Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

I've read all your updates OP. You need to protect yourself at all costs - he is absolutely trying to use you for childcare.

DSC aren't your children and while it's sad they don't have a good relationship with their mum and their dad is a lazy shit, it's also not your problem.

We haven't come up with anything formal yet but he is in agreement that the majority should be with me. It will likely be EOW style but with a couple of evenings a week for tea after nursery with me collecting after work. But we haven't agreed anything completely yet.

My guess is from what you have said about his working pattern he is actually expecting this to be the pattern for ALL the children. With you taking the majority care for all 3 and him getting to be Disney dad occasionally when work permits!

Make your own mind up what you want. It is going to be too little for him and he is going to complain and use it to get bitter/angry with you.

I would offer to pop in and see them when dropping off your own DC to his Dad. Chat to them for 10-15 mins and have a coffee. That way you won't be roped into childcare for them.

The OP is selfish? She's given four years of her life, by default, to looking after two children who aren't hers and it sounds like, done a diligent job. She's been very unselfish.

OP, I had a friend for a while who'd been in a similar situation to your step DC (the first wife had died though). Her dad's second wife remained her most trusted adult, even after divorce from her (useless) dad. I don't think this was due to any formal arrangement. She just liked her and it was reciprocated.

Focus on getting the contact right for your pre school DC and keep an open mind regarding the others, but don't offer anything concrete. This arguably is the best thing for them as it will force your STBXH to arrange proper paid for childcare.

If I were in your shoes, which is not an enviable position to be in so I feel for you OP, I'd refuse scheduled contact with your DSC, but still continue a relationship. You can still be there for them, in a similar way to a close grandparent for example, without a legally binding contact schedule in place. Let your ex step up and actually parent them, which he seems to have avoided for years, whilst still being an important part of their family. Extended families have existed like this for generations, without formal obligations, and as you're not actually obliged to have a formal obligation to your DSC, that's the way I'd play it. I 💯 think your ex is pushing for a formal obligation for his convenience, he's knows you can still have a relationship without one, but that wouldn't offer the guaranteed childcare that he still wants.

I think your opening post OP makes it very clear a key reason why you're divorcing him is because he puts his work before everything else.

He's worried that when you aren't living together that he will have to work less and parent more. Honestly that is a situation I would help force him into by refusing to facilitate contact with your DC at your house without him being present or doing the drop off/pick up. I would hope it would force him to change his priorities and reprioritise his children. As he has full time custody of the step DC any contact time he has with your joint DC will facilitate this sibling relationship. So he needs to be fully present for those occasions. It absolutely isn't on you to do that. Yes you've been their step mother for 4 years but he has been their father their whole lives and he needs to take on the parenting burden. Yes it's hard work but it's not your job to make his life easier. Especially as you're divorcing him because he makes your life so hard.

You have my sympathies at being in this position but it sounds like you're absolutely seeing him for what he is and refusing to enable him any longer. Good on you.

Just read your updates. Definitely don't do school runs. That's not your job! Neither is it your job to have to run them around anywhere. Work out whether a set schedule/routine will give you all security including your DS, or whether ad hoc would suit you. I would keep involved with special occasions/birthdays/Xmas etc so that they know that you haven't abandoned/forgotten them. And, if you can bear being around him, suggest days where you all meet up, but where you don't have them dumped upon you. Maybe also suggest that you meet up with them somewhere (I e. A zoo/restaurant/cafe/play area/park etc so that you can still see them but are not burdened with cooking or entertaining them. Get your soon to be ex to pay for it. In another couple of years time the oldest will be able to babysit your DS and your DSC will need much less input and care from you anyway.

*That's not small to you?!

My middle DC is 12. He's still a child, I consider him small. Not a baby obviously but a child in need of care & support - which he's got from OP since he was 8.

I know, she can't continue in the same vein. But they are small DC.*

Genuine question - when does a child become not a small child to you?

If someone told me they had a small child and they turned out to be 12, I would be very confused.

Lots of excellent posts on here.

He's a very manipulative man.

I think @ejhhhhh sums it up very well.

He’s obviously looking for child care. I would play it that you see the dscs adhoc, ie when you want to see them - maybe a monthly take out for tea thing. Definitely don’t get railroaded into regular set contact.

YANBU whatsoever OP.

I say that as a 27 year old woman who got involved with an older man with kids when I was 23. I was very naive and blinded by good intentions.

Almost 5 years later and I've had enough myself and have one foot out of the door, that's without him ever expecting me to assume the role of a full time mother to them.

Its just too much, too young.

Go. Reclaim your life and be the best version of yourself you can be for your DC.

Do not get tangled up in an agreement for regular contact. Have them over for tea every so often if you like, if it suits you.

As the father to all 3 children, and the ex of both mothers, it's his job to facilitate contact between the DC.

