Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being upset and angry because my ex's girlfriend pierced my daughter's ears?

380 replies

thecatmother · 17/08/2021 10:11

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced.
I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together.
My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing.
We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced.
In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside.
I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

OP posts:
mam0918 · 17/08/2021 14:54

skodadoda - I dont know any school that allows piercings.

It clearly in all my kids primary school policies that they aren't allowed and reposted after every halfterm - if a child goes in with earrings in a parent has to go in to remove them (they wont even let the child or a family friend etc - they litrally make you leave work etc... to go remove them).

My schools (I attended 2 secondary schools this was 15-20 years ago) and my oldest DS secondaty school also clearly list 'no jewellery' and it was/is an offense that would land you in isolation.

Its also a common reason kids from the 2 local accademy schools are sent home (because some parent is alway complaining about it) so its a rule there too.

Whyo · 17/08/2021 14:57

“That’s actual physical assault.” No it definitely isn’t. For one piercings and tattoos are exempt from the meaning of assault. It does not magically become assault because the dad’s girlfriend took her and not her mum, don’t lower the meaning of words.

OP you’ve handled this brilliantly so far. She’s completely out of line doing this without your permission. It’s also something I’d expect to leave to a mum as a “mum daughter” day out, it does sound like she’s trying to play mummy again. Definitely raise it with him and her if you feel comfortable. She completely overstepped a boundary and you’re not unreasonable at all for saying so.

LakieLady · 17/08/2021 14:59

@StrangeToSee

That’s actual physical assault

How is it assault unless she forced the child to have her ears pierced against her will?

It sounds like your DD was eager to get them pierced and happy for her dad’s partner to take her. Maybe even asked the girlfriend to take her or pressured her. Of course the girlfriend was in the wrong but before getting angry with her I’d check she knew you hadn’t been asked. Is your XH the type to say ‘oh yes her mum won’t mind’ without actually asking you?

Morally I think it’s very wrong the girlfriend did this, and also bad that your XH allowed it to happen (if he didn’t trust his partner why did he let them go out unsupervised? Who lets a child get her ears pierced without the consent of the parents?) Are you sure he didn’t agree to it and is now blaming it all on the girlfriend? Did the piercing place check she wasn’t the mum?

It may well be. The child is too young to give consent, so if the law requires parental consent, the GF can't give it. The piercing might have been done illegally and in the same way that medical treatment without consent can be assault.

If her father gave consent, that's ok in terms of the law, but still out of order not discussing it with her mother.

But it's the encouragement of secrecy that would be pissing me off the most.

girlmom21 · 17/08/2021 15:08

if a child goes in with earrings in a parent has to go in to remove them (they wont even let the child or a family friend etc - they litrally make you leave work etc... to go remove them).

They don't though, do they, because there's no way they could actually physically make you leave work...

TenThousandSteps · 17/08/2021 15:13

Pierced ears now then what? A tattoo? A pierced navel? It isn't the ex GF's child nor did she seek permission from any parent. If it was me I would be in a blind rage and would have consulted a lawyer by now, or the police to ask advice. She has no right to touch a child that is not hers.

putthebinsout · 17/08/2021 15:14

I was curious so looked it up and There's actually no law in the Uk regards piercing unless it's an intimate piercing. Interesting.

So it would only be assault if the child didn't consent. Like if it was held down and pierced against its will.

Boredmotherofone · 17/08/2021 15:15

@SpaceshiptoMars

I would be apoplectic and would do whatever it took to prevent this woman from seeing my child. No matter who disagreed, nor what extreme lengths I had to go to. This was absolutely a passive aggressive power play - a dig at OP, to say "Look what power I have" It's deeply concerning and I don't take risks with my children.

You cannot dictate to your ex that his girlfriends must defer to you or no contact. Try enforcing that in court! You can only appeal to his sense of what is reasonable.

The GF is quite likely an airhead, and didn't give a moment's thought to the consequences. If she had her ears pierced early, and more people involved in her childhood, she might be baffled why you would mind.

In the longer term, a good relationship with her is very useful to you. If you want to swap around contact weekends, take a holiday unexpectedly, need a day off for a hospital appointment - who are you going to ask? Frost up the relationship from the off, and all this is lost to you.

Oh I absolutely could and would! A surgical procedure was done on a child too young to give consent and without parental consent - that's legally classed as assault! - whether you agree or not, that's what it is. This gives the mother grounds to stipulate supervised contact only until a court says otherwise. I find it extremely unlikely a court would disagree with putting caveats on the father's contact, stipulating that whilst under his care, the child was not to be brought around the woman who assaulted the child.

Without saying what my occupation is, I am extremely familiar with family court.

putthebinsout · 17/08/2021 15:20

@Boredmotherofone it's not assault though. It's not a medical procedure, it's a piercing and there are no age laws around piercings. Also, the child wanted it done and is old enough to verbalise this. It would only be assault if it was done against the child's will.

Morally it's all kinds of fucked up what this person did but legally it's fine.

putthebinsout · 17/08/2021 15:23

It surprised me too because when my dd got her ears and tummy pierced I had to fill out a consent form and state my relationship to her on it. I assumed it was a legal thing but it must actually just be policy of individual salons.

