Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

Babysitting? You'd leave a 9 and 12 year old in charge of a toddler?

Are you the OP's ex?

Definitely don't get into any set arrangement with him re DSC. Just say once things have settled down you will invite them for tea every now and then.

If he pushes it just repeat yourself and then say you are not prepared to discuss it further. He is just sorry he has lost his unpaid childcare.

Yes, you are clearly hugely important to you Ex-DH and therefore he should have treated you better, according to your true worth!

The DSC are not your problem at all, that is a starting point. Do what is best for your DC however, that is what I would do. I have friends who lost contact with their half siblings when a blended family then split and they all still have issues with relationships and friendships. Losing siblings this way is very very painful.

They can babysit when they get older. There are lots of advantages to keeping family relationships going. Lots of help to be shared.

Would one after school tea and evening be so hard to manage? They might not want to come so often after a while but you have been in their lives a long time and I think you do have to consider them feeling abandoned by a primary caregiver if you schedule nothing.

From the scared amount of detail in the posts, it would be quite impossible to accurately attribute any motive to the stbx position. He might want to keep loving relationships in the older children's lives. Who knows.

If he were motivated by his kids seeing their sibling, he'd be pushing hard for 50/50 or more.

I'd be wary of ad hoc, it takes more organising. That organising will fall to you, with the added bonus of regular extra opportunities for flashpoints between you and ex. He is not going to willingly accommodate your changing plans, he will just say no and guilt you into changing yours. And if ad hoc slips to sporadic, the DC will think it's you not being interested and you will probably feel guilty about it. I can see the appeal of ad hoc, but scheduled might create an easier mental load and less fraught working relationship with your ex, and a bit of security for the DC. Scheduled doesn't need to mean frequent, and it doesn't rule out additional ad hoc visits.

Totally agree on no school pick ups or overnights though. Both are more about helping ex than making sure children feel loved and wanted.

I do feel sorry for your DSC if you’re particularly close to them which I imagine you would be given how much time they spend with you and their Dad.

Ultimately your life and your decision though, you definitely have no legal obligation to see them.

Okay so to answer further, when I say working all the time I mean full blown workaholic, overtime, weekends, not coming home until nighttime kind of thing, all unnecessary and all because he is absolutely obsessed with his work, it is, unfortunately, the most important thing in his life, an argument we've had plenty of times before. I work full time Mon- Fri but from home so it was always "easier" (in his mind) for me to nip to school, me to cook dinner, me to do the washing, me to take to activities, me to collect when ill, me to have DC at home during school holidays and so on.

I was too young and naive when we got together, I will admit that (I'm still young now!).

As for how I'll answer questions from my DC as to why their siblings aren't around as much, I imagine the same way I'll have to answer the same questions about their Dad when we no longer live together, is that not the same in any divorce? Hard questions will need to be answered.

I do want to be fair but I also don't want to give up my life to accepting being treated like a slave by ex out of moral duty. It's the exact reason I want to leave.

And to PP, yes, they were provided a loving home and were put first... BY ME. You are deluded if you believe he was the one who did this.

If they've lived with you full time for four years and you've parented them, it would be very cruel and damaging to just disappear from their lives. Is it likely your child will go to their father every weekend? Then perhaps have them over for an evening once every week, mid-week. They get to see their sibling regularly, they get to see you. In all likelihood as they go into teenage years and/or they get used to the split they might decide themselves to tail this arrangement off.

I feel so desperately sad for those children. You chose to come into their lives and they have lived with you since they were young (a choice they didn’t have the luxury of making).

Your ex sounds awful but that’s not their fault. You might not be obliged to carry on parenting them but abandoning them after you chose to be a massive part of their life is plain callous.

How on earth can one know whether or not stbx is after free childcare

It sounds like it’s an educated guess based on years of being railroaded into providing free childcare

You have zero responsibility to co parent with him for these 2 children, because you are not their parent. He does not get to palm them off on you any longer.

At 9 & 12 they are old enough to communicate semi independently with you, and I would concentrate on maintaining a relationship with the children that doesn’t have to involve him. Let them know that you want to continue to be in their lives as a friend who looks out for them, even if you aren’t a parent who has to look after them. Knowing that you choose to spend time with them when you have no responsibility to do so will be valuable to them in the future

The best thing you can do for your dsc is force their dad to step up and parent by not agreeing to do childcare.

