Being upset and angry because my ex's girlfriend pierced my daughter's ears?

[thecatmother]

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced.
I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together.
My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing.
We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced.
In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside.
I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

@Waxonwaxoff0

This thread is nuts.

I'd be annoyed but police? Supervised contact only? It's earrings, they didn't inject heroin into her.

Absolutely

The number of people frothing at the mouth is really quite ridiculous!

@Waxonwaxoff0 @SquirrelCrimbleCrumble

Just because you have a different opinion to somebody, doesn't make them 'nuts'

That would be the last time my child ever spent time with her, I feel angry just thinking about it. You need to meet up with your ex and take about the future because she can't be involved with your dd anymore.

That’s actual physical assault

How is it assault unless she forced the child to have her ears pierced against her will?

It sounds like your DD was eager to get them pierced and happy for her dad’s partner to take her. Maybe even asked the girlfriend to take her or pressured her. Of course the girlfriend was in the wrong but before getting angry with her I’d check she knew you hadn’t been asked. Is your XH the type to say ‘oh yes her mum won’t mind’ without actually asking you?

Morally I think it’s very wrong the girlfriend did this, and also bad that your XH allowed it to happen (if he didn’t trust his partner why did he let them go out unsupervised? Who lets a child get her ears pierced without the consent of the parents?) Are you sure he didn’t agree to it and is now blaming it all on the girlfriend? Did the piercing place check she wasn’t the mum?

@thecatmother

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced. I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together. My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing. We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced. In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside. I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

How have you decided to deal with this OP?

Thankfully this situation won't ever occur with my DC, but if it did, I would be apoplectic and would do whatever it took to prevent this woman from seeing my child. No matter who disagreed, nor what extreme lengths I had to go to. This was absolutely a passive aggressive power play - a dig at OP, to say "Look what power I have" It's deeply concerning and I don't take risks with my children.
Some people just don't respect nor respond to boundaries at all, regardless of what you say to them or how many times you say it. This sort of crap likely will continue to happen, no matter what you say to her or your ex, unless you take action to make sure it doesn't.

[quote Boredmotherofone]@Waxonwaxoff0* *@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble

Just because you have a different opinion to somebody, doesn't make them 'nuts' [/quote]
In the case of @SquirrelCrimbleCrumble, 'nuts' is probably a complement!

@ajandjjmum 🤣🤣🤣

I am genuinely flabbergasted at some of the responses on this thread. I agree with PP who have said it's bonkers!

I actually feel the OP has been one of the most reasonable in her response! If it were me, I too would be upset and angry and I would have also chosen to be positive on the face of things but be having firm words.

However people appear to have their pitch forks at the ready! Accusing this girl of abuse and suggesting legal action/removal of contact (is that how easy some of us would stop contact?!)/calling the police is madness in my opinion. She has clearly made a silly and irresponsible choice but she has meant the child no harm?! I would think she has probably intended to be 'cool' but hasn't thought through the consequences or the repercussions for the OP's feelings either.

Why don't you have a word with her as your ex has done and just say anything like that in future, please don't do it without one of your say sorry and explain how you feel.

I have to say once again because I really don't want dogs abuse here, I would be very angry and hurt but I just don't agree with the above extremities. The original post seemed quite reasonable.

Without one of your say so's that should have read - must preview in future!

@DustandDander

I'd be absolutely raging op I mean RAGING!! I'd take it further with no hesitation

This

Any half wit knows you don’t take a child that isn’t yours for a piercing, or even a haircut !
It seems so irresponsible and also very disrespectful of you. I would also be talking to your dd about how adults, even those that seem nice, encouraging secrets from a parent are doing something very wrong.
I would be going totally nuclear with the girlfriend.

@Butternutsqoosh

I'd be furious!! And I thought my ex's gf taking mine to get their first bras was bad enough 🤬

Jesus Christ I would lose my mind at this

Wow so many overreactions here. It's not actually a big deal. It's just earrings. I had mine pierced at 4 and my daughter at about 6. It's just a nice thing to do with a girl.

