Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

he is in agreement that the majority should be with me

What a surprise

Definitely no overnights and no school runs, pick up or drop off and I’d say once a fortnight at most for a nice catch up, something like your idea of tea. Stand firm, I know it’s hard and you’re torn but you can always up contact later when it suits you. Remember this is on him. Don’t accept the guilt.
‘They’ll miss their half brother soooo much’
‘Yes It’s a shame you treated me like their nanny so we had to get to this point.’

@MotherofTerriers

I think I'd avoid agreeing to anything regular to start with. Occasional dinners at yours, when it suits you. This can then evolve into a regular thing - again if it suits you to do this If you sign up for something now which solves a bit of his childcare problem, he'll be pushing to increase it. He needs to sort out proper childcare. Then work out when/if the stepkids see you. At the moment he's conflating the two. You aren't being mean at all

I agree with this OP - he needs to sort out his childcare - you are not their nanny, and you are no longer his wife, so on all fronts, no is a complete sentence.

Do not be ground down by the ridiculous notion that you are somehow still responsible for his children.

@QueenBee52

OP do what suits you 🌸

That's just so horrible (and not what OP has said, as she's trying to think of the DC)

If you are an adult who has actively participated in small DC's lives (DSC in this case), I think morally you can't do this. You can't 'do what suits you'

Adults have choice; children don't. They deserve the best possible outcome that can be meaningfully achieved, with due respect to OP and her preferences. But not 'do what suits yourself'. Ugh.

I strongly suspect in his mind he'd be expecting continued help with school, hobbies, overnights, and all the rest

Why all the assumptions? Just communicate with him and have conversations about what he has in mind, then go from there.

Sounds like you have very collapsed boundaries, so you're going to the opposite extreme of trying to form very rigid ones to make a point.

Also you sound very angry, I hope you're having counselling , as they can help you work all these emotions and feelings out, and it'll help your boundaries too.

I think you treat them as you would a niece or nephew (close cousins of your children), or treat them as you would as if you were a disney dad. Still see them, have fun with them, but don't get involved in any of the grunt work in facilitating his care of them.

So drop your kids off at his for him to facilitate playdates or having a meal all together. Have them round to play or include them on days out. But no taking them to hobbies, school runs, etc. or things that you wouldn't for a good friends kids unless it was an emergency or you had a reciprocal arrangement

Sounds like he wants free child care to me op x

Might I suggest that if your DC is at your exH's for EOW type of contact, the weekend concludes with a "blended family" meal to which you are invited so that your DSC get to chat with you.

Your exH would need to cook naturally and you could just turn up and dine, enjoying the catch up with your DSC before heading back to your own home with your DC.

OP, this is so tough. Yes, these kids will have bonded with you as a responsive, committed adult in a situation where neither of their parents were stepping up to their responsibilities, but no, that does not make you their parent and that does not make you responsible for their day-to-day care.

As pp have said, I would focus on the quality time. So once a month/fortnight, I might have them at the weekend for a day out with my DC. If it's for anything special (zoo etc.), their dad pays for them. If it doesn't suit you, you can rearrange/cancel. Their dad drops them off and picks them up. No school runs, no afterschool care, no parenting duties. Your role is essentially that of a fun aunt.

@GetTheCarPenfold

Might I suggest that if your DC is at your exH's for EOW type of contact, the weekend concludes with a "blended family" meal to which you are invited so that your DSC get to chat with you.

Your exH would need to cook naturally and you could just turn up and dine, enjoying the catch up with your DSC before heading back to your own home with your DC.

I think that's totally messy, as well as being so slight as to make no difference to the DSC.

Also from OP's accounts, it seems clear that her ex wouldn't do this in a fit, so it's a non-starter.

We haven't come up with anything formal yet but he is in agreement that the majority should be with me. It will likely be EOW style but with a couple of evenings a week for tea after nursery with me collecting after work.

What a chancer. That would not be normal in this situation in most families, even if you were on board and available to do it.

What kind of confusing messaging is he sending his kids here? Surely that's more damaging than the reality / clarity of doing things properly.

He seems to want you to continue to do their care to a massive level, despite being such a knob that you've left him. Damaging emotionally, all this chaos in their lives - and he's bringing more in!

Give him an inch and he’ll take a mile. Say you’ll see the other kids when you drop yours off at his. Say you’ll come in for tea and cakes or something.

Anything else, and he will see it as you are still partly responsible for them.

Im going to go against the grain here. I dont by any means think YABU but Im thinking from the position of the step DC. I lived with DM and had EOW contact with DF & DSM. She was around from me being 2 to 16. She had children with my DF. One day they split up and she left with the DC. Her DC still saw our DF (and therefore me) but she didnt give me a backwards glance. She was in no way my mother...but she was a family member and, I thought, cared about me. So it hurt to see "real feelings" laid bare and me not considered part of her family, when I had done nothing wrong.

So, if it were me and if it wouldnt be too much trouble, I would say every other week on a set day you have dinner at your house then take them home. Just to give them a sense that they do actually matter. Otherwise they may feel theyve just been left behind. Once theyre teens I doubt they will want to come anymore anyway.

Will the DSCs' mum step up once you are out of the picture, or will she carry on with the very sporadic contact?

