Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

You are so worried about him taking advantage of you that you are balking at any kind of care of DSC at all. That is understandable but not rational.
Having an arrangement whereby you pick them up from school one day a week, give them dinner and he collects them is not continuing to be his slave. It does not mean you will be coerced into doing it all the time.
I suggest you both attend mediation to put together a contact plan. You need help to get him to be reasonable. But don't throw the baby out with the bath water and refuse to do anything for the DSC.

@TheBlessedCheesemaker

Stop using your anger at him as a reason for limiting contact schedules. He is a crap dad. We get that. This isn’t about that, it’s about trying to limit the harm on his kids. Have them for dinner once a week and overnight (including school drop off) until Christmas. Tell him that you will decide by the start of December whether to continue that arrangement after Christmas or not, and that you will let him know. Nothing on top of this, and no variation to this agreement, or you will back out of any contact with his kids. End of.

Yes good idea.

the situation will evolve,
time will go on and they will want and need to see you less

This is ridiculous! Why should SHE facilitate it?! They have a DAD who is quite capable of ensuring the relationship between siblings continues - at HIS house. It's his responsibility, not hers.

It's not ridiculous, it's good advice

@jozipozi31 No I won't 'pipe down', that's not how forums work.

You said 'You have to facilitate continuing contact for all three DC, in my opinion' and I disagreed. That's on the dad. People are allowed to disagree with you.

Oh gosh I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, and I’m sorry you have to read many posts from people simply calling you selfish with no actual thought to your dilemma.

There’s no two ways about it, you’ll be damned if you do and damned if you don’t by peoples opinions, right now you need to do what’s best for you and your DC regardless of what other people think. They don’t know your full situation, or how bad it’s been and what result that has had on your mental health.

Your Ex H has only himself to blame, parenting, is a two way street no matter how ‘busy’ you are with work, those poor DSC appear to have no suitable contact with their actual mother and their dad doesn’t care about them, only his work - what kind of message does that say to them? Lots of people on here have called OP selfish but you need to direct those comments to her ex-H, if it wasn’t for her what kind of life/care would those kids have? Their dad has allowed this to happen. He had a choice, workaholic or not, he allowed the OP to do everything with no thought for her own well-being,

OP you do what feel right for you now, if you need that space and also to let ex-H see just how hard it is, then you need to do that. I’d try and agree a firm one night a week from day 1 so your DC has some structure, and certainly a midweek for now. Then you can see how that goes, if you feel comfortable to extend that to include an overnight stay and or weekend once a month then you can do so when you are ready to co-parent again.

I understand the comments of how unfair it will be against the DSC/DC relationship but by the sounds of it, no one is considering your well being and without your well being these kids will have no one. Put yourself first for once.

@DeathStare

I think you are being really mean. You have been the mother-figure to those children and withdraw that relationship from them just because their dad is an asshole is a horrible thing to do to them.

If she doesn't want to have this role and has had it thrust on her (and somewhat unwillingly by the sound of it), I don't see how she's being mean. She's not their mother. She's their dad's partner.

Perhaps if he'd treated OP as such from the beginning rather than throwing all of the parenting responsibility onto her, a natural relationship would have developed without resentment. As it is, I'm not surprised that things are a bit tense.

A non blood parent-child relationship really has to be reciprocal on BOTH sides. If it's not then it's really not worth forcing.

OP, do what is right for you and don't apologise. The kids will be fine.

@ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff

I didn't say you couldn't disagree - it was the way you did it. I know how forums work and I don't like it when people are disrespecting of others' opinion in the way they talk, that's all.

'In my opinion', if the OP wants to cut the DSC completely of course she can, but from a totally selfish POV she will be hurting her own DC very much. So IMO she should help the contact at the moment. When they're older they'll do it for themselves. But right now they need her help.

You come across as being very cold OP.
You've essentially been these kids mother figure since they were very young but you don't seem to have much love for them. If you did then you wouldn't be considering turning your back on them. You've asked what people would have you do. Well I would be putting the kids first. They aren't your biological children but having another mother figure abandon them at this stage in their development is likely to have a serious impact. Dinner once a week or once a fortnight just doesn't seem like enough, certainly initially. I feel desperately sad and sorry for these children.

I wonder how many men continue to do overnight care and school pick ups for their ex partner's kids? None I expect. And I wonder how many men would tell them they should? Bet that'd be none too.

Why do women fall over themselves to pick up other people's messes?

@jozipozi31 She never said anything about cutting them off completely. She said she didn't want to commit to regular set contact times at her place. They would still be allowed to come for tea etc.

How would she be hurting her DC? That's what I'm not getting? The step DC don't call her mum and all three will still be seeing each other regularly, at the dad's place.

Again, why should it all be on her to facilitate this?

No one is talking about cutting the children off completely either. Just that the OP should see them - as a previous poster suggested - like a grandparent does. On an ad hoc informal basis that suits both the children and the OP. Nothing to do with her ex.

YANBU. Clean break! They are his children and he needs to wake up and realise this.

And presumably the older kids amuse and look after yours a bit? Not all bad?

And being facetious, in a couple of years time you’ll have DSC who could help out with collecting from school or watching your DC in the evening.

