Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

OP,

He targeted you and used you as a skivvy and au pair.

They are HIS children.

He is a user.

He wants to continue to use you for free childcare.

Commit to absolutely NOTHING.

I mean it.

Commit to NOTHING.

He has never parented his children and he has never cared about you.

All he cares about someone doing childcare and not him.

You are leaving him and HIS children.

This is hard on the children but they have two parents and you sacrificed 4 years doing everything.

Move out asap if you can to a small two bed.

Agree to nothing.

Do not allow him to bully you.

He wants to use you for the next 4 or 5 years.

You do not want to tie your future to this man any longer.

Once you have left completely THEN you can decide on what contact you think is best.

But DON'T commit in any way to be his au pair any longer.

Well done for finally standing up for yourself.

Stop doing anything now so that he steps up.

Get out before school starts.

Leave him to it.

He is just a user.

It seems that some posters think that after the divorce, the OP should see her SC more often and do more for them than her ex should see and do for his actual DC.

How can that be right?

Keep repeating NO, I WANT A CLEAN BREAK.

On a loop.

Do NOT rent anywhere big.

This is a bully that will think nothing of dumping his children on you as he tries to land another MUG.

@NewlyGranny

OP, do not sign up to anything regular! He is an entitled, exploiter by the sound of it.

Tell him and the children's DM that you don't want to lose touch with the DSC you know so well, so you will be inviting them over to visit now and then when it's convenient for you and your DC.

Make sure you are clear that it will not be regular, nor will it ever be at their request. It will be social visits, not childminding duties. They need to know not to build you into their childcare routine, nor to call on you in an emergency.

That way you are friendly and kind but not burdened or committed. No family court would ever mandate contact with what are now in fact ex-stepchildren.

This 100%

Agree to see them, but on your terms, make it clear you’re not a childcare option but of course there will be some invitations once you’re settled etc, and of course the default parent now is him a s he can and will have to arrange contact on his time/weekends etc.

Commit to NOTHING

He needs to know that HE needs to do his parenting, and maybe- just maybe- it’ll sink in that perhaps there’s a link with why he’s divorcing…

OP, I haven’t read the whole thread but have you considered that you don’t have to be the parent here? You have no parental responsibility…at all!

You can have them once a week for dinner, maybe sleepover. I probably would, my children are those ages and I would like the company of siblings for my own child.

You can be the “fun” person. Dinner is pizza, they can watch TV, actually you can have a TV dinner and watch a film you also want to see (I have watched many fun films with my children). If everyone behaves, there will be hot cocoa with cinnamon buns before feb time.

You don’t have to check any homework. You can all have just a good time, if they are good they can have pancakes/coco pops/French toast for breakfast and then off to school, hopefully on time.

They are old enough to understand that you now tell them that you don’t have parental responsibility. That you are not getting involved in any “must” things. And that the only reason you are doing it is so that you all have some fun.

And any requests for any additional time or any parental responsibility (pick up, homework supervision, doctors appointments, child care, etc) should be met with a NO.

@billy1966

OP,

He targeted you and used you as a skivvy and au pair.

They are HIS children.

He is a user.

He wants to continue to use you for free childcare.

Commit to absolutely NOTHING.

I mean it.

Commit to NOTHING.

He has never parented his children and he has never cared about you.

All he cares about someone doing childcare and not him.

You are leaving him and HIS children.

This is hard on the children but they have two parents and you sacrificed 4 years doing everything.

Move out asap if you can to a small two bed.

Agree to nothing.

Do not allow him to bully you.

He wants to use you for the next 4 or 5 years.

You do not want to tie your future to this man any longer.

Once you have left completely THEN you can decide on what contact you think is best.

But DON'T commit in any way to be his au pair any longer.

Well done for finally standing up for yourself.

Stop doing anything now so that he steps up.

Get out before school starts.

Leave him to it.

He is just a user.

100% I suspect you know this @JudgeJerry and that’s why you are getting out - he won’t change - he will want to screw you down even further and punish you for daring to leave him.

@CoNiOff

It seems that some posters think that after the divorce, the OP should see her SC more often and do more for them than her ex should see and do for his actual DC.

How can that be right?

Yes that’s the sum total….absolutely ridiculous.

You and your child come first OP.
Get yourself sorted and then make a decision regarding your DSC.

Do the children think of you as their loving mother or as the au pair do you think? I agree that children adapt pretty quickly and wouldnt be surprised if your exDH will have another au pair through the house pretty quickly. Let them know that when they are settled they are welcome to pop over and see little DC whenever they would like to but agree nothing formal.

I'm curious, those who are suggesting picking up from school and having them overnight then dropping them at school the next day every week, do you expect OP to have beds for them and everything?

I wouldn't have anywhere for two extra children to stay over every week, especially on a school night where they'd need proper sleep.

@DeathStare

I think you are being really mean. You have been the mother-figure to those children and withdraw that relationship from them just because their dad is an asshole is a horrible thing to do to them.

