Being upset and angry because my ex's girlfriend pierced my daughter's ears?

[thecatmother]

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced.
I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together.
My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing.
We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced.
In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside.
I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

Why is this all the other woman's fault and not the dad's? This was some rubbish parenting on his part.

[quote GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]@RevolvingPivot

The dad needs to start paying more attention to what's happening with his daughter

Good point![/quote]
I think he needs to start paying any attention at all!

@thecatmother
I'd be really angry, too.

As a teenager, I withdrew £3 from post office in School dinner hour, and had gold sleepers put in by a jeweller... at 14. My money, my decision.

Parents not overjoyed.

However, had I been taken to the jewellers by a random person, they'd be fuming.

I pierced my DS's ear, and put in a gold post after he refused to go to a girly place! {Done under sterile conditions}

I fully understand why you are so cross.

I'd make it clear that Gfunderstands there is no such thing as a private conversation between her and DD. Anything they talk about, any decision she wants to make, goes by you. They cannot have anything going on between them that you do not know about.

I see big problems in the future, I'm sorry OP, when your DD is 12, 14, 16 and this woman and her values influence your DD's decision. I also force you becoming the strict one (obviously, you are the mum and you will want to establish boundaries, expectations etc) and you have more fun, no boundaries, do or dare GF on the other side?

No way Jose!

This needs to be a benchmark event - life before the ear piercing and life after. A LOT needs to change.

it will force you....

I'll add my 2pence. I'd be upset and annoyed too. But I don't think going ballistic at anyone is going to help and banning alone time with the GF might be tricky for the dad cause way more grief. It sounds like OP has a good relationship with the dad and his girlfriend and wants that to continue. The GF is not some passing fling but also co-parenting. I'd talk to her/ them both and explain how upset you were, that you had promised DD could get at big school and GF doing this without consulting undermines your authority. Tell her you appreciate that she cares for DD but she needs to recognise that things like this should be decided by parents.

You are an excellent mother the way you have handled this for your daughter is so caring and considerate. I think this is for him to sort out and for you to ask about how he plans to proceed. Then maybe both parents to have a chat with dd about what counts as little decisions and what counts as big decisions and that she should check with one of you before big decisions so that you can guide her well (make clear this includes things friends, GF, grandparents, other adults are saying is ok). Just say this is normal stuff blended families have to figure out.

PinkyRedRose.
It is indeed illegal. The shop are supposed to get the parents written permission BEFORE they pierce a childs ears.
Don't think I would go to the police unless the child was adamant that they had not wanted this done. I would however make it very clear to x that this is not acceptable and under no circumstances does his GF get to make any decisions regarding our child.

The girlfriend is either thick as mince or quite conniving. Neither of which reflects well on your ex as he's supposed to have parental responsibility here.

Why is everyone assuming that because it's not Claire's Accessories, that the place was dodgy ? Lots of places do ear piercing and if a gun is used rather than needles it's not exactly something that requires a lot of skill.
I'd rather have it done in a salon than claire's. Mine were done in a hairdressers

Plus just because they look like costume jewellery doesnt mean they aren't proper piercing studs. Lots of the ones Claire's use look like costume jewellery, they are made with other metals than gold, that's all

And whether a 9 year old DD asked or even begged her dad’s gf, it was none of her business and she should have left it to the parents. I would be absolutely furious.

^This with bells on. I think it’s very likely that it was the DD who pushed for this. She may even have lied, and said that her mum had said yes. My DD2 (9) was desperate to have her ears pierced and eventually we said yes. I could imagine her trying to pull a stunt like this.

But the GF should have known better than to simply take her word for it. She should have made sure that mum was indeed happy with it. And she should also have realised that mum would want to take her DD herself not for someone else to do it without consulting her.

I would be livid with the GF, but DD herself would have some explaining to do as well.

Supervised contact only for the father. HE was the one responsible for his child when this took place. He failed her.

That is very unfair. If OP left her DD with a grandparent or childminder who fucked up, should OP only be allowed supervised contact? Clearly the father needs to ensure the girlfriend doesn't have unsupervised access, but there's many a loving and devoted parent has had a friend or family let them down by doing something less than ideal with their DC.

It really doesn't matter if the OP's DD asked for it to be done, said her parents said it was OK or whatever things people are speculating may have happened. No sensible person would have a child's ears pierced on the child's say so. At the very least a normal person would have phoned a parent and asked if it was OK. Even with parental permission I wouldn't want to take a child to have their ears pierced - it's a parental thing to do or family at the very least.
It could have all gone very wrong - if the child had got an infection, and was trying to keep things secret - luckily that didn't happen but any normal person would be aware of the possibilities.

