell ex through email and be very clear about boundaries. Stand firm. Then talk to the SDC and their school. This will be a major upheaval for them, notifying school gives the school a heads up in case any emotional support is needed. Also if school are aware that you are now the ex-step mum, this takes some of the control away from ex when he attempts to have you collect kids from school last minute.
Good luck OP

@AlternativePerspective

I wonder how many men continue to do overnight care and school pick ups for their ex partner's kids? None I expect. And I wonder how many men would tell them they should? Bet that'd be none too. your point being?

Must these discussions always evolve into “men wouldn’t do X so women shouldn’t either,”?

How about doing something because you’re a decent human being and care about the welfare of your own children (I mean you in general not the OP,) Rather than turning it into some kind of petty contest?

Stop talking bollocks.

It's an entirely valid argument because these things are ALWAYS steeped in sexism.

The OP is a perfectly decent person, she's just not a walkover

Then talk to the SDC and their school. This will be a major upheaval for them, notifying school gives the school a heads up in case any emotional support is needed. Also if school are aware that you are now the ex-step mum, this takes some of the control away from ex when he attempts to have you collect kids from school last minute.

Definitely. I’m betting you are the primary emergency contact!

I guarantee a man like this will also be insisting on this set up for two reasons

1. He gets time off every week to date and have a life
2. The OP doesn’t

It would also explain why he expects her to have his children every week. And his child with her EOW. Tie her up in childcare so she can’t move on. Relieve him so he can.

This man is so beyond selfish. And I cannot fathom how poster are saying this OP needs to continue a relationship with her SC because their father is so appallingly useless and selfish.

Clean break OP. Refuse to have anything formal in place. Move out and get a lovely small 2 bed place for you and your DC. With some time and space hopefully you will join us on in seeing how appallingly you’ve been used.

@AlternativePerspective

For those saying “make a clean break,” think. About it like this.

Imagine you’re splitting from your partner and one of your children is going to stay living with you and the others are going to live with your ex.

Now imagine saying to your resident child “sorry, you can’t live with your brother/sister any more, but you can see them when you see daddy. No, I won’t ever see them again.”

And then saying to the other children, “you don’t live here any more, and you can’t ever see your sister except when she comes to stay with daddy. No. You won’t be coming here again.”

Now, posters here will argue that it’s different because they’re not all the OP’s children. But for the children it isn’t different.

All they will know is that they’re being split up as a sibling group, and that suddenly the adults are telling them they can’t see each other again apart from when the adults say so.

The children aren’t going to see it from the perspective of being half siblings, especially the youngest who has never known any different than these children being her siblings.

Bearing in mind they’ve lived together full-time. This isn’t an arrangement where they’re used to their half siblings coming to stay every other weekend or whenever. They’re a full sibling group in every sense of the word apart from biology, which to young children is meaningless.

People really think, that having had to get used to their parents’ split, children should just have to accept being separated from each other because the parents don’t want to see them again?

Once again: that's the OP's ex's problem to sort. Not the OP. He could sort it and mitigate damage very easily. WHY is it in the OP

Op I'm so sorry for your situation.

I'd also go for a total clean break to start as you don't trust him not to take advantage of your good nature & may say 'you'll be at school anyway etc'.

Be totally honest with him that you don't want to arrange anything regular until he has his childcare arrangements sorted out (& hopefully spend time himself with his dc) as you haven't seen him be responsible so far. Tell him that you will contact him to ask dsc to tea sometime & to please confirm to you childcare arrangements when he has them in place. You'll want to know if he's using childcare or not when he has your dc. Is money a plenty? Maybe a nanny is the easiest option for him. Good luck with it all

@MattyGroves

People really think, that having had to get used to their parents’ split, children should just have to accept being separated from each other because the parents don’t want to see them again?

Err, yes. It's not like they won't see each other at all - they will have EOW at their dad's plus a day a week at his as well. What's the alternative? The OP doesn't have parental responsibility for the step kids and her ex certainly isn't going to take his for longer

Exactly!! Sadly when parents split children suffer. Mine did. But in the long run they'd suffer more with 2 miserable parents in a tense household where MH is hanging by a thread. We can't always do what's perfect for our kids but we do what's best. And in the OP's case, her ex needs to do the best for all 3 of his children

OP,

@Bentoforthehorde makes a goid suggestion.

Email your decision to not be in any way involved in childcare going forward.

Tell him you will be informing the school.

Tell him the reason the marriage has ended is his complete refusal to be in any way involved in HIS children.

Tell him that if he attempts to dump his children on you at your new address you will be contacting the police and SS.

Putting this on paper makes your position clear.
Do it the minute you are out of the house.

This confirms that he has been informed.

You need to protect yourself from this man, at all costs.

I really feel for you, it's an impossible situation and I don't know what to advise.
I would like to share my experience of my mother and stepfather separating though.

I had a very close relationship with my half brother and it literally felt like he was ripped away from me. My DB was a huge part of me and when we went from living together full time to adhoc visits I felt bereft. It damaged our bond and we now don't have much of a relationship at all. It has had a profound effect on my life.