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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to decline a wedding invite

254 replies

BabyGohil · 16/08/2021 01:46

I need help
Been invited to a wedding which is 3 hours away from me, I have a little baby who will be 4 months by then….my husband and baby have not been invited….Im breast feeding and I don’t think I could leave him so far away for that long (I’ve only left him for About and hour or so with grand parents previously).
Thoughts on how to approach this?
I feel like a bad friend but then have anxiety about going and potentially distressing my child as it’s so far away.

OP posts:
DustyNo1 · 17/08/2021 22:58

Why would you want to go anyway if your husband hasn't been invited? I think that is so rude! Just casually say thanks for the invite but I'm going to another wedding that my husband has been invited to too lolol

Hugoslavia · 17/08/2021 23:00

I would thank them for their kind invitation and explain that you are breastfeeding and that the minimum of 6 hours each way, in addition to the wedding would mean that you would be away all day from your tiny baby who would be unable to eat or drink during this time, whereas point out that your baby still needs feeding 2-3 hourly or whatever it is. Also explain that it would also cause you issues/discomfort. I really feel as though couples who don't invite a baby along with the mother are completely oblivious as to breastfeeding. Of course, when they have a family of their own, I bet that they would object to being invited to a wedding without their baby! If they really wanted you there they would accompany your baby too. In some respects they just don't seem to really care and on that basis I wouldn't want to go in any event.

Birminghambloke · 17/08/2021 23:00

Unless it’s with my immediate family, I hate going to weddings by myself. A couple have been bearable as I’ve been placed with similar lovely people in a similar situation so you bond for the day. The worst experiences have been when placed on tables with unknown couples- who clearly did get a +1 for partner. Small talk for the meal, glares from partners for being friendly, then left alone for the disco part. That’s when I get a taxi to my hotel or go up to my room! No one to notice. I can do set up small talk for a meal but not a night in a bar/ disco context of seeking it from others in pairs who are not interested! I certainly would not go to anyone’s wedding by myself in your situation OP. They don’t want you to attend. You’ll be lonely and thinking to baby all day/ night as you’ve not chosen to be apart as such. Just say “I’m sorry I’m not attending. Have a lovely day.” They won’t ask why- they’ll know.

Hugoslavia · 17/08/2021 23:00

Not six hours each way. I meant six hours in total.

chopc · 17/08/2021 23:05

They don't really want you there so I don't think you need to think so hard about how to decline the invite

Rainbowsew · 17/08/2021 23:11

"thank you for your kind invitation. I am not able to attend but hope you have a lovely day. We all wish you every happiness for the future."

Send a card add a token amount of cash if you want as a gift, but fine not to as well. DON'T make excuses, you don't have to explain yourself.

Anniemas · 17/08/2021 23:12

Surely, if their actual friends were "actual friends", their partners would be invited. I've never been invited to any event, by a friend, without a plus one while in a relationship!

Mamanyt · 18/08/2021 00:27

If there is an RSVP on the invitation, simply check the "No" box. If you are close enough to this person to feel that an explanation is necessary, keep it very simple..."I can't due to my infant's feeding schedule! I send my very best wishes!"

mrbreezeet1 · 18/08/2021 00:28

Just tell her you can't go because of the baby.
And don't worry about it.

Ineke · 18/08/2021 04:06

Maybe ask if nursing babies could come to wedding, as otherwise it will not be practical for you. Maybe she over looked this with all the planning etc.

Sparklingbrook · 18/08/2021 06:51

@Kittysummer

Why has your husband not been invited? I would not go to any wedding or other special occasions without my husband. Who would drive me once I had a drink! Send a reply and decline. I recently turned down a wedding as it was too far to travel and was expected to pay for a hotel.
I have been to loads of weddings without my husband. Work colleagues (who I consider friends) for instance. One of us will drive others also not with their other halves. He wouldn’t have wanted to go anyway.
jozipozi31 · 18/08/2021 07:23

@SamVimes6

You were invited. Your newborn and husband were not. You wasn’t wanted anyways. Just tick the ‘sorry I can’t make it’ and wish them well.
Yup
Sparklingbrook · 18/08/2021 07:32

Where are you @BabyGohil?

RedStef1983 · 18/08/2021 07:37

You could always ask if they are willing to make an exception? A 4 month old baby isn’t going to add to their food bill. My wedding was ‘no kids’ however I made an exception for a friends 3 month old baby (she was BF too) and my cousins teenage daughter (who has some disabilities so hard to get childcare).

Babysienna · 18/08/2021 09:11

Hi all
Thank you for all the advice
I did decline given my circumstances and explained I can’t leave my baby
You guys were right, was a bit cheeky excluding my husband

jillybeanclevertips · 18/08/2021 09:15

So sorry that I am not going to be able to make your wedding. As you know our baby will be 4 months old by then, and I am breast feeding. Getting used to being a new mum is taking all my time at the moment, and I shall look forward to catching up with you soon and seeing the photographs blah blah blah

OnGoldenPond · 18/08/2021 09:39

I thought wedding regret cards were something you sent if you didn't like your friend's choice of fiancé Grin

GrannyRose15 · 18/08/2021 09:56

"Mrs XXX thanks Miss YYY for her kind invitation to her wedding. She regrets that she will be unable to attend."

No explanation is needed. Send a card (and a gift) nearer the time.

Michellelovesizzy · 18/08/2021 10:28

Just tell them the truth ur baby is to young to leave and your breastfeeding it completing understandable why you can't go x

chaosmaker · 18/08/2021 11:15

Don't get all the angst over weddings, just RSVP no thanks.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 18/08/2021 14:57

- why would you refer to yourself in the 3rd person unless you were a self regarding idiot? Especially to a friend.

It's to match the format of a traditional formal wedding invitation, which is also written in the third person. You basically mirror back what they've said. I wouldn't use that response if the invitation wasn't formal.

TemptedToSleepInTheShed · 18/08/2021 17:31

You just say you will not be there and then put it out of your mind

mellicauli · 18/08/2021 17:31

The wedding invitation is written in the 3rd person because it is written by the printers, usually on behalf of the bride's parents.

Then the secretary of the Dowager Countess would respond to the invitation, so they would refer to say whether the Dowager Countess would accept the invitation. This would be correct use of the 3rd person.

But as you are replying for yourself and you don't have a secretary, you should use first person. Anything else might look like you were pretending you had someone to do these things for you.

Blossomtoes · 18/08/2021 18:06

But as you are replying for yourself and you don't have a secretary, you should use first person. Anything else might look like you were pretending you had someone to do these things for you

Replying in the third person would look like you understood the correct etiquette for responding to a formal invitation.

rowanoak · 19/08/2021 18:52

[quote CabbagesGreen]@rowanoak you can report it and probably should if you don't think you're bridesmaids will want their picutre posted here.[/quote]
Thank you! :) Done!