Also if the GF was told by the child that her parents would be Ok with it, why the secrecy ? Why did they not get home and say 'hey Dad look, GF took me to get my ears pierced' ?

Police? The last time DD sees the GF?

Ridiculous, and ultimately massively damaging to OP's DD, the parenting relationship and pretty much everything involving family life in the future.

Fortunately I imagine that OP has more sense, given how carefully she's approached it with DD.

I'd be absolutely furious and would ensure that this kind of decision is never made without consultation again. But jeeze, it has to be handled firmly, carefully and without hysteria.

Agree with taking them out - they’ll heal over and she can get them done another time when she’s older. I would be incandescent with rage and have to calm myself down before speaking to her.

I think you're missing a lot of information here.

If DD's dad really didn't notice, then he wasn't informed either. Did his GF suggest getting your DD's ears pierced? Did your DD beg her and say, 'oh, mum knows, she's agreed?' Why did the GF go ahead?

You need to figure out if

1. the GF is trying to replace you ('here's something fun that only I'm letting you do, because I'm the fun grownup, but don't tell anyone'),

2. plain stupid ('if a child said it, it must be true') or

3. easily manipulated ('my friend's dad's girlfriend took her, she's nicer than you are').

I mean, each possibility requires tackling, but it's important to figure out if your DD has simply gone along with something, or tried to actively trick the GF and play all the grown ups in her life against each other.

I'd say whoever did the piercing has screwed up big time, not getting parental consent, but my immediate priority would be understanding the family dynamics at play here. Unfortunately, rather than shouting at the GF, the solution is probably going to involve being nice to her (even if you don't want to) to get her on board.

If she genuinely wants to be involved in your DD's life, that's great, but she needs to have that enthusiasm guided (ideally by your ex, after having discussed it with you).

I would be furious. Parental consent is required so she obviously took her somewhere dodgy. Not the GF place to be making parental decisions.

I’d be saying ex is not to leave dd with her again as she clearly doesn’t get this is totally inappropriate.

I don’t believe your ex knew nothing about it. How would she not have told him? In her excitement?

Abd why did she look sheepish? Did she know anything about your outlook on piercing? Had she previously asked you and been told no?

Or had she heard her Dad say to gf “her Mum won’t be happy…”.

Secrecy, cover up, talk of doing things Mum won’t like, all unacceptable.

I would ask for all the details as to how this came about.

If Dd begged, and her dad did in fact consent then he needs to own it. He is a parent so….. But talk of naughtily going behind your back in anyway is not OK.

If be very upset too OP. She ought to have checked with both parents first. Your ex needs to sort this out with her & IMO she’s owes you both a serious explanation & apology.

Id be considering if she’s a suitable person to care for your DC on her own again.

Op I very rarely get wound up about threads on here, but I feel the rage.

For various reasons I don't have my ears pierced. I'd be bouncing off the walls if someone did that to my DD.
I'm glad I only have boys so hope never to have to deal with manky ears reacting to cheap earrings.
I'm fuming on your behalf.

This thread is nuts.

I'd be annoyed but police? Supervised contact only? It's earrings, they didn't inject heroin into her.

I would be fuming , livid .

how irresponsible - all she had to d was ask you or even your ex.

unforgivable .

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble

You don't know that DD didn't tell GF that she had permission

Everyone is assuming an awful lot on this thread, GF is being demonized quite unfairly in my opinion.

And before anyone comments that I must not have experience, I'm a step-mum (have been for 14 years). I also have a 9 year old DD and I can absolutely imagine my DD blagging whoever she was with that I'd be ok with her having her ears pierced...

I think OP needs to take a step back and calm down a bit. It's really not that big a deal so long as they were pierced properly and safely.

Disagree completely.

Any parent will know that a child may well try to blag them into doing something - 'Mummy said it was fine but she was too busy to take me' - but any adult should behave responsibly and check with the parents first.

I think the OP needs to lay down the law now - otherwise DD may be returning with tattoos, dyed hair etc. etc. over the coming years, because the GF thought it was OK. These things are absolutely a big deal.

@MindyStClaire

Supervised contact only for the father. HE was the one responsible for his child when this took place. He failed her.

That is very unfair. If OP left her DD with a grandparent or childminder who fucked up, should OP only be allowed supervised contact? Clearly the father needs to ensure the girlfriend doesn't have unsupervised access, but there's many a loving and devoted parent has had a friend or family let them down by doing something less than ideal with their DC.

But OP is the child's primary Carer. Also a childminder is a fully trained professional and a grandparent is a family member - the girlfriend is neither! The child was meant to be visiting the father and yes, he can allow her to go out with his GF, however the responsibility was still on him. However when the mother leaves child with a child minder (professional) or a family member, the responsibility is on THEM not OP