Oh please! He wants her to provide free childcare because it makes his life easier. Why the fuck should she do that? If the kids really wanted to see her and she wanted to see them, he should invite her round for dinner or something, not drop his kids round to hers for her to babysit.

@Qwerty789 I'll be ignoring further posts from yourself. You've given absolutely nothing to the discussion in terms of actual practical advice as other poster's have. I have asked you repeatedly to offer some rather than just repeatedly goad and call me names but you have nothing it seems.

I am for hearing other people's opinions, @EarringsandLipstick for example doesn't agree that the weekly dinner is enough and has been advocating throughout for more consideration for my DSC and I am taking in her points and thinking them over genuinely.

Poster's like you however appear to have nothing constructive to say and are frankly just wasting space on a thread full of advice which j am valuing completely.

@Qwerty789

Still ignoring OPs question are you?

Clearly not.

You haven't answered it though? She's asked you multiple times what you actually suggest she should do rather than just sticking the boot in about how terrible she is. I think it's safe to assume at this point that you don't actually know.

@Qwerty789

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

OP has gone above and beyond what should of been expected of her. I'm not surprised after 4 years she has had enough. doesnt make her a bad person remotely.

@FortVictoria

OP - you sound like a decent person who is trying to do her best in a bad situation. I totally agree that you need to set strong boundaries. Dinner with the DC every fortnight sounds fair. He should definitely collect them from school and drop them off at yours. I would recommend you drop them back at his after dinner. This is to mitigate against him being “busy” and asking you to keep them for a night. You sound like you are trying really hard to be fair to them, as well as setting your own boundaries - which you definitely need.

I’m astonished at how many posters have vilified you, given all that you have done for these two children, and given how hard you are trying to find a decent and fair way forward. Many posters saying that the dad is useless - agreed. But many criticising you without any reference to their actual mother, who refuses to parent. There is a difference between caring and responsibility. You care about the DSC, that much is obvious - but they are really not your responsibility. You can spend time with them and cook them dinner sometimes, sure, but these kids have both a mother and a father who need to step up to their responsibilities and start parenting their own children.

This is an excellent post, and I agree.

Shocking, how many posters are willing to vindictively attack an extremely young woman who has provided far more care for these kids than their own parents could be bothered to, and over years. Truly, no good deed goes unpunished.

If this was a man being asked this he would be laughed at for even entertaining the suggestion.

OP,

If you agree to ANYTHING you will bitterly regret it.

You do NOT negotiate with terrorists.

I want a clean break.

Do not spend endless time discussing it.

Focus on packing, new accommodation and the practicalities.

Get out before school begins.

Let him sort uniforms, whatever.

Stop doing stuff for him and his children.

He has to start looking after his kids.

He just doesn't want to, nor has he ever.

He is a disgrace as a parent.

This is NOT your responsibility to fix.

Get out asap.

How about doing something because you’re a decent human being and care about the welfare of your own children (I mean you in general not the OP,) Rather than turning it into some kind of petty contest?

I think providing free nanny services and housekeeping on top of her own job for 4 years is decent enough frankly.

The children will see each other regularly when the OPs DC visits their father. She has repeatedly said she will maintain ad hoc contact but needs to break the pattern of being used. She has no parental responsibility, the DSC do not regard her as their mother - that'll work well with a pre teen and teen as they soon will be.

Yet another older man has groomed a younger woman into being his free nanny/housekeeper and we have posters here basically wanting to punish her as some kind of proxy evil OW getting what was coming to her. Some projection eh?

Is this the new normal now that a step parent is pinned down and carries on formalised responsibility for ex children indefinitely?

Just bizarre.

It’s just the ex continuing to control, punish dump and guilt the OP.

Two v separate issues. Get out of the exploitative clutches of the ex.

Once there is clear blue water post separation the OP can choose when/how/if she wishes to involve the DSC in HER life (they will already be involved in her DC life).

She has already indicated the level of involvement she thinks is appropriate for her - which looks more than generous - but she should not communicate any of this to her STBXH.

I think it is sad that the OP is even asking this forum if she is wrong not to agree to formal arrangements and even if she doesn’t what OTHERS think is the right level of contact …. It tells me how much she has been controlled and coerced to date to not know her boundaries and fell confident holding and expressing them.

You are so young and have spent the whole decade of your youth from late teens / early twenties (?) being exploited by this bloke.

It seems that you have been in a relationship from a v young age with a dominating and difficult (older) man

Yes this is true. That's what I'm trying to balance. I met him at 21, I was young and not very with it about the world in general, he was older and promised me lots of X Y and Z, sold me the story and all of that.

I am just trying to find a balance, I am finally at s place where I can see myself carving out my own life after having most of my 20s dominated by this relationship, I've worked hard to get the courage to do this and the thought of getting sucked back in makes me feel so sick. I want my life back and I want him in it as little as possible. I don't want to hurt anyone, it's just about finding the right balance.