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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to decline a wedding invite

254 replies

BabyGohil · 16/08/2021 01:46

I need help
Been invited to a wedding which is 3 hours away from me, I have a little baby who will be 4 months by then….my husband and baby have not been invited….Im breast feeding and I don’t think I could leave him so far away for that long (I’ve only left him for About and hour or so with grand parents previously).
Thoughts on how to approach this?
I feel like a bad friend but then have anxiety about going and potentially distressing my child as it’s so far away.

OP posts:
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 17/08/2021 19:13

@Parsley1789

Why can’t you just be honest? Explain that you are bf-ing and cannot leave baby but if your baby can come with you that would be great. Often people who haven’t had children just don’t realise. Just be honest!
This. The end. What a silly question!
mellicauli · 17/08/2021 19:17

Mrs Tatiana Bis thanks Mr and Mrs Ponkypoo for the kind invitation to the marriage of their daughter, Eleanor, to Mr John Bobkin at St Cuthbert’s Solihull on Saturday 20th October at 3 o’clock and afterwards at the Regent’s Hotel, and regret that they are unable to accept.

I find this pretentious and actually quite rude.

  • why would you refer to yourself in the 3rd person unless you were a self regarding idiot? Especially to a friend.
  • "kind invitation" - are we extras in a BBC Jane Austen serialization? Are invitations ever unkind? Does it really require stating?
  • why would you need to repeat the time, date and venue of the event back to the people who just told you of it in their invitation to you? Are her parents really going to confuse it with another wedding at 4 o clock at St Swithins? So all this padding bu no reason why you are not attending what is probably the biggest and most important day of their lives, and they are offering you at considerable expense.
  • not providing a reason why you can't attend leaves people to fill in

their own reason why you are not going. Wouldn't you prefer them to know that it wasn't because you don't like them or don't wish them day on their wedding day? Wouldn't you want them to know if circumstances were different, you'd love to attend?

Say sorry, you'd love to go but with a small baby it's just not practical. Wish them well and send a gift.

CutePanda · 17/08/2021 19:24

Even if I wasn’t breast feeding a baby, I wouldn’t want to travel 3 hours to a wedding without a plus one! You have a great excuse not to attend. Just be honest.

TatianaBis · 17/08/2021 19:32

Why do you start a letter ‘Dear’? The person may not be dear to you and you may not even know them.

Why do you sign ‘Yours faithfully’ when you are not faithful to that person. Why do you only use it when you do not address the person by name (ie ‘Dear Madam/Sir’).

Why do you sign ‘Yours sincerely’ when you are no more sincere or less faithful than when you sign ‘Yours faithfully’? And why do you only use it if you know the name of the addressee?

Kittysummer · 17/08/2021 19:35

Why has your husband not been invited? I would not go to any wedding or other special occasions without my husband. Who would drive me once I had a drink! Send a reply and decline. I recently turned down a wedding as it was too far to travel and was expected to pay for a hotel.

AColdDuncanGoodhew · 17/08/2021 19:41

@saltinesandcoffeecups

So much angst… I sent the RSVP cards ( with a self addressed stamped envelope ) with the invitation…. It was pretty simple

we will be attending
we will be missed

I didn’t expect or want a dissertation on the reasons for not attending. If I invited you, it was because you are close to me and I assumed you had your reasons for not wanting or being able attend. That’s cool, we all have lives. I get it it.

At no time did I wail into the darkness with my fist held up in the air “By damn if Buffy can’t make it the whole thing is off…off I say”

I also didn’t dictate what anyone in the wedding party wore. I told my bridesmaids, when asked, “you’re adults, you don’t need someone to dress you. I’m wearing white, you literally cannot clash with that. Wear something you already have, buy something new if want an excuse, whatever they only thing I ask is that you help me pee in the gigantic dress I inexplicably bought”

OFF I SAY Grin love this. I said the same to bridesmaids - pick a dress, its not me wearing it!
rowanoak · 17/08/2021 19:49

This is crazy. How rude of them to not invite your husband. Why are you feeling bad about responding NO when THEY are the rude ones?? I said YABU because it is unreasonable to have this level of guilt about this. I would look into the book Codependent No More.

rowanoak · 17/08/2021 19:59

When I got married I didn't want a traditional wedding (I was 31 years old and 7 months pregnant, lol) and white washes me out so I wore my favorite color, red, and I told my bridesmaids to wear anything black or white or a mix of both black and white.

The maid of honor would have a turquoise ribbon and the junior bridesmaid would have a white dress like more of a traditional wedding dress and all my bridesmaids would get red shoes and red and turquoise southwestern style earrings from me to wear and keep as a gift, and that was all I really cared about or wanted when it came to bridesmaid attire and even those things were optional/could be changed if the people cared more about it than I did.

Most thought it was cool and enjoyed showing off their own style; one wore something gray which is not really what I had meant but it was still cool. LOL.

A couple messaged me asking what exactly I wanted them to wear and seemed to want me to give them instructions or directions and so I spent some time looking for examples online to show them but then said, here are ideas but seriously wear whatever you have or whatever you want to buy, you really can't go wrong.

My sister who is a traditional wedding and "everything must be planned out and look perfect" type of person was constantly on my case saying I couldn't just let them throw whatever together or it would look bad. I think it came together great, I was very happy. :) (I will delete the photo after a bit.)

