Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

@aprilanne

Sorry but what you plan to do is awful .you really intend to take your child and not give a toot for dsc.see them now and again .how big of you The children have been flung from pillar to post .and you are doing the same .its not about your twat of stbxh it's about not caring for young children who you knew he had when you met him .I would be mortified if my adult children behaved like that and posters saying yes it's fine not your problem. Yes legally it isn't but morally you are well in the wrong .the kids will miss each other but as long as your child ok to hell with other two .you should feel ashamed sorry but you should

Why are there two sorrys in this post? You're not sorry at all that you're putting the boot into a young woman who is trying to get out of an abusive relationship.

OP i can understand why you're reluctant to fix arrangements but i do honestly think routine is the best thing here for all the children.
So if your dc is going to their father's EOW, then one meal on the alternate weekend should be the SDC to yours. Say sunday evening?
then back to dad's for bedtime.

that way the children see each other weekly and you see the SDC fortnightly and you avoid any involvement with the school. as you don't have PR you shouldn't be expected to liaise with the school and the school shouldn't be treating you as a parent re. confidential stuff etc.

I know the fortnightly Sunday evenings may start to feel a bit like a prison, but if you're strict with the routine and boundaries you don't need to worry about ad-hoc approaches on the other 13 days out of 14. I would strongly advocate routine for this reason (and because children flourish on it)

@JudgeJerry

It seems that you have been in a relationship from a v young age with a dominating and difficult (older) man

Yes this is true. That's what I'm trying to balance. I met him at 21, I was young and not very with it about the world in general, he was older and promised me lots of X Y and Z, sold me the story and all of that.

I am just trying to find a balance, I am finally at s place where I can see myself carving out my own life after having most of my 20s dominated by this relationship, I've worked hard to get the courage to do this and the thought of getting sucked back in makes me feel so sick. I want my life back and I want him in it as little as possible. I don't want to hurt anyone, it's just about finding the right balance.

Well done, @JudgeJerry, on having the courage to come to the decision to carve a better life for yourself and, by extension, your child. I have to say, when I read your earlier posts, I wondered whether you were a much younger spouse to someone much older who was perhaps in need of someone compliant to run his household.

I do agree that having a clean break, at least initially, would probably be right for you so you don't start your future life, post separation/divorce, already bound with extra responsibilities which you may find even harder to get out of as your separate work/life requirements change. As some PP's have said, there's nothing to stop you (unless your STBXH cuts you out/finds a new woman to mould how he wants) meeting your DSC on an informal and ad hoc basis when YOU are ready and in your terms. 🌹

@aprilanne

Sorry but what you plan to do is awful .you really intend to take your child and not give a toot for dsc.see them now and again .how big of you The children have been flung from pillar to post .and you are doing the same .its not about your twat of stbxh it's about not caring for young children who you knew he had when you met him .I would be mortified if my adult children behaved like that and posters saying yes it's fine not your problem. Yes legally it isn't but morally you are well in the wrong .the kids will miss each other but as long as your child ok to hell with other two .you should feel ashamed sorry but you should

OP hasn't revealed details of any plan so how do you know what she plans to do specifically?

You're under no obligation, moral or legal, to continue to provide unpaid childcare for your ex.

For all those saying what about the effect on SDC, you've essentially been acting as an unpaid nanny for the past 4 years. You're not their parent. Nannies leave and children get over it.

If you do end up doing childcare for him, charge him the going rate for a nanny in your area (£12-15 per hour round here).

You're feeling guilty for the SC not seeing your child as often but he isn't feeling guilty and offering to have your child more often to not break the children up. Don't take all the responsibility for their bond on your shoulders. You're also feeling guilty for not seeing your SC as often but he also isn't feeling guilty for not seeing his and your actual child as often. He basically wants you to do for your SC what he isn't willing to do for any of his children. I would put the ball in his court and let him know he has the option to have your child for extra tea times to keep that bond together and that you'll have the SC the occasional weekend to give him a break, because look any full time parent does deserve a break. But don't take on any more than that.

It's completely natural for this relationship to decline and even stop completely if it's not something you want to hold on to. I wouldn't do more than say dinner once a fortnight. But no more, and you need to be firm on that and not allow any "just this once". Your STBEXH sounds very much like a "give him an inch and he'll take a mile" kind of man. It would be ludicrous for you to be doing overnights and school runs.

