Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work)

He is still trying to do this; basically guilting you into providing free childcare.

See his DC when you want to. I'm sure they would love to maintain some kind of relationship with you and your DC, but perhaps they won't. Time will tell.

But don't let him make a mug of you.

Also ignore all the goady posters.

Qwerty is in la la land.

You have zero responsibility for those kids. Just set boundaries your are comfortable with that focus on the siblings relationships together. Your relationship will be maintained as a secondary outcome, as their siblings mum, but centre the their relationship in your planning. That's it.

Can I ask those of you who feel
That the OP has a responsibility for the DSCs if they think that a nanny leaving a family also has a continuing responsibility.

OP has been, in effect, a nanny.

Try to see it that way and stop trying to guilt her into doing that which is not her responsibility.

Don't seek a balance OP. You will end up getting sucked back in. Protect yourself.

I am just trying to find a balance, I am finally at s place where I can see myself carving out my own life after having most of my 20s dominated by this relationship, I've worked hard to get the courage to do this and the thought of getting sucked back in makes me feel so sick

I find it quite shocking that posters really use the DSC to hector a woman into staying trapped within the coercive relationship. These are his DC, they are also his mechanism of control.

But apparently if an abuser has DC women must suck it up and stay thereby modeling to the DC that this is what they should expect out of future relationships. The girls will learn this is what women must expect, the boys learn that this is how men behave. What a bright future for them all if they stay in the status quo.

Ignore the guilt tripping posters. 91% of the vote is in your favour - don't be swayed by a vocal minority.

To those people saying OP chose this, she fucking didn't! The children didn't live with them full time at first, OP probably had no idea that that would happen and when it did, she had absolutely no choice to step up because their fucking useless mother or father didn't.

As the OP has requested, I'd love to hear what @Qwerty789 and @sadlynotme think she should do?

@billy1966

OP,

He targeted you and used you as a skivvy and au pair.

They are HIS children.

He is a user.

He wants to continue to use you for free childcare.

Commit to absolutely NOTHING.

I mean it.

Commit to NOTHING.

He has never parented his children and he has never cared about you.

All he cares about someone doing childcare and not him.

You are leaving him and HIS children.

This is hard on the children but they have two parents and you sacrificed 4 years doing everything.

Move out asap if you can to a small two bed.

Agree to nothing.

Do not allow him to bully you.

He wants to use you for the next 4 or 5 years.

You do not want to tie your future to this man any longer.

Once you have left completely THEN you can decide on what contact you think is best.

But DON'T commit in any way to be his au pair any longer.

Well done for finally standing up for yourself.

Stop doing anything now so that he steps up.

Get out before school starts.

Leave him to it.

He is just a user.

Another one agreeing with this post.

Don't let him continue to use you OP and don't agree to anything.

Saying you'll see them as and when is perfectly fine.

What's the point of leaving if you agree to do the same things as you would living there?
Practice saying no.
From what you have said I expect as soon as he realises the coercion won't work this time he will be downloading the dating apps and searching for his next live in nanny/housekeeper gf. Don't be surprised if she's as young as you were too, and they end up having a baby.

This is tough for you all. I think you should arrange with him that they come for tea one night a week and keep it at that. I think they'd like to see you and Im sure you will still love to see them, just not having to do the practical parenting part. it's going to be very, very difficult for them at first. Your ex allowed you to fill the parental role, and as time has gone on its forgotten they aren't your kids. He has to step up here and don't let him bully you.
I have personal experience of this watching my sister go through similar and you need to put the kids first and be very careful.
My sister married a man with 2 kids who were 4 and 7 at the time. Their mother then died. So obviously the kids then lived with their dad and my sister full time. This went on for 10 years and then my sister left and has never seen them again. We kept in contact as the kids were my parents first grandchildren, albeit step grandchildren, but there were bonds there. My sister leaving on top of their mother's death completely messed both kids up. She never saw then again, not even once. This was dispicable on her part as the kids were an innocent party.