I think, whilst I understand why you’d be reluctant to commit to anything, it would probably be better if you have a strict day that you spend with the DSC precisely to stop the creep of him asking/wanting for more.

I’d commit to one day a week that works for you. Collect from school because that stops any silly buggers from him either expecting to be in your home when he drops them off or last minute requests to collect. I’d commit to that for a set period of time - say a year before reviewing it.

One day a week/fortnight that should say

He’ll need after school care surely? So that needs to be paid for. Once he has sorted after school clubs and holiday cover that only leaves weekends really?

I would suggest you don’t commit to anything other than ad hock, I think you’ll find he’ll start to bad mouth you once you’ve left and blame you for his failings at least initially, of OP didn’t tel me about the dentist appointment, OP didn’t remind me to get a PE kit etc etc

I wouldn’t get into you seeing thr DSC at his or shared meals. That’s too confusing

Wow - at least you have proof that this guy would never change...he still isn't hearing you and thinks you're there to make his life easier.

It's obviously a tricky one but I think the matter to get straight first is contact with your shared dc. I wouldn't agree to anything formal with your step-children. You don't have an obligation to them and I think a formal agreement would make you resent the situation as he is likely to take the piss.

Personally, I wouldn't get involved in anything that enables him to opt-out of his responsibilities e.g. school runs, 'babysitting' when he is doing hobby. Any arrangement should be ad-hoc and you inviting them over to spend time with your shared dc.

How would you describe your bond with your stepchildren? Do they behave with you? Do they respect you? Do you give them advice or do they confide in you? How do you see your role - as a distant aunt? A family friend? Something closer? What would you like it to be?

Definitely ad-hoc, would you liase directly with the eldest, eg me and DD are going to the movies later fancy it?

Causal contact, nothing written down, nothing expected, nothing he can twist to his advantage. You don’t owe him and therefore them anything but it is nice you want to continue being in their lives however it needs to be on your terms and you need you keep your boundaries firm.

I’d be interested to know what the posters who think you're ‘mean’ think you should do? Continue to act as a step parent with no legal rights to confuse the children about the status of the relationship and then to be pushed out when exH moves on? Yeah sure of course

You can guarantee that if OP commits to regular diarised contact, he won't be available to do childcare for HIS children at all then, and she'll have to negotiate for kids that aren't even her responsibility.

For example, if you change work commitments or your child wants to join a club etc on the night you have this bizarre formal arrangement for step children, or just want to go and get ice cream rather than do the school run to collect his kids.. you can GUARANTEE he's going to be at work, or doing a hobby, etc.

and then the stepchildren become OP;'s childcare problem.

not his.

he's never going to feel the logistical pain of being a main parent, is he, when he has a willing vagina owner to offload all the boring bits of being a parent onto.

I genuinely don't know why some posters are suggesting you have a scheduled dinner/overnight etc etc.
Why would you do that?

You don't sound like the type of woman who won't bother with them any more now that you are divorcing their dad although you'd be perfectly within your rights to do so.

But it should be all on your terms, on an ad hoc basis when you choose. I'm thinking the occasional dinner at yours or picnic on a sunny Sunday.
But you definitely have to be prepared for his post divorce strategy - get his children to ask you week in week out if they can come and see you, they miss you etc. There is no way this isn't coming. But still, I wouldn't be getting into any official co-parenting agreement with him.

Incidentally if he decided to cut all of your contact with his children upon your divorce, you'd have absolutely no rights whatsoever to see them. You have neither rights to see them nor responsibility for them.

I see lots of ‘his children are not your responsibility’. Officially not, but you knew the score when you took him on when you were in love with him. I think you need to handle it as sensitively as you are able and to just cut contact with a person who is a stable, caring, adult figure in their lives seems quite mean-and that is what various posters are suggesting. It would be lovely to walk away with no glances behind you but the fact they have a sibling in your child, you have been part of their lives for a massive proportion of theirs mean it would be a kind thing to do to start off by seeing them regularly with your child-even having them to stay sometimes with you and your child. See it as a kindness to 2 children who are powerless in this situation rather than an obligation to your ex. They have a physical bond with your child-who I imagine would be upset if they were relegated to the occasional tea out. Over the next few months, they can adjust to the new situation and you would be able to lessen your contact.

I don't know what people who are crying 'think of the children' expect.

The OP will be, in short order, legally nothing to this children, not even a legal guardian. The siblings will see each other often - at Dad's house - and will likely see each other at OP's house every so often. She can keep up birthday and Christmas gifts. She can stay interested in their lives and involved to a (distant) point.

Dad will have married himself another nanny woman within a year or two, and the cycle will carry on. It is sad but it is not a problem the OP can or should fix.

Don't be guilt tripped op, you want to separate because he's a lazy, useless arse who expects you to do all the work in the relationship but you separate and end up doing all the work (child care) because he's a lazy, useless arse.
You may as well stay married.
Clean break, no school runs, no child care, don't engage.
If you want to see dsc you arrange it on an ad hoc basis, when it suits you, you can keep in touch with the dsc via phone, WhatsApp but don't get tied down to a specific day every week and no overnights.
They're his DC, you can be kind, help them through the transition period, stay in touch, I feel sorry for the dsc but in reality they're his DC not yours