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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

999 replies

JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:05

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Upsideandundergarments · 17/08/2021 18:13

I think you are doing all the right things. Your DSC have two parents, if they were abusive then perhaps that would be different but the Dad at least just sounds useless, he needs to step up. (Easier said than done).

It's so hard without really understanding the dynamics but I think you are doing all the right things. Keep lines of communication open with the DSC but don't commit to anything hard and fast. You invite them for dinners/ fun days with their sibling when it suits you and they can choose to accept or decline. Take a step back and enjoy the fun bits as you've been doing the hard slog up until now.

What about when he gets a new GF to palm the kids off on, are you suddenly going to be cut off if they play happy families (You'll have no rights). Equally if find someone else and have another - 3 different sets of kids to manage?

I think you can be kind, loving and open. A fun aunt they can reach out to who cares about them a lot but not a parent.

forrestgreen · 17/08/2021 18:15

Dear soon to be ex.
We need to prepare the children for a big change in their lives. Their need to understand that I won't be their step mum with all the responsibilities that entails. But their siblings mum.
You'll facilitate contact between them as you're their joint father.
I'll be a trusted adult. I'll ring when I'm sorted to invite them over for tea. However you'll need to make sure you've childcare sorted as that's not my responsibility any more.

Gubanc · 17/08/2021 18:17

@Nanny0gg

So, they've been abandoned by their mother, their father hasn't particularly been interested and now their stepmother only wants to know on a limited basis.

I'm sorry, but I feel really sorry for those kids.

But why should it be OP who picks up the actual parents' slack??? She's raised them as best as she could, while their own father did nothing. I believe she's done her fair share and has a right to start living her own life.
BillyWhozz · 17/08/2021 18:19

@Just10moreminutesplease

I feel so desperately sad for those children. You chose to come into their lives and they have lived with you since they were young (a choice they didn’t have the luxury of making).

Your ex sounds awful but that’s not their fault. You might not be obliged to carry on parenting them but abandoning them after you chose to be a massive part of their life is plain callous.

So the OP should...?
ButteringMyArse · 17/08/2021 18:23

@ApplyWithin

She's saying she will no longer be the primary carer or the primary 'fallback' for her STBXH and is trying to find a happy medium

But to the children in this scenario, the person who has always been their primary carer (for whatever reason, it’s not their fault) is now saying that’s enough, I won’t be your primary carer anymore. It’s a bad situation all round but I just don’t know how those children escape unscathed emotionally by it.

They won't escape unscathed unemotionally, and that will be the case whatever the OP does. It isn't within her capability to prevent this, when they have a mother who's barely involved and a father who thinks he's entitled to offload his parenting onto OP. There is no option open to her that will change any of this.
worriedatthemoment · 17/08/2021 18:26

Tough one as not your job to have to parent them but at same time if it was me I would want to see children i have helped bring up and spent time with and it would be important to me what they wanted over my soon to be exdh , even of that meany it helped him
But more like once a week for a couple hrs and follow their lead as they get older

Nousernameforme · 17/08/2021 18:27

Well I think it is sad that the ex didn't automatically assume that he would be taking on all parental responsibilities.

cass5 · 17/08/2021 18:27

@JudgeJerry

You've been the major maternal figure in these DCs lives, for as long as the younger one can remember, and close to that for the 8yo.

I think there is a slight misunderstanding. They were 5 & 8 when they moved in with us. That was 4 years ago, they are now 9 & 12.

OP, I empathize with your position and understand you do not want the added strain of caring for your stepchildren after separating, and technically they are not your responsibility. However, I do find your claim that 'they don't see you as a maternal figure' unlikely to be true. If a child moves with you when they are five, is cared by you on a daily basis, and has close to no contact to their birth mother, I believe they will see you as their mother, even if they don't verbalize it. I understand your position and do not question it, however I am sorry for these children. I hope their father grows up and is able to parent them as any child deserves.
Folklore9074 · 17/08/2021 18:31

@ApplyWithin

She's saying she will no longer be the primary carer or the primary 'fallback' for her STBXH and is trying to find a happy medium

But to the children in this scenario, the person who has always been their primary carer (for whatever reason, it’s not their fault) is now saying that’s enough, I won’t be your primary carer anymore. It’s a bad situation all round but I just don’t know how those children escape unscathed emotionally by it.

