Being upset and angry because my ex's girlfriend pierced my daughter's ears?

[thecatmother]

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced.
I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together.
My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing.
We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced.
In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside.
I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

@mam0918

skodadoda - I dont know any school that allows piercings.

It clearly in all my kids primary school policies that they aren't allowed and reposted after every halfterm - if a child goes in with earrings in a parent has to go in to remove them (they wont even let the child or a family friend etc - they litrally make you leave work etc... to go remove them).

My schools (I attended 2 secondary schools this was 15-20 years ago) and my oldest DS secondaty school also clearly list 'no jewellery' and it was/is an offense that would land you in isolation.

Its also a common reason kids from the 2 local accademy schools are sent home (because some parent is alway complaining about it) so its a rule there too.

That hasn’t been my experience.

I would be beyond angry.

@LakieLady the law in this area does not work like that. A breach of statute does not in turn meet the threshold for assault. It’s really not helpful to confidently and persistently comment on matters you don’t know about, particularly as it’s not the issue OP is asking.

Particularly, as there is no law stating a child under 16 needs parental consent to ear piercings in England, this is something PP have assumed and ran with.

That's what I was saying too. OP will look a walll if she runs with some of the assumptions made on here

OP according to another thread your DD lives 50% with her father and gets everything she wants. Seems entirely plausible that she asked for and got pierced ears plus as he's got parental responsibility i don't think there's much you can do.

I think removing them may seem petty, but it’s a massive and much needed message to BOTH dd and gf that you won’t be railroaded or undermined

I’d also have strong words with the ex and ask just how much parenting is he actually doing if (a) this was allowed to happen in the first place and (b) he didn’t even bloody notice

I’d be telling him that unless he’s prepared to be 1-2-1 with his dd that contact would be limited to him collecting for an afternoon contact but no more overnights or weekends

I think removing them may seem petty, but it’s a massive and much needed message to BOTH dd and gf that you won’t be railroaded or undermined

I suspect the GF may have been railroaded here. Inexperienced with 9 yr olds and eager to make her happy! Don't assume the worst - cockup is far, far more likely than conspiracy. If Dad is leaving the parenting to her (how good a parent was he when with you?) - then she may have zero experience with children this age and be playing it by ear. Even if she is making car crash mistakes, she may still have her heart in the right place. Better to treat her as a potential ally than an instant enemy.

I would have absolutely hit the roof!! Good for you staying positive for your DD and not killing her buzz, don't know if I would have had the strength!

I would be having VERY strong words with the GF, and I would fully expect the ex to back me up.

If be very angrrrrrry

@Kollamoolitumarellipawkyrollo

To the point who said at 9 she could have said no. Well yes and no. Children can find it very hard to go against something from an adult they like or feel obliged to please. It’s a dangerous slope.

Yes. My shy DC would go along with almost anything that an adult in charge told them to do.

I think the GF has overstepped a boundary and it needs to be made clear to her she can’t make decisions like that in the future however I would say it was very likely DD has used the situation to her advantage because she WANTED her ears pierced.
It’s quite likely DD may have even lied and said her Mum/Dad was fine with it. Kids will try and push boundaries to see what they can get away with, especially when their parents are separated. Personally I would take the earrings out to send a message to both DD and the GF that only Mum and Dad can make these sort of decisions!

Update: we had the ears checked and although the earrings are not ideal, they are not irritating her. She had it done in a beauty salon. I'm not going to take them out, as it would just cause more drama.
The GF has called me and basically she didn't think it was a big deal (her explanation was that in her family it's normal for family members to get ear piercing as presents, so not anything to mull over),as the DD has been chatting away about her best friend having her ears pierced, and that I said that she could too (naturally, I didn't, well, in the future). Anyway, she has been made very aware of my feelings and she is sorry, and she did apologise.
She has been in my DD life for a few years now, and I can totally see that they both are very fond of each other. I just had to point out to her that when it is anything that cannot be changed she has to ask me first. Luckily we do communicate in a friendly way, and I don't want my DD to worry about the adults in her life. Hopefully it is a lesson learnt for her, and as for my ex , he is now going to have to be more hands on and less "fun".

