Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

YANBU, if you were a man posters wouldn’t be calling you mean.

For some reason women are expected to mother everyone and put themselves last,

I mean with him not you!!

So tell me then Sadly, what would you have me do? I have suggested tea with me weekly/fortnightly. What more do you think I should do? Take on complete parental responsibility for children I have no legal rights to should their Dad decide tomorrow that he's changed his mind? What? It's all very well and good calling me selfish and horrible but tell me what you think would be a reasonable solution to this which doesn't end up yet again me being the dogs body for everyone elses benefit.

And no, I made a commitment to my husband when I married him, I did not commit to being s full time parent to his children because neither of them decided they could be arsed anymore. I did it because it had to be done at the time.

@viques

Why is the OP getting all the grief while their mother , who has chosen not to have regular contact, is handed a free pass?

It’s an awful situation, but it does sound as though dear daddy is seeing the OP as an easy option for child care rather than finding, and funding, other arrangements. Very nasty of him to pull the emotional strings about the siblings not seeing each .

Because the OP asked the question!! Also, the OP was in a relationship with the father for three years before she married him and took the children to live with them full-time and has been their full-time carer for four years now. The OP made a commitment to the children when she got agreed to this relationship with their father, whether she likes it or not and regardless of how useless the father is. This does not mean the birth mother is blameless, it just means the poor children are being dumped again. I feel so sorry for those children.

I think that when you got with this man and then married him you took on the role of "parent" and you can't just get rid of them now because he turned out to be a bastard. You need to step up to the plate because of the the prior commitment you made

And what about the role the DH took on, and the commitment he made, when he had two children with his ex? The OP has that role because he walked away from his. Why has he got away with not stepping up to the plate for four years? It is going to be hard on the DCs but I think communication with them, telling them the OP still wants to see them, will go a long way.

The OP made a commitment to the children when she got agreed to this relationship with their father, whether she likes it or not

I don't think she agreed to be 24/7 childcare, it was forced on her.

@JudgeJerry

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the replies.

So say I said they could come for tea every now and then, would you think it better to be ad-hoc, or scheduled i.e. every second Wednesday or something? I am so reluctant to schedule off my time like that for him but I do hear what PPs are saying about what's best for DC even if it ends up benefitting him.

It's not for him - it's for those children.

@MyDcAreMarvel

So you have lived with and raised children for four years with no bond? That’s really sad.

This

I am GOBSMACKED that some poster's think a step parent signed up for this when marrying someone with children. I see that line trotted out plenty but this is the first time it has genuinely floored me.

Are PPs seriously suggesting that if a step parent marries a man with children, who then goes on to be an absolutely useless father, that step parent should take on the DC POST divorce because it's 'what they chose'? absolutely ludicrous expectation.

It's incredibly sad for the SC but my God, it is absolutely not on OP to now spend her life picking up after the mistakes of her ex and his ex just because she happened to marry the wrong person. I'm so shocked at some of these replies.

What on earth do people expect her to do? Take on children full time when she has absolutely no legal rights? Just move them in with her and carry on parenting them solo until their parents decide they've had enough of her help?

It's easy to sit behind a keyboard and be all virtuous when it's not your life. 2 additional children who are not yours with no help is not some small undertaking or something you should do just to 'be kind'.

It’s not your job to maintain the relationships between HIS kids and yours. That’s him being manipulative and trying to guilt-trip you into taking on more of his load again to facilitate more time for him to do what HE wants. Your child will have plenty of contact with his siblings at Dad’s place. I think it would be better to make a clean break or he would very soon be taking advantage of your kindness by not turning up when he’s supposed to, asking for sleepovers in front of the kids, etc. No. Your life is about to free up so much!

Again... @sadlynotme what do you expect me to do? I have spent the whole thread discussing maintaining some form of relationship with DC, short of having them come live with me and being a single parent to 3 kids, 2 of whom I have no legal rights for, what do you think I should do?

It's easy to sit here and write 'this' under random comments calling me mean. How about giving me a constructive solution?

I've asked the same of Qwerty too but unfortunately she's been too busy calling me selfish and awful to actually give me an answer.

@lannistunut

But why should it be OP who picks up the actual parents' slack??? Sometimes, unfortunately, this happens because a decent person comes onto the scene and notices that something isn't being done. It isn't fair, but the whole world is full of people picking up where other people do not.

Repeating what I said earlier, that doesn't mean the OP is obligated to do something, but it wouldn't be the first time a step parent, or aunt, or uncle, or friend who has stepped in when two parents either can't or won't do what is needed.

I know and I probably would allow contact but it doesn't sound like the OP wants to and it it doesn't come to her naturally, it shouldn't be forced. The children will feel the change, too, because OP's had enough.

@ApplyWithin

Interesting that the majority of responses on these issues put the adults’ needs first. Hardly anyone puts the children’s best interests first.

Agree

OP I think you are admirable. You've been wonderful to those children for several years and stepped in when their parents didn't. Your ex is going to have to step up and you're right, he doesn't have a clue what lies ahead of him.

