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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

999 replies

JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:05

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 17/08/2021 22:22

You don't mention whether he works all hours and earn a ton or works all hours for a pittance. If he earns enough then he needs to employ a nanny, plus perhaps extra child care at the weekends. It won't be for long, five or six years probably, and it'll work out cheaper than marrying and divorcing again (and again and again). You could offer to talk the nanny through their routine once he's employed one.

I think it would be kind to do what you are suggesting, more like a favourite aunt role. They get to see your DC and you can offer a listening ear for things they feel they can't talk to their Dad about. The drudge work, eg getting them from a to b or taking on the whole mental load, is his responsibility to either do himself or pay someone else to do.

Phineyj · 17/08/2021 22:23

I also think that it's in the DC's best interests that childcare is organised and paid for by their father (realistically, a workaholic type is not going to change).

Original poster

JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 22:24

I am very hesitant to get into any situation where I am doing school pick ups, I think this leaves me open to "you do it on Wednesdays so why not today", "school know you though" etc... if I agreed to tea during the week he'd need to drop them off here after collecting them himself really.

OP posts:

Phineyj · 17/08/2021 22:25

Well, listen to your misgivings then!

5zeds · 17/08/2021 22:26

I’d stick with your dc sees his step sibs at his Dads. I’d arrange any contact outside of that with their mother during her part of the week as a “play date”. Once either side of half term would work but don’t fix it and don’t discuss it with stbx.

stonebrambleboy · 17/08/2021 22:26

You are not mean, you sound like a caring woman who has done her best.
You are young put your needs and those of your child first, it's up to him to sort out his children's needs, you can't please everyone.

Original poster

JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 22:27

@5zeds

They don't see their Mum (rarely anyway).

OP posts:

sadlynotme · 17/08/2021 22:28

@Just10moreminutesplease

I feel so desperately sad for those children. You chose to come into their lives and they have lived with you since they were young (a choice they didn’t have the luxury of making).

Your ex sounds awful but that’s not their fault. You might not be obliged to carry on parenting them but abandoning them after you chose to be a massive part of their life is plain callous.

agree

5zeds · 17/08/2021 22:30

That’s harder. Do you want to see them?

Cornishclio · 17/08/2021 22:31

I think some posters are being incredibly unfair and YANBU to consider that you maintaining a relationship with your DSC is not a priority. They have two parents, albeit useless ones and whilst I think it would be nice for you to have some sort of contact with them I would not immediately set up a regular date until things have settled down a bit. Your DC will see them at your ex DH or is he planning to be an absent father to he/she too? Just make sure they know they can contact you and see you at a mutually convenient time.

You definitely do not sound mean or selfish and you have more than done as much as you can by essentially parenting those two children because their own parents won't. Forcing your ex to look after them by not stepping in to help is the best thing you can do.

Candydreamer · 17/08/2021 22:33

@sadlynotme what are you doing? why are you scrolling through pages to quote anyone who is giving the OP a hard time and writing agree and this underneath?

odd.

Mum060708 · 17/08/2021 22:34

If you enjoy their company well enough take them out for the day on the first Saturday of every month. Pick them up in the morning, drop them home after tea.

If you see them the first Saturday of the month then maybe you could have them for tea on the 3rd Wednesday of the month or something like that.

I think morally the right thing to do for the kids is to keep up some kind of regular contact in the short term. It might well fizzle out as time goes on anyway, they might not miss you as much as you think. Or maybe you'll find you actually miss them and want to see them more, who knows.

I agree with no overnights or collecting or dropping off from school.

5zeds · 17/08/2021 22:37

Is he well off? They sound like children who would find a safe space in boarding school. Sometimes it’s the least worse option.

Picklepopsalot · 17/08/2021 22:38

Hi OP

I’m a step mum to 3 DSc who live with us full time DH and I also have a DC together.
2 of my DSC see their DM once a week, youngest DSC doesn’t see her at all (his choice). Since the beginning I’ve very much had the ‘mum’ role in our house and whilst I’m not DSC mum and don’t try to be I do treat them the same way I do my own son in all aspects. If DH and I split I’d been heartbroken not to see them anymore. Bring a step mum can be a thankless task at times but I know my DSC love me as much as I do them. I know you need to step away from the burden your DH has placed on you and I can fully understand that. I would say for the sake of DSC future mental health that you keep up as much regular contact as you can manage but with firm, unmovable boundaries that DH can’t take advantage of. I do understand what previous posters have said re not your children. But becoming a step mum, in my eyes, means joining a family and once that bond has been made it would be fair to do the best you can to show them that it meant something to you too. Maybe think of them in the same way as nieces and nephews going forward, if that might help separate you from the ‘mum’ role?

6fingerkitkat · 17/08/2021 22:39

OP - I don't have experience of this to comment helpfully. However I did want to say that you are coming across as really decent, kind, thoughtful and generally lovely person. Furthest from selfish that I can see!

Good luck with this- hope you get an outcome that works for you.

3luckystars · 17/08/2021 22:40

I feel sorry for the children having such bad parents, but at least they had someone nice in their life for a few years anyway. (You)
You definitely have no responsibility towards them, but on a deeper level, they need you. Their dad is a useless, what hope have they got if they don’t have you. I’m sorry you are in this situation, it’s a lot for such a young woman but if you are as decent on the inside as I think you are, these children are going to be in your life for good.
Make the arrangements on your terms, be extremely firm, your arrangements are with the children and not your husband. Don’t do anything for him, do it for them and yourself and your child. Enjoy your time with them.

It’s his loss, all of it.

Mind yourself and get some support for yourself. All the very best.

wannagetoutofhere · 17/08/2021 22:44

very very difficult situation OP.

What do you feel you can genuinely commit to on a long-term basis… ? Do that and no more, gently and firmly. You’ll be doing a great thing however frequent your involvement.

Also - is boarding school out of the question?

bigbaggyeyes · 17/08/2021 22:45

I suspect his motivation for this isn't because he has the best interests of his dc at heart, it's more likely to be that he wants you to continue to parent his dc, and facilitate his work.

In your shoes I'd offer to have them for tea once every few weeks for a few months until they, and you, can decide how you want the relationship to evolve. I suspect without your dh involvement it will fizzle out, and as they will be seeing their sibling eow you will become less important to them.

But I'd strongly suggest you don't get involved with any childcare, picking up from school or ferrying them about. If your stbx wants to facilitate this, then it's up to him to do so as they are his dc.

Tistheseason17 · 17/08/2021 22:49

He didn't parent properly when you were together - don't get trapped into doing it when you're no longer together.

Borris · 17/08/2021 22:49

I'd do the same as someone upthread suggested.

Collect from school for tea one night a week. Can be from after school club (paid by stbxh) if you wish. But make it Crystal clear that this is the only night you'll collect. Presumably you won't have bedroom space for them anyway.

But I think the children need the routine and certainty of one dinner per week.

Mulhollandmagoo · 17/08/2021 22:50

I'd completely ignore anymore posts from either @qwerty789 or @sadlynotme they're here to stick the boot in and nothing else, they're not interested in giving you any constructive advice (probably unable to, as you've asked them several times and they've flat out ignored you)

They're not your children, and your ex wants you to continue a relationship with them to benefit him, you're well within your rights to say no to that! I would suggest a weekly/fortnightly tea as they will miss you and it sounds like you were a big part of their lives, but your husband has made his bed and it's time for him to lie in it now.

I sometimes think that women have progressed, and then I read some comments on threads like this and still sadly realise how different the expectations are for men and women, and it's largely bolstered by women too which is sad. Imagine the reverse, my husband is leaving me but won't have my children from a previous relationship a few times a week to help me out with childcare/school runs. He wouldn't be ripped to shreds and told what a crappy person he is like the OP!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 17/08/2021 22:51

@Picklepopsalot
Being a step mum can be a thankless task at times but I know my DSC love me as much as I do them. I know you need to step away from the burden your DH has placed on you and I can fully understand that. I would say for the sake of DSC future mental health that you keep up as much regular contact as you can manage but with firm, unmovable boundaries that DH can’t take advantage of. I do understand what previous posters have said re not your children. But becoming a step mum, in my eyes, means joining a family and once that bond has been made it would be fair to do the best you can to show them that it meant something to you too. Maybe think of them in the same way as nieces and nephews going forward, if that might help separate you from the ‘mum’ role?

This^^

Whilst I don’t think you are mean or horrid or anything like that, these are two children who have already been abandoned by their mother; have a lackadaisical father and now are losing the one stable person in their young lives. I understand that you don’t want to become their default parent but you are a significant person in their lives and to suddenly disappear to one dinner a month is awful and will be hugely detrimental to their mental health going forwards.

I know they are not your children but they are your child's siblings and you did marry their father and take on that care giver role and I think that you do need to give careful consideration as to the impact on them moving forwards; even if in doing so, you end up helping out their father. Morally, I don’t think I could do anything else tbh.

Catforaheadrest · 17/08/2021 22:51

I have NO answers for you.

But i wanted to pop along and say (a) I totally understand how you’re feeling and (b) I have nothing but admiration for what you’re doing.

BettyAndFrank · 17/08/2021 22:52

He’s a CF! He’ll have to use wrap around childcare like single parent mums do.
I’d probably initially have them for tea one day mid week then after a few months drop it to every other week. He just wants to use you for childcare.

Saz12 · 17/08/2021 22:53

Make it clear that you love them and want to see them, but that “I respect that I’m not their parent” and “it would be unfair for the school to see me as being a parent to them”. Because the reality is that you’re not going to have a say in decisions made around them. You’re not going to continue to be a “proper” parent to them if /when there’s a new partner in the picture.

Maybe offer Sunday afternoon? Drop them home in time for him to sort out school uniforms, homework etc. Or a weekday evening?

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