I feel so sorry for those kids. It's not about who's kids they are. Posters saying 'they're his kids, it's his responsibility' that doesn't change the fact that these kids are going to be devastated. It is only humane to maintain some kind of contact after the separation. OP did choose to play a very active parenting role in these kids lives. She could have left at any time so there is a responsibility to those kids emotionally. Yes legally she can just walk away but that's immoral in my opinion.
Once a week dinner seems fair. All the children get to see each other including your own DC. They won't feel abandoned. Don't agree to any additional days. If it isnt working or he keeps pushing for more then you may need to walk away completely but at least try for the kids sakes.

@JudgeJerry I’m not sure if this has been mentioned yet but you need to consider what you will do when you get the inevitable phone call from the school saying the 9 year old hasn’t been collected and neither parent are answering their phone. If I were you, I would tell both schools to remove your contact details or to only call you if it’s the type of genuine emergency involving a hospital trip or whatever level of involvement you want. I agree with the pp who suggested moving away from the area, so that you are not so available.

A worst case scenario to also consider is what will happen if social services become involved? If your stbx and the DCs mother are as bad as you say, it’s a distinct possibility. Hopefully, your stbx will step up and be a parent but you need to be aware that not everyone does.

Don't listen to the judgey people. They don't live your live.

I wouldn't commit to once a week. You're very young and have a life of your own to live.

Make it once a month or something like that.

I would put the ball in his court and let him know he has the option to have your child for extra tea times to keep that bond together and that you'll have the SC the occasional weekend to give him a break, because look any full time parent does deserve a break

I know a couple of amazing single parents who deserve a break but never seem to get one-certainly not from their DC’s dad!

Ignore people telling you you’re being horrible, OP-you am really aren’t. I have thought about this more and I wouldn’t be committing to anything regular because it doesn’t sound like you can trust your ex not to take advantage.

The three kids can all see each other regularly every weekend and once in the week for dinner at the dad’s house. Let him/you move out and get into a routine for that for a few weeks. Let him get childcare established around school that doesn’t involve you.

Only THEN I would decide what I wanted to do. If he moans that the children need to see their SS more, then he can do another night.

When are you/he moving out? Is it soon?

Don't help with the steps - he can find another mug of a woman to do that work for him. He has quite a cheek.

Why you speak to your solicitor about finances ask them about the "child of the family" rules as if you have paid towards the step children you might have to continue doing so. i know someone who was paying for the 2 step children to board at Millfield on about £60k a year school fees and had to continue to do that after the divorce even though they were not that person's children.

@Peppapigforlife

You're feeling guilty for the SC not seeing your child as often but he isn't feeling guilty and offering to have your child more often to not break the children up. Don't take all the responsibility for their bond on your shoulders. You're also feeling guilty for not seeing your SC as often but he also isn't feeling guilty for not seeing his and your actual child as often. He basically wants you to do for your SC what he isn't willing to do for any of his children. I would put the ball in his court and let him know he has the option to have your child for extra tea times to keep that bond together and that you'll have the SC the occasional weekend to give him a break, because look any full time parent does deserve a break. But don't take on any more than that.

I totally agree with you on all of this except having them for the occasional weekend (unless she would enjoy that). That's a huge ask! Most single parents do not get to have other people watch their kids for an entire weekend, with good reason.

and that you'll have the SC the occasional weekend to give him a break, because look any full time parent does deserve a break. But don't take on any more than that.

This is hysterical - he has had a break from his DCs for 8 years at least to date by targeting, grooming, exploiting and gas-lighting a vulnerable much younger woman to care for his DCs. I suspect that the first wife found herself in a similar situation.

[quote Fizzbangwallop]@JudgeJerry I’m not sure if this has been mentioned yet but you need to consider what you will do when you get the inevitable phone call from the school saying the 9 year old hasn’t been collected and neither parent are answering their phone. If I were you, I would tell both schools to remove your contact details or to only call you if it’s the type of genuine emergency involving a hospital trip or whatever level of involvement you want. I agree with the pp who suggested moving away from the area, so that you are not so available.

A worst case scenario to also consider is what will happen if social services become involved? If your stbx and the DCs mother are as bad as you say, it’s a distinct possibility. Hopefully, your stbx will step up and be a parent but you need to be aware that not everyone does.[/quote]
So if SS do become involved what do you expect OP to do about that? Take on the children full time?