But I guess some people like to be told what exactly to wear and others like my sister think it's rude to NOT tell someone exactly what is expected of them and make it easy on them, so, you can never please everyone I guess.

Post edited by MNHQ - we've taken the picture down as it could be outing for others

ivykaty44 · 17/08/2021 20:02

Please don't give a reason

wish them all the best and then unfortunately I will not be able to join in the celebration, congratulate them again and then post

perhaps send them a small wedding gift if you choose

CabbagesGreen · 17/08/2021 20:03

@mellicauli

Mrs Tatiana Bis thanks Mr and Mrs Ponkypoo for the kind invitation to the marriage of their daughter, Eleanor, to Mr John Bobkin at St Cuthbert’s Solihull on Saturday 20th October at 3 o’clock and afterwards at the Regent’s Hotel, and regret that they are unable to accept.

I find this pretentious and actually quite rude.

  • why would you refer to yourself in the 3rd person unless you were a self regarding idiot? Especially to a friend.
  • "kind invitation" - are we extras in a BBC Jane Austen serialization? Are invitations ever unkind? Does it really require stating?
  • why would you need to repeat the time, date and venue of the event back to the people who just told you of it in their invitation to you? Are her parents really going to confuse it with another wedding at 4 o clock at St Swithins? So all this padding bu no reason why you are not attending what is probably the biggest and most important day of their lives, and they are offering you at considerable expense.
  • not providing a reason why you can't attend leaves people to fill in

their own reason why you are not going. Wouldn't you prefer them to know that it wasn't because you don't like them or don't wish them day on their wedding day? Wouldn't you want them to know if circumstances were different, you'd love to attend?

Say sorry, you'd love to go but with a small baby it's just not practical. Wish them well and send a gift.

Yes I'd find it rude and like they were taking the micky. If you're going to all that effort to write all that you can at least write something personal like, sorry I can't attend, it's just not practical with baby.
rowanoak · 17/08/2021 20:03

Oops, guess I can't edit posts or delete photos; clearly I'm not on this forum very often, oh well. Guess that picture will stay up forever and hopefully my bridesmaids won't mind. LOL

And from the picture I remember that it was a necklace, not earrings, although afterwards I gave them earrings as well but had to pick one or the other for the wedding or else it was too much altogether visually speaking. haha

CabbagesGreen · 17/08/2021 20:07

@rowanoak you can report it and probably should if you don't think you're bridesmaids will want their picutre posted here.

CabbagesGreen · 17/08/2021 20:07

Press the 3 dots on the post.

LimeRedBanana · 17/08/2021 20:37

The fact of the matter is - many people would feel ridiculous responding to a wedding invitation in such a formal manner, so the suggestion is no good.

Hence the OP asking. Who, by the way, seems to be long gone.

Why would someone speak to someone they know well, in Hyacinth Bucket terms, if they never speak like that in real life?

It’s OK not to want to do this, and to prefer another approach - which may, or may not, include feeling that it’s rude not to allude to a reason for not attending.

As long as it’s keep simple and polite, it’s fine.

Cazck · 17/08/2021 20:46

To be blunt a friend wouldn't invite only you anyway, never mind when you have a husband and a very young baby. If I was your friend I would be expecting you to decline, it's not going to be a surprise

TheJade · 17/08/2021 20:55

I would tell them exactly what you have written here. It’s perfect and there is nothing wrong with how you feel! I would feel the same too in your situation. It’s super hard with a new baby and bf! Good luck telling them xxx

hibbledibble · 17/08/2021 20:56

Correct etiquette is to write back (assuming it was a written invite) to politely decline the invitation. You could send a gift.

No need to go into details.

If they aren't inviting partners or babes in arms then they will be expecting declines for practical and childcare reasons.

Emmelina · 17/08/2021 20:58

If they were a close enough friend, they’d have invited your partner and baby. So I feel the ticked box to say sorry I can’t attend is all that’s necessary, and if they were really bothered about why they know how to get hold of you to ask!

telvg · 17/08/2021 21:04

I went to a wedding which had originally not included our baby. I just messaged me friend and asked if I could bring the baby and I was breastfeeding. He replied and said yes but they didn't want older children so had just not invited any. I left my toddler with her grandparents and we had a lovely time. However, I would not have gone if my baby had not been allowed.

Thatswhatmamasaid · 17/08/2021 21:16

It looks like OP has left the thread Hmm.

thenovice · 17/08/2021 21:17

So exciting. Congratulations. Really sad that I cannot make it. [No need to explain].

Backwaterjunction · 17/08/2021 21:34

Is this even a question? I’m not able to come, thank you for the invite, include card and x money or buy gift if you feel you want to, not rocket science

helpIhateclothesshopping · 17/08/2021 22:17

We have been in the situation where we have had to decline an invitation and had friends decline attending ours. People understand that while it would be nice to be there, it isn't always possible. Don't worry, most people wouldn't be offended. You could always ask if the ceremony is going to be zoomed etc. And send a small gift.

THEDEACON · 17/08/2021 22:22

Just return a with regret card it's as simple as that

SnacksAndTheCity · 17/08/2021 22:45

Tick the box that says you won’t be attending. Simple.

If they contact you and ask why (unlikely) just say that you can’t/won’t leave your baby for that long.