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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the person inviting you out for a meal to celebrate friend/family special bday, should pay for the meal?

165 replies

TableFlowerss · 16/08/2021 20:43

Birthday meal organised by partner of birthday person. A big birthday. Asked to go for meal to celebrate, 7 people all together.

Looking at about £30/35 per head for starter, main, desert.

Should the ‘host’ offer to pay for everyone’s meal?

OP posts:
maddening · 16/08/2021 22:14

I would never expect anyone to pay for my meal.

HadEnough798 · 16/08/2021 22:15

Agree with @aModernClassic - definitely word very carefully as I've had similar! Received an invite to an engagement dinner - wording was 'we would like to invite you to celebrate our future union' etc etc, very formal. Had to select main menu in advance (veggie and the only option was a mushroom, I don't like mushrooms but meh), and when we got there the groom-to-be was very host-like, 'yes absolutely please do pick a starter, here have a glass of prosecco'.

Evening ended, two people had to run off to get their train (assuming it was paid for), and then the bill came, the groom stood up and said 'hope you've all enjoyed yourselves, I'll just divide this between everyone' and we were left paying not only for our own dinner, but also all the prosecco he'd been liberally pouring, and extra on top for the two people who left, too... neither of whom I'd ever met.

Not impressed!

soupey1 · 16/08/2021 22:15

It depends on the wording but generally if it is specifically an invitation I would expect it was paid for, if just come and join us I would expect to pay.

transformandriseup · 16/08/2021 22:17

In my circle of friends we each pay for our own meals, even at a birthday.

transformandriseup · 16/08/2021 22:20

I assumed the OP meant a causal birthday meal rather than a formal party with invitations. That I would expect the host to be paying for but would always budget to pay just in case.

Lysianthus · 16/08/2021 22:20

I invited friends and family to my daughter’s birthday lunch BUT I sent out printed invitations and I fully intended to pay. I thought sending the invites meant it made it clear.
When I’ve been asked to join for dinner for a birthday, we’ve always split the bill (excluding the birthday girl/boy) so paid a bit more than our share iyswim.

NoddyMcdoddy · 16/08/2021 22:27

I would always expect and presume to pay my own meal if asked out for a meal for a special occasion, on occasion the host picks up the bill but it’s never a given.

We organised a family celebration for DDs 18th for family. We previously agreed a minimum spend with the venue which covered a welcome drink, everyone’s food and a drink or two after.

It did get a bit awkward when the minimum spend was met and guests were then asked at the bar to pay for a round of drinks having not paid for anything all evening so lesson learned communication is key.

Sweettea1 · 16/08/2021 22:27

I've been to 1 meal like this but never expected them to pay. It was my nans 80th a big family meal 25 of us in total my uncle sneaked off and payed the bìll.

StColumbofNavron · 16/08/2021 22:40

I always offer to pay or at least pay a substantial part of the bill. This is what we would do where I am from. However, friends always insist on paying and this week for a milestone also paid for me.

When I have attended other people’s I have always expected to pay and chip in for them too.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 16/08/2021 22:46

Tbh when we’ve been invited out for a birthday, the host has paid!!! It is a lot though..!

Plumtree391 · 16/08/2021 22:52

@MotionActivatedDog

No. You pay for your own food and drink and tbh I’d be expecting to chip in for the birthday persons food too.
Definitely.
Smallkeys · 16/08/2021 22:55

If I invite the birthday girl especially I would probably pay if it was lunch maybe dinner if I hadn’t got a gift and we hadn’t gone OTT on booze. Generally pay for own split birthday persons meal between the group. I was once invited out where the husband paid for everything but extra booze was very nice and was very explicit what was what in the invitation.

Timeisavirtue · 16/08/2021 22:56

Would never expect someone to pay, I always thought it was an unsaid rule that if you go out for a birthday meal you pay.... that’s how it’s always been put across to me. I don’t even like people buying me a drink so a meal is a nono

EmeraldShamrock · 16/08/2021 22:58

No not necessarily although it does happen in my family if it is a big birthday.
Either a spread in the home or a meal out.
Not with friends though.

41sunnydays · 16/08/2021 22:59

Would not expect to pay but is nice when hist buys a couple of bottles of wine for the table or something

Confusedandshaken · 16/08/2021 23:24

I would always pick up the bill if I'd organised a special meal out and invited everyone. Same as if I'd invited people over for dinner I would pay for the food I'd cooked and not give people a bill.

If a third party had arranged it, eg someone organised for a group of us to surprise a friend or relative in a local restaurant, I would expect all of us to chip in for our own meal and for the meal of the guest of honour.