OP has every right to be cross but best to be armed with the correct information because flying in with talk of courts, assault, police and the law will make her look really stupid. Not that it sounds like that would be her approach anyway

DeflatedGinDrinker · 17/08/2021 15:31

He had no idea what she ate when he had her and didn'tnotice her ears got pierced? Were they not having to clean them after? Was he actually on the holiday? It sounds like the gf does the parenting when he has her no wonder she thinks she is mummy.

SeaShoreGalore · 17/08/2021 15:32

It's deeply concerning and I don't take risks with my children

You are pretty unimaginative though, if you cannot see that there is a very high level of risk to your child if you carry out your stated action.

Rannva · 17/08/2021 15:37

A stranger has had a hole punched through your child. You definitely need to take this further. If cutting off someone's hair is deemed assault upon the person, then so is an illegal - you didn't consent - piercing.

putthebinsout · 17/08/2021 15:38

@Rannva

A stranger has had a hole punched through your child. You definitely need to take this further. If cutting off someone's hair is deemed assault upon the person, then so is an illegal - you didn't consent - piercing.
Cutting someone's hair isn't assault if they've consented... even a child
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/08/2021 15:38

What's really getting me here is that the GF didn't even check in with your DD's father, whether it was ok. She just assumed "parental" responsibility for your 9yo and went ahead.

She doesn't have that responsibility AT ALL. And that is something that needs to be made abundantly clear to her (and to your ex as well!) - she has overstepped massively and it must never happen again.

1forAll74 · 17/08/2021 15:38

Definitely wrong to do this. Parent or parents should be making a decision about ear piercing on a child.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 17/08/2021 15:40

I’d be advising quite strongly and leaving no room for misinterpretation that she cannot make any decisions regarding you dd without consulting you or her father.

YANBU she’s massively outstepped her boundaries.

SunshineCake · 17/08/2021 15:42

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble

You don't know that DD didn't tell GF that she had permission

Everyone is assuming an awful lot on this thread, GF is being demonized quite unfairly in my opinion.

And before anyone comments that I must not have experience, I'm a step-mum (have been for 14 years). I also have a 9 year old DD and I can absolutely imagine my DD blagging whoever she was with that I'd be ok with her having her ears pierced...

I think OP needs to take a step back and calm down a bit. It's really not that big a deal so long as they were pierced properly and safely.

More fool the idiot who takes the word of a child for something so significant.
DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 17/08/2021 15:49

More fool the idiot who takes the word of a child for something so significant.
Blimey, talk about hyperbole.
She had her ears pierced, that's all. Completely reversible and hardly unusual. It's not like she's taken her for gender reassignment or cut off her arm.
Yes the GF overstepped her boundaries but let's not try to pretend ear piercing is some dangerous, fringe pursuit.

skodadoda · 17/08/2021 15:53

@XelaM

Wow so many overreactions here. It's not actually a big deal. It's just earrings. I had mine pierced at 4 and my daughter at about 6. It's just a nice thing to do with a girl.
It isn’t about whether it’s reasonable for a 9 year old to have her ears pierced. It’s about someone other than a parent agreeing to it. Yes, it’s a nice thing for a MUM to do with her daughter.
Buttons294749 · 17/08/2021 15:55

It sounds like the GF is doing all the parenting whilst your child is with them. Your xh not knowing anything sounds like he rarely does the caregiving which is obvs shit

girlmom21 · 17/08/2021 16:01

@TenThousandSteps

Pierced ears now then what? A tattoo? A pierced navel? It isn't the ex GF's child nor did she seek permission from any parent. If it was me I would be in a blind rage and would have consulted a lawyer by now, or the police to ask advice. She has no right to touch a child that is not hers.
This has reminded me: my step mom took me for a piercing when I was 13. It was a cartilage piercing I'd wanted for a while and so she told (didn't ask) my dad if she could take me. My mom had no input at all. I did live with my dad and step mom - but she didn't have parental responsibility for me. Nobody was traumatised or abused or assaulted as far as I'm aware.
dustofneptune · 17/08/2021 16:04

To be honest, GF overstepped the boundaries, but I'm guessing she didn't mean any harm. To one person, ear piercings are a very adult thing and aren't for young children. To the next person, most young kids get their ears pieced, the holes will close up if required, and it's just like makeup or temporary hair dye.

I think it's just a simple case of having a conversation. Just explain your boundaries to GF. Things like hair cuts, hair dye, tattoos (when she's a teenager), etc. - anything that will change her appearance - GF should ask you first.

It's possible GF will be mortified when she realises you're upset. It's hard for step-parents / new partners sometimes, just as it can be hard for biological parents / ex partners when new partners come into the mix.

roadwarrior · 17/08/2021 16:06

If you take the earrings out the holes will close up in a couple of months.

CombatBarbie · 17/08/2021 16:11

@dustofneptune she may not have meant harm but to many children and their parents, getting ears pierced is a big thing. A nice bonding thing would have been to go to a salon and have a nail file and polish. I'd be seeing this as a massive issue on boundaries and trust.

JustLyra · 17/08/2021 16:12

I’d be absolutely livid. It’s downright dangerous for an adult in your DD’s life to be encouraging her to keep secrets from you and her father.

The fact your ex didn’t know shows that your DD didn’t go bounding in after saying “Look daddy…” which is pretty much what every child I’ve ever know have their ears pierced has done.

Can you ask your DD how it came about? Keep it in an excited tone so that she doesn’t feel the need to hide anything and see who’s idea it was.

Swipe left for the next trending thread