Take a step back and breathe. You play an important part in these children’s lives. You may not have thought you would, but the simple fact is (from what you’ve described) you do. Could you live with yourself if you cut them off?
Is the real reason you’re reluctant because of the children (or more likely) because it means more interaction with your ex? Soon your DSC will be able to make arrangements themselves. Would there be a practical day for you to take them in the evening or overnight? Don’t forget things will change as they get older and have more activities and studying to do.

The amount of involvement some PPs are suggesting is appropriate (school pickups, overnights, weekends, Christmas etc) would be a great response if OP's STBXH had died or become permanently disabled.

As he's still alive and kicking, it's completely unnecessary. He's a full-grown man!

There’s no reason for you to have them at all, imagine meeting someone new and they look after their ex’s kids

OP he doesn't get to choose - you do. His children are certainly not your responsibility as harsh as that seems. He will try every trick in the book to make you feel guilty and backtrack until you are doing more and more in terms of care for the DSC so he doesn't have to. Of course he will use emotional blackmail to achieve this. I wouldn't commit to anything at all in your shoes. Just say breezily that of course you will have the DSC over for dinner at yours occasionally and they will have plenty of access to your DC at his. You are NOT his nanny and this is what you need to do to make him understand that.

@BookFiend4Life

Probably best if you buy a 4 bed house so each of the kids can have their own room when they come to stay, if you make DSC share they may feel unwelcome. Most dads get alternate EOW and one weeknight per week, could he manage that do you think or maybe his work is too time consuming for that? Maybe he could just take them on the odd weekend if he's free? [Sarcasm]

If you can swing it I think once a week dinner and games at your house would be nice. I agree with others that ad hoc just opens the door to more negotiating and wheedling from your ex.

What great advice. Everyone who has 3 dc should rush out and buy a 4 bed house immediately. Everyone who with dc plus step dc has 3 children around should do the same. You go tell them that. The op, who is a single parent with one child, should buy exactly what she can afford that will accommodate her family. If it’s not 4 bed then it’s not 4 bed. Financial security for her and her child is far more important.

@ZenNudist

Ignore people calling you mean and selfish. You're the opposite. No no no to school runs or regular contact time. Let him facilitate your dc seeing their half siblings. You have been taken advantage of. The offer of irregular teatime meetings is more than generous.

This. Absolutely this.

I cannot understand the loons who are trying to guilt you into just being his nanny still. He could decided tomorrow that you will never see them again. You are right to distance yourself.

He seems the type who will con another woman into being an unpaid nanny soon enough, then he will cut OP's contact altogether.

People need to stop blaming OP for her ex's selfishness. It is not her job to pick up the slack.

No one realistically thinks you should, OP. Some here like to stir the pot. Check their posting history to see that's common.

I think it would be better for his kids to have firm boundaries. In this case, you're not able to offer ongoing parenting to them (no judgment at all from me on that).

Surely it would be better for the kids to know you've split up, you're moving away and sadly you will only see them occasionally - rather than "well you MIGHT see her on Friday and I bloody asked her to do the weekend but she said no she didn't want to see you" sort of stuff from dad.

Meanwhile you could see them at drop off and see how they're doing, then occasionally invite them out for a trip or two.

I wonder how many step fathers would be expectes to have their step kids overnight, continue to do school drop offs and have the dc over for tea on a weekly basis if the relationship with the mother failed?

@timeisnotaline did you miss the '[sarcasm]' bit at the end of that post?

I wonder how many men continue to do overnight care and school pick ups for their ex partner's kids? None I expect. And I wonder how many men would tell them they should? Bet that'd be none too. your point being?

Must these discussions always evolve into “men wouldn’t do X so women shouldn’t either,”?

How about doing something because you’re a decent human being and care about the welfare of your own children (I mean you in general not the OP,) Rather than turning it into some kind of petty contest?

Genuine question - when does a child become not a small child to you?

If someone told me they had a small child and they turned out to be 12, I would be very confused

It depends.

As I said, I wouldn't see my 12 yo as a small child in the way of being a baby, obviously 😀

However, in this context, where we are talking about the need for physical & emotional care, they are small & could be referred to as such.

I'd describe my DC as 'young' generally.

The reason I was addressing the use of 'small' here is that it was being used as '12 is not small' ie not needing the care I described above. In a sense, the actual word 'small' is a red herring. The point is the DC are vulnerable & needing care, beyond that of an older teen, for example. (Though they too would be affected in a similar situation).

For those saying “make a clean break,” think. About it like this.

Imagine you’re splitting from your partner and one of your children is going to stay living with you and the others are going to live with your ex.

Now imagine saying to your resident child “sorry, you can’t live with your brother/sister any more, but you can see them when you see daddy. No, I won’t ever see them again.”

And then saying to the other children, “you don’t live here any more, and you can’t ever see your sister except when she comes to stay with daddy. No. You won’t be coming here again.”

Now, posters here will argue that it’s different because they’re not all the OP’s children. But for the children it isn’t different.

All they will know is that they’re being split up as a sibling group, and that suddenly the adults are telling them they can’t see each other again apart from when the adults say so.

The children aren’t going to see it from the perspective of being half siblings, especially the youngest who has never known any different than these children being her siblings.

Bearing in mind they’ve lived together full-time. This isn’t an arrangement where they’re used to their half siblings coming to stay every other weekend or whenever. They’re a full sibling group in every sense of the word apart from biology, which to young children is meaningless.

People really think, that having had to get used to their parents’ split, children should just have to accept being separated from each other because the parents don’t want to see them again?