Sad as it is they don't escape emotionally unscathed... they will realise that mum and dad couldn't/wouldn't look after them and that is incredibly tough. But at the same time that isn't the OPs doing or her responsibility - 100% on their mother and father who ARE both in the picture albeit at the edges. They now need to step up.
WhereHasAllTheYogurtGone · 17/08/2021 18:35

Those poor kids, all of them.

Sounds like daddy dearest won't be much interested in looking after DC with OP either. EOW plus one evening meal a week having been mentioned, although not finalised. He doesn't seem to give a flying fuck about how much DSC see DC in his care but thinks they all need to see each other lots at OP's house.

Fucking chancer. Before long there'll be another mug atop a pair of tits on the scene who he has babied up so he can manipulate her into free childcare.
"You're the mummy now darling, now look after all the kids"

He's already done it to OP, FFS.

Now he's trying to keep her in place with emotional blackmail.

Forget chancer, he's a complete cunt.

See those DSC if and when you want.
Tell that lazy piece of shit to go fuck himself.

P.S. maybe he should go back to his first ex wife, she has basically used OP in the same way. Him and ex number one are like two peas in a pod.

rothbury · 17/08/2021 18:42

I have worked with men like your STBXH OP.

If he knows, and has fully accepted you are separating, he will already be fishing around for a replacement nanny, this is practically guaranteed.

There are no issues with the children seeing each other regularly at their father's. Yes, it's a shame that the DSC won't see you as often, but I bet most of the posters telling you what a cow you are wouldn't continue to be primary carer for DSC once they had split from their partner.

Good luck with it all.

Original poster
JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 18:44

To the PPs asking if my husband's ex, DSCs mother would care if she found out I was still seeing them, no she wouldn't. There are a lot of issues there, she sadly wouldn't be bothered I suspect.

OP posts:
Clymene · 17/08/2021 18:45

There are a lot of kids I feel sorry for. It's not my responsibility to pick up the slack because their parents are shit though.

tootiredtospeak · 17/08/2021 18:47

I would do it but not as childcare or because its needed. I would be gutted if my DP refused to see my son if we split as we all live together now we are a family. Could you reach a compromise. What timehave you agreed for your DC to spend there and at yours. I wouldn't agree anything that binds you ie school runs every other weekend. I would do once every couple of weeks just you and the kids something fun of they still want you in their life...over time they probably wont in all honesty once they get used to the new situation.

Original poster
JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 18:51

I’m not clear whether you actually want to continue having a relationship with your DSCs. Do you love them? Do you like them? If your STBXH dropped dead tomorrow, would you take custody of them, or pass them onto the hands of social services?

I don't know myself really. I don't want to reject or abandon anyone, the last thing I want is to cause pain to them. But by the same token, no I don't want to essentially be a parent to 3 children at 28 years old. I've done that. It is exhausting and I am so done with it. I just want to be able to move on with my life as much as I can.

Yes I do love them, in our own way. I wouldn't say I consider them my children, despite me doing basically all the care in the past 4 years, I did what they needed because no one else was and we of course do have a bond due to that. I don't though, feel any strong desire to maintain a high level of contact no. It actually makes me really anxious thinking about it because I just know from experience how that will end up which is me feeling too guilty to put a stop to anything and feeling again like I am the only one 'stepping up'.

As for the what would I do if he dropped dead comment, I honestly don't know. That's too much for me to consider.

OP posts:
Diverseopinions · 17/08/2021 18:53

If they have been a family since the youngest DSC was five, then I can quite see how stbx would, initially, think that his kids might go to their former home to visit OP and their half-sibling. We don't know from what has been posted whether this has been an initial presumption on his part, thinking OP will like it and DSC will like it, a presumption that could be corrected and redirected, or, whether he is stubbornly pushing and pushing and pushing for an arrangement he wants, despite OP saying she doesn't think she can manage this - for the sake of her wellbeing.