Love your update, you've been brilliant and handled it so well

@thecatmother

Update: we had the ears checked and although the earrings are not ideal, they are not irritating her. She had it done in a beauty salon. I'm not going to take them out, as it would just cause more drama. The GF has called me and basically she didn't think it was a big deal (her explanation was that in her family it's normal for family members to get ear piercing as presents, so not anything to mull over),as the DD has been chatting away about her best friend having her ears pierced, and that I said that she could too (naturally, I didn't, well, in the future). Anyway, she has been made very aware of my feelings and she is sorry, and she did apologise. She has been in my DD life for a few years now, and I can totally see that they both are very fond of each other. I just had to point out to her that when it is anything that cannot be changed she has to ask me first. Luckily we do communicate in a friendly way, and I don't want my DD to worry about the adults in her life. Hopefully it is a lesson learnt for her, and as for my ex , he is now going to have to be more hands on and less "fun".

I have to say well done for the measured way in which you have dealt with this. You have been careful to consider DD’s relationships in this, despite your justified anger. I guess you’re fortunate that GF has been reasonable about this; so much damage could have been done. Let’s hope everyone, including MNers, can learn from this.

I'd be livid. The way you are handling this and considering your daughters feelings is amazing though, you sound like a wonderful mum 😊

Thank you all once again, we have gone through so much as a family and we all (adults) had to work hard to learn to put our prides aside. But this is almost like a test , and all I kept saying to myself that I will not undo the hard work and that we can get to understanding together. And besides DD is the most important person here. And I am sure it won't happen again, we did have a good chat with GF (after I went to town on her).

You sound very kind and understanding. I’m presuming your ex’s GF is younger. At least she seems so.

@Mummyoflittledragon

You sound very kind and understanding. I’m presuming your ex’s GF is younger. At least she seems so.

She is, a few years. She is not a bad person, and after we spoke, I kind of see why she did what she did. The main thing is she totally understands my feelings and is apologetic. We can move on from here , my DD is very fond of her, and I would rather have her happy then us being at each other throats. The DD has been explained as well that its me who needs to give the permission and that the GF will be checking with mummy from now on.

You have a problem with your exH.
The problem is that he apparently takes very little interest in his own child's whereabouts, safety, and welfare.
Or the problem is that he is lying to you on this occasion about the amount of knowledge he had before this was done.

You also have a problem with the GF, but it's up to your exH to stop being a lazy arse and letting her take over. It's not ok to not know where she is or what she's doing or eating, etc on days she's with him. That is negligence.

Above all though, the comments on keeping secrets are spot on, and this is the biggest issue. The hands off approach of exH is enabling this.

You need to find out in a discreet way what other little adventures DD may have been on with the GF, who she may have been associating with, where she may have been. You need to make absolutely sure that DD doesn't get any hint that you are angry with anyone when you're chatting casually about where, who, what, etc.

Be super casual about the earrings. Ask DD if she wanted them, and if yes, assure her you'll help her with cleaning and keeping her ears healthy. If no, have a heart to heart with lots of listening on your part. Gently ask if she feels comfortable enough to say no to GF, or if this feels uncomfortable to her. Ask if there has been anything else she felt she couldn't say no to. Don't preach. Listen, listen, listen. Nod, hug.

Investigate the shop where the ears were pierced. Demand to see the consent form. Report the shop to your local authority licensing department or public health department if they accepted the GF's word wrt being DD's parent.

Regardless of the explanation and the assurance, you need to talk to DD and find out what else has been going on.

You would have to be spectacularly thick to believe piercing the ears of a minor not related to you would be ok. She must have believed your exH would be ok with it, and you need to talk to him to make sure permanent changes to your DD'S body are to be discussed between you and him alone. What if the GF decided genital mutilation was a 'cultural present'? A tattoo? Botox? More piercings?

@Kiduknot

That’s actual physical assault.

Jesus Christ. Will everyone just calm down.

I would be so annoyed that she had overstepped the boundaries and thought it would be acceptable without parental consent. I wouldn't mind if my dd wanted to get her ears pierced at 9 or younger but I wouldn't want anyone but myself ir her dad to take her. I would make sure the place was reputable and the earrings at least 18carat gold.

Yanbu to be upset, I really would be livid.Your ex needs to make the new girlfriend (or you do) aware of her complete lack of boundaries.

Well done OP, handled well. Glad the ears are ok too.

The DD has been explained as well that its me who needs to give the permission and that the GF will be checking with mummy from now on.
Umm she has a dad too, with equal rights

That sounds like a good result OP.
a8mint a dad only has equal rights if he also has equal responsibility. A dad who delegates everything to the women in his life must accept that it will be the women making all the decisions.