Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

Bottom line is he’s one of those men who picked up a new wife to deal with his childcare and housework so that he didn’t have to.

You have quite rightly got fed up with this and are leaving.

Of course he’s panicking as he may have to do some parenting and domestic work.

Stand firm, it’s up to him to facilitate contact with his children. He can invite you and DC round for a meal regularly if he likes.

He will no doubt move on to some poor new woman soon enough.

If the DSC don't see their mother often, due to her issues, then it will be nice for them to have a warm loving place to visit often, which is familiar to them, where the adult doesn't have issues, which has been their home for some time, and where they feel wanted

Why can these kids not have this with their dad, you know their actual parent?

He's put the children first and appears to have provided them with a loving home

Nah he outsourced his parental duties to the OP, now she has had enough and he is still trying to outsource this to her.

keeping on two homes now, instead of one, it is going to be a lot more expensive. I imagine your husband is going to need to work long hours: and you too

But you are only suggesting that the OP increases her workload and her childcare load, while the man who fathered these kids gets to have free time at the OP expense. What a load of dick-pandering nonsense.

If he really cared about his children that much then he would have worked on his marriage better instead of driving their step-mother away. This is the consequences of his selfishness.

Don't commit to something regularly because there will always be expectation there and therefore the potential for disappointment. THAT is unfair on the SC. This situation is not unusual. Plenty of children grow up with siblings in seperate homes and parents elsewhere. As long as everyone is civil it'll be fine.

Would posters here expect step fathers to be taking responsibility and having contact with their DSC?

I would yes definitely. I’ve got a family member who was brought up from age 8 by a step father, he was then a very close and loving Grandfather to her children. He is also the Dad to her younger siblings. When he separated from their Mum he gradually stopped seeing them at all and she was heartbroken and confused even as an adult!

You might need somebody to do your shopping for you, when you're elderly. Why not do everything you can to nurture the relationship with DC, DSC and stbx?

Do you really think a man who won't raise his own kids will be helping out the OP with a bit of shopping when she is sick or elderly?

OP you've had the patience of a saint on this thread. Don't feel you have to be anyone's whipping boy. You can pick and choose who you respond to.

I think that this is a brilliant opportunity to create your new boundaries. Facilitating contact between your DC and their half-siblings is a lovely, nurturing attitude. I'm sure you will do what you can to ensure your DC is available when your ex has them. Perhaps you'll be flexible on your weekends, to allow him to take them all out for an extra day together? Who knows?

There is no way I would be in loco parentis for the ex-step children though.

He's put the children first and appears to have provided them with a loving home: why not nurture that idea and go the extra mile to promote loving and supportive relationships all round?

I really don't agree with this. He's a lazy arse who wants to continue exploiting OP and he is decidedly not putting his DC first. If he were, he's have listened to OP all the countless times she asked him to parent his own children.

He's reaped what he's sown. Like a million other female lone parents, he'll have to juggle childcare and work - just as OP will, just as I did for over a decade.

The OP needs a break to re-set. I think ad hoc and occasional coming-for-tea days is fine for now. Then these can evolve.

@Dontbeme

If the DSC don't see their mother often, due to her issues, then it will be nice for them to have a warm loving place to visit often, which is familiar to them, where the adult doesn't have issues, which has been their home for some time, and where they feel wanted

Why can these kids not have this with their dad, you know their actual parent?

He's put the children first and appears to have provided them with a loving home

Nah he outsourced his parental duties to the OP, now she has had enough and he is still trying to outsource this to her.

keeping on two homes now, instead of one, it is going to be a lot more expensive. I imagine your husband is going to need to work long hours: and you too

But you are only suggesting that the OP increases her workload and her childcare load, while the man who fathered these kids gets to have free time at the OP expense. What a load of dick-pandering nonsense.

Agree.

She's divorcing him because he's a lazy fucker who doesn't look after his own kids, because a woman in the house can do it. And your answer to her new life, free of being his servant, is to continue to be his servant but this time at her own cost - 'working long hours' to afford to care for his kids?

He moved into her home, and then his kids did. And then sat back and expected her, while working, to do all the housework and childcare, even though most of the kids were not her own. Why the hell would she want to continue that situation, when she left him to get out of it?

