Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

@JudgeJerry

I am very hesitant to get into any situation where I am doing school pick ups, I think this leaves me open to "you do it on Wednesdays so why not today", "school know you though" etc... if I agreed to tea during the week he'd need to drop them off here after collecting them himself really.

That sounds sensible. As a PP suggested, once they've moved out, let the school know you are no longer to be contacted. Does he have any relatives in the area?

I am happy to have occasional flexible contact, perhaps tea at mine every so often but I am very reluctant to get into some sort of 'co parenting' situation with him with children who aren't actually my children

This is fair enough.

The children have 2 parents, they can sort this between them.

knowing him, I imagine he'd be thinking a few times a week, and overnight too no doubt. I imagine he'd still want help with school runs the lot

Not a chance I'd even entertain this level of cheek and selfishness. You are divorcing and he will have to make alternative arrangements for his children.

I'd feel sorry for the children but I'd absolutely not sacrifice myself on the altar of their Dad's need for childcare. You aren't going to be his wife any longer, he has to deal with all that this entails.

Women have to step up all the time, how many women are bringing up children alone?

Let the men do their "Be Kind" bit too

And what @3luckystars said-much better than me,

Christ what a pickle!!

If the older is 12 could you leave it in their hands? Is 12 old enough that they can be the one to instigate contact with you?

I would make it crystal clear if he wants to use you for childcare he will need to pay you the going rate!

No school runs whatsoever, they're a slippery slope.

Tbh i think the fact that the DC live with you full time and you have joint DC as well makes this slightly more complicated.

If it was just you and your DH splitting then it would be understandable that obviously you wouldn’t be continuing to see the DSC.

But in this instance not only are you separating from your DH, but you are splitting an entire family apart by removing one sibling from a home where they have always lived with their other siblings (they won’t view them as half siblings) on a permanent basis.

It’s hard enough to say to children that they’re only going to see their parents some of the time, telling them then that their siblings are moving out too and they won’t be seeing them either is going to be really hard on them.

It’s the fact they live with you full-time that makes this so much more complicated, IMO.

At the very least you need to have a transition schedule. Your child has never lived away from their siblings, now you’re taking them away from their dad (inevitable because of the split,) and their siblings, and suddenly your child is going to be all on their own and expected to just accept that they no longer have siblings living with them.

I can see why you think the way you do, but I do also think that this is incredibly complicated and can’t be entered into without some serious thought.

@Dreadinggoingbacktothoffice

Christ what a pickle!!

If the older is 12 could you leave it in their hands? Is 12 old enough that they can be the one to instigate contact with you?

I think no. By all means listen to them but 12 year old has enough on their plate. They will derive security from being given more parenting, not more responsibility, especially if Dad stays with his head buried in his work and expects the 12 year old to start looking after the younger one.

I’d also second what AlternativePerspective has said re your own DC. Mine sounds like he might be a year or two older that your son but I know my son would desperately miss his half siblings and would want to see them as often as we could

It's terribly hard for you. Of course you care about the kids, but you're not their legal parent and part of your reason for breaking up with your partner is about his inability to take responsibility for his own children!

I would never normally say this but I really think this is the time to take some inspiration from "Disney Dad" type parenting. See the kids - but only for the fun things. You know, no school runs, no shopping for clothes (or packing their clothes) - just the good times. You can tell them that you'd always like to be in their lives, and that you love them, but that you're not their parent and can't take on that role. You can always be there for them - but not as a parent.

My mum was with my step-dad for 7 years - they never married and he took on few parenting responsibilities - I am in my late 30s now and he is still a part of our family, comes on family holidays with me and my sibling on occasion, and I have asked him to be godfather to my DC etc. But since my mum left him, we've always been in touch like you would with a family friend rather than a parent. It's a lovely relationship - maybe a bit hard to explain to people outside the family - but not a parent-child one. More like an aunt/uncle or godparent who cares about you but isn't immediate family.

OP I think you're going to have to divorce him and then move. It'll be easier on everyone if you're not still physically in the same place and enable them all to move on quicker.

The problem as I see it, and as you've hinted at yourself, is that whatever you do he'll want more, a lot more. If you say you'd like to have them for tea every fortnight, I'd give it two weeks tops before he was saying if you can do every fortnight why can't you do it every week? And then it'll be two nights a week... And if you have them for a whole Sunday once a month it'll be why can't you have them on Saturday too? And tbh it wouldn't surprise me if whatever was agreed on paper he didn't often turn up on your doorstep with them saying they had nowhere else to go. And then you'd have to say no in front of them which would make you feel awful so you'd say yes and he'd just keep doing it until eventually it was back to being seven days a week.

So I'm not actually joking when I say move.

I would recommend being really clear and direct with everyone about the practicalities - especially your ex partner. Make it clear that he needs to facilitate that relationship and take on the work.