Yes she fucking did choose it!
I've already said what she should do: put the needs of the children (all of them, including her own) before her petty squabbles with her husband. Think of them and their feelings.
You know, like a normal parent, and in fact human being?

This makes sense directed at their dad. Who did choose it, who is their parent.

I wonder if there are huge threads on Dadsnet with men telling other men they need to step up and parent their ex step kids.

I think it’s a very difficult dynamic to understand, I don’t think there are many step-mums who have the full time ‘mum’ role.
I appreciate that OP’s DH is at fault but it’s not as simple as some situations where the step mum sees DSC every other weekend, she’s their rock, she’s their day in day our mother figure.

In our family it would turn DSC world upside down if me and my DC were to leave. I couldn’t / wouldn’t just walk away from THEM even if I had to explain to a new / future partner that I still had involvement with them. They are as much a part of my family as my own DC.

None of this is OPs fault and she deserves to put her mental health first but I really do think the DScs feelings need to be a high priority in all of this.

I find it mildly disgusting based on the OPs most recent update that there are still posters (looking at you @Qwerty789) that are suggesting OP chose this or that she should essentially stay trapped in the routine of being used and abused by this man.

Well done btw OP for having the balls to leave, a lot of people stay in bad relationships so I applaud you for recognizing that you are worth more. Every time you update I feel more strongly that a clean break is the best thing for all of you, shock, yes even for the children who will maintain a sibling relationship when they are all with THEIR father, the common parent here.

There comes a point OP where you have to put yourself and your own DC first. You've spent years being basically forced into mothering someone else's children, it sounds like that is one of the main reasons you are splitting with him, why on earth would you allow the situation to continue post split - splitting would be pretty much pointless!

It's perfectly possible for you to facilitate a relationship between the children by having them over for the odd day, taking them all out together on day trips etc - like you would do with cousins or friends' children.

It is a huge shame for these children that their own mother is useless and their dad isn't much better - but it isn't your problem and it isn't your fault. You can continue to be a caring adult presence in their life without doing any parenting.

I can guarantee you now if you do agree to take on more than you are happy with, at some point down the line when your ex gets them a new stepmum, you'll be dropped like a hot potato and you'll be left feeling even more hurt, used and resentful than you do now.

I think dinner once a fortnight sounds plenty. You need to cultivate a firm no to any other requests!

worst case scenario to also consider is what will happen if social services become involved?

I've no idea what I'd do, I can't even think about that.

I would tell both schools to remove your contact details or to only call you if it’s the type of genuine emergency involving a hospital trip

But she will have no parental rights, the school may as well call me to take them to hospital. And as for the pp who suggested that op should have them once a month to give their dad a break, honestly give me fucking strength.

I can guarantee you now if you do agree to take on more than you are happy with, at some point down the line when your ex gets them a new stepmum, you'll be dropped like a hot potato and you'll be left feeling even more hurt, used and resentful than you do now.

Or worse - exploited further as he wines and dines his new GF with OP doing the overnights !

It is difficult and there is no easy answer. The children must come first BUT on your terms. If it was me I would sit down with the DSC and chat honestly and openly. They have already lost one mum they are in theroy losing another. That is the way they will see it. They need to know you are not rejecting them. You are very young OP and hats off to you for stepping up when you had to.
I would have no set plan of visits, I would invite them round whenever it suits you and tell them if they feel like they would like to see you then to let you know and they are welcome. That way you and the children and making the rules not your EXDH who will abuse them.
Good luck 🍀

Shit @Qwerty789 are you the husband?? Or maybe the DSC Mother??

The ridicule you are getting OP is totally out of order. Maybe it’s time their actual mother steps up here?!! Il bet she’s not getting this kind of abuse!!!
I do however agree that contact with DSC is necessary on the odd occasion (obvs your DC will also see them whilst having contact with ExH) and once you are living apart you may feel so much better in yourself and you may feel that having them for a sleepover once in a while is acceptable (and your own DC may love this too) Once they become teens I suspect contact will dwindle anyway (although I appreciate that’s a few years off yet).

I’ll bet that if OP was a man he wouldn’t feel pressure in having to continue to co-parent his ExWifes children!!