You know, like a normal parent, and in fact human being?

She isn't the parent.

She is in a coercive relationship.

redpill is thataway -->>>>

@Qwerty789 what you've repeatedly been asked (by the OP and others) is in practical terms, in specifics what is it that you think the OP should do - not 'think of the children' but actually practically what should she do - once a week dinner, sleepover three nights a week, one week on/off - until you actually answer those questions then you're just virtue signalling to your hearts content

Seriously OP, ignore Qwerty and listen to the rest of us. Do not commit to any childcare (and especially not school runs or overnight stays). Please put yourself and your own child first in this.

If you agree to a fixed once a week, it’ll get pushed to 2x a week, on weekends etc and soon you’ll be back to square one with none of the benefits of being divorced from a lazy arse co-parent.

So “yes of course I’ll still have them over to see the dc, but on an and and when basis, not fixed, and not to be factored in as part of your childcare”

“I’ve done my job as skivvy/au pair, your job to be a parent starts now”

@JudgeJerry

It seems that you have been in a relationship from a v young age with a dominating and difficult (older) man

Yes this is true. That's what I'm trying to balance. I met him at 21, I was young and not very with it about the world in general, he was older and promised me lots of X Y and Z, sold me the story and all of that.

I am just trying to find a balance, I am finally at s place where I can see myself carving out my own life after having most of my 20s dominated by this relationship, I've worked hard to get the courage to do this and the thought of getting sucked back in makes me feel so sick. I want my life back and I want him in it as little as possible. I don't want to hurt anyone, it's just about finding the right balance.

Keep listening and being attentive to your gut feelings.

You now know you were targeted, groomed, gas-lighted and exploited - and you know this character will continue to abuse you in this way given any opportunity.

Well done for seeing the light, for getting out.

Keep going and don’t look back. You will have a v difficult time even when divorced from him around access with your own child - because he will continue to be obtuse and contrary - you need to be ready for this huge task on its own.

Be proud that you are getting out - with characters such as him you need extra wide / high / deep / strong boundaries. You need to be one step ahead of all of the stunts he will pull. Make sure you have a top lawyer.

Sorry but what you plan to do is awful .you really intend to take your child and not give a toot for dsc.see them now and again .how big of you
The children have been flung from pillar to post .and you are doing the same .its not about your twat of stbxh it's about not caring for young children who you knew he had when you met him .I would be mortified if my adult children behaved like that and posters saying yes it's fine not your problem. Yes legally it isn't but morally you are well in the wrong .the kids will miss each other but as long as your child ok to hell with other two .you should feel ashamed sorry but you should

For what it's worth OP I don't think you come across as cold, you're overwhelmed and trying to get away from him whilst limiting the damage to your own DC and yourself.

That said, he's in your life anyway seeing your own DC so you can't cut him out even if you wanted to. Whilst it's not your job to facilitate contact between the children I do think, at least initially, that a contact schedule might benefit you all.

If it was me I'd suggest that every other Saturday or Sunday they spend the day with you. That way you're keeping away from the school pick ups, and the contact is fixed, so your ex can't push for more or guilt trip you that you've cut them out.

I know it's hard when you feel used, but this isn't about benefiting him, it's benefiting the children and you, so that when you look back you know that you did things the right way.

@aprilanne

Sorry but what you plan to do is awful .you really intend to take your child and not give a toot for dsc.see them now and again .how big of you The children have been flung from pillar to post .and you are doing the same .its not about your twat of stbxh it's about not caring for young children who you knew he had when you met him .I would be mortified if my adult children behaved like that and posters saying yes it's fine not your problem. Yes legally it isn't but morally you are well in the wrong .the kids will miss each other but as long as your child ok to hell with other two .you should feel ashamed sorry but you should

Stop embellishing, OP has never said she doesn't give a toot and you're forgetting that they aren't her children and no, she didn't know that they would be living with them full time when she met him. Why aren't you angry at their actual parents instead of OP, who is trying to find a solution?