Yes, I think she should see the kids sometimes so they don't feel abandoned. But they are not her children! The primary responsibility should always have been his - and as his ex, wholly his. She is akin to a nice aunt or godmother.

They have two parents already. And from the sounds, neither one has ever put their children first - they only moved in with him when he had OP living in to look after them, so in fact he has never taken responsibility for their care himself. It's about time he started. If he wants an unrelated woman to do it, then he can employ and pay her.

I hugely sympathise with you, it’s not fair for him to essentially continue to use you for free childcare; to take advantage of you still even though that is one reason you are splitting up.

That being said I do feel for the children here. I think regularity is key. Can you say that you will take the children for one afternoon per week, for example (eg collect from school, all have dinner together, drop them off)? That way they will not feel abandoned but you don’t have to commit to much. I think the key is making sure that commitment is stuck to by him, and the boundaries don’t start to slip.

I feel for you, I really do, and I can totally see that you don't want to continue in the same situation with your DSC as you have been for the last 4 years, once you separate from feckless stbexH.

But I also feel for the kids. They have a disinterested father, who has, while taking paper responsibility for them, shuffled off their actual care onto you. They have a mother who isn't able to care for them. And now they're likely to only see you once a fortnight, or thereabouts.

It's a bit rough, hey. 9 and 12 - not comfortable ages at all, especially if the 12yo is heading into puberty (and even more so if the 12yo is a girl!)

If you need to lay down boundaries now, then I think I would suggest having them over to yours on a set evening every fortnight, to alternate with the set evening/night that your DC goes to theirs - say Weds, for the sake of argument. Then they see you every fortnight, they see their halfsibling every week on the same evening, alternating between your home and theirs. That way there is no shillyshallying around with "oh could you have them this Tuesday, I have to work late, they've got karate/swimming etc" - No. *Wednesday is the day and that's it. It also allows you to set your schedule too.

*or whatever day you pick.

I feel that you could, maybe, if you want to, have them over to yours on one day of the weekend that you have your DC at home too - or maybe just for lunch, or maybe just to go to the shops together or go out somewhere together. Not with their father, obvs! just you and the kids. But that's up to you too. The DSC might not want to do that, either.

Whatever you do choose, it's going to be painful for all concerned until a new rhythm is established - and, as I said, I do totally understand that you do not want to be taken advantage of - so it kind of makes sense for you to decide what your maximum offer is and then stick to it. Start at a minimum in negotiations, but do not allow yourself to be coerced above your maximum.

What a CF! He just wants you to continue sorting out all the kids as he's panicking about having to be a full time parent and realising he's not going to have any of free time of his own.

Sort out the arrangements for your own DC and see the to DSC at your convenience and their benefit not for his.

Tbh I bet with a man like this a new woman won't be too far in the future and when he moves her in do you know where you will stand with the DSC? Absolutely bloody nowhere I bet because you'll no longer be needed.

Such a tricky situation that you seem to be really thinking about.

My dad has married a few times! And while I never lived with him I did form strong relationships with my stepmum and still see her 4/5 times a year.

So my take, you want to see and continue the relationship with the SC but you don’t want it to develop into you being the parent figure, which is a tricky balance.

I think every other Sunday afternoon might be a nice option, no school runs to consider, you can either stay home or go out for the afternoon, drop off and pick ups will be less fraught as more flexible timings etc...

Then sleepovers only once during the school holidays as a treat (Easter, Summer and Christmas - not half terms and only for 1 night).

Then it is on your terms, no parenting but you are still a presence in their lives. When they get older they will be able to say more how they want the relationship to go. I loved having another trusted but slightly independent adult when I was a teen.

Although they are your step children they are your child's siblings and stopping contact/very limited contact is going to be very tough on them.
I do truly sympathise with your dilemma but I do think regular contact such as already suggested is the way forward.
How do you answer questions your child may ask about not seeing their siblings except at their father's. it's not ideal but for the children's well being surely it's important to maintain regular contact at both homes.

Do you know what the custody arrangements will be for your DC? Can you base it around that? So for example if he has your DC every other weekend you have the DSC every other Sunday (on the weekends that you have your DC) so the DSC get to spend at least one day every weekend with their sibling and you get a child free weekend every other weekend? That way you can still spend quality time with your DSC but are not lumbered with any of the school runs, overnight stays etc.