YANBU.

If my ex's girlfriend did this, I'd be absolutely livid

"Okay CF-GF, since permanent altering of a body without the appropriate consent of apparently ok, how about I take you to get IDIOT tattooed across your forehead?"

@Pinkyxx

I would be furious. Parental consent is required so she obviously took her somewhere dodgy. Not the GF place to be making parental decisions.

I’d be saying ex is not to leave dd with her again as she clearly doesn’t get this is totally inappropriate.

I wasn't aware that ear piercers make you show the child's birth certificate and your own passport to say you're related. Or provide some DNA evidence of being related.

I imagine the scenario went along the lines of "I'm her stepmother and her Dad say it's fine" and a very excitable 9 year old thrilled at getting them pierced. OP clearly says that the woman is of an age to be the girls mum so I can't really see how the piercer would be expected to examine some chain of evidence that GF has consent.

@XelaM

Wow so many overreactions here. It's not actually a big deal. It's just earrings. I had mine pierced at 4 and my daughter at about 6. It's just a nice thing to do with a girl.

It’s not a big deal for you.

It might not have been a big deal for the OP, but it wasn’t the gf’s place to make that decision.

But just because it wasn’t a bug deal for you doesn’t mean anyone else would be over reacting if someone took a decision to punch holes in their child to put jewellery through.

I would be apoplectic and would do whatever it took to prevent this woman from seeing my child. No matter who disagreed, nor what extreme lengths I had to go to. This was absolutely a passive aggressive power play - a dig at OP, to say "Look what power I have" It's deeply concerning and I don't take risks with my children.

You cannot dictate to your ex that his girlfriends must defer to you or no contact. Try enforcing that in court! You can only appeal to his sense of what is reasonable.

The GF is quite likely an airhead, and didn't give a moment's thought to the consequences. If she had her ears pierced early, and more people involved in her childhood, she might be baffled why you would mind.

In the longer term, a good relationship with her is very useful to you. If you want to swap around contact weekends, take a holiday unexpectedly, need a day off for a hospital appointment - who are you going to ask? Frost up the relationship from the off, and all this is lost to you.

After all it's not as if she's had a kidney removed to warrant layers of parental consent, getting ears pierced at 9 is very very very very very common occurrence.

@CherieBabySpliffUp

Will she have to take them out when she goes back to school? If so, the holes will probably close up so that was a waste of money and pain for nothing! How could your ex not have realised??

Schools will usually ask for them to be covered with plasters for PE. I don’t think many ban them completely.

I would be very upset if this had happened to me. I think you need to have a conversation with your ex and his girlfriend about boundaries and the GF's influence in your daughter's life.

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble

You don't know that DD didn't tell GF that she had permission

Everyone is assuming an awful lot on this thread, GF is being demonized quite unfairly in my opinion.

And before anyone comments that I must not have experience, I'm a step-mum (have been for 14 years). I also have a 9 year old DD and I can absolutely imagine my DD blagging whoever she was with that I'd be ok with her having her ears pierced...

I think OP needs to take a step back and calm down a bit. It's really not that big a deal so long as they were pierced properly and safely.

If this is the case, the adult, ie the gf, should have checked rather than just believe a 9 yo child. Op said the gf has previously stepped over the mask.

I though this was going to be that she asked and her dad gave permision (and maybe she just took her) which at 9 I think would be ok although I could also fully understand you being upset or annoyed
but
even if this woman was a proper full time stepmother who raised the child (which it sounds like she is not as you are her mother) you cant do that without the fathers knowledge/permission.

@XelaM

Wow so many overreactions here. It's not actually a big deal. It's just earrings. I had mine pierced at 4 and my daughter at about 6. It's just a nice thing to do with a girl.

Making unnecessary holes in your own child is bad enough but someone’s else’s is really really bad.

I would be furious. Total overstepping of boundaries and this should/could have been a lovely thing for you to do with your daughter at the right time with permission from her father. I would be raging too.