I haven’t seen this advice elsewhere on this thread, apologies if I’m repeating. You need to get yourself a good family lawyer, OP. Firstly, it sounds like youve done a lot for your STBXH, so I would hope you get a settlement that recognises that. Secondly, I wonder if you had a cast iron agreement in place, which made the contact arrangement crystal clear and even explicitly stated that you will not do additional pick ups, meals etc, then you might feel better about seeing the children. I might be overreaching, but it sounds like the children from his first marriage have come to sort of represent the burden that he has placed on you. And maybe if his sense of entitlement to your time was negated through a good agreement then you might feel happier about seeing the children? That would certainly be the better outcome for the children.

I would share what you have here with your solicitor and see if they can help you frame a useful agreement.

Goodness! A couple of posters are busily fashioning a martyr's crown for you, OP. Please don't even try it on. 😳

Even Fräulein Maria got paid!

You have no obligation to have any contact with them of course but personally I think it's terribly sad that these kids will have no regular contact with there main caregiver moving forward. I know your position I wouldn't commit to any tint formally but I'd be aiming to see them far more frequently than what you have suggested. Poor kids, first their mum abandons them and now this

I’m definitely thinking your Ex is a cheeky fucker. Stick to your guns @JudgeJerry

Trying to balance your right to walk away and the fact that there's young kids involved. Can you become like an 'auntie' where by you see them and have fun regularly but day to day grunge and jobs are done by dad??

I wouldn’t get stuck in a regular, fortnightly “commitment” either. You know he’d push that one as well. He’s a user.

@DancingQueen85

You have no obligation to have any contact with them of course but personally I think it's terribly sad that these kids will have no regular contact with there main caregiver moving forward. I know your position I wouldn't commit to any tint formally but I'd be aiming to see them far more frequently than what you have suggested. Poor kids, first their mum abandons them and now this

I hope you mean poor kids first their mum abandons they and their dad is not only a shitty dad but a shitty partner who has driven away the one stable influence in their life. There’s blame to lay here, but it’s on the parent.

OP can I just say it's SO refreshing to see a stepmum refuse to be guilt tripped and cajoled into continuing to raise children that aren't her own. I know so many women in your position who are raising ex step children because their exH had an arrangement like yours wants, and then did a bunk. Just because he decided he couldn't be arsed raising them and that was your job when you were together, it doesn't mean you have to accept that now you're not together. Bloody well good for you!

If it helps, I drew a VERY firm line in the sand when I split with exH. No stepchildren, but my exH was utterly useless too and I said "these are your days you have them [EOW], I am not hand holding or babysitting or packing bags for days out. These are your days and I have mine and we parent separately". No contact except on an absolute need to know basis. Their school know to contact both of us rather than rely on me to relay messages, on my request.

It works so well, we both have freedom and the life we want with the children, no angst or interference.

I certainly was NOT gonna do the wife work after we split - I actually posted in a thread recently that if, for example, I know exH is taking the kids to the beach, I will not pack a beach bag for the kids to take even though I know he'll forget to pack half the stuff. It's his contact time so it's his job, the end. Boy did I get a flaming and a half for that one!

How does your child feel about being taken away from their siblings?

What a mess. May this thread be a warning to people not to set up home with partners who have children, let alone bringing new siblings into the family, unless they are sure they’re in it for the long haul. It’s just not fair on the children.

So I think he's panicking now about the fact he's going to need to make some changes to the way he does things so that he can continue to look after his DC without me there.

This tells you everything - he couldn't care less about them seeing you, he wants his life to continue to be easy via free childcare

You can tell them that you'd always like to be in their lives, and that you love them, but that you're not their parent and can't take on that role. You can always be there for them - but not as a parent

But can you imagine being a child on the receiving end of this information? From the person who acted like your parent for years?

@anonforamo

I don't know *@JudgeJerry* for me I always think about what message is it sending to children. You may not be their Mum, but they've lived with you since a young age and I wonder if part of the conversation could be how to make choices that both respect what's happening for you and doesn't make them feel rejected? Also, they are siblings with your child, that has to matter too.

I understand there's some resentment. It sounds like your husband's behaviour/choices/way of being directly impacted why this became a bigger issue. But that still isn't any of the kids fault.

What about one evening a week or coming round for tea one day a week? Even a nice tea and family time once a week may make a big difference in feeling wanted.

In situations like this imagine if it was the child writing the post

"I love my step Mum and she's been my parent since I was 5. But when she and my Dad separated she didn't want me any more, I wasn't allowed to sleep over, didn't see her anymore and just got to see her occasionally. I felt so hurt because I thought I meant something to her."

Resentment never works so I'm not at all saying to ignore your feelings. I guess I'm wondering if it's possible to separate them a bit from the children and find a middle ground?

You're missing one fundamental point:

None of this is the OP's problemZ of children feel this way it's because they have a shit dad and it's very much his problem to undo the bad parenting he's inflicted on his kids