He's put the children first and appears to have provided them with a loving home

Lmao wtaf?

For the people who think the OP is being mean to the children- you have to remember that every family dynamic is different. I’m a step mum myself and would be devastated if we broke up and I wasn’t able to spend time with my DSS- I know I wouldn’t as DH views his time (50/50 custody) with DSS as very precious and wouldn’t happily give up any of it. However this is not the case here and the exH sounds like a useless dad who needs to take responsibility for his own children.

@Dontbeme

You might need somebody to do your shopping for you, when you're elderly. Why not do everything you can to nurture the relationship with DC, DSC and stbx?

Do you really think a man who won't raise his own kids will be helping out the OP with a bit of shopping when she is sick or elderly?

I’m sure he won’t, but the DSC might.

@JudgeJerry

I wouldn't class it as I chose to be a full time parent to them though. I was, because my husband ended up being absolutely useless and despite me repeatedly trying to get him to do more he didn't, so yes I dealt with day to day aspects of parenting out of necessity because he wouldn't, I didn't choose that, it wasn't what I wanted (and I am sure my DSC would have preferred their Dad to be more involved too!).

Nope, he wants to continue to use you as childcare. I would put firm boundaries down, and stick with the boundaries.

I have had two step fathers and two step mothers. I text one of the step fathers sometimes since the split is recent and I am an adult who enjoys his company, but haven't seen the others since I was 12 and 15. I'm 47 now. None of them ever played a parental role, i didn't hug them or look for help or reassurance from them. I got on well with three of them and hated one of them. But I was never bothered if I saw them or not.

@ButteringMyArse

He's put the children first and appears to have provided them with a loving home

Lmao wtaf?

In a nutshell.

He's put the children first and appears to have provided them with a loving home: why not nurture that idea and go the extra mile to promote loving and supportive relationships all round?

WTF!?

The only person he has put first is himself, and he has thrown away his marriage in the process.

Have you had any ideas about what you’ve decided to do?

He's put the children first and appears to have provided them with a loving home

By… finding a woman who’d do all the work?

Yes. He totally deserves a round of applause for having acquired a female to provide parenting and childcare services for him.

@JudgeJerry

That was another point he made, regarding our DC and contact between siblings. That my DSC will be devastated not to see their sibling as much anymore and I do actually agree with him there, that will be the toughest on them I think as they absolutely adore our DC.

Then he sees more of your joint child so his children can see their sibling..

I do understand how hard this is but he just wants you to continue facilitating his easy life and before you know it every other weekend whilst he goes out.

I would spend time with them as you planned. However, you are not their parent and you cannot make any decisions for example, an accident or something to do with school.

He will have to grow up and parent like the rest of us.

There is not a lot of actual detail about who did which roles. ' He was always working' sounds like a reasonable justification for not doing much else: better than ' He was always online'; ' He was always out with his mates'. You do have to work hard when you've got three kids to support. It's quite a good fault to have, working a lot - as long as you're getting paid for it. The OP works too, but we don't know how many hours. There may have been a gross unbalance, but OP doesn't specify.

Taking things at face value, and imagining all the childcare devolving to OP, then, yes it is hard. But surely at the age they are, the DSC would have done some jobs around the house.

It sounds like an unusual situation because stbx 's first wife, can't look after her kids. That must be hard for them. I suppose everybody has to make sacrifices to make sure it isn't heartbreaking for them - just difficult.

A 'schedule' could mean anything. It could mean Thursday evenings. Why would that be so bad, to see your kid having fun with their siblings, and getting together again, once a week, and finding out how they are doing and what's new in teenageland? Without knowing what the schedule is, it's impossible to say if it's unreasonable. Stbx saying 'They should stay with you half the week' would be unreasonable. But not wanting to have a schedule at all sounds like wanting to avoid admitting a kind of responsibility for the DSC, or an official stake in their life. Again, without knowing the details, it is hard to say how hurtful that would be to them.

It is tough when kids who are disadvantaged by their birth mother's issues, gain a loving home, and then it is broken. Who wouldn't want to nurture their feelings? Obviously, both adults will be working longer hours to keep two homes going, so it won't be easy for stbx to do the things he'd like to, with all the kids. As a pp says, the older DSC might babysit, which would really help.