If you want to see them (and I think I would after being the main carer for so long, bit you might feel differently) then you invite them over ad hoc for the reason of maintaining the relationship, not to provide childcare.

Hi OP,

Please ignore the martyrs on here - I think they spend their time trying to make other mums feel guilty.

You have NO responsibility to these children and as you have outlined, it was your DH's selfishness which has caused this divorce. You have finally seen the light, do not go back to being his default childcare.

I think you should have firm boundaries and have very limited (or no contact, if that suits you best) with the DSC. Otherwise he will keep pushing at your sense of duty and kindness until you are the full time carer of them again.

You might have been better served posting this on the Step Parents forum, as there are probably more realists on there (but I don't know, perhaps the guilt trippers hang out over there too.)

@Diverseopinions

From the scared amount of detail in the posts, it would be quite impossible to accurately attribute any motive to the stbx position. He might want to keep loving relationships in the older children's lives. Who knows.

The OP. Who has told you.

Why are you so determined to think her a liar, and the ex a lovely man who is just painfully misunderstood?

On MN all we ever have is the evidence of the poster. She has stated that his leaving ALL - ALL - the responsibility for home and children to her, despite her repeatedly telling him she couldn't accept that, and even asking for therapy, was a significant factor in the decision to leave him.

You are saying she should keep meekly providing this man with her services for his children, while also doing the vast majority of the care of the one they share. And you think that's lovely and fluffy and kind, ignoring the reality that she has been exploited all along, as a young woman who married a significantly older man, and she wants that to stop. Now. So she can have her life back.

She did not have three children. He did. Yet she has done the vast bulk of their care.

How on earth can one know whether or not stbx is after free childcare?

Because the OP has repeatedly said so, and convincingly. Unless you know them, then people here will assume she knows very, very much better than you.

Why are you so invested in this woman providing free childcare for this man?

I feel for you OP - and for those kids.

In these circumstances I would tell your dh that you will of course see the children but under no circumstances will you commit to any kind of a schedule or any school pick ups or the other parenting you did because he refused to. Just a hard no.

Then have a separate conversation with the children when appropriate and tell them of course you will still see them. Maybe come up with a schedule for the first month of them coming for tea on a saturday or whatever. I would not have any overnights for a good while.

I have no idea why working is a justification for doing nothing else? Don't most people work? I worked, dh worked and we managed to organise school lifts/pick ups/cooking/cleaning/putting to bed despite that. So did most people I know.

Contact with them will have to be on your terms. It sounds as if you care about them, and I am sure you'll be considerate of their feelings. But ultimately, you need to live your own life. Invite them on your terms, to spend more time with their sibling and keep in contact with you.

Is he moving out, @JudgeJerryor are you and when-apologies if you’ve answered that already?

You might not be obliged to carry on parenting them but abandoning them after you chose to be a massive part of their life is plain callous

I understand that you were naive and young. However, you were still an adult and made a choice even if you were somewhat manipulated. These children otoh had no choice and have already been abandoned by their mum and now you seem to want the same.

I think you should be very careful how to approach this even if it is to prevent your own dc from being damaged. I get you want a clean break from him. But I would try to separate him and his desire to palm the kids off from the children themselves. I think a couple of hours for a quick midweek tea 20ish times a year as you’re proposing really isn’t enough for your child even if you don’t want to consider his siblings.

This is going to be very damaging. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t do one night a week for the children, not your stbx.

To me, dinner once a fortnight would be him picking them up from school and dropping them off to me and him picking them up too although I wouldn't really mind dropping them off if necessary. I do know id have to be very strong with these boundaries though, I can certainly picture the 'im running late, could you grab from school instead' type phone calls already.

I think this would be lovely and more than enough.

If he rings in the lead up to collection time don't answer the phone if you think he might try to railroad you.

I think a couple of hours for a quick midweek tea 20ish times a year as you’re proposing really isn’t enough for your child even if you don’t want to consider his siblings

That would be in addition to when they see each other at exes house though as well.

This really isn't about the sibling contact though is it? DSC will see their half sibling regularly as OP has explained - the father will be having them a couple of times in the week and EOW as a starting point.

It isn't OPs responsibility to facilitate this other than making their child available.

I think a couple of hours for a quick midweek tea 20ish times a year as you’re proposing really isn’t enough for your child

But the child will see the siblings all the time, whenever they are all together at the dad’s house.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t do one night a week for the children, not your stbx

Well, I completely understand why she wouldn’t want to.