But I think it is a reasonable assumption that if stbx has custody of his kids and cares for them, that he is caring. His attitude is preferable to refusing to care for them when his ex-wife found herself unable to. He hasn't tried to get his mother or sister to care for them - he has insisted they live with him.

That said, it is impossible to know the full story. I remember there was a post on MN from a lady whose partner worked all the time and expected she, his girlfriend, to entertain and care for his kids. I haven't looked at previous posts, to see if this is the same poster, and I don't think it is, as there was no younger baby mentioned in that thread, but, yes, I can see that certain situations could be abusive to the woman. However, on the face of it, I can see that it is possible that stbx is just reflecting in what he says the content of what his own kids have said to him, and what they will be assuming is going to happen. Maybe the children feel close to OP and think they will be visiting and having some time with her and the little one. They might want a relationship.

RosiePosieDozy · 17/08/2021 18:55

I am 100% with you.

Do not agree to any sort of childcare arrangements with his DC. They are not your children and as you say, you will be opening yourself up to be further taken advantage of. You would be an unpaid nanny.

Tell him that his DC are not your responsibility anymore and you need to arrange the care of your one DC together. I wouldn't mention having them over for the odd dinner yet as your STBXH may try and get you to commit to a regular thing and manipulate you into childcare commitments. I would agree the arrangements with your one DC, get into the swing of things (your DC will be seeing their siblings at your ex's house anyway) and after a while, think about having your DC's siblings over for dinner. Still be wary of being taken advantage of. Don't let having them over for dinner turn into having them for a number of days if you don't want this.

You need to move on and not be beholden to this man anymore. He is draining you.

Thehop · 17/08/2021 18:58

Completely agree with @WhereHasAllTheYogurtGone

Fr0thandBubble · 17/08/2021 18:58

I'm not sure there is a good solution to this... and it's one of the reasons why I don't really like the idea of blended families.

lannistunut · 17/08/2021 19:02

But why should it be OP who picks up the actual parents' slack??? Sometimes, unfortunately, this happens because a decent person comes onto the scene and notices that something isn't being done. It isn't fair, but the whole world is full of people picking up where other people do not.

Repeating what I said earlier, that doesn't mean the OP is obligated to do something, but it wouldn't be the first time a step parent, or aunt, or uncle, or friend who has stepped in when two parents either can't or won't do what is needed.

Ducksurprise · 17/08/2021 19:02

But I think it is a reasonable assumption that if stbx has custody of his kids and cares for them, that he is caring. His attitude is preferable to refusing to care for them when his ex-wife found herself unable to. He hasn't tried to get his mother or sister to care for them - he has insisted they live with him.

I have no idea how you have come to that conclusion, he isn't caring and hasn't cared for them, he has agreed to have them and let his wife sort everything out. He doesn't need his sister or mother as he had an oven ready parent at his house.

Op it is very difficult because the reasons you wish to leave, you can't divorce your husband but continue doing everything that you want to get away from. I do feel very very sorry for the step kids but it is their parents who have let them down.

Ducksurprise · 17/08/2021 19:04

@lannistunut

But why should it be OP who picks up the actual parents' slack??? Sometimes, unfortunately, this happens because a decent person comes onto the scene and notices that something isn't being done. It isn't fair, but the whole world is full of people picking up where other people do not.

Repeating what I said earlier, that doesn't mean the OP is obligated to do something, but it wouldn't be the first time a step parent, or aunt, or uncle, or friend who has stepped in when two parents either can't or won't do what is needed.

But op doesn't want to do this, it's why she is leaving. She is leaving because everything is left to her, you want her to leave the stability of marriage and its associated benefits and take with her the reason she wishes to leave.
wannagetoutofhere · 17/08/2021 19:07

NO is a complete sentence…

Candydreamer · 17/08/2021 19:09

OP your mpstvtecent update sums it up and is your answer. you want to move on - do I feel sorry for the children? yes but I feel sorry for every child who were not fortunate enough to grow up with caring and kind caregivers.

you are 28. you have a job. a life. a young child.

you shouldn't feel guilty - you did by the sounds of it a great job with 2 children who weren't yours, a job that started when you were only 24? it is up to their mum and dad now.

Candydreamer · 17/08/2021 19:09

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