KeyWorker · 17/08/2021 07:49

If it was an invitation to a function room type set up with a buffet I’d only expect to pay for my drinks. If it was a case of booking a table at a restaurant or pub and everyone was ordering of the main menu then I’d expect to pay for myself.

thebeatingofthedrums · 17/08/2021 09:31

@transformandriseup

I assumed the OP meant a causal birthday meal rather than a formal party with invitations. That I would expect the host to be paying for but would always budget to pay just in case.
Oh, yes, formal invitations (WhatsApp does not have the same effect!) are another sign that the event is being hosted (so the host pays) as opposed to a meal you are attending (where you pay).
Killahangilion · 17/08/2021 11:17

Make sure you word the invitation correctly and say something like, ‘there’s plenty of choice to suit every budget’ and include a copy of the menu.

Maybe offer to put a couple of bottles on the table or ‘your first drink is on me to toast the birthday boy’ and then it’s clear that after that, they pay for themselves.

Balonzette · 17/08/2021 11:30

In some cultures the host would pay, but in my experience this is very much not the done thing in British culture, especially among the younger generations. I've been to many, many celebration events and never has the host paid, no has it crossed my mind that they should.

AngryWhompingWillow · 17/08/2021 17:01

@TableFlowerss

I have done this before. Never again. Several times it was a celebration for me, (or DH,) and we offered to pay, (there were 8 other people.) The last time AND the 2 times before, the other people went batshit; ordering the most expensive meals, and starters and desserts etc.

The last time (for 10 people, me and DH and the other 8,) it cost us £325.00. Mine and DH's was only £33 between us. So the other 8 cost nearly £300 between them - so roughly £37-40 each. It wasn't anywhere fancy either, just a Novellos/Nandos type joint ...

The first time it was a bit pricey, but manageable, then the second time (a year later,) it was more, and we were a bit Hmm But the third (and last) time, which was 9 months after the second time, was the killer - a £325 bill. Shock

So we said we'd never do it again. These people never ever EVER order as much when they're paying for their own, and when I went out with the same 8 people and we all paid for our own, (a year ago,) it came to £190 for all 10 people!

Funny how people go crazy and order loads of (expensive) stuff when they're not paying. Hmm But are MUCH more careful and frugal when they're paying for themselves.

It's like our kids, when they wanted stuff as children/teens, they always wanted the most expensive stuff, and chucked all sorts of name-brand stuff in the trolley, and circled all the most expensive stuff in the Argos catalogue when they were choosing Christmas presents. Now they're grown, and having to pay for it all themselves, they buy all budget stuff, and/or buy stuff in sales. Hmm

coodawoodashooda · 17/08/2021 17:38

[quote AngryWhompingWillow]@TableFlowerss

I have done this before. Never again. Several times it was a celebration for me, (or DH,) and we offered to pay, (there were 8 other people.) The last time AND the 2 times before, the other people went batshit; ordering the most expensive meals, and starters and desserts etc.

The last time (for 10 people, me and DH and the other 8,) it cost us £325.00. Mine and DH's was only £33 between us. So the other 8 cost nearly £300 between them - so roughly £37-40 each. It wasn't anywhere fancy either, just a Novellos/Nandos type joint ...

The first time it was a bit pricey, but manageable, then the second time (a year later,) it was more, and we were a bit Hmm But the third (and last) time, which was 9 months after the second time, was the killer - a £325 bill. Shock

So we said we'd never do it again. These people never ever EVER order as much when they're paying for their own, and when I went out with the same 8 people and we all paid for our own, (a year ago,) it came to £190 for all 10 people!

Funny how people go crazy and order loads of (expensive) stuff when they're not paying. Hmm But are MUCH more careful and frugal when they're paying for themselves.

It's like our kids, when they wanted stuff as children/teens, they always wanted the most expensive stuff, and chucked all sorts of name-brand stuff in the trolley, and circled all the most expensive stuff in the Argos catalogue when they were choosing Christmas presents. Now they're grown, and having to pay for it all themselves, they buy all budget stuff, and/or buy stuff in sales. Hmm[/quote]
If someone does this to me i just cant be their friend anymore. It is so disrespectful.

abstractprojection · 17/08/2021 17:41

I would never expect to not to pay and would chip in for the birthday persons meal too

I do often pay for small group meals if I’m inviting older family or family friends who I know have low incomes

Mumontour85 · 17/08/2021 18:15

Is this your first time as a guest at this kind of thing?!
Not only would I expect to pay for my own meal, I would expect, nay - INSIST - that the cost of the bday person to be split between the guests too.

Blossomtoes · 17/08/2021 18:40

@Mumontour85

Is this your first time as a guest at this kind of thing?! Not only would I expect to pay for my own meal, I would expect, nay - INSIST - that the cost of the bday person to be split between the guests too.
Why? If the host intended to pay, that would be incredibly rude.
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