I concur with @Notmoresugar.
You cannot please your ex so don’t take that into account.
If you feel you do need to offer a regular contact time make it one you can live with but it’s not usual to have organised regular sibling contact unless children are in care.
You can always increase contact if it suits yourDC and you but it’s much harder to reduce frequency once expectations have been raised.
Good luck

So, if she's fucking awful, what does that say about the children's parents? You know,their Mum and their Dad? The ones that have the authority and the responsibility for these children?

There gets a point where you have to look after yourself and your own kid. Just because we have vaginas, and lumbered the burden for four years, doesn't mean to say that ultimately, these kids are up to their parents. Poor little buggers that they are.

This doesn't need to be tough or brutal - OP has every right to put herself and her wishes first. I'm sure she tried everything in the world she could for her marriage to work but he's still not listening.

I wonder if he would even bother to facilitate any contact at all if it meant he would need to bring them over and collect them after.

It totally sounds like he wants to carry on as usual.

If you could wave a magic wand and have what you want OP what would that be? Think about that and then get as close to that as possible.

Never think that you are uncaring or someone who abandons others when in actual fact you were the one there doing all the work - giving all your heart.

It's time to give to you now.

It's ok to make whatever decision is best for you - no matter what anyone else thinks or says.

You have no diea what your new life would involve, really, how tired you might be, how stressed etc. I think scheduling anything would be a mistake; far better not to have to cancel things, especially when you know he will make it very difficult for you to change things. You don't want to set them up for disappointment. They are not really babies, and will expect everything to change.

If you go for ad hoc, then it's a treat when it happens.

@DeathStare

I think you are being really mean. You have been the mother-figure to those children and withdraw that relationship from them just because their dad is an asshole is a horrible thing to do to them.

Agree 100%

@DeathStare

I think you are being really mean. You have been the mother-figure to those children and withdraw that relationship from them just because their dad is an asshole is a horrible thing to do to them.

This.

Ah it’s so difficult. While the step kids don’t see you as “mum” you have without a doubt fulfilled that role for the last few years. I don’t think you can underestimate the impact that this will have in them. They’ve already suffered significant loss in their lives and this will be another one, made worse if you aren’t interested in having much contact.

Imagine this - if you’ve done pretty much everything for them over the last few years to all of a sudden you not being there every day…that’s an awful lot for a small child to process.

And for them to be once again rejected by a female carer who they thought was there to love and protect them, will be traumatic.

That said - you shouldn’t feel a responsibility to have contact several times per week or to continue with child care. But I think I would consider more than tea once per fortnight. Even in the short term.

Be clear with your ex that this is for the kids not for him. And don’t get hung up on the fact that it might help him out if you occasionally had all the kids.

@JudgeJerry

Can I ask the PPs who think I'm mean, what they'd have me do? Genuinely I want to hear everyone's opinions.

I think that when you got with this man and then married him you took on the role of "parent" and you can't just get rid of them now because he turned out to be a bastard. You need to step up to the plate because of the the prior commitment you made - you cannot get out of this just because you are splitting from their father. Your step-children must be devastated. Their own mother has little to do with them, their father is useless and now their stepmother who they have been with for so long is just leaving their lives. How sad. Sorry, I doubt this is what you want to hear but you are an adult and they are children - their needs come first and whether you like it or not you made a commitment to them and you can't just walk away now. Divorce you husband but do not abandon your stepchildren. Obviously though your (ex)husband needs to take care of them properly too and be their main carer now but you can't just walk away from them.

@Qwerty789

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I see you haven't answered the question I directed to you Qwerty.

What is it you actually expect me to do? Considering I've spent the entire thread discussing how to remain in contact with my DSC and whether or not that should be scheduled or ad-hoc. What more do you think I should do? Continue being a sole parent to them post divorce?

@JudgeJerry

You've been the major maternal figure in these DCs lives, for as long as the younger one can remember, and close to that for the 8yo.

I think there is a slight misunderstanding. They were 5 & 8 when they moved in with us. That was 4 years ago, they are now 9 & 12.

You also said that you had been in their lives for 3 years before they moved in with your. That means they were 2 and 5 when you became part of their lives, 5 and 8 when you appear to have become their main carer and now they are 9 and 12. So you have been in the 9 year old's life since he/she was a toddler and the older one's life since he/she was 5.
And now you want to walk away from them because you have split with their biological father. Come on, you know this is not possible or right.

@Qwerty789

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That's their dad's fault.

I know men who have been in her position and haven't thought twice about it. The fact OP is even considering staying in touch shows she cares.

This is a very difficult situation. From what I've read, you are concerned about turning into childcare for your dsc as your ex can't be arsed. How to marry that whilst keeping in your dsc lives and their relationship with your own child.

I'd set up a regular contact eg weekly tea or sleepover with dsc to keep them feeling wanted but make it clear the day to day stuff like school pick ups, gp appts all the day to day routine is with you.