I don't think you owe them a lifetime of parenting. Set the boundary on the basis they are your dc's step siblings and make a plan that maintains that relationship.

I would also keep it easier for yourself where ex is less likely to let you down meaning pick them up from school, have tea and arrange a time for ex to collect them.

Maybe at some point you could lean to an overnight stay as a one off, in the same way your ex will go to theirs for overnight stay. Lone parenting is hard on everybody.

But you need a break first, in a few months you'll probably feel a bit differently. You don't have to decide everything now.

No-one should ever marry a person who already has children, because apparently if you do so and then divorce, you're morally obligated to continue taking care of the other person's children, to your own detriment.

"This" is my main takeaway from this thread.

OP, you don't seem mean or awful to me. So long as you facilitate your child's continued relationship with his/her half-siblings, you're doing your duty.

OP from what you've said as well, the children only moved in full time with you after you married their father?

so for the posters saying you signed up for this bla bla bla how could OP have known that not only would their mother end up not looking after them but that their father would then manipulate it so that OP felt she had no choice but to look after his kids?

you are not selfish - far from it. you shouldnt even feel guilted into doing dinner every week or two. you should put yourself and your child first because clearly noone else has for the last four years. it's not your step kids fault but it certainly isnt yours that their parents are rubbish.

Yanbu. It’s a really tough situation and it’s going to be hard all round, that’s inevitable. You need to start as you mean to go on which is easier said than done and stick to your guns. I really feel for you thoughx

It is not about taking on the children full time or assuming some sort of responsibility for them. It’s about recognising the impact of the separation on them and considering if there is a way forward that will help the children feel less rejected.

The OP can put in place clear boundaries that send a clear message to her ex that this isn’t childcare for him, but for the children.

Over time it’s likely that any contact will decrease anyway as everyone naturally moves on. The adults in these situations have often thought and planned out the separations for months before they happen. Children get told when it’s happening and are expected to go with the flow a lot of the time

OP, you won't get a response from the "this" crowd. And I doubt any of them would take on full responsibility for 2 children not related to them and for whom they would have no legal responsibility. they probably wouldn't have done what you did for the past 4 years either.

You clearly DO want to do what is right for these children - which is why you posted. But you are right to have clear boundaries. I would make it crystal clear to your ex that you are not available for ANY pick ups/holiday minding/emergency stuff. Then you can invite the children over as you want/as suits them. Your relationship with them is not dependent on you picking up the slack for their dad. you may find you like having them over a lot more when you aren't being expected to do what a parent should have been doing.

And does anyone not think that forcing this man to actually be a father to his children IS in their best interests? That they might actually forge a better relationship with their dad because he can't palm them off on his wife?

I think the question is what would work best for you.

I understand your reluctance to provide any more free childcare to him (you've provided enough already!) but it might be that saying tea every second Wednesday and you'll pick them up after school, him to collect, is easier than an ad hoc arrangement when you actually have to spend more time communicating with your ex and organising things with him. With a fixed arrangement, there wouldn't need to be much ongoing communication with him. But you should make it clear that the arrangement depends on it being convenient for you so you can cancel for holidays/illness etc.!

you won't get sensible answers out of posters like @sadlynotme..they come onto boards with their judgement and quoting other posters giving you a hard time yet wont offer any actual advice. that's because they know in your shoes they wouldnt know what to do either.

If he’s insistent I’d demand child maintenance for all three kids, and you get a say in their schooling and medical treatments, and they call you mum.

No?

Utterly ridiculous and I would utterly ignore all the you’re a big meany posts. Not a single one of them would in reality take on full responsibility of children they are not legally guardian to and focus their time and resources on them as a single parent. Not a one.

Do not get pushed into a structured arrangement. See how you go. See how you feel, you’ll be a single parent, holding down a full time job and running a household alone. You may not have time in future you may not have energy.

You do not need to be a parent to your H’s children you can be an available sympathetic adult to them when they need.
But don’t get trapped into becoming unpaid unappreciated skivvy.

You ex needs to get himself sterilised if he doesn’t want the responsibilities of a father.

OP honestly i would say yes to maintaining regular contact for all the kids sake but this would be limited to a certain day / night.

So depending on your work schedule for instance you might say you’ll do them dinner every Tuesday night and they can stay over and you’ll drop them at school and you’ll have them one Sunday a month for the day - whatever fits best with your schedule and for the kids too.

IF (big if) he is doing it for the benefit of the children then he’ll be willing to find a suitable compromise.

But don’t be pushed into feeling like you have to be a third parent - you are not their parent and you have zero legal or moral requirement to have regular or any contact with them.
Regardless of what your ex says - why are you bothered about his opinion of what is “right and fair” when he has shown that he has zero clue about being fair, by being a shit father and a shit partner for the past 10 years.

Tell him what will work for you and leave the offer on the table. He can accept or he can sulk, moan, guilt trip and attempt to emotionally blackmail you and then accept when he